garudaheart's story

Almost Four Years... and devastated

Thank you... thank you all and God bless you all.

I tried reading some of the stories and I find myself hyperventilating and my chest tightens up which scares me because I think it means I've disassociated from a lot of suffering I've experienced.

I managed to date a narcissistic man for almost four years living with him for a good part of those years. I knew two years in that he had a NPD disorder but I kept slogging on. I guess I'm angry at myself -- why didn't I get out early on when I first saw the signs of his maladjusted personality. Why did I watch him do terrible things to me and others and continue loving him?

I pride myself on being a very strong person and I'm not sure how I got into this emotional mess. For one thing, I was married to a wonderful, kind, giving, man for 20 years and when that marriage ended he and I remained friends. I know how a good relationship should be and I know how I should be treated so why did I stay so long?

I'll call my NPD torturer Ron. Ron has hundreds of people in his life who he calls friends but few that are very close to him. Most people don't know him well enough to know how he really is; some do and they keep him at a distance/tolerate him. The ones that are very close to him are his narc suppliers... the closest ones are all damaged in some way and inferior to him and they put him on an unhealthy pedestal. Of course, he isolated me so these people all became my friends -- his world became my world and now I am completely alone with few relationships left in my life to count on.

His friends and the people we know do not know how much I've suffered and how horribly he treated me... I want people to know how he really is but I'm afraid to speak my truth. I'm afraid of him.

I met Ron a few years after my marriage ended and was swept off my feet by his charm. I was working in a friend's gift shop as a favor one day. As I was opening up the store, a man (Ron) came in with a smile on his face and told me that I reminded him of Ellen Barkin and that she was his favorite actress. He asked me if I was single and would I like to have dinner. I had seen him around town a lot and was really taken in by how poised he was. He gave me his number and said if I was interested to call him. I ended up texting him saying yes to dinner.

He said outrageous things to me at our dinner -- like he would support me so I wouldn't have to work; he is retired and day trades to keep himself wealthy. Well, I was a new nurse and felt nursing was my calling so I told him I planned to work for a long time and no way would I let anyone support me. I remember thinking he was a little crazy. He bragged about his sailboat, he drove a porsche, raced motorcycles...took me to a pricey french restaurant. I found him unreal at the get go... He drove like a maniac... total risk taker and thrill seeker. He pulled his family tree out on one of our early dates -- his mother was old English and he had a family tree showing his family line all the way back to William the Conqueror; his ancestor was the first colonial governor... Big deal, right; for him huge. It meant nothing in reality.

He sent me messages early on from friends he had met on a trip to France inviting him to lawn parties at Buckingham palace and would type things like "want to go"? This was all bullshit and an act. Yes he was invited but was it anything special; not as much as he liked to portray it. I didn't take these things seriously. He and I had great physical chemistry and had some similar likes so that's really why I started seeing him as much as I did.

It didn't take long to realize he was the cheapest person in the world... a moocher who had millions but would still ask me to pay for half my share of pizza and a movie. Although he has said he would "support me" at that first dinner, when I asked him to help me out and pay a little extra toward a vacation we were taking he said to me "are you a whore?" he said that a lot anytime he wanted to defend why it was okay for him to take from me when I had little or expect me to pay for something I couldn't afford in to keep up with his lifestyle.

He spent tons of money on himself, however.... but always complained about money. He bought expensive clocks and watches in excess when he didn't need them but would tell me he was on a budget and couldn't take me to dinner. That was convenient as he insisted that I buy all the groceries for the house since I spent a lot of time at his place instead of my own.

He had no manners -- never offered to help with anything, expected me to cook and clean up after him even though I worked and he didn't.

He really laid it on thick in the beginning. He said I love you far too soon which is funny because he stopped saying it fairly early on and only could say "I DO love you" in a very questioning way as if he was surprised by it or as if he was defending why he wanted me in his life. But plain old "I love you" ended very quickly.

