Doctor visit – update (Custody)

Doctor visit – update (Custody)
Posted January 27, 2012 - 7:53pm
1

I have been paying close attention to what you all have advised.
I’ve been soaking it up and relishing your encouragement.

Here’s how the doctor visit went.

I rocked it.

I ignored him as much as possible.
He tried to engage me at first.
He said HELLO multiple times, and I finally said Hello, for the benefit of my son.
But then he seemed to figure out that I wasn’t going to make eye contact at all.
I made a list of what I was coached about: Be calm. Focus on the doctor. Ignore the father. Focus on my son.
I referred to the list during the doctor visit.
I had a witness planned to come along, but she was ill. But it was fine.
He was really quiet during the actual visit with the doctor.

Here’s what was weird.
It was really the first time since I left him (1 and ½ year ago) that we came together for the kids. And he was holding my sons hand. I was holding my sons other hand. And we three walked together in the parking lot. And that was sad. Because THAT moment was what the point of our marriage was about. Moments like that. We aimed to make a family, and have a good solid family. And here we are broken.

Then he opened the door for me, and it’s like – gosh he has good manners.
And wouldn’t it have been great if he hadn’t been a psychopath?
So – WHATEVER. He is. Dream over.

I was also aware that maybe he actually doesn’t see himself. He doesn’t know that he’s a monster. Maybe he actually thinks it’s normal for a person to go on a month-long screaming spree with his wife. Maybe he actually thinks it okay to threaten, lie, manipulate and bully, etc. etc. etc. Maybe he actually thinks he’s awesome and perfect. Seriously?

Thoughts? Feedback?

‹ Why do they beg for forgiveness? 14 days and Still on NC. ›
GeorgiaGirl's picture

Abreva=Amazing!

January 27, 2012 - 10:23pm — GeorgiaGirl

Great job, girlfriend!! You did wonderful and I love the list of "Be calm. Focus on the doctor. Ignore the father. Focus on my son." Made me laugh out loud because that is something I've done too.

Why your N did x, y & z during the appointment? That's easy...mindfucking. He wanted to mess with your head, make you doubt yourself, make himself look like super dad, make you question whether he really has a smear campaign against you, convince the kiddo that he really loves them, blah blah blah. Its all a show, none of it means shit and you simply need to remember...he's disordered, always will be and I should never let my guard down where he is concerned.

Contact=Pain so expect a "crash" of emotions in the 24-48 hours after the appointment...crying, cog diss, feeling "flu-like" physically. This crash lessens as you grow stronger and are better able to see thru his bullshit.

I'm so proud of you...you are one strong momma!!

abreva's picture

Thank You GeorgiaGirl

January 28, 2012 - 9:35am — abreva

Yeah, a Normal Person wouldn't have pushed the HELLO.
A normal person would have realized that I wasn't going to say HELLO back, and left it alone for the benefit of our child.
But EXNH-psychopath pushed it aggressively, like a punch in the face, to force me to say hello.
This is typical of him - the repeating, the talking over me - which is exactly why I do not talk to him.

I am also 100% clear about why he is doing the great dad at the doctor routine. He is already threatening to take me back to court for custody (we just settled recently), and his angle is that I don't properly address the children's medical needs. (Insert eye roll and sarcastic laughter here.)

Now, will he REALLY take me to court after we just settled custody based on his B.S. lies? Really? Or is he just trying to torment and punish me and waste my time? I don't know, and I don't care. The result is the same - I have to deal with him. So, I guess I can see how IGNORING his blather really frustrates him - since he gets no reaction. Getting a reaction is his real goal.

Contact=Pain
This equation is such a good illustration.
This equation is accurate.

I am suffering post-contact. I'm spinning a bit over the fact that I need to document all this madness. I'm resentful that I need to. I wish I could truly ignore him and just live my life.

As crazy-making as the EXNH-psychopath can be ---- your feedback and guidance is restorative and healing.

THANK YOU!!!!

GeorgiaGirl's picture

You are so right

January 28, 2012 - 4:11pm — GeorgiaGirl

If he was normal, you wouldn't be going thru any of the things you've gone thru with him. Keep that in mind when he pulls a "stunt"!

And let him threaten you with court and you continue to ignore, ignore, ignore. If he had such grave concerns about your parenting, those should have been brought up prior to any settlement. He doesn't have a leg to stand on and he knows it but if he can control you with threats (and it works), he sure will. Just keep up the LC and you will be just fine. They hate being ignored, as you are seeing, so keep on keeping on!!

I know how exhausting and frustrating all the documenting can be but eventually it will be second nature to you. And with any luck, the narc will find a new OW to love-bomb and you will get a much-deserved break from his madness.

Be kind to yourself as you "recover" from your contact with him. You may feel a bit like you are going backwards in your recovery but its just a temporary set-back. I promise!

You are doing great!!

midnight7's picture

Ns have zero self-awareness

January 27, 2012 - 8:13pm — midnight7

Ns have zero self-awareness just a sense of entitlement, grandiosity, to go with the control, manipulation, abuse, and endless stream of lies. You have no idea what his agenda might really have been in appearing to be there for your child. Opening the door of the car has an agenda. Everything is for their benefit only, they are interpersonally exploitative - there is always an agenda.

You were marvellous abreva!

abreva's picture

Thank you so much Midnight.

January 27, 2012 - 9:32pm — abreva

The lying really is astounding.
It's hard to believe that anyone would lie so much.

I know that he is on a mission to prove that I am a bad mother. That I neglect to take our children to the doctor. That sort of bent. What is so frustrating, and laughable, is that the children's MEDICAL RECORDS SHOW that I am the parent who has done it. And I have always done a wonderful job. Always. It is only recently that he has turned up the volume and started this campaign - but it's so strange because he's manipulating and lying and certainly it will backfire.

I am being diligent with my record keeping. Collecting documentation everywhere.
It really is a burden, but it is necessary.
And he is spinning.

I appreciate your feedback and assessment so much, because I think one of the worst parts of this situation is the ALONE-NESS of it. It is SO bizarre that a person who I married and had children with would behave in such a despicable and unethical way. To discuss it even with my closest friends creates such Cognitive Dissonance in us - it hurts.