Black Pearl's Story

Thought he was "The one" after everything he did why do i still miss him?

Im from a small country, and am usually a very happy person,I love to help people, i love to give, i am calm, patient open, honest, kind, loyal, i have always had a healthy dose of self confidence, i love to interact with people............ but all this started to change when i started a relationship with a man who is 10 years older than me and lives in America, we had met in 2010 when I went to America for three months.

Ill try to keep it as short and simple as I can-

We started talking on facebook and we really hit it off we started messaging each other every day, we never missed a day, we also skyped every weekend and he managed to persuade me around to coming back to America in 2011 where we could start a relationship so that's what i did came back to America, we talked every day and skyped every week for 6 months and then we worked together in America for 3 months and i stayed an extra month and we holidayed in the USA together we were with each other 24/7, then i came back to my home country and we skyped and messaged every day, we would spend hours on skype and it wasn't untill one night that all darkness was brought to light............. well when it finally hit me in the head after months of minimizing it.

There were signs early on in the relationship that rang alarm bells but i just pushed them aside because i wanted to help him work through them but as time went on it was me doing all the work constantly trying to please him because he would get upset or angry at me when i would be hanging out with other people or with mates of the opposite sex even though i told him they were like brothers to me, he would always complain if a guy was looking at me of if a waiter was to take our order and the waiter was especially nice to me it would get his back up or if a store person would talk to me he wouldn't like it it was as if when we went out i had to look at the ground or at him because i would be giving off signals that invite men over which was not the case but was the case in his head, he has real trust issues and low self confidence he doesn't think much of him self and is constantly putting himself down or doesn't think anything he dose is good enough, He told me he was in a relationship that cut him deep and has taken 10years to get over, he had been down and depressed ever since and said it is only since he has been with me that he actually feels happy in his life............ that i helped him to break free of his past hurt. and i was really happy for him to see him smile every day to help him overcome the pain to look ford, and to accept love.

But not fully............ i thought i had helped him, but he has lost hes power to trust to be loved, he is forever expecting me to play him or to cheat on him because he knows so many others who have done this and that really hurt my feelings because i am a person of high integrity and that is the lowest of low and you just don't do that if you love someone and i would never in my life do that, but in his eyes he was waiting for me to he would go searching for a sign, and if there was nothing there he would make up a scenario that wasn't true and he would really believe it and i had to do everything in my power to prove to him that it wasn't true, he thought i was mucking around on him with a male friend who was like a brother to me and he would hit the roof when ever he saw us talking, he searched my facebook private messages to seek out if I was talking to any other guys, i felt  like i was walking on egg shells all the time. i am constantly trying to defend myself and prove my love for him and i would do anything to show him that i love him because i do and i just wished that he saw it.......... from not talking to people to spending all my time with him, not seeing my friends and family, not doing the things i loved i could feel myself slowly slipping away being stripped of everything i was, everything that made me, me, and i started to feel my self confidence going my self esteem getting lower and lower  because all i wanted to do was please him and show him in every way i could that i love him, i gave up drinking, spent all my time with him even when i came home in my home country he was very demanding of my time wanted to be on skype with me 24/7 wanted to know my every move, every detail, my every thought and would get angry if i didn't tell him something, he was obsessed with my past relationship, my first boyfriend he hated him and was fixed on knowing every detail about our relationship and always wanted to one up him. He was no longer a part of my life so I didnt see the point of him making my past relationship a part of his life and when I told him this he would hit the roof and treat me as if I was a bad person for having a relationship with someone other than him.

He just become very manipulating, and controlling very quickly, everything was just so great he was everything I could have ever wanted, he was so sweet, and then next minute he would just flip over something so minor, it would actualy be something that he saw as being extreamly huge and it was'nt even anything because he just made it up and thought up a whole lot of crap in his own head, he would literally make up senarios of things I had done but in fact I actually hadent. he doesn't trust and has some really big insecurities that he has never over come and dumping on me, he is trying to control me to where he is the only one in my life, he is slowly breaking me down mentally and has been breaking down my self esteem to the point where he has become obsessive and possessive the signs were there but i pushed them aside because i really wanted to help him through everything.

He was planning on coming to live in my country but he soon turned that around for me to come and live in the US trying to manipulate situations so in the end i would do what he wanted.............and i did because i loved him.

The turning point for me was that night when he kept pounding me for intimate details in my last relationship and i would never tell him because i felt that those were personal and none of his business and he would always get really mad and try to make me feel bad when i wouldn't tell him............ and it worked i felt bad he would say i thought we had a open and honest relationship where we share everything......... where not like everybody else we talk about things that people say your not suppose to. he wold always try to find out all the details and i didn't give them to him he tried a different tactic, he came up with he thinks he may have a STD and HIV  and i was the only person he has been with and he was my second.  he pounded me for hours on skype and got into my head that i had given him something and i was 100% sure i didn't and i was blown away that he told me he may have HIV from me! :0 and when I asked him where is this HIV thig coming from? I had no idea at all where the hell that was coming from because I sure as hell dont have a STD or HIV.... it was crazy................... so he got all the intimate details form me and he hit the roof and told me how much of a bad person i was, and that he wasn't sure if we could be together anymore he verbally vomited on me for hours he took me to a place you should never take somebody he made me feel so low, so worthless, so bad, he made up all these scenarios that weren't true  and i was trying to defend myself and he just keep throwing more things at me i was going crazy............ and that is exactly what he did he went seeking for hidden secrets he was expecting me to tell him that i had cheated that is what he was searching for, if it isn't there he will go and pull it in he will make it happen he just attracts and creates negative thoughts and believes them...... and makes me question my self to where I am questioning myself, as to thinking everything is my fault and that I may have had a STD or HIV so I got tested....... rusults came back clear which I already knew but he made me think otherwise.

