chelsea's story

Still Reeling....

Thank you all for sharing your stories-- they have helped me a lot in terms of understanding what I went through and what I could have gone through if I hadn't been "lucky" enough to have been discarded as quickly as I was. My story is only based on 3 1/2 months of dating my ex but I am pretty convinced that he is a textbook case of NPD. In the short period of time that we were together, I feel like my head has been completely disoriented and I just wanted to share/purge some of the things I experienced in the hopes that someone can give me some feedback or help me to understand this a little bit better. Like many of the stories here, he treated me really well in the first month of knowing him, and I’m leaving out a lot of the charming parts because I am focusing on the stranger, scarier parts that happened all too frequently. I felt like he was two different people almost from the very beginning. The warning signs were all there, and I was aware, but chose to ignore...

In the first month:

-- I met him at a night club and he was super attractive with a perfect body and very charming. Although I wasn’t looking for a relationship, and I am not usually the type who goes for one night stands, he got me to go home with him after a few hours of talking to him.
-- When we got back to his place, he told me that he didn’t like one night stands and was hoping for something more. I told him I didn’t believe him being that he had just taken me home, but he insisted that this was not the norm for him—he really liked me and hoped for a relationship (already a red flag, but we had both had a lot to drink, so I didn’t really take his words at face value). Then, while we were having sex, he pulled out before it was over saying that he wanted to stop. He didn’t want to make it feel like a one night stand, and didn’t want to finish the job.
-- He called me the very next day and asked to meet up. He came to my neighborhood and wanted to talk over (non-alcoholic) drinks and get to know each other better. He was already telling me he had high hopes that I was “the one” and that he really wanted to settle down and have children.
-- He told me he loved me and wanted me to move in with him all within the first two weeks of knowing him (I didn’t move in with him but he gave me his keys).
-- He started telling me about an older male “friend” who used to be his teacher. He said sometimes he would go over to his place, spend the night, and in return the man gives him money, name brand clothing, presents, etc. When I asked about sexual favors, he said there was nothing like that but that he slept in the same bed with the man when he went over. (What?!)
-- He was obsessed with name brand clothing, and expensive items. Always asked me how he looked, always was buying expensive presents for himself and wanting me to tell him how good he looked in his outfits.
-- He works in the entertainment field behind the scenes—he was always telling me about how the models/actresses he met would always tell him that he should be a model and not a behind-the-scenes worker. He loved to tell me about all the girls who fawned over him.
-- I am a vegetarian. During the first month we were together, he was super attentive to learning about what I liked to eat. He would also only eat vegetarian food with me even though I told him he could eat meat. He insisted that he wanted to eat what I wanted to eat. He was great at learning my likes and dislikes (which he seemed to forget later on), but when I would ask him about his favorite things, he would always say he had no preference. As soon as the devaluation phase began, he started eating meat in front of me and ‘forgot’ a lot of the foods that were my favorites.
-- He talked incessantly about his mother and how great their relationship is and how wonderful she is (more on that later). When he and I went out shopping together, he wanted us to be just like his mom and dad were—he said that his mom would pick the items of food and his dad would push the cart, so he wanted us to do that too.

