Gso88's Story

10 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Jan 26 - 12PM
Gso88
Gso88's picture

Gso88's Story

Spinning in Circles

Exactly one month ago I ended a relationship with what I thought was the love of my life when I discovered all the lies deceit and betrayal that had been occurring since day 1 of our relationship.

This is a long story so I will apologize to and thank in advance anyone who makes it through the whole post.

I'm a guy in my early to mid twenties, just getting started in my career after finishing up a degree. I've only ever had 2 "serious" relationships, preparation for my career has always been first and foremost in my life. The first ended when she and I realized that our lives were just not on the same page and after some initial bitterness things calmed down and we are on friendly terms, the last serious relationship ended with lies cheating and betrayal on her part and after much honest evaluation, looking back, and reading its clear she fits the example of a Narc.

Knowing is one thing, adjusting another completely. It's like my heart hasnt caught up with my head in the logic department. I've decided to post here because I just need to let it out, be heard and maybe even get some advice because quite honestly I can't shake this funk that I am in.

In my line of work I've seen some pretty horrible things, I've had to do things that people who aren't in this line of work would never understand. But that's not a bad thing, it's taught me to maintain composure and control my emotions in even the worst situations. Don't get me wrong I don't repress emotion and bad feelings but it's just an unspoken rule, you don't talk about it. You internally sit down, analyze and adapt, eventually moving on. 
I realize it's only been a month but I haven't made any progress at all, it feels like for every step forward I take two back. I've tried talking to friends but that's just not cutting it. I am not accustomed to sharing my thoughts and feelings with others and it's uncomfortable. They sympathize and are trying to help but they just don't get it. Every single one of my friends is in a solid happy long term relationship. It's hard just being around them and seeing the happiness I thought I had but ultimately discovered was just an act.

Now for the relationship, the whole thing started with a lie. She was with another guy when we first started talking. When I found out I immediately backed off. She and all her friends assured me that this guy was not with her. He was just a jealous stalker type that always wanted to be with her but she was never interested. My intuition was that this wasn't true but I ignored it and continued to pursue the relationship, my first mistake...

Things progressed over time and we decided to be exclusive, eventually turning into her telling me she "loved" me. She remained in contact with some of her ex's but always made it a point to tell me when she spoke with them so that I would know I could "trust her" and that there was nothing there. What I found out later was that she was actually keeping avenues open so she could "go back" if things weren't working out between us.

At first I felt like I'd never felt in a relationship before. She made me feel like I was the center of her world. Affection everywhere, close was never close enough, she challenged me (in a good way) to be a better boyfriend- open up, express myself, etc etc

As the relationship progressed we eventually got to the point where we both found ourselves in new jobs, mine was the first real opportunity I had at making a career, not just a stepping stone to something greater. There was a lot of stress adjusting to these changes especially because it was extremely close to the holidays. I had to adjust my sleep schedule and behaviors to adapt to my new work environment and this caused a conflict in the sense that I had to allot some extra time for me to make sure I could adjust and perform at my best because like I said, people rely on me to keep them safe and my partners have to count on me to protect them as well. 
Man oh man did things change once my focus drifted even the tiniest bit away from her. Up until this point I would bend over backwards to keep her happy, do things I didn't want to do, even give up some of my passions to keep her happy because she didn't like that it interfered with "our time". I got out of shape, alienated friends just because they happened to be female even though the relationship with them was completely platonic (we had known each other since we were 10 years old for crying out loud!). I thought I was happy because making her happy was what made me happy. Looking back I now realize that it was so draining and I was blinded by how she made me feel at the beginning. I held on to that feeling even though I knew it had been slipping away more and more.

