Sad

Sad
Posted January 28, 2012 - 12:56pm
0

Today is day 3, and I am very, very sad. I can't stop crying. This has happened before, other times when I have attempted no contact. I start to feel guilty. Like he's not really a narc, that he was just scared I would never leave my husband, so he freaked out all the time and lashed out at me. If I had just done as I had promised, he wouldn't have been that way.

I am not afraid of going back like I've done other times. I think that's why I'm so sad. I so wanted the fantasy...

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Hunter's picture

This is a natural result of

January 28, 2012 - 6:26pm — Hunter

This is a natural result of NC..

YOu must make a decision.. And stick to it .. I promise it will pass..

You have a lot at risk are you willing to take that risk over a PSYCHOPATH??

Does your husband deserve to me made a fool??
Do you like his abuse?

I think the answers are no..

So you must stick to NC .. I PROMISE T WILL BE OK..

Hunter

Journey's picture

Congrats on day 3! The

January 28, 2012 - 6:07pm — Journey

Congrats on day 3! The sadness can feel so bad, but the intensity will get less - knowing it was only a fantasy does make it easier to let go of it... eventually.

(hugs)

dabussard's picture

Needshelp

January 28, 2012 - 1:11pm — dabussard

I know exactly what you are feeling.. I wanted the fantasy too. But, it is not the real him.

He freaked out because he is not winning the game. You have not left your husband for him. He wants you to leave your husband and take his crumbs for the rest of your life. He wants to get you alone and waiting on him, when he wants to see you and only on his terms. Remember that he threatened to kill you... He is dangerious...

My N tried the same thing... Luckly I wisened up and got away from him. My N has done this to several other woman and they are living alone and just waiting for his crumbs. These men are sick...

Stay strong and keep up the NC... It does get better...

nlvr7's picture

hugs

January 28, 2012 - 12:59pm — nlvr7

i was thinking/feeling EXACTLY as you were @ first and it sucks. all i can say is, i havent cried in six days now and i've been NC since 1/12/12. it does get better. in the meantime, i suggest chocolate and keeping yourself busy.

Snowflake's picture

Needshelp

January 28, 2012 - 1:57pm — Snowflake

Can I ask what do you want? Do you want to leave your hub? Whats married life like for you? (not judging in the similar pos) x

Needshelp's picture

I can honestly say I don't

January 28, 2012 - 2:08pm — Needshelp

I can honestly say I don't know what I want. I know that my husband is a great guy, but we have absolutely nothing in common and we lead completely separate lives. I am not proud of this, but I have come to realize that I married him because I knew he would take care of me and never leave me. I was very young when I met him, 23, and I thought no one would ever love me. He is more like a dad or sibling to me than a husband. But we have a 7 year old daughter, and I am not working, and cannot support myself at this time.

I was (am?) truly in love with my narc, and really really thought I would leave my husband to be with him. But the weekly abuse sessions have made me realize that this would be a horrible idea! If he had been who I thought he was, I would have done it. But then again, I don't think that the person I thought he was would have gotten involved with a married woman. It was all fantasy on my part.

So I have spent the past year distracted fromm marriage. My plan is to "start over" with my husband and see what happens. I figure I owe my marriage that chance.

What about you? What are your thoughts about your marriage?

janemarie's picture

I divorced my husband after

January 28, 2012 - 7:00pm — janemarie

I divorced my husband after 13 years of marriage...dated 6 years before marrying...I was young also when I met him..only 19....

I had an emotional affair during the divorce with someone from another state...he was gonna move to my state, planned on marrying me...then D and D....Then I met the Narc who brought me here...

My ex husband, although wasnt always a bag of goodies, loved me unconditionally, never cheated...we have 3 young kids together...He begged me to stay, promised to work on his faults...but it was too late for me...I wanted more..and this emotional affair (fantasy)I had was much better than what I was living...so I went ahead with the divorce instead of working on the marriage...

Was this a midlife crisis??????

Perhaps...I had a very straight and arrow life...did everything like I was suppose to...then I broke free, tried to fly toward fantasy...and landed right here...

Since my split from the Narc...my ex husband is working his way back into my life...very supportive of my pain from the Narc, helped with the kids while we were homeless (after I left the narc).....

