I cannot tell you how many times that I back~slid for over 7 years. Yes. I felt the same way each time that you do now. The mountain looked too high to climb again. That was an illusion on my part----as was my narc. I DID have the power. I NEVER LOST IT ! I GAVE him my power and I TOOK IT BACK. You can, too. Feel what you are feeling right now and then move through it. Give yourself time---and compassion. Take back the Love you gave away and give it to YOU. Blessings.

StarLight

Oh hell, it's hard isn't it? Do not beat yourself up. You were trying to give your relationship every chance. Congratulations Friend....you did all you could & he failed. You will be fine. Someone recently told me that "this too shall pass...it just may hurt like a kidney stone while it does." one day at a time & stay with us here.

Just like an alcoholic or addict falls off the wagon, so does the addict to an emotionally abusive relationship. It's actually frustrating that you can't just be done with these people like a normal relationship. They are like a walking wine bottle to an alcoholic.

You will get to the point where enough is enough. Hopefully, this time is it for you. On a positive note, this is an amazing time for you to start over. It's the beginning of a new year. New year...new you! Life is great that way. When you fall off the wagon, you always get a "do over". This is yours.

I'm not undercutting the issue that it's going to be hard as hell to get through this again. But, you didn't lose all the knowledge you gained. You have an advantage this time. Don't beat yourself up. That serves absolutely NO purpose other than to prolong your recovery. Remind yourself that you're human....you went back just to make sure he's still an assclown. And he is. Good to know!

Don't feel so bad. I've never really been away. I can't, or I break NC. How sad is that? Sometimes I just lurk more, and try to practice what I read.

We've all danced with the devil. No one's going to shame you here.

The bottom is different for everyone.

The last, D&D, exN said,"Don't wait for me."

Perfect advice, straight from the horses mouth.

We can do this.

I spent 20 years trying to right a wrong (the Narc), waiting on him to grow up. So I won't be preachy, but he will not change. I hope you don't waste as much time as I did, because they are not worth the damage it is doing to you. You are going to have to fight with everything you have. You have got to shift your way of thinking. It is hard, but you can do it. Ask yourself, what good does he consistently give me? What does he bring to the table? Is he what I want in a relationship? Concentrate on his actions, not his words or your emotions. If you look solely at his actions, he will come up empty! in relationships, there are deal breakers, did he commit a deal breaker? Then he has to go for good. It's your life and your choices that matter, not his. You will have to stay NC to move forward. If you don't commit to NC, the rest will not come. You will not move forward. Its hard, but do it for you. NC NC NC

It's okay. It's not the end of the world. You just have to keep at it.

To give up, would mean to give up on yourself and you are not going to allow some douche bag abuser to convince you of the picture he has painted of you. It's an impostor.

The real you still exists under the surface turmoil that has been created. You are still real. You are loved and you are going to start your own crusade to help diminish the existence of abuse on this planet, by first stopping it in your life.

You HAVE to first trust in yourself completely and stop trusting him. He is a liar and he only wants to "win".

The ONLY way you can regain control of your life is by not allowing him to have it. Simple in theory, but as you know, difficult to do. NOT AT ALL IMPOSSIBLE.

Ask yourself if you lose him what exactly are you "losing"?
A relationship that is completely lopsided in power. One that your needs and desires go completely ignored,and one that exists sheerly through manipulation.

Now ask yourself if you continue to allow him in your life, what do you lose?
Your self esteem, moral fortitude,confidence and dignity. You lose your sense of self. YOU LOSE.

Have faith in yourself. Take a leap of faith and trust that you know what is right. Only you can stop this. You hold the key to your peace.

Come on. Start today 'cause that's what you have to work with, and take each day forward one at a time and constantly remind yourself you are loved and you count.

xxx/
Ruby

My friend,,What are we going to do about this??

Please take advantage of Goldie.. This is getting serious..

Hunter

If it's any consolation, I went back three times. The D&D would happen every time. Plus, he had been sleeping with other women for the entire relationship (of which I was unaware). It's my one biggest regret I didn't dump him the first time he dumped me out of the blue, a fews in. Instead I hung around for a year.

Been there done that. Like Ive said to other woman, i wish i could give you my experience instead of just my advice, just for a day, and then you would know never to go back ever ever again.

NC day one? Don't beat yourself up... just start again. Sometimes we need to dip to re - validate. I dipped till I drowned. Please don't do the same, you deserve better.