Doctordiva's Story

2 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Jan 23 - 2PM
Doctordiva
Doctordiva's picture

Doctordiva's Story

Need help coparenting with a narcissist

My story

My story with N who has tried to ruin my life began casually 4 years ago and now I find myself wondering what I can do to prevent my baby girl from becoming just like him. We met through my cousin when she was in town with a bunch of her friends to celebrate her birthday. He was charming, said all the right things, and I did something I never do…slept with him without knowing him even 24hours. He was so good he even went so far as to buy me a fake cubic zirconium ring and give it to the second night he had known me telling me that he just knew he would be giving me a real ring like this someday….and I fell for it. He lived in another state so we talked and texted and then he asked me to come visit him about 1 mo later. I did we had fun but it was only 2 days and I really didn’t know him that well. Plus there was the distance and he told me he really wasn’t looking for a long term long distance relationship so we should just see what happens. We kept talking for awhile then he disappeared. I heard from my cousin he had a new GF but every few months he would call and tell me how much he missed me and that he wanted to come out and visit me because she was crazy and didn’t understand him. It never happened and I pretty much let it all go.
Then 2 years later I was in town visiting my cousin and because we have mutual friends he ended up out at same bar and of course he turned on the charm again and I got sucked in again. He told me his GF cheated on him and he was devastated and he had lost his job was living on unemployment. And I bought it all and got sucked back in. We talked every day after that I bought him a ticket to come visit me for the weekend. Then I had to go there for a wedding of a good friend and stayed with him. I began to see things that were red flags and began to realize I didn’t know him that well. He drank much more often than I thought. Even when we were not going out he would drink 7-8 beers a night. After that trip I decided maybe this needed to end again and he kind of stopped calling me too.
Then 2 months later I got the biggest shock of my life. I was pregnant. I had been taking birth control and to this day I still do not know how it happened but I found myself 32yo single and pregnant. I called him and told him. He told he wasn’t ready for a baby and I should have an abortion. I told him I was keeping the baby with our without his support and it was up to him what his involvement would be. Didn’t hear from him for a few weeks then all the pressure from his family and what people would think about him if he abandoned his child kicked in and he called me. He wanted to be a family he wanted his child to have a real 2 parent home like we both had. We need to give it a real go at a relationship. He would try and find a job and move here to be with me and the baby. So I planned a trip there to meet his family and so we could figure things out. He was unemployed at the time and I was doing everything I could to get him a job. He moved in Augus after I found him a job. He came on a family vacation with my family and the day we came back I was sick the whole day throwing up. When we arrived home he said he had friends in town and wanted to go grab a drink and then he would be home. He left even though I was sick and when he was gone I started having contractions and I couldn’t reach him. I drove myself to the hospital and was in preterm labor. Never heard from him until 5am then he finally came. I later found out that his ex GF was in town and read his texts and found out he was having sex with her while I was in hospital. He denied everything said she was making it up because she was jealoushe was with me now. I was about to have his baby so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and decided to give him a clean slate. Big mistake. The weekend before our daughter was born I was home on bed rest for high blood pressure and he was gone at a strip club till 8am on a Sunday. I just didn’t know what to do I was really stuck on having this perfect family for my baby so she would grow up with everything I had. So once again I let it go.
After my daughter was born he took off 1 day then went back to work in his new sales job leaving me with a newborn for 10 days at a time. I took 3 mo off work and he said because I wasn’t working I should always get up with her because he had to work and I didn’t. He criticized me for stopping breastfeeding after 1 mo because my supply was gone and I was tired of spending 5h a day attached to a breast pump. My daughter developed really bad colic and would scream for 3 hours at a time for no reason usually 1-4am and I was losing it. He was sleeping down in guest room so the baby didn’t wake him up. I was diagnosed with Postpartum depression and started taking medications and seeing a counselor. We were fighting all the time and could not co parent or make any decisions together. I took him to counseling with me to work on co-parenting and the counselor refused to see him again because he was beyond help and she told him within 1 session of meeting him that I was dealing with a narcissist and if I was going to stay in the relationship I was going to need a lot of help. I wasn’t ready to deal with it so I just keep on going. Eventually the emotional abuse got so bad and he even pushed me against a wall and down on floor a few time so I told him our relationship was over and he needed to move out of my house where he had been living rent free. He of course said fine but he wanted our daughter 50% of the time which was ridiculous because he never really took care of her at all. I could not imagine not seeing my 5 mo old baby 50% of the time so I let him move downstairs into the guest room so we would just be roommates and co parents. I drew up a lease and he had to pay me for rent and utilities and it was only for 6 mo. When she turned 1 I wanted him to leave. I found out later he took the lease I gave him and changed the whole thing and just kept the last page where I had signed the same.
