Rains Story

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#1 Jan 14 - 4PM
rainalaw
rainalaw's picture

Rains Story

Hi everyone...thanks for being here...this is my story...please keep an open mind and sorry it is so long...

This man entered my life 9 yrs ago under the false pretense of being a recovering alcoholic/addict. I had found him one very sad afternoon on Yahoo personals. I had just lost my 2nd husband to lung cancer and was dealing with a loss which included being tormented by my deceased husband’s kids from a previous marriage. I also had 2 kids of my own from my first marriage one of which has special needs and was 12 at the time. I was afraid of being alone and he was ready willing and able to become my “therapist” and help me through those emotional times. He was a 56 yr old merchant seaman at the time, 10 years my senior.

I do want to add something here regarding my background and the possible reason for my being attracted to this guy. I grew up with a raging alcoholic for a father. My mother was the epitome of a co-dependant enabler whom I’m sure had felt then some of the things that I am feeling now, abandonment and betrayal. So I think I fit the profile. I had absolutely no boundaries at the time I met the alleged N. This is one area that I am having a hard time with. That maybe I am nuts and he is really the sane one. I don’t want to think this because everything I have read (for the last 3 months – he dumped me in mid October) points to his being a full blown narcissist. So maybe someone could give me their thoughts.

With all of those “details” mentioned though, I really am a very smart person who had a very successful career in the IT industry until my husband got sick in 2002. While I was not always emotionally mature in my adulthood I had spent time trying to grow as a person and own my “stuff”.

Anyway, back to my story. So I pursued him on Yahoo, at least I made the initial contact rather persistently. We talked online for a few days and then met in person. That was it. I was head over heals in love (oh uh lust…see now in hindsight). He definitely played along…saying he would marry me…we didn’t get married (thank goodness) because I would have lost my husbands benefits…we were soul mates as he would say…he bought me a new washer and dryer within about 10 days…we were so much alike and had so much in common…I thought I heard him say those things…was it that I made it into a fairytale…I actually thought at one time that he was “better” than my husband that had passed…I am especially angry about that!

Then there was the sex. The first night he came to my house…maybe the 2nd or 3rd date…he said he really wanted to have sex but thought we should wait because it was the right thing to do but then he kept moving in that direction until it did happen and then I was REALLY hooked. Of course I did not resist…I had no boundaries. I thought the sex was great, I felt a real bond to him; I did feel like we were soul mates. At the same time (also hindsight) there was a level of insecurity very early on…I just never really felt the “caring” that a normal human feels for another whether they are a couple or not. The sex felt like “just sex” at times. I immediately dismissed these feelings at the time as my own dysfunction and personality flaws.

There were so many red flags:

First of all he had at least 3 women that he called “friends” at the time we met. I asked him to let them know that he was in a relationship with me…he did say he wanted to have a relationship…didn’t he? I know I can be jealous but I just felt the need to set this boundary.

At the same time I suspect he was extremely jealous of my deceased husband who was a hard working man and left me with enough (not a lot) to live on without having to work. My husband wanted to make sure I was okay and wouldn’t have to work so hard…I think this bothered the N.

Another red flag was that he (the N) has a long history of failed relationships. Not that I know about all of them. I know that he was married back in the 80s for a short time. One girl I heard of ended up dead from a heroin overdose probably about 4 or so years after he dumped her. She also had a special needs son. Some of the others he kept around…I suspect…they were part of that “friends” group. I was probably part of that “friends” group to the others…I just didn’t know it. That “friends group” always bothered me but the minute I would say anything or ask any kind of question about any of them he would fly off into a rage screaming, yelling, the devil eyes, calling me names (the c word more than once) blaming me for my extreme drama and being so uptight and that I could not “understand how a man can be “just friends” with women”. I mean am I wrong here? I think I could have learned to understand that concept if it was an honest and open behavior. Why was it such a big secret if it was “nothing”? If they were just friends why were they secrets?

The N moved into my home almost immediately. Well…sort of. Being a merchant seaman he would leave on a tour for 4 months at a time. 4 months out 4 months in. So he would be gone and I would wait for his return. While he was “at home” his favorite thing to do was “disappear”. He would usually start a fight when it came to doing anything around the house, anything I wanted to do, he would do stuff sometimes then create chaos at other times when asked to help or do, totally inconsistent. And me with my abandonment issues…well…I just can’t believe I let it happen but he would start a fight and storm out calling me every name in the book on the way out. I mean he probably would not talk to me or return my calls for days…weeks…at least 100 times…why did I do that to myself? I don’t know where he went, he just left. Would always return though and there I was like a panting puppy wanting some attention! How could I be so stupid!