About the beginning of December the changes in the relationship had become so apparent, so numerous, and so intense that I couldn't attribute it to just stress and change anymore. I confronted her about this growing distance between us, the lack of affection and intimacy on her part, her care free attitude about being with her "new friends" , mostly guys, out late, not knowing where she is or who she is with (mind you it was a big deal if I got a text from a female friend asking for help with something work related... But her behavior was to be considered ok...) but she was not willing to do anything to spend any time with me. Her answer was that she had been unhappy, I am never conversational, I don't show her I love her, I'm always sleeping (I start my 13 hour shifts at 4am...), and things of that nature.

Now I am the first to admit my faults, I am not afraid of criticism and as I loved this girl I was more than willing to listen. I know I am not very conversational, she would ask me about work and I would be very short and not descriptive- " oh you know, long day really busy" and not much else... Not because I didn't want to share but because of the nature of my job it would be a crime to share, she knew this and I stretched the rules to their very limit, but I'm not a big small talker either and I told her that I will definitely make the effort to be more involved in the conversations and not just listen to her. The sleeping I tried to explain, I need to be able to perform my job to the best of my abilities, for the safety of myself and others but I conceded that I could push my sleep schedule a little more when I had days off and promised I would. The affection and intimacy or lack off she blamed on me because my actions had put her in a bad mood. I attributed not ahowing i loved her to my lack of experience in serious relationships. She cried a lot but ultimately at the end I felt like it was all my fault, that I had failed her in some way by making her upset.
The next few days were rocky, she was extremely cold and I was trying to maintain a "it's ok, we will get through this and be stronger for it" positive attitude for her so she wouldn't be upset.

Then I got our cell phone bill the day after Xmas, I noticed an extremely high volume of calls from her line- almost 1000 minutes on her line alone. I looked at the detailed usage and discovered she would spend anywhere between an hour and a half to three hours on the phone at 2-3 in the morning with this number. I looked into it and found out it was a guy she worked with. This had been going on for several weeks, about the time I noticed this distance staring to manifest itself. I confronted her immediately, as I was at work we discussed it on the phone. I stepped away from where I had the bill open on the computer and we talked on and off for almost 7 hours. Finally it felt as if a giant weight had lifted off my chest, I thought I finally got through to her. She apologized assured me it was nothing more than her venting her frustrations about the issues we were having with a guy so he could give her insight her girlfriends couldn't. I bought into it, that is until I sat back down and looked at the computer. The bill had refreshed since i last looked at it. Every time I had to let her go or she had to let me go, she was on the phone with this guy (we will call him John from now on). She called again to tell me she missed me and would really like it if I would just go to her place and curl up and watch a movie. Knowing full well what she had been doing I agreed like I had no idea and everything was ok. I was not going to deal with any more lies on the phone, I'd see if she would lie to my face. I needed to actually do my job anyways, luckily it was a quiet day and the distraction wasn't really harmful.

The work day ended and I just went straight to her house. I didn't shower didn't change didn't bring food like I said I would. I didn't even take off my coat when I sat down on her bed. Knowing full well something had to be wrong I looked her dead in the eye and said "Did you talk to John today" she looked straight back and without skipping a beat said "no" I responded with "not at all?" to which she said "well I called to tell him that we couldn't talk anymore but he didn't answer" I stood up, looked her dead in the eye and said "you are a f&$(8$(, liar give me my ring back" she started crying and saying I'm sorry. I took my ring, grabbed all the things I gave her that had sentimental value and started walking out the door, she kept saying she was sorry and to wait. I stopped and in a moment of lost self control I yelled, "sorry just isn't going to effing cut it. You lie, you sneak behind my back talking to other guys, you say it's just about 'us' but you end our conversations because you say you are tired and going to bed but call him and talk until 5 in the morning - YOU EFFING LIE" to which she said I scare her and to get out of her house. I told her if I walk out that door I'm never coming back. She said we aren't ever going to resolve this tonight and just let me go. I waited 5 mins at the front door but she never came so I went home. The next day at work I lost total control of my emotions, up down left right I could not reign it in. This was so uncharacteristic It freaked me out, it made me physically sick to the point I was sent home as not fit for duty because they thought I had the flu. I didn't give them any reason to think otherwise, if they knew a relationship had me so unhinged I don't even want to think what the fall out would be. I went home, took a cold shower, tried but failed to eat then called my mother, if there's one person I could open up to it would be her I reasoned. She told me that she "knew it is hard but once trust is lost like that it will always be in the back of your head." Despite the negativity I deal with on a daily basis I remain positive and truly believe that everyone has a good side, people make mistakes and if they can understand and correct what they did wrong everyone deserves a second chance - love is forgiveness after all... Man was that naive. My dumbarse grabbed my ring and went over to her house to forgive her. She had been texting and calling all day saying she was sorry, she was wrong, she panicked when I asked her and she didn't want to make me mad after we had such an honest and good conversation, that we had finally started mending the strain on our relationship. I ate it allll up and that's where I gave in to the second chance mentality. I'd like to note that in the past I've never forgiven dishonesty and the disrespect associated with it, that's just one of those things that is very important to me and unforgivable, but this girl had me twisted all around.

