Marigold's story (from which I'm still trying to heal"

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#1 Dec 19 - 2PM
marigold
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Marigold's story (from which I'm still trying to heal"

I met him after finally healing from a long term relationship that ended. I was out with people I work with and he was there because he’s friends with one of my coworkers. I really wasn’t interested in him that night. I thought he was nice but a little too loud for me. We flirted a little but I didn’t think anything would come of it. A couple of weeks later I started getting messages on facebook about us all getting together again. I thought he was interested but I still didn’t see us together. After a few more flirtatious messages I started to get interested. We all met for drinks again. We talked a little, he made sure he sat by me and made sure we all had plans to have a party at my friends’ house that Saturday. He sent me a message about getting together that Friday night before the party but I said “no”. I already had plans with a friend and I didn’t want to seem too eager. We talked a lot at the party. We even stayed outside talking on my friends’ patio long after they went to bed. We made plans to get together at his house the following Wednesday. He even sent a message the next morning to say he had a good time talking to me that night. I still wasn’t sure I was attracted to him and almost cancelled, but decided to go anyway. When I got there he was so nice and attentive. He told me so many things about him and his past. He told me how he wasn’t into playing games and understood that at our age everyone came with baggage. I was starting to be really impressed with him. He told me about being engaged a few years ago and calling it off a few weeks before the wedding. I was concerned about this but I was so impressed with his honesty that I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. He said he called it off because of a gut feeling. He said he always goes with his gut feeling. (Could that mean he calls it off when the person is no longer a good supply for his ego?) And he was married for several years and has two kids. He said he and his ex-wife just fell out of love. (???) But he was so wonderful that night and for several weeks after that I thought he must be a good and honest person. He sent me messages all of the time to let me know he was thinking about me. He would make plans for the next date before the one we were on was even over. He told me he missed me when I wasn’t around, that I made him happy, and made references to us being together in the future. I was starting to fall for him. I thought “This is it. I’m done looking”. The one thing that bothered him was when he talked about women being crazy (according to him I wasn’t crazy). I was concerned when I learned that by crazy he meant emotional. I was afraid I’d disappoint him at some point because I have my emotional moments too.
Then everything started to go downhill. We went out to a bar where he’s spent a lot of time and has a lot of friends (as in knows EVERYONE there). I was already a little nervous about meeting his friends because I’m shy. There was an incident and I snapped at him about ignoring me. I regretted it as soon as I said it. It was wrong of me and very unlike me and I told him this and apologized but it didn’t seem to matter. His attitude towards me changed after that. I was never able to relax again. I felt like I had to keep apologizing about it and was afraid if I was negative about anything he would think less of me (should have been a red flag, huh?). Even though he said everything was OK I could tell it wasn’t. He stopped saying all of the nice things and making plans in advance. If he’d cared as much as he appeared to at first we should have been able to work through it. And I did start to notice that when we went out he was very socially aggressive. Got in people faces and had to be right.
After a couple of months (with me suddenly getting in the way of things in his life where it had never been a problem before. I had always been respectful of his obligations.) I knew it was over. We would have one good day and then he’d be cold and distant. The last night I saw him I’d had enough of the guessing games. I asked him what was going on with us. He said he liked spending time with me but could go a month without seeing me and be OK and not miss me. (OUCH!!!) I got emotional and cried (of course) and he told me he didn’t need that kind of drama in his life. Because of ONE NIGHT! And after he had said something hurtful to me! He also said that at the beginning of the relationship he just wanted to see how thing went between us. This is from someone who was telling me he missed me after the first date and calling me from his vacation at the beach with his sons the weekend after the first date to talk to me and make sure we had a date the day after he got back in town. I tried to pretend it would be OK for a couple of days, but finally had to admit it was over. It was done over text message. I wanted to get together and give him a couple of his things back but he said not to worry about it. I was hoping I could say a few things to him in person and get closure but I didn’t get to. I sent him a letter (to get a few things out in the open) but he didn’t seem to get what I was saying. I’ve read and heard that one of the characteristics of narcissism is a lack of empathy. I got plenty of that. (The lack of it that is.) So now he’s out with his friends and having fun and pretending I was never part of his life. It hurts to feel like you were never really important to a person you thought really cared about you. The sad thing is that even though I don’t want him back I DESPERATELY miss the man I thought he was.
My relationship wasn’t long but it was intense and he seemed so wonderful at first. Part of me is still trying to make sense of it even thought I know there‘s no sense to be made. It’s like having emotional whiplash because things changed and went downhill over night. How can this wonderful caring person hurt me and throw me away in such a short period of time? How can he miss me and say I make him happy and a month later he wouldn’t miss me if he didn’t see me for a month. It made me feel horrible to hear that! But I’m working on healing.
I never thought about narcissism as an answer to his behavior (mainly because I didn’t know a lot about it) until a friend told me he sounded like a friend of hers who had been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. Then the therapist I was seeing told me that it sounded like he might have some narcissistic tendencies. I hadn’t told her what my friend had said. I started doing research after this and it all makes sense.
Sorry for the long story. I’m hoping it helps to share and discuss things with people who have been through similar situations.