He did own a townhouse when we first met which he had rented out to a girl (surprise) from AA (he probably went to 5 AA meetings during the 9 yrs that I knew him…so much for sobriety). I had an RV that my husband and I owned and at one point we (he did agree?) that I sell the RV and he bought a fifth wheel travel trailer and a new truck to pull it with so we could go camping. Well, another red flag. He had a major issue committing to the loans to fund those purchases. I don’t know how he ever committed to the townhome mortgage but that was during the previous girlfriends reign.  Much crazy making drama during that time, he was a definite commitment phobic. But he did make the purchases.

Then 2 yrs into the relationship I decided I wanted to sell my current home and move. I had a few different reasons and I just felt it was time to sell. I don’t even remember now how the fight started but he pulled one of his disappearing acts just as I was deciding to sell so I went ahead and put the house on the market and began looking to move without him. I was ready to move on from him too. Well, here he comes traipsing back saying, “lets buy a house together”. I said ok…pant pant… So we go forward with that…find a nice house…all is well…my house sells in 2 weeks…ready to do the deal and he wants to back out…ended up that I had to agree to buy him out if something went wrong in the relationship…I can’t believe the push me pull me stuff…so we move and he goes to work…lives here maybe a month…

Now, as his role in my life as my therapist, because he is a recovering alcoholic and I am an adult child of an alcoholic, he is playing my sponsor this whole time. I believe in the metaphysical and he did to. At least let me say he could talk the talk. So I share with him what I had learned about myself and how I had used sex in the past to get love. My low self esteem felt that is all I had. I tell him this with the most sincere and open admission I had ever made regarding the issue.

So what does he do, he introduces me to the nudist lifestyle. And I went for it!!??? Now in my defense, I did go into it with a monogamous mindset, and he assured me that it was not about sex. We went a few times and actually had fun. He then introduced me to this couple who also wanted to participate. They went with us one weekend and loved it…but they wanted to go the swinging route…my N said we weren’t going there or at least he respected me saying I wasn’t going there…it may sound a bit strange but I almost was using the situation as a test for myself…I became addicted to the attention even though we stayed monogamous…

I know this sounds crazy and the story is getting quite long…but I had found myself a new therapist to deal with “my issues” and him. He went with me once and promptly told me the lady talked too much. I just instinctively took it on as my sh*t and he agreed after all he was a recovered alcoholic right…and no…he didn’t drink or drug…that part was true…

The therapist had a weekend workshop which I had attended and the N stayed with my daughter. I am not sure at what point…whether it was that weekend or a day or two later…but I realized that he kept getting all these pop up windows on his computer…well…we all know what that is a sure sign of so…yes…I went snooping. What I found I could not believe…he had been masturbating while watching guys do it online…while alone in the house with my special needs daughter…my gut tells me…and I think my daughter would have told me by now…but I don’t think he ever touched her…but the whole thing was just sickening to me…I did not know what to believe or do…or what…

Then he told me was gay and/or bi sexual and that maybe we could pursue the whole swinging bi sexual thing when he returned from work in 4 months…WHAT…oh but I lost it…my need for love(?) came blaring out! The couple that had participated wanted to go and celebrate the new year at the resort…the female of that couple had already had a fling going with another guy there…so the N who is off to work says…sure go on…take the trailer…have fun and be good. I am so ashamed to say that I acted out big time…I let it go man…I got drunk and totally disrespected myself. I am still dealing with that. But it doesn’t end there…I told him what I did while he was on the ship…I told his whole family what I had done and asked them to support him because he was so devastated…I can’t believe how sick I was…I can’t believe I did that to myself. That is what I am having a hard time letting go of. I want to blame him but I know I did that to myself. He could have cared less what I did…even though he was a very good actor to his family…I guess…I don’t know who the heck he is…but they all did (and do) a very good job of loving and supporting him…he has 4 sisters and one brother…

But this began the whole shift to me being the sexless source. Even though I acted like the total whore that he wanted (and he reminded me of that on more than one occasion) he still kept coming back. Keeping arms length communication, of course I was a basket case. I did end up buying his half of the house but he agreed to not make me give him the entire amount that he added as part of the original down payment.