Month 2:
-- He started to joke A LOT about having other girlfriends. When I would ask him if he was serious, he would always reply, “How could I ever cheat on you?” but then a few minutes later he’d be back to telling me about his ‘other girlfriends’.
-- He would make lots of little critical comments directed at my physical appearance, which I know were not true. For example, after getting my hair highlighted, I told him I wasn’t sure if I liked it. He said it was ‘okay’ and then a few minutes later, started examining my scalp and saying it looked ‘unhealthy’. After telling him I wanted to watch what I was eating to lose a few pounds (I am not overweight—I wear a size 6), he would often call me fat or ‘fatty’, yet constantly bring home fattening food for me to eat. He would get annoyed if I didn’t eat it all, saying that I was wasteful or unappreciative. He started telling me that I am not as pretty as the girls he meets at work—sometimes he would say I was pretty and then say I was ugly all within 1 minute. He told me that my teeth are too yellow. He was never happy with my choice of clothes or accessories (I don’t wear name brand things).
-- He would often show up at my apartment door (INSIDE my building, which means he had to wait outside for someone to walk in or out and get him in the front door) without warning, seemingly to check up on me. When I told him he should call first, he said, “I don’t want to”. He would also sometimes show up at places when I was out after specifically telling me he was unable to come. Then he’d ask me, “Are you happy I came to see you?”
-- About 90% of the time he’d ask every day, “Do you miss me?” rather than saying, “I miss you”.
-- For the first month and a half, the sex was amazing, but after a while he started being really creepy—he would be too rough with my breasts and when I told him to be more gentle, he’d say “I don’t want to”. If I told him I was in pain, he would look amused by it. He often made inappropriate comments about my breasts as well, telling me they were too big. Sometimes, while watching tv together in bed, he would out of nowhere just grab my breast and squeeze it hard, enjoying my reaction. After sex, he would ALWAYS either revert to strange childlike behavior or mention his mother. He even said things like (jokingly?), “I am going to tell my mom that you bully me—you force me to have sex with you and make me tired.”
-- He would make random nonsense comments out of the blue. I never once complained or yelled at him, but we would be watching tv in silence and suddenly he’d say, “Stop your nagging—you complain too much!” I would give him a dumbfounded look and he’d say, “Just kidding” but then say it again a few minutes later.
-- In the second month he practically stopped communicating with me altogether. When I went to his place, he’d focus only on the tv, usually very graphic horror movies.
-- He used to text me every day, but started to only call me once when he got off of work to tell me whether I should come over or not. He stopped answering back to my texts as well. However, he’d always ask me if I missed him and then tell me he missed me too, even though he was ignoring all of the communication that wasn’t initiated by him.
-- He totally stopped being interested in anything I had to say that wasn’t related to him. He also started hanging up on me when I was in mid-sentence. HE would call ME to see what I was up to, and as I was answering he’d say, “Sorry. I’m busy—gotta go. Call you later.” He wouldn’t call later. This started happening almost every day.
-- He took me on vacation/to meet his parents and when I got to his parents’ house, they seemed cold and unwelcoming. The wonderful mother that he had always told me about was about as far from what I saw as possible. There is no way that the woman he described to me and the woman that I met could be the same person—I was really shocked. She spent the whole time we were there yelling at him and even declined a small gift that he brought for her, saying she didn’t want it.

Month 3:
-- As soon as we got back from this vacation, which I thought (aside from meeting the parents) was a really good time, he started to disappear from me more and more. He stopped calling me some days, and if I went out with my friends while he was at work, he would seem passive aggressive and jealous. One time, I went to a club with my girl friends. Beforehand I invited him, but he often works late and couldn’t go. He told me to go and have fun. But that night, he didn’t call me (he used to always call if I went out to check on me and tell me to text him when I got home safely). When I confronted him and said I was hurt that he didn’t call or respond to the texts I sent him, he said that he was the one who should be hurt because I was out having fun while he was at work.
-- He completely stopped having sex with me. However, he would purposely tease me by walking around naked, caressing me, saying things that implied he wanted sex. But then as soon as I would make a move, he would immediately stop, saying he was too tired or that his stomach hurt. Then he would roll over and go to sleep. When I confronted him about how I needed some physical affection, he seemed a bit too sadistically happy about it. He almost was gloating. The next morning after confronting him, he ‘accidentally’ left a whole bunch of porn sites open on his computer.
-- He started ‘working extra late’ and having days go by without any communication with me. Then when he would finally get in touch with me he would say, “I was busy with 5 other girls—just kidding”.
-- On Christmas, he tried on about 6 different name brand, really expensive articles of clothing for me to admire (that he bought for himself as Christmas presents) but didn’t do a thing for me and didn’t even say Merry Christmas. He told me that the new jacket I had recently gotten would look better on him than it did on me and that I should give it to him.
-- He would frequently ‘joke’ about me raising him and providing for him in the future after we got married so that he could quit his job and live on my money (not that I have money to do that with).
-- He became increasingly cold and critical, barely contacted me between Christmas and New Year’s Eve and then left before New Year’s Eve for a trip and didn’t even tell me. When I found out, I asked him why he didn’t tell me and he said that he had been busy and that ‘a former classmate’ had been living at his place for the last few days. I told him (while he was away) that I wanted to use his keys and get some of my stuff from his place. When I got to his place, I found that my toothbrush (which was always next to his in a cup on the bathroom sink) had been hidden in a cabinet under his surplus supply of toilet paper. Also, being that he is a neat freak, all of his clothes are perfectly folded in his closet. I found mine in a different place from usual, crumpled up into a ball and stuffed in a corner (passive aggressive?).

It was then that I left his keys on his desk and left with all of my things. I was convinced he was cheating on me/had no intention of speaking with me. However, on New Year’s Eve (he still didn’t know about my leaving his keys at his place) he called at midnight to say happy New Year (and again hung up on me while I was in mid-sentence saying that he was busy). After that I haven’t heard from him and I don’t know whether or not I will. I am so disgusted by his behaviors in just a short 3 and a half months, but I am also still thinking about him and don’t know why! Maybe it’s because I know I was used and my ego is hurting, or I’m fascinated with analyzing him. Perhaps I miss that first month when he was charming me (even though it didn’t last long). But I am definitely trying to figure out what happened. If anyone can relate to any of these things or provide any insight, I’d be really interested to hear about it. Thanks again!