I showed up unannounced and she was so shocked, i was supposed to be at work all day afterall. She had obviously been crying and she broke down instantly upon seeing me and just held on to me for dear life. My heart melted. We sat down and I started talking I told her that when I first gave her that ring that I meant what I said, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and was committed to "us" no matter what it takes. At that point her grandmother walked in the front door, my ex apologized and said she had to go with her to an appointment and had completely forgot. I was ok with that, I did show up unannounced after all. We promised to meet up after and just talk. Well 6 hours later nothing. I contacted her and she said that the fact I showed up was just shocking and that she thinks that I will always hold this against her always question her etc etc etc. I told her ya you are right I will if you don't do anything to make me think otherwise. She said she wasn't willing to give up her friendship with John because she doesn't think she did anything wrong. I went and got my ring back... Again and gave her, well her mother because she disnt want to face me so I had to drop it off at her parents business, every single thing she gave me over the course of our relationship no matter how insignificant, sentimental or not, and initiated no contact. She FREAKED out when she got all that stuff from her mom. Over the next 48 hours it was message after message, call after call leaving voicemails saying I love you, how can you just cut me out, do you really not care, I miss my boyfriend etc etc. I caved in on the third day and it was just a back and forth of me trying to fix it, her saying she wanted to but not doing anything to actually fix it. I got frustrated and we ultimately decided to spend some time apart evaluate ourselves and give it a try in a few weeks. Well over the next few days I found out the extent of her deception and betrayal went far beyond phone calls. It was intimate, they were definitely more than "just friends." 

I ended it by telling her she was "a lying bit... " before she hung up on me and that was the last I talked to her. That was about 20 days ago.

Like I said I went back and evaluated everything that happened over the entire time we were together. I discovered some more deceit when someone sent me some anonymous emails from her phone regarding emails sent between her and others during our entire relationship. I'm pretty sure I know who it was, a coworker of hers that id known for a long time that she had screwed over pretty badly, but I'll never be able to prove it or I would I'd buy them a beer for opening my eyes to who she really is. I learned that this is a pattern of hers, she always has someone waiting in the wings. Always keeping and opening new options. When things go wrong she establishes the foundations of a new relationship the  just jumps ship. She did it to boyfriend A to B, then B to C, then C with me. The only reason she panicked was because her new relationship wasn't firmly established yet, it wasn't a sure thing. I caught her in the act and exposed her game before she could dump me and that threw a huge wrench in how she operates. But by the time I ended it once and for all she was set with John and has since just disappeared, I got the last word and since it's been no contact.

I know that the love I had was an illusion. I loved what I thought was her not the real person. In my mind I've already let go, logically I want nothing to do with her. But something is missing, I never really thought heartache was a real thing but I can assure you now that it is. There's a tightness in my chest that just won't go away, it makes it difficult to breathe, eat, sleep... It's a constant. 