Nonetheless, I continued to try to find solace at the resort for a short time. I was looking for love in all the wrong places. But then began to put on weight and didn’t feel comfortable any more and besides…yes…he was still playing head games with me and leading me to believe that we could work things out…still very sick…

For years it went on (at least 4 yrs but prolonged because of his work)…he would always contact me for a ride home from the airport when returning from work. He would always contact me while he was at work. He said we just couldn’t live together. He would be with us (my kids and me) on Christmas and other holidays when not at work. He put himself in my daughter’s life, representing himself as her father at Special Olympic events and school functions. He would buy us all kinds of stuff. Or…we would go 50/50 on all kinds of stuff. By this time he was living in an RV park close to my house which he would also remind me of the fact that he always came back and stayed close by. I had bought another small RV and he took a couple trips with us. Even finally met my cousin who is like my sister (my immediate family has all passed…mom dad and sister) last summer when we took a trip to my home town for my high school reunion…

When I would ask him to define our relationship he would say we were his family. I was the only person who he talks to. I’m the only one who calls him. Bullshit!!! We are not having sex…I am not having sex…I am thinking I have a sex addiction…he told me I have a sex addiction…I do not have a sex addiction…I have not had sex in at least 4 years…

Anyway…so the relationship slowly deteriorates as he can no longer fake it…or just doesn’t want to…he is draining me down…I am not getting anything in return from this man except money…that is how he kept me hanging…spending money…giving money…he is spending less and less time and being more and more secretive…but buying me things…sending large amounts of money for birthdays…buying computers…paying to get trees cut down…all while doing things on his own…excluding me from his activities…but freely including himself in ours.

All this while though…there was an anxiety…talk about egg shells…and oh the projection. Everything was my fault. He felt like he was walking on eggshells while around me…he was afraid of MY anger…but ya know honestly…I didn’t want to fight it any more…I was just trying to accept it hoping he would come around…surely he wouldn’t leave…I mean he was so enmeshed in mine and my daughters life.

Well…let me tell you…it all hit the fan when he came home in October. I had an appointment in another town to visit a possible program for my daughter when she graduates from high school in the spring. He was on the ship and kept saying he wanted to come along so I ended up rescheduling it twice so that he would be home. The trip was a disaster. We were late leaving because he was late getting here and then messing around with his email (something that would have been inexcusable for me to do). He was such a pompous asshole. Wouldn’t help with any setting up the RV…kept saying he was taking the dog for a walk…receiving phone calls?...was just a total jerk. Finally said he wasn’t going to be hanging around much after this. He wasn’t going to be with people who didn’t like him. HUH? The appointment didn’t go well…my daughter was totally anxious and defiant…I was also very nervous and totally irritated…

So that was that…he wouldn’t talk to me…wouldn’t return calls…no texts…and believe me…I texted…I was having a nervous break down…I was so angry…I still knew his voicemail password and yes…I used it…sorry…voice messages from all kinds of women…at one point he did talk to me while he was traveling north to see his family…he said he would finally let me “hammer” on him…that time he hung up in a fit of rage after I asked him about all the voice messages from women…he didn’t even change his pass code after he knew I was able to listen…during another phone call (he would “allow” me small amounts of his time so I could let this go and let go of my turmoil as he called it) he told me “I am done with you”…how classic is that…my daughter was devastated and giving me a hard time…I was having a hard time…

Ok…so I get all the rest of his stuff out of my house…I gathered it all up and took it over to his trailer…I just showed up…and he was there...it turned out to be one of those conversations where I ended up apologizing for not trusting him and he was always there for me and it was my problem because I wanted more than he was willing to give…blah blah blah…I leave there thinking what just happened…I have been conned once again…this guy has just strung me along for years…compartmentalized me and is now dumping me and I am apologizing…I mean I know I acted out…I know I had my part…a big part but I know it and I own it and I am and will continue to work on it…ME. But not him…he won’t own anything…he told my daughter “this is all your moms fault…if she would have behaved”, he said that…am I wrong here? Is this all my stuff…did I cause this behavior?

Fast forward a few weeks…I’m still a mess…reading all about this stuff…found all kind of information on N’s…trying to let it go…trying NC…not working very well…getting madder and madder as I come out of the fog a bit…finally I know it was an excuse…one last ditch effort to get this guy to “not hate me” (he acted like he totally hated me)…he had a shirt that my daughter had given him that said Special Olympics Dad and I am sorry…after reading about these guys I just couldn’t allow him to have that shirt…so I went over there…I had also found a few last items of his which I took with me…I prepared myself for I knew there would be a good chance he would not be alone…he wasn’t of course…

The woman answered the door and I handed her the box of stuff and told her that I needed the shirt from him. She looks over and calls him honey or sweetie or some crap…damn a**bite…I tell her she should run…(I know stupid thing to say)…so he comes walking out handing me the shirt and tells me he has LUNG CANCER…I say you probably gave it to yourself…

He said…this is “OW” and I’ve known her about a month…hmmm…right around the time I was officially dumped…