I like to look into my lover's eyes because I feel it deepens the connection and he hated doing that...didn't do it. He wasn't a bad lover and our sex life was good (the only good thing) because I have a high sex drive but as high as my sex drive is I couldn't match him. I feel like for him that sex is the closest he can come to feeling and that's why he needs it so much.

So many people warned me about him too and I ignored it. I live in a somewhat small town and he thinks of himself as king of crowd of people who hang out at local places. We would go to art gallery openings, lots of parties, he always had to be out socializing and schmoozing people -- he could talk to anyone anywhere. But early on at parties or when we would meet people he knew even his own family and some older close friends who weren't around that much, they would literally ask me "why are you with him?" "You're so nice" "You're too good for him" or "don't trust him". Why didn't I listen??

Ron is a true narcissist; Ron had zero empathy and had to be the center of attention always! I have never met a more negative person; a more judgmental person. I have never met anyone with so little feeling towards other people's suffering. All those close narcissistic supplier friends were fodder for his negativity; he could spend a night laughing and having fun with them and as soon as they were gone tear them to shreds. He tore everyone to shreds; always had a negative comment about everyone. And if he was at all threatened by the other person's goodness or success, well then, they were vilified at the highest level.

The only time he was positive about people was when there was a woman he liked or found intriguing or a man who could do something for him... and then that person could do no wrong until he was done with them and then they joined the rest of the ranks of inferiors.

He was controlling to a fault, critical on a continuous basis and about the most ridiculous things. I could do everything right and he would find some fault. He was always telling me how I could improve myself whether the advise was warranted or not.

If I didn't move fast enough for him he would throw a fit and attack me verbally. If I didn't answer him fast enough, the same thing...he would freak out at me and berate me until I begged him to stop. I started finding myself making mental notes of how not to upset him.

He could not tolerate anything different from his own likes and dislikes. I don't eat a lot of sugar and he is a sugar addict. For years, he insisted I eat what he eats for breakfast; biscotti with a cup of coffee. Even after years of telling him I can't eat like that, he continued to insist that I do. He hated that I liked coffee and would drink more than one cup and would devote a ton of time telling me how bad it was for me. He would go on and on and no matter how often I showed him studies to the contrary, he insisted it was bad.

Ron was 20 years my senior. He and his wife separated 14 years before I met him but were still married. They barely talk even though they have two kids together; they are tolerant of each other. His children never came around but once or twice a year; both are older. They are cordial to each other; he helps them out when they need something and they make the occasional phone call but overall there is no warmth or love evident -- though he does say I love you to them. His daughter is very bright and has achieved a lot but his son stutters. I feel so sorry for him because I know his father's critical, over-bearing, controlling nature is the root of his stuttering.

After his wife, Ron dated serially -- going through dozens and dozens of women. When I met him he was stringing along four other women but devoting his attention to me. I soon realized that a life with him met a life with a posse of women who he had to keep around to feed his ego needs....more narc supply. And his jealousy was outrageous. I couldn't even mention my male friends names yet he insisted on having women friends who could just stop by when I wasn't around or who he could meet up with when I was busy or do things with behind my back.

Anyone woman he wasn't that close with after dating he vilified -- "she was crazy", "she was jealous", or "she wouldn't obey" were things he said about them and would say these things in public and laugh with his sycophant friends about those poor women. He joked publicly on many occasions about ex-girlfriends bodies or personality flaws.

He pursued women behind my back constantly... there were so many but whenever I got upset about it, he told me that he would never fuck anyone behind my back and that I had to trust him -- if I didn't trust him then I was messed up and not him. that didn't stop him from taking one of the many ex-girlfriends who did stick around after the breakup to lunch and then came home and admitted he let her give him a blow job and told me he felt guilty about it and that's why he had to tell me. when I was angry about it, despite his supposed guilt, he defended it. He made a pass at one of "our" closest friends; he walked her to her car and tried to kiss her and grab her breasts -- was watching out the window and saw it. I confronted him as soon as he got in the house and he denied and said I was crazy... that kind of stuff happened all the time and I was crazy enough to use it as a means of being less possessive and less jealous (?)! I know... I'm shaking my head. I allowed a lot.