I've done everything I can think of to help myself move on. I've been hitting the gym, I started to really do it to help when things first started to I south in November and I've lost almost 25 lbs, im in the best shape of my life, I went out and bought myself some new clothes, reorganized all my things, spent time with friends and reconnected with a lot I lost touch with because of her. But in the end that's all just a quick fix. That only makes me feel better for a short time. There's only so many times in a day you can go to the gym, only so much you can do to move around your house you know? The worst part is that this all came as a complete shock. One lie caused me to look into everything and soon everything just exploded. I couldn't prepare, I reacted, and I know my reaction was the right one. But still to be with someone so long, always have them texting and calling to nothing is probably the worst. My phone is eerily quiet. I just check it a hundred times a day, not necessarily to see if she broke no contact but to see if anyone out there tried contacting me at all...

I've been through bad breakups, I've been cheated on before, I always look at it as one day at a time. You wake up and you are "down" but everyday you feel better just a little bit sooner until you are back to being happy with you. But with this everything seems to get worse and last longer. I can barely manage to eat anything, the only reason I eat is because I know I have to, I lay in bed at night scared to close my eyes because I know I will dream about the good times or about how she just cut me out completely at the end. I guess because integrity has always been a big part of my life I don't understand the lies. I'm not a trusting person in the sense that I don't let people close to me easily. But as my friends would tell you once I do let someone in I trust them completely and they know that I would take a bullet for them without hesitation. Like I mentioned before I handle emotions differently than a lot of others, so I don't throw "I love you" around like it's nothing, if I say it I absolutely mean it with all of my being. It just kills me to know that she could say that to me and do what she did at the same time. Now she's "happy" and I'm miserable and I have to grieve about that too.

Again I just feel lost, the traditional remedies don't help. Everyone says just keep doing what you are doing, time is all that's left... But time isn't helping, it's making it worse. I made her a part of my life, included her in everything about me from the things I used to do to make myself feel better to taking her to the places I used to go to just "escape" and think when I was upset or angry or frustrated.
 I'm trying to get out and do new things meet new people. I've been going out to the bars at night with friends to distract myself (I'm not drinking, personally just not my thing) but that's not my scene. New hobbies bore me, I love my job but I can't focus and almost my entire 13 hour shift is spent alone, not focusing at what I do is definitely not conducive to coming home safe at night. My friends like I said are all in long term relationships and are set in their own routines so it gets dull doing the same things over and over again. I've tried to meet new people but its very hard not being a chatty person. 

I'm beating myself up trying to "show her" I'm better than that. I'm trying to prove to myself that I'm not what she says about me. I'm forcing myself to stay up late even when I'm exhausted because she said I was always sleeping early, I'm going out and doing things I never did before even though I don't like to because it's the only things I didn't do with her. I'm writing long winded messages on the Internet to strangers... Im not being me. I'm not unhappy with me, I'm actually very proud of what I've accomplished in my life. I know I have a great future ahead of me and that I have a lot to offer. 

But that said I'm still stuck on that "perfect match" feeling I had when we first got together. To me the perfect day off is to stay in in sweats, take care of business and just relax. I bust my butt at work in crappy weather, during crappy hours, dealing with crappy people. I don't want to go out all the time, I don't want to always be going places, I want to save some money to get a new home not just an apartment. She liked all of that too, she wasn't a party person, didn't like the bar, preferred to just stay in and watch movies in each others arms (act or not that was perfect - I was happy and content). My concern is how the hell do you meet someone like that?! I "got lucky" with her because I used to work in retail so I met new people all the time. My career job does not provide me that opportunity, so I'm left with going "out" which I hate.... What are the odds that someone who is out would rather be at home? Who knows maybe someone was dragged along like I was... But then if you are in a bad mood to begin with because you dont want to be there how in the hell approachable do you think you are?! So you do what I do, put on a smile and pretend like its all ok, like you are having a good time. Don't get me wrong, all this uncertainty hasn't killed my self confidence, I know my worth and I consider myself to be attractive to boot. Self confidence is huge and I can play "the game" just as well as anyone. But the people that attracts don't interest me when I'm out, im past that college party boy attitude, so here we are back to square one. I know I know, plenty of fish in the sea, someone out there for everyone and all that but that "perfect" feeling will I ever find that again, more importantly will I find it and it be genuine or just another manipulative act? I'm no idiot I know I'm missing the "feelings" I had in the relationship, not her. She's not on that pedestal anymore, in fact I made my list the good vs bad list... After looking at it I tossed it in my fireplace the facts spoke for themselves and the very though of who she is makes me sick. But for some reason all the things she says about me to other people, that she doesn't realize knew me before she and I even, knew each other. She says I never loved her: that infuriates me to no end. She bad mouths me up and down acting the victim. Typical behavior for a narc I understand but it REALLY pisses me off...