Now...I dont know what to think...the grass was not greener after I divorced...all the men I meet want to get into my pants...My ex husband claims to have learned from all of this and is now a better person....is he??? I dont know...my trust is shot!!!!

My point is.....I know your pain...I do...but take a good look at your life and your family...is living a fantasy really worth it??? Or is fighting through the rut of a tired marriage and kids worth it??? Only you can answer that....I know my answer..but I made my bed and now I dont know where to sleep.

Snowflake's picture

I have thought about this

January 28, 2012 - 2:26pm — Snowflake

I met hub when I was 17, have been married since 1997 and am now 39.

I guess the marriage got normal, we both stopped trying..kids etc kill the romance. I fell for the excitement, charm, charisma of the N.

Coupled with that I have some childhood issues re bullying being afraid of people I see as authority figures and was flattered that N paid me attention..even thoguh mostly negative on reflection.

But hub is a lovely man and has never in the 20 years or so of knowing him called me names, put me down or made me feel like a sex object. He has never made me uncomfortable has loved me when I have had diarrhea, have been being sick..sorry guys for the graphics but you know what I am saying.

I am comparing real life to a fantasy, and a fantasy that doesnt even exist. Its one thing if you forget the morals for a sec to have an affair with someone who could turn that fantasy into a reality but Ns dont. If you left your N would get bored within months of not weeks, because thats what they are like. He would feel he had won the game dump you and move on leaving devastation behind.

By all means leave your marriage if its a dead end but make sure it is and that you are not comparing it to the narc ideal/false promises.

The fact he is pressurising you when you have a child in my opinion says it all, if he really cared and wanted that future he would be thinking of your child too x

Needshelp's picture

I relate to, understand and

January 28, 2012 - 3:17pm — Needshelp

I relate to, understand and agree with everything you are saying. Part of me wonders, like I said, if the fantasy may have really been true? Intellectually I know it is not, but emotionally I am having a hard time letting it go. What you say about his pressure considering I have a child is so true though. He truly doesn't care if I lose her or not. Doesn't understand why I wouldn't be satisfied with just visitation, after all, that's what he has with his son.

So then I remember things like that and I realize that no, the fantasy is not real. But it's still hard to get over...

Snowflake's picture

Needshelp

January 28, 2012 - 3:24pm — Snowflake

Absolutely and I think thats why most of us on here...we are intelligent girls having looked for the help, our brains tell us one thing but the heart says another.

The trickery of whether what we felt we were shown a glimpse of ever could have been reality ...look what we could have won...

But full time would you really want to be with a man like that, thats what I ask myself...

For me that would mean having to be perfect, look perfect, dress sexy, be always ready to do whatever perverted thing N felt like in fear that if I said no he would do it with someone else, be worried everytime he was at work in case his business meeting with someone turned into more, worrying if he said late night meeting whether it actually was. Spending every waking moment talking all about him and forgetting myself, my dreams etc.

Thats what I tell myself when I start to flounder..I put myself there knowing what I know and what has been shown to me, not the fantasy that was 'a promise in the future'.

If he couldnt be nice to me now with irregular meets there would be know way he would be on a day to day x

nlvr7's picture

omg

January 28, 2012 - 4:06pm — nlvr7

i could have written that myself

"For me that would mean having to be perfect, look perfect, dress sexy, be always ready to do whatever perverted thing N felt like in fear that if I said no he would do it with someone else, be worried everytime he was at work in case his business meeting with someone turned into more, worrying if he said late night meeting whether it actually was. Spending every waking moment talking all about him and forgetting myself, my dreams etc."

SO TRUE!!!!!!

Needshelp's picture

You see, this is where my

January 28, 2012 - 3:50pm — Needshelp

You see, this is where my brain plays with me the most. Maybe you can help me see more clearly here!

He always said that if we were truly together, and he knew he would be able to be with me forever, then he would be different. He is just so scared, so he gets crazy. A big part of me (though it is getting smaller) believes this. He was married for 12 years, and it seems that his marriage was similar to mine. He never had an affair, though he made several attempts at divorcing her, but always went back out of guilt. It was when he met me that he finally followed through with it. When he made that decision, there was absolutely nothing going on with us. We weren't even emailing. So I do think it is odd that I had such a strong impact on him when we barely knew each other. I suppose I should see that as another red flag?