I caught him in so many lies... he was a master of recreating reality to suit his needs. There were times I thought I was going crazy because he could so easily forget something he said or did; or deny something he said or did. It would make me wonder if I wasn't the one with the problem.

He would belittle me in front of others, especially other women; he would call me cunt or bitch privately over the smallest issue. He would physically fondle other women in front of me. What shocks me to this day is how many let him! What is wrong with these women -- have they no heart?? I could never do that and I would wonder how little they thought of me to allow him to behave as he did but these women are clearly as fucked up as I must be.

He was physically abusive to me on a few occasions but that stopped. I think because he had choked me when one of his ex girlfriends was staying at our house and she heard me crying; he was drunk when he did it and I think he lost so much face that he decided never to go down that road again.

I left him countless times over his treatment of me and we would always end up back together. He would feign interest in counseling or act as if he was sorry but then after a few days all the same things would begin again.

I can't possibly touch on all the horrible, painful, things he did to me. I know I've blocked a lot of them. and some sick part of me wishes I could be with him.

I started moving away from him a few months ago after selling my home. I could have moved in with him permanently but instead I got my own apartment. I put my foot down about other women and the double standard. I told him I couldn't live with his anger or negativity anymore. I broke up with him right before Christmas and spent a very sad Christmas with my family, my birthday was horrible and mostly alone and then new years eve and day completely alone. His friends were my friends and I can't be around them because he is always there. He kept texting me and trying to get me back. I asked him to leave me alone and he said he would but then on my birthday he started in with me again. He kept insisting he had changed and understood all the things that I couldn't tolerate anymore but as soon as I brought up one sore subject he would turn it around and attack me; act as if I was crazy for feeling how I felt. I was so alone and sad over New Year's Eve and day. I wrote him an angry letter the next day to which he responded that he missed me and was so sad too. He talked me into seeing him. I did and we had sex and decided to try again.

Two days later he did something to upset me when I was supposed to spend the night at his house so rather than get mad about it, I told him I was going to go back to my place to sleep. The next day he sent me a note saying he was done with me because of my drama and that he wasn't going to let me trash his heart anymore. I didn't do anything dramatic at all; our pact had been to work things out and now he was dumping me over nothing and that's when I realized that it was all a game to him to save face because he cant stand not being in control; couldn't stand that I had broken up with him initially and it was his way of crushing me and taking power back. He wouldn't talk to me or discuss it; completely shut me out. Destroyed me...

He has done this to me so many times and then come running back because he can't let go of any girlfriend (until they age and get old looking or gain too much weight). I don't want to go back. I want to be free. I don't want to be filled with so much hate and so much pain. I don't want to feel so alone and so lost.

Mainly reading this over I'm ashamed.

I can't believe I have to go on living in the same area with so many mutual acquaintances to run into. There was a party tonight that I was invited to and I can't go because he is there. I'm so isolated. I know he is telling everyone lies about me; I know he is trashing me. And how would they know the truth because although they know he is difficult and know he is a womanizer, they don't know how bad he really was and is. They don't know the half of it.

He never could compliment me or see any good in me; people would compliment me all the time or tell him how lucky he was and he would shrug it off and rarely agree...

Who am I? I'm a nurse. I work for Hospice. I help facilitate a peaceful death for patients and families that are suffering. I am a Buddhist practitioner, I hold compassion close to my heart. I allowed him to trash me, trash my values, laugh at me and my values and I kept loving him and going back for more. I have wasted four years of my life trying to please him and have become a lesser person. My own empathy and compassion has suffered; my ability to do my job in a loving way has suffered. I hate him so much right now and I know that's not going to help me be happy or move on.

I wish I could find a therapist who specialized in victims of NPD. I was seeing a decent therapist but she couldn't help me because she really doesn't know what I've been through. I tell her but I need someone who knows how brainwashed I was.

My family is sympathetic but they don't know all the abuse. I've hidden a lot of it because I'm ashamed...

Thank you for listening... May we all be free of what we've suffered and may we all attract into our lives true love in whatever form we need to heal.