I told him I was sorry he had lung cancer and I kept very calm but had to ask why he lied to me and he of course said he didn’t lie…that I should not have listened to my gut because my gut is wrong…and there is this bad energy between us…yeah…yeah…put on a new record…same stuff he said the last time just before the move…when I tried to break out from under his grip…

The woman was attractive…probably at least 15 yrs his junior…attractive in a hard sort of way…and she kept saying everything was alright…kind of mocking me…I kept my cool…it was so hard…I walked away but then I saw her mimicking running away with her long thin legs (I have short muscular legs)…well…I just had to go back…I didn’t do or say anything…I just gave them both a look and (well maybe I called him a liar) and walked away…got in my car…shot him the bird and drove off…

Again tried NC…was just devastated though…Christmas…I slipped once again…I texted him to ask if I was “allowed” to know his prognosis…he said of course call me…he was happy and cordial as long as he was telling me his whole ordeal of how they found the cancer…blah blah blah…of course we got to the OW…he said she saved him during the finding of the cancer ordeal…like an angel he said…I really did keep my cool again…I was thinking all kinds of things but I didn’t say anything…I decided a long time ago that as long as I kept my cool and didn’t act out in anger then he could not project his anger on to me…he called me a selfish c word and hung up…I called back and he actually answered…I asked him why he gets so angry with me and he said he didn’t know?

Of course that wasn’t enough…I had then talked to a friend that actually lives at one of the resorts the N and I had gone to together…the friend knew this OW…and he said that the N had never stopped going out there. Every time he was home he would go out there…always interested in the women…playing…I’m really dumb…I was surprised…I had no idea…

So I actually call him again…and he answers…why did he answer…or why did I call…cause I’m sick…anyway…he answers…I didn’t say anything about his other life…he just told me about his upcoming chemo and how he was going alone…he has a few neighbors to contact in case of emergency…he’s fine…can do it on his own…he doesn’t need me or any relationship…I would smother him…he has to keep me at arms length…blah blah blah…I wish him luck…thank him for not calling me any names…hang up…he is now 65 yrs old…

Ok…I know you guys are thinking this woman needs a sledge hammer to her head…when is she going to get this…but not yet apparently because last Tuesday on my way home from an aca meeting I drove by his trailer…it was dark so I knew I wouldn’t be seen…this would have been the 1st night of his 3 day chemo treatment…low and behold there was her truck…ok…I got it…when someone shows you who they are believe them…

What is wrong with me…I am behaving like a stalker…God help me…

So now I have thoughts like…did he do this because he knows I can’t handle watching another person die of lung cancer…like he is doing me a favor…which he is but it is like he is using his sickness as way of making himself look like he is doing some commendable thing…you know what I mean?

Was this really my fault because of my acting out? I got to get this out….

If anyone has got this far I thank you tremendously…I am really not a bad person…I am a good person that made some bad decisions…

Thanks for reading…I know its long…

rain

Jan 15 - 2AM
gingercat
gingercat's picture

You poor kid! I am so sorry

You poor kid! I am so sorry you had to go through so many years of the Narc torture. I know, because it has been 15 long years for me. Sounds like you had a big target on your back and another on your front so there was no way you were going to be spared from this psychopath. Why is it that so many of my friends who have been tricked by these guys have vulnerabilities like a special needs child or recent loss of a loved one, etc? You were innocent prey and he stalked you even though I know you think you are stalking him and you can not see it that way just yet. It was your goodness and open mind that he wanted to destroy and if you are like me you do not know what the H*** happened to the person you used to be! Stay on this site and read and ask for help. I have been trying so hard to heal and had to dive back into my safety zone on this website just tonight because the Psycopath N that I have been slowly working myself free of managed to screw me over yet again. I am penniless, homeless and down to one friend who is helping my son and myself try and get on our feet. Just found out the N keeps a separate bank account hidden from me and I had bought all of his BS that he was unemployed and trying so hard to find work! Makes me want to puke. Try very, very hard to go NC. You are not responsible for his care or how he deals with his own illness. Take care of yourself and your daughter instead.
Jan 14 - 4PM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

rainalaw

Oh my! You traveled down the wrong path, unfortunately you were blind to the truth. Not your fault. This guy is a manipulating POS. You are not crazy. You are just experiencing and processing the residue of an unhealthy relationship and it's painful and confusing. The fact you are here is such a positive indicator that you have not given up on yourself and are ready to take back control of your life. Read all that you can to better understand how this man managed to get you to compromise your morals. Continue to post here what you are feeling and ask any question you need answered. Everyone here will benefit. I'm sorry you are in a place of such confusion, but with time and hard work you will come out of the fog. xxx, Ruby