In March he was arrested for DUI when were driving to dinner with friends at 6pm on a Friday. I had to bail him out and was told it was his 2nd offense and had to pay $5200 for his bail. He continues to claim he only had 1 beer before we left the house. I still haven’t gotten that $$ back. He actually thinks he can get away with everything. In October just before my daughters 1st birthday party he was drunk left his phone on the counter and I read all his texts. I not only found out he was sleeping with other women when he was gone for business but I also found out he had a prostitute he paid for sex to my house several times when I was out of town with the baby. Additionally just a week earlier he had solicited her to the house when I was out of town and he was alone with our baby sleeping upstairs. I was so disgusted I couldn’t even look at him. Luckily I had not slept with him since before our baby was born. He kept saying he needed to get to know me better and did not want to confuse our relationship with sex. Whatever. I somehow managed to keep my mouth shut until after her 1st birthday party then I met with a family law attorney – served him with a nuisance to quit to evacuate the home for breaking the law and having a prostitute in the home and served him with a petition for primary physical custody. He left went to stay with his only friend in town and didn’t even bother to check on his daughter for a week. I changed the locks on the doors and went out of town over Halloween. While I was gone he broke into my home and began moving things he deemed important out including many joint items we bought together and he took a bunch of my daughter’s things. After the break in and damage to my home I was able to get a temporary protective order granted. That helped a lot with the No contact. He didn’t even try and see or check on our daughter until 1 mo later when we had a hearing to extend the TPO. The commissioner did extend it but allowed him visitation 2 days a week if he wore a SCRAM ankle monitor to monitor his alcohol consumption. My parents facilitated that so I don’t have to see or talk to him. He never came to get the rest of his things so my friends helped me pack them all up and put them in the garage and now he says he is going to sue me for damages to his personal property.
We finally went to court for a custody hearing in beginning of Jan and the judge granted temp joint custody but only gave him Wed night and Sat night with her which really isn’t by definition joint. She ordered him to have an alcohol evaluation but I have to pay for it. His DUI case goes to trial in June. We go to trial for custody in April. Since our court date he has gone back to being super nice charming wants to work something out so we don’t keep spending money fighting lawyers. I told him I wanted to wait for his alcohol evaluation before trying to settle anything. He seemed to be finally cooperating then last week when he came to pick up the baby he came 2 hours early and the nanny was at the house with my baby she didn’t know what to do she let him in. He said he wanted to pack up some things while she got the baby ready to go. I found out the next day he was in my house and a flash drive and file of documents from my lawyer were missing. He obviously hasn’t changed and I just don’t see how I can come to any agreement with him on custody. The state I live in very heavily favors joint custody so I’m not sure my chances at wining primary. I do have his alcohol history of DUis the prostitute etc to help but since he has had the alcohol monitor on he has stopped drinking. He has done this before so I know he will start again. I don’t want to keep spending 10-20,000$ fighting him in court because I already had to spend so much $$ on private investigators etc. I am just so afraid he will get 50/50 joint custody and that my daughter will turn out to be just like him. I don’t know how to co parent with him. He is willing to allow me 60% and him 40% call it joint custody. I just think that is too much time for a 15mo old to be away from me her primary caretaker. The other issues is that I make more $$ than him so if joint is granted in court I have to pay him $1000 a month in child support. That kills me because he has already sucked me dry of $$ for last year. I really don’t know what to do. I try to do NC but I do need to text only about our daughter. If he texts about anything else I don’t respond. My biggest fear is protecting my daughter from having a narcissistic father and preventing her from becoming just like him. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Jan 23 - 9PM
Hope
Hope's picture

Wow

What a nightmare!!!!!!! I can't see a judge in their right mind giving him joint custody. I also think these guys are just bluffing, wait a while, he will disappear and you won't have to worry about him. The last thing they want is to be a parent or take care of a baby. I wish you all the best and stay strong, lock up your important papers and password your computer. I'd go and fill out a criminal complaint about that in court too. When I divorced my x husband about 20 years ago, I had a good lawyer, he got the message after a while I had to get a restraining order and then he violated that and I had him arrested. I also had him arrested regarding back child support and we were able to hold him overnight, I had a check the next day for $5K he got it from his family. Like I said stay strong and keep fighting. Best of luck and welcome to the board.