I'm starting to go in circles and get off on different tangents so I think now is a good a time as any to cut it off. Again thank you if you made it this far and I appreciate any advice  and guidance you have.

Jan 31 - 2PM
clarity123
clarity123's picture

You described everything I was feeling!!

I can totally relate to everything you said and are currently feeling. The confusing part was my exN I thought was trying to make me a better person. I was going through a transition at work and was dealing with a lot of stress he would call me overly sensitive and would not be supportive. Since I was dealing with the stresses of finding a new job he would get angry with me and start petty arguments and or bring up past arguments and or give me the silent treatment! I did Not have an engagement ring yet, but I knew he bought one. Three weeks after we broke up he told me that he would have proposed to me but had to return the ring! It's the most horrible feeling , but to know that he lied to me about his job in addition to starting petty arguments about me not keeping him in the know when I call him in he morning before work when I text him before I go to the gym the minute that he sees that someone knew about something I did before he knew he would throw a fit or put me down for it. The sad part is we have so many mutual friends they think I'm the psycho one that gave up such a great guy!
Jan 31 - 3AM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Sounds like you have come to the right place

Always a shocker when we do all the right things and treat another with respect and even "special" treatment and they screw you anyway. That was my experience as well and of course ego gets in the way and it is difficult to imaging that someone who CAME ACROSS like we were everything to them and the LOVE OF THEIR LIFE AS WELL and then come to find out we are being stabbed in the back possibly even from day one. Kinda of a tough one to wrap your brain around. This is heady stuff for us when we feel as though we have at long last met someone who GETS US who see's our value and what we have to offer and is sooooooo........appreciative and grateful for us in the beginning.............and then SLAM WHAM THANK YOU MAN......it was only a movie, an act. We were possibly a pawn in their friggin chess game of lies, deception, and tangled web of manipulation and fantacy "love" attention and devotion. It was not real for them, they were using me. Sure does take the wind out of our sales and plays with our ego. We vacilate from feelings of sadness and deep despair over losing this alledged "great love" to wanting answers for this horrific lie and game played with OUR lives and OUR hearts, to wanting to rip THEIR heart and soul out and serve it to them on a platter to show them and to prove to them that they in fact did not get the last laugh and were not able to take us down once we realize that they had no intention of going the long haul with us and ever giving us what we wanted. This is no uncommon for us to fall apart to some extent mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually because our psyche's were just hit from behind on all levels. Houston, we just took a direct hit from an alien being and it was NOT PRETY, it shattered the homeland base on the moon into a million little pieces. The moon was our head and our hearts. These cons are good at their craft and they have us feeling like we are on cloud 9 on top of the moon, in the beginning.............and when they strike the first time it is such a shock to our systems that we are so surprised we almost ignore the hit, we almost want to pretend that we were just NOT HIT. We just imagined that we were struck, this cannot be true, the object of my love and affection is not REALY trying to take me down. And them WHAM you get hit again and again. and if you still don't GET IT, they actually tell you you are dog shit and if you are still having trouble comprehending what just hit you they look you directly in the eyes and say: I don't know what to tell you buddy, this is just the way it is. When you are ready to call it a day and GET OUT, they have a sudden change of heart and they tell you that YOU ARE NUTS, they have you questioning your reality. They SAY what do YOU MEAN, I don't love you or I am cheating on you, or I lied to you. ARE YOU NUTS, you are the love of my life. YOU must be mistaken. I did not hit you I did not shatter you, I did not try to take you down. I LOVE YOU, YOU are my everything. You are back on top again, you are HIGH again. YES, YOU MUST have been mistaken. HOW utterly foolish and stupid of YOU to question YOUR reality of course...............SHE is the LOVE OF MY LIFE, what was I thinking??? Until the NEXT TIME.................and the NEXT TIME............ And then they LEAVE YOU and you are like............What the FUCK??? ARE you KIDDING ME. DID THIS JUST HAPPEN??? What just happened??? I thougth this person loved me? Even though my instincts told me there was something wrong....they kept getting ignored by me because I did not want to believe the obvious. Who would do this to me? What kind of sick deranged twisted freak would do this to me? Now I am not only hurt, angry, and disgusted with her, I also am confused, angry, and shocked at myself that I was able to get used, sucked in and fucked by this lying, using, manipulative freak of nature. HOw could this happen to me? I am intelligent, trained in the area of spotting criminal, deceptive minds, players, cons. Damn, how did this happen to me? I am better than this, I should have seen this coming. Yes, we all thought that, and you sure as shit will see it coming the next time. YOu will see it coming