Dec 19 - 9PM
marigold
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@fraidythecat

I did get out before the bad abuse emotional abuse started. I'm now grateful that I snapped at him that time and caused his true colors to come out because it made the relationship end earlier that it would have otherwise. I think it was someone looking out for me and getting me out of a situation that could have been a lot worse. It's amazing how charming they can be though. I was totally fooled and some of my friends still are. They still seem to think he's a great guy and a great friend. And I'm sure it's OK for them because they'll never get close enough to get hurt. But even though I know it's unreasonable of me, it bothers me that these friends (some of which were friends with me first) still think he's that wonderful. I resent his ability to make them still think he's wonderful and their inability to see how he hurt their friend!!!
Dec 19 - 4PM
fraidythecat
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Same story

Marigold, I had a very similar situation. I found my head spinning from the sudden change in temperature, too. It doesn't make sense - THEY don't make sense. I think some of them are more premeditating than others - but I think unless they are dense, they must know at some point that tears mean pain. And they should NOT put themselves on the dating market. They need to stay at home and watch tv - alone - so they don't hurt anyone else. They can't help but hurt people - they don't know any other way. I let my ex see me cry - I think he may have tried to make himself feel better, ease his guilt, by actually following through on giving me some things he had promised to give me when he moved. I never thought I'd see those things. They were things I really can use, so I broke the NC rule and actually took them. Some days they bring satisfaction to me, other days they make me cry and wonder if he was really all that bad. As I read the testimonies of so many of these other women, I keep telling myself (and this may be for you, too), how lucky I was to NOT have gone through the physical abuse, the swindling of my money, the public humiliations, the extreme things that often happen as time wears on. The building up of our ego (when we should have a good one b/c of our own self confidence already), only to tear it down (when we should let NO ONE be able to do that to us, we should KNOW our worth) - has been hard enough. I can not imagine the depth of pain some of these girls/women are going through with some of the terrible stories I've read. I miss my N, too - but not the downward spiral path things surely would have taken. I miss the energy, the fun, the laughing - but not the walking on eggshells to be sure I didn't upset the drama queen. Not the wondering if he was telling me the truth - questioning my own judgement - hell, my own body! - that stuff would eventually outweigh the good - I would have eventually gotten sick of it - b/c I was on my way to becoming a stronger woman as a result of my father and brother's N personalities. I missed them in this guy - b/c he was so funny. He made me laugh and I didn't catch the similarities of the disorder until he started showing his true ugly colors. It's ok though - we'll know next time, right? Just remember, he recognized things in your (the good stuff) that was always already there - he can't take that away. Lisa had a good comment on a blog awhile back that said, we did mean something to them - or they'd not have bothered to be with us. But they don't appreciate what we have to offer - that is why they toss us aside. They CAN'T connect; when it starts to feel good, it feels BAD to them. They are not normal like us. For whatever reason, something is cross-wired in their heads. I tell myself he is retarded to a degree. Expecting him to be able to be different would be like trying to tell a disabled person to get up and walk. Unless they feel pain, they have no need to change. Sadly, they'll end up alone a lot - b/c they use people up. My N said he knew he'd end up alone - even though we used to talk about the future. He knew in the back of his head I think that things wouldn't last. He's been divorced 20 years - there's a reason he's still single. And it's not all of the other women - it's HIM. Sorry you have to feel this pain. It is the hardest fall I've had since I was a teenage girl. But we have to remember, we ARE all of the wonderful things - and we are NOT ANY of the negative things. Those were said to protect them. ignore the words. hold you head up high. Take care of yourself. Be sweet to yourself. Daily affirmations to remind yourself of your assets and worth. They work. Love on yourself, buy flowers, bubble baths, whatever it is that makes you feel special - do it for yourself. And then EXPECT someone else to recognize you deserve to be treated specially. And don't settle for less. Not saying become materialistic, just demand the respect you deserve. peace sister. fc
Dec 19 - 4PM
marigold
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I've downloaded The Path

I've downloaded The Path Forward for the kindle and have already highlighted several passages and added notes to how it related to my experience. The hardest things for me are 1) he was able to move on and not look back 2)he can't see how bad his behavior was. I really believe that when he said he was sorry he hurt me he just want to pacify me. Also, is it possible that they don't realize what they're doint to people?
Dec 19 - 3PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Marigold

I'm sorry.. Same guy different idiot.. Yes,, in fact your story triggered me... What takes time to build is torn down in five minutes because of their sickness.. I'm very sorry... Welcome to Narcville.. Read,Read,Read.. There is a Path Forward.. Hunter
Dec 19 - 2PM
spinning
spinning's picture

Welcome, Marigold, though I am

sorry you had to land here. Sorry we all did, but glad this wonderful place of support, information, knowledge, wisdom, humor and healing exists. You are doing the right things. It is good to talk to a therapist and it is very good to GET IT OUT by sharing. It is one of the steps on The Path Forward, Lisa's book which I highly recommend. Marigold, trying to make sense of these disordered ones can be a full time—and often--futile effort. But understanding what you are dealing with and what you have been through is key to clarity. It's all about YOU now, Marigold. These freaks are destroyers. They're self-centered manipulators who care about no one but themselves. By examining how this happened to you, Marigold, you will come out of this stronger, wiser and better than before, of that I assure you. It's a process but it is worth the effort. Keep sharing, Marigold. We truly get it here and we are here to help. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. I REJECT ALL CHAOS AND CONFUSION. I REFUSE TO SPIN FOR ANY MAN, FOR ANYONE

spinning