Oh why did you have to turn out to be a nutcase? I was so excited when we met and you didn’t run from me the way so many men do. You liked that I had a mind of my own; I wasn’t a wallflower and you recognized my strengths as assets – not threats.
I laughed at your silliness and dismissed your immaturity as just enjoying life without being too serious about it. I was so happy to see you every weekend b/c I just never knew what we were going to do, but knew we’d have fun doing it.
You had all of these plans for us; things to do, places to see – together. You included me in your plans and heard my ideas – often.
Then suddenly, you started to snap at me. You became agitated at silly things that didn’t used to bother you. You said not to mind it – that you didn’t even know what was going to set you off. But your outbursts got uglier each time. Insinuating you would lock me out, drop me off and strand me or just pack my stuff and leave it outside the door. Jokes I thought – but your edgy side always had me wonder if you would do to me, what you had said you had done to others. Was it all a joke? Were you serious? I didn’t know. So the eggshell walking started. I was scared to death to say something to piss you off. I was afraid to disagree or suggest something that you wouldn’t agree with. (like whether or not I liked to eat at a certain place or not – if I did and you didn’t like it, you’d be angry and tell me I had no taste, etc.) So I became more passive than I have ever been – and that is just not me.
In the bedroom, if I touched or didn’t touch you in a certain place in a certain way – exactly at the right time – you’d get mad at me and act like a crazy man until you gave up, pulling off me and blaming your inability to finish on something you KNEW wasn’t true. Humiliating me – my body, my PERFECT f’ng body, when it was all in your head. One of them or the other - I'm still not sure what your deal was. But it wasn't me!
How could you dismantle my life – my fun, relaxing weekends? You are crazy, that I knew and found part of the fun b/c you made fun of yourself in it all, but I had no idea you were a psychopathic disorder waiting to open up on me and strip away my confidence – for your benefit. Making yourself feel better at my expense – that was wrong RS. That is what cut me in half. To let me think you actually planned to carry out things that people do as a result of engaging in an adult relationship together, when you had NO intention of doing any of them – was just plain Narcissistic with a capital N.
How dare you make up lies and tease me with things you know I could never do for myself – only to blow them off when I asked “when” we’d do some of them? There were PLENTY of rooms available at the lake Memorial Day weekend – you probably never even checked. We were supposed to go to Chicago that weekend, I had my mom alter her plans so we could go away like YOU said we would.
It’s probably a good thing that you did end things, b/c I would have figured out as things continued that you’re full of shit, lie and cared for no one but yourself. Everyone loves a little bit of “me”, but you know NO boundaries. You hurt whoever doesn’t have anything to offer you – cut them off like a barnacle. Leaving them lifeless and wondering WTH?
It’s a shame that you have to be that way to feel good about yourself because you are actually an amazing person. You’ve conquered so much from your past and done so well in life, have 2 amazing sons you should be very proud of - in spite of having a detached jackass for a biological father. But to have no empathy, no conscience, no sensitivity for anyone but yourself - all of the donated clothes and money in the world can’t make you a better person. It has to be in your heart – and you said it yourself one day – you don’t have one.
I hope you realized finally how much damage to do actually do to people when you treat them like a used up rag and toss them aside, and finally keep to your damn self. You like yourself so much – stay home with you and leave the rest of us alone. Don’t even TRY to date anyone anymore cuz you are incapable of caring, RS, it’s that plain and simple. People have tried to care about you, to do nice and loving things for you – and you just repel them like you have on a rubber suit. You SAY you appreciate them, but we know you could care less if no one did anything for you – you’d just do it for yourself. Well, I hope you never run out of money sweetheart, because you’re going to run out of people eventually.
I really miss your sorry ass – that’s the bad part. I miss what I thought we were going to have; a mature yet fun and carefree relationship. I miss the laughing at each others craziness – silliness. I miss the energy - we had so much together b/c each on our own we are balls of fire.
But it was turning into bad energy – the kind that electrocutes. That I don’t need. I only wish you wouldn’t have been so nice when you broke up with me – it would have been so much easier to forget you if you’d been more of a jerk. I have to trust that things would have continued to get worse and eventually the stories of your behavior from the past would have resurfaced. But you could have left me with some dignity. Jackass.