from across the street. Never ever will you get duped like this again. That is the good news. Everything in life happens to us for a reason and as painful as this experience has been for you, you have gained an invaluable lesson at a young age and thank God there were no children involved and thank God you were not married and basically you were spared from a whole lot worse. Because it only gets worse with these freaks. You may not feel any of this yet, the joy at how you were spared a life of misery and what a valuable lesson you have learned. For now just keep reading, posting, getting out your anger, and sadness through journaling and sharing your feelings and get a dog if you do not already have one that has helped me more than anything else right now. I have a german shepherp puppy Zachary, he is almost a year now and man on man has he been a blessing, a diversion, a handful, and a bundle of laughs and a comedy in errors for me. On the downside when he came home here at 8 weeks old he shit and pissed in every conceivable inch of the house and he would play for hours outside and when he came in he would go on the floor no matter how long he was out. One day I was on the phone on a one on one session and I hear this light crunching outside and I am thinking oh nice Zachary is munching on his bone or his hoof. He sure does love to chew, more so than any other dog I have ever had. Well I get off of the phone and go outside to bring him in and he had chewed off the entire bottom row of shingles from my house. Looks great, like the projects, my house has chew marks all over the front and he dug two big holes the size of a friggin wading pool. WTF, I have an entire demolition team guarding my house. When he is in the house he is obsessed with the cat, kind of like one of us obsessed with our narc and he follows the cat around trying to herd it and get it to play. The cat is like, buzz off and whacks him with his claws out. Does this stop Zachary? Hell no, he goes back for more and more and more. I am like Zachary....stop it, you are so Co Dependent. Leave the cat alone, He does NOT want to be your friend. HE does not like you, he is bad for you. Zachary looks up at me and is like O.K. MOM sure and then he get's that glazed look in his eyes which I have seen so often in the obsessed female and he goes back for more abuse looking for a different result. When will we learn?. ARE WE just like the dog and the cat. Hmmmmmmm....... Oh a positive note ZACH is the most loving loyal sweetest dog I have ever had, every morning he stretches his long legs, this dog is a pony, HUGE, and he comes over to me and puts his big long paws around my neck and hugs me and then puts his head on my chest so that he can get a big hug from me and he can comfort me. The cutest thing I ever saw, it's like he knows that I need my morning hug. By the time narc left, I had so much open hostility towards him that he scooted out of the house as quickly as possible. He better run or I was liable to through a brick or two at his head on his way out to get in his car. I had nothing left but anger and hatred towards him by the time he moved out. We went to NYC as our last trip together and were taking the ferry over to liberty island to see the statue and ellis island and it was freezing cold and I kept hoping that maybe he would fall overboard and it would be too cold for him to survive. God knows, I was not going to jump in to rescue him after all the hateful things he had done to me. I also had that same feeling when he was on a tall ladder trying to fix the dish on top of the house and clean off the snow. He said, hold the ladder for me. I got to thinking as I was standing by the ladder, yeah right, like I'm going to hold this ladder and let a 6'6" man fall on my head and crush me. I think if he was to fall, I better just move and let him fall to the ground. That would be the smartest thing for me to do. All this is running through my mind as he is on top of the roof freezing his lying, cheating, manipulative, evil, devil like ass off. This was the point I reached after 3 long years of his verbal abuse, lies, head games, manipulation, he even took a break off from the relationship to go to jail for 9 months in the middle of the 3 years for domestic assault, severe property damage to MY HOME, and robbing me of thousands of dollars out of my personal checking account. And I thought I was intelligent and well trained in PD's as well. HECK I tested in the top 99 percentile and this evil lying conning piece of shit was able to fool me and suck me in with his: love of my life, soulmate, never going to leave you, I want to marry you and spend the rest of my life with you bullshit. I was the type of person who would take my coat off and give it to a homeless person, give you my last 20.00 if I thought you needed it more than I did. I was a giver and believe it or not, up until that point in my life had NEVER EVER been screwed like that or EVEN met the likes of this blood sucking vulture. That was all then and this is now. Beleive it or not even though I speak of him with the names and lack of concern for his well being, this was only after months of abuse and initially I loved that man so much I would have done most anything for him until I could SEE who and WHAT he really was. He was as close to the devil as I ever want to get again. I now don't even think about him all that often and have hope for my future. I was laughing out loud writing some of this because I can look back on so much of it and laugh now. I never thought that would be possible. You will get there you are still in the eye of the storm. God bless, Goldie
Jan 27 - 8AM
Gso88
Gso88's picture