He said a lot of mean hurtful things and would yell over the top of me when i was trying to explain and defend my self, twisting my words, saying i said things i never said and when i confronted him about it he changed the subject just trying to mess my head up and it worked i felt like i was going crazy literally i couldn't take it i broke down and i felt so low and so worthless that i didn't want to be alive any more and that is not me, he just got into my head and has my heart i love him so much, the thought of loosing him ripped my heart out i just lost it, and while i was crying i looked up and he had n emotion he was cold and that was something very different he didn't care that he had broke me down basically begging apologizing for not telling him all the details and leaving details out about my past intimate relationship.... but that's it he got what he wanted................. he got all the details.

He said he needed a few days to think about it and he will get back to me, he changed his profile picture to a single picture of himself when it was one of the both of us together then he deactivated his face book account and that's how we were keeping contact. its not until my mum came to pick up the pieces that i saw the light every time we had a fight it was because of one of his insecurities and i always felt like it was my fault and i would do everything i could to fix it when really it was something he had a problem with but i always thought it was my fault.

He kept messaging me and i didn't reply because i was still trying to wipe the verbal vomit off me that he so easily poured all over me for hours, i stood outside the box and really took a good look at our relationship and saw that what my gut feeling was telling me all those times was right  and that it had led to this, i was being manipulated as my mum likes to say he was grooming me.
As the days passed and i still didn't reply he started to message more and it started to get ugly a real nasty streak came out a bit of a stalker side came out to, he called me about 20 times in a few hours left 5 voice mails, i woke up to 55 facebook messages, and he text my cell phone about 5 times off two different numbers it started to get a bit scary, he then threatened to put some pictures of me up on facebook that i would rather not have on there just to get me to reply. after having few days to really reflect on my relationship and seeking help i had to make a decision to carry on or leave the relationship i know what i wanted to do and what i needed to do and they were two different things, i love him so much........ so very much. and i knew that what i needed to do was to protect myself, my mind my heart my mental well being because i could feel myself just getting down, not having a life of my own and my life revolving around the man I love and it pains me to be with out him but i made the choice to end the relationship.

He replied and was very nice, then he wrote about 10 more and they were getting nasty, then he tried to come across like he was looking out for me, giving me advice, wishing me well, then blaming me, then he said some really hurtful stuff. and got nasty, things that I had told him in confidence things that you dont just tell anyone and he threw them back in my face. There is a line you dont cross with people and he crossed that line so many damn times the thigs he said he can never take back, he then tried to blame his out burst on his friends instructing him on what to say when infact it wasnt on one occasion it has now been two months and hes still going so no I dont accept that excuse.

I didn't reply to them because he started to get ugly, a side that i have only seen a few snippets of. i deleted him as a friend on facebook because i know that he is just going to be stalking my every move because he already dose that. Then he keept messaging me so I had to block him then he made another account but would message me then de activate it so I couldnt block him but one day he messaged me and I was online at the same time so I blocked him, And he got really mad, and is pretty much blaming me for everything, saying that i played him, and that i am selfish, and i only care about my self, and that i never loved him, and i hurt him way more than he hurt me, and just a whole lot of nasty things, and those things really hurt me, because i would never play with any ones emotions, i only ever thought about him i love him like crazy i am very much family orientated and i was willing to move country's to be with him, hes now moved to blaming my friends and family now he really has it in for my mum saying its all her fault she dosent want me to be happy. But really he just needs to take a good look at himself.

He ment so damn much to me, I truly thought that I had found the one, and the things he say really get to me because they are not true and he really believes that they are, he thinks it was easy for me to break up............. it wasn't it was one of the hardest things i ever had to do and i still really want to be with him, i still love him and i miss him so much we had so many great memories together. he made me so happy i just get really sad at what could have been, and the way it has turned out i still love him and care for him very much and it is hard to go form being with each other every day to nothing.

He still contacts me and I use to read all his e mails and text messages and they really got to me he was still mentally and emotionally punishing me althought I wasnt replying and he didnt know if I was reading them I was and it was just another punch to my heart everytime I read his messages, but I have started this year fresh and free of his vomit and I have not read one of his messages.......... even the two I received today which titled { I guss you were right about me} and { Thank you for helping identify my problem}...... probably just a trick to get me to read them then its all that verbal vomit he loves to pour on me..... but either way I have not and will not read it.

I know it will take time..... and I know that I have made the right choice for my own well being......... and reading other peoples stories I can see myself in there and also a lot of my ex boyfriend and it just helps to reasure me that I am not alone that the things I was minimizing were things my gut feeling was telling me wasn't right that infact there are woman out there who have gone through the exact same situation and I just think wow! There are a lot of powerful woman out there ones that have been in a relationship for many years and in some cases even had children to the Narcissist........ I know that I am one of the lucky ones to get out at an early stage, and all the other strong woman out there that get the courage to leave inspire me to know that there is hope to move ford! With the knowllage and power we share with each other will help us all to get throught our hard times!

To educate myself on this topic I certainly am, and cannot wait to read your book im just waiting for it to arrive in the post =)