The absence of the love you once knew can be the most excruciating feeling in the world. The betrayal alone is unbearable to acknowledge, impossible to accept, and one of the most difficult things to ever overcome in your lifetime.
Betrayal is unbearable to acknowledge because we trusted these people with everything we had and loved them more than life itself. We can not believe that the person whom we shared our whole self with, our inner most thoughts, our fears, our secrets, our beliefs, and our love, could turn away from us so coldly. We trusted them with our hearts, but most importantly, with our souls.
Accepting this betrayal takes a very long time to do. We have to go through this pain staking journey of healing. We have to educate ourselves on not only the disordered, but very thing that comes along with being in a relationship with one. We are faced with dissecting not only the narc, but the relationship, and most importantly, us. This is a very long and at times a very painful experience in itself, as if we haven't been through enough already. Accepting the betrayal seems like an impossibility. But it is not. It can be done, with hard work and the help of your therapist. You will eventually come to terms with this betrayal, and accept it for what it is. The strength that it takes to accept this, you don't even realize you have. Somewhere, in the course of your journey, you begin to blossom again. You begin to breathe a little easier, you find yourself thinking less about the "N", your obsessive thoughts are over. You will still think of the "N" but no where near the capacity as before. You catch yourself smiling without even trying or thinking about it. You begin to want more for yourself. You are beginning to realize your worth and you begin to expect others to not only see it, but to appreciate it and respect it. You are discovering and creating your own personal boundaries. Something you never had before These boundaries, as I have said in previous posts, are the key to your freedom. You won't know this until the first time you exercise them
All of these things that are or will be happening to you in your recovery, are very important. You are growing, you are developing into a new and improved you and you will love who you have become. You will look in the mirror and begin to recognize yourself again. The same person you always knew, will be staring back at you, but you will notice a slight difference. Look into your eyes, you will see them laughing, dancing, sparkling. There is life in them once again, there is life in you once again.
The journey's end is nearing. Some of the things you experienced in that journey will be but a distant memory. Betrayal, unfortunately, I don't believe, will be one of them. With that said, accept that you have to live with that. Maybe we need to keep that close to us so we never forget? Maybe we need a reminder that not all people are good nor should be trusted? Or maybe we need to never forget that at one time in our lives, we didn't have boundaries, and accepted how people treated us, allowed it. And, also, in most cases, mistook that for love? Maybe we will never forget the betrayal, maybe we are not suppose to. I'm not sure of the answer. But for now, I have acknowledged, accepted, and overcome the betrayal and will continue to learn to live with it.
I will live my life to it's fullest, because that it what is menat to be. One thing for sure...............it will NEVER happen to me again. And if you take all the right steps in your recovery, it will never happen to you again either.
Stay strong my friends and please know that there is no quick fix to what has happened to you. Continue on your journey to healing, and you will see, gradually, things all falling into place with ease. It does get better, it truly does. I didn't believe it when I started out and can say with all certainty now, that it is true.