Thanks - and clarification

Thank you everyone for your comments and support. I honestly believe that I see this girl for what she is now. I can't make this any clearer, In no way do I want her back, the very thought of her disgusts me. I don't feel like what happened was my fault in the least, anyone who knew us could tell you that despite anything she says to the contrary it was very apparent I loved her very much and would do anything for her. Nothing I ever did makes cheating acceptable, it's never acceptable- if something makes one partner so unhappy as to want to cheat the relationship should be ended. From that perspective she can blame me all she wants, justify her actions however she wants, but I feel no guilt nor will I accept any blame from her. I will say I am extremely disappointed in myself. I've been working in and around law enforcement since I was a cadet at 14 years old. I was always trained to trust your gut. I like to think my instincts are pretty finely honed, and over the course of our relationship I ignored every warning, every red flag and just kept on and I cannot explain why. I caught her in lies, I had very good reason to suspect something was up, things of that nature. She wasn't even a good liar! I just let myself be fooled by the way she made me feel in the beginning and desperately clung on to that idea I guess.. That disappoints me, I was totally out of my character, I was not myself, I acted against my very personality, out of "control" of my thoughts and actions and I don't ever want to do that again. My issue here lies in a conflict between my heart and my head. I know that "perfect feeling wasn't real, and that like a drug the feeling can be addictive. But I really just want to stop being affected by this girl. I've reached out to mutual friends we shared that wouldn't be the type to "take sides" and told them that I have no problem talking to them, just do not talk to me, update me, show me, etc anything about my ex. The problem is, some slipped through the cracks, people I didn't know even knew my number have contacted me. It's like a daily refresher. I can't block calls I don't know, I can't block emails I don't know, I can't determine who will even try to contact me. Like for instance, I said yesterday jan 26, 2010 was the anniversary of the day we "made our relationship official" she decided to go ahead and make her new relationship official yesterday as well. My phone exploded- there was nothing I could do to ignore it and the disrespect at that very action felt like a punch in the stomach. But I remind myself, she's a narc, that stuff means nothing to her so long as she's got her supply. Grrrr -frustrated me
Jan 30 - 7PM (Reply to #7)
TNR1
TNR1's picture

GSO....we all ignored

GSO....we all ignored flags...that is the things with Ns. It doesn't matter how intelligent you are...they find a way to circumvent your gut instincts and like a snake charmer..they wind their way into your heart. I think the worst thing that a Narc does is make you feel so special, so connected to them initially...that is what we oftentimes chase..the actor/actress we first met. I have to agree with Hunter..you have too many reminders....and you need to cut them off completely. Once you have a new email and a new phone number and you can focus on yourself...I think you will find that what you don't know is a blessing. You can then put all your attention on yourself and rebuild your network. BTW...as you remind yourself of things..remind yourself that you can love and that is something that she will never truly be able to do.
Jan 29 - 10AM (Reply to #6)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

GSO

No you cant block all calls but you can change your email and phone number.. You must also clean house, you will see you must cut off mutual friends as well.. Since you are in Law enforcement maybe make this your calling to help all who are involved in toxic relationships.. We are offering a support group starting Feb 8th .. Goldie is a great resource.. we would love to have you.. educating your self on this subject will help you in your life going forward.. " The Path Forward" you are about to become an expert in the topic of Narcissism .. It takes about 2 yrs to move past this terrible experience.. NC is the only rule .. Hunter Hunter
Jan 26 - 4PM
TNR1
TNR1's picture

Wow...you have really been

Wow...you have really been through the ringer. I think you need to reread what you have written and see that you tried so very hard to be an understanding boyfriend and you gave her several "2nd chances". I think you need to let whatever guilt you are feeling go...easier said than done I know...especially when a Narc tells you it is all your fault. You deserve better than a girl who is going to lie to you and treat you poorly. I am glad you found your way to this forum. HUGS!
Jan 26 - 4PM
Run4it
Run4it's picture

GS088

Well, the bad news is that she is a Narc. The good news is that in your mid 20's you are learning a valuable lesson about this disorder and yourself. I have a son your age and a daughter a little younger who experienced a Narc as her first love at 16. She is now mid 20's as well. It took her quite a while to get over and through her 5 year ordeal. She is fantastic now and dating a wonderfully normal young man. You have started and are getting it out in a safe place with people who understand. Come here as much as you need to and read everything you can. It is shocking to find that a person you truly love can LIE and CHEAT so easily and frequently. It is the hardest relationship ending I have ever experienced but I can tell you that it gets better every day. It just takes time and work as you will see. Donesourcing is a rock. Been there and done that. Use his invaluable experience. I hate for anyone to have to go through this but you will come out on top because you have character and love.
Jan 26 - 4PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

That "perfect" feeling you

That "perfect" feeling you refer to...........wasn't real. Unfortunately, you were under her spell at this point. They are good like that. Masters of manipulation and what she did was drawl you in and make you fall head over heels in love with her. Almost like drinking love potion. The more experienced the narc, the better they are at obtaining their supply quickly. That perfect feeling, was the release of oxytocen from the brain, giving you an emotional high, and you are trying desperately to get that back. You won't however, because her mask is off, this is where she has no other choice but to D & D you. She already sought out her new supply, but hadn't secured it 100% so she grasped at straws to hold onto you. Once the mask is off, they can not pretend any more. Read as much as you can get your hands on and stay strong!
Jan 26 - 2PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Hark,Hark yes this chick is a

Hark,Hark yes this chick is a Narc... They do come In all shapes sizes and genders... Stay here with us.. We are offering a support group on FEB 8th.. We'dlove or you to join.. The more the Merrier .. Misery loves company.. Get to reading, find a shrink, and vent away.. You may want to check in with Done Sourcing.. He's a he.. With a crazy xwife narc.. Send him a PM.. Tell him Hunter sent you.. :) Welcome to Narcville