Run4it's Story

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#1 Dec 17 - 12AM
Run4it
Run4it's picture

Run4it's Story

Names have changed, story the same.....

Some days I am STILL in shock that I ignored so many red flags........

Met my Narc in April of 2010 on a set-up date for lunch. I knew he was divorced from an old acquaintance in High School and was a little skeptical. I had spent 1 1/2 years NOT dating after being in a long term relationship of 8 years. I really thought I was ready again. He was polite and charming. Prayed over our lunch.. Sent me a sweet note after the date and asked me out again right away. We talked on the phone and had a lot in common. I asked around about him as I live in a small town and was told "he is controlling". I vowed to keep an eye on that as I had let the previous man run the show a little too much.

To cut to the chase....we dated, he didn't kiss me which I thought was odd. He eventually cried and complained about the ex mistreating him incessantly and also told strange stories about seeing dead people and the stress his divorce had on him. Red flag huh??? but I kept going....he told me what a good listener I was and how "normal" I seemed. Then the roller coaster ride started. Limited contact and dates. Week-nights only. Then a strange all night sexual experience like none I had ever encountered! I honestly felt sorry for him and just thought he had taken Viagra and was starved for attention or something. Duh.....then he totally disappeared.

And came back a few weeks later all nice and attentive. This went on for 2 months until he moved into a new house and had me over to celebrate only to have another woman show up with a house warming gift in a drop dead outfit. She was a local woman who I knew was in the process of a lengthy divorce from a prominent asshole and had a very bad reputation herself. The light went off and I left. He begged me to come back. He eventually fessed up that that they had been seeing one another for a year and that she was jerking him around and his THERAPIST advised him to date other women (ME). I dumped him.

3 weeks later......he calls apologizing and saying it is over with her and he is attending Co Dependency classes and would I go with him. OH MY GOD, I said yes. Where was my freaking self=esteem and intuition???? In the crapper obviously.

From there, we went into dating again and everything seemed just rosy, if you call this rosy......1. He would only stay at his place because he had to have a totally dark room with a fan blowing on his face. 2. He liked to control what we ate as he was an elite athlete. 3. He had to go to sleep at 8:30 every night. 4. His training came before everything else. 5. He took valium and other medication to sleep every night. 6. He put the pillow cases in the freezer before bedtime 7. Sex was on his timeline and often had to be crazy and for hours on end. I rarely felt as if he was behaving in a loving manner. 8. We had to leave parties early every time 9. He had NO relationship with his 15 & 19 yr old daughters. They seemed to hate him ( I tried to help him understand and work toward a relationship with them) 10. He only had 1 male friend and several female friends he lunched with and talked with. Even they seemed to wax and wane. 11. We had to listen to his music and he was obsessed with watching certain movies and even scenes from movies (End of the Affair for one.....) 12. Read me poetry he wrote only to find later that it was poetry written about the whore with the house warming gift. 13. Was obsessed with his body 14. Walked around naked at the pool at his house and wanted me to do the same with him. I'm no prude but it just seemed a little off to do it everytime we were out there. It all makes sense now, of course.

This went on with me somehow thinking I was in love with a great Christian, misunderstood guy UNTIL ......1. He started withholding sex regularly 2. Cut back on the overnight visits. 3. Began training and running with a woman I was concerned about, even though she was married to his "friend". 4. He said things that I felt were just mean about his ex AND his own daughters (Called them fat faced, selfish) 5. He blew up when he had my very normal, sweet son and his fiancee over for dinner because I brought extra food to help him out. Accused me of trying to make him look like he didn't know how to cook enough. WOW!! 6. Began keeping his cell with him even in the bathroom. And on and on and on.......

I started asking for explanations. He started staging events at the gym so that I would be there when he would show up with the OW to work out, get in the lane with me just to tweak her. It was sick. I even found her crying in the bathroom after the swim one day and finally confronted her. Her response: "I am going through family issues and he and I have become VERY close friends. He has to decide if he loves you or not." I freaked on her and then on him. He insisted that he had no idea what she was talking about and proceeded to cry crocodile tears about the ex and his daughters. Just WOW!!

There were signs all over the place and I was falling apart emotionally. He gave me just enough to keep me hanging on while he was shagging around with the OW . I finally just broke it off and went NC. The OW divorced her husband (his friend) within 3 weeks and they have been together since. This was her 3rd marriage and divorce and she is 42 with 2 children by 2 different fathers - actually a perfect target for his source. He has since had the nerve to mail me 2 Bible Study guides that we used together. What a creep.

It has been 3 1/2 months NC except for a scathing email I sent after the Bible Study was sent.....Oh yeah, after that , he sent me a box with 1. My book. 2. My dish towel. 3. My plastic container. 4. 2 Clothes hangers. YES, I said 2 CLOTHES HANGERS !!!! LOL LOL I did actually get a good laugh out of that. I guess my hangers brought back too many bad memories.. LOL LOL LOL Or maybe he was just showing me that he was ridding himself of every last bit of me. Can I say WEIRDO???

I have good days and bad days. I am seeing a therapist because in all my 52 years, I have never felt so brain &^%$#@ . I have questioned my sanity for accepting that crappy behavior. I feel abused by the way he treated me sexually with no true emotion or love. I feel stupid for believing the lies. I am angry at him and the OW and want them to suffer.

He told me over and over that I was exactly everything he had always wanted and that he didn't regret a moment of our relationship, all while fing around with the OW. He also told me that he felt like Dr Jekyl and Mr. Hyde at times. I should have LISTENED.

He is a liar, a cheat, a coward, an empty shell of a man and I am infinitely better off without him. I know all of this at the core of my being but it is still a struggle day to day. Each day is better and some days I "relapse" and feel frantic to know what he is doing or obsess about the 2 of them together.

This website and the discover that NPD exists and fits him to a point, helps me to feel less insane. I'm actually a pretty normal gal and have learned a big lesson here that I hope to never have to repeat with God's help and the help of the wonderful people here. Thank you for listening. I look forward to healing.

Jan 6 - 12AM
ACgirl
ACgirl's picture

Run4it...it's amazing how these N's are so similar

I have started reading everyone's stories, and as Sparrow said, it is truly amazing how similar all these N's are. My N got into marathon running because a co-worker female "friend" ran marathons. He used to say..."oh we are just friends". She was much younger than him. Then one day, while we were in bed, he told me that when he went away to run a marathon in another state, she was there. When I asked him where she stayed, he said in the same hotel as him, then he said the SAME hotel room, then he said... THE SAME BED!! When I freaked out on him his response was....."Well, she didn't have money, so I said she could stay with me". IN THE SAME BED!! What a jerk I was in that I believed him. Can you believe that? I actually bought his story. Anyway, he strung me along in similar ways. One minute he can't live without me and would be terrified it I left, and then the next minute he disappears. But here is the kicker.....HE ALSO WENT TO BIBLE STUDY!! OMG, how do these N's go to Bible study and then are the biggest liers and cheaters? How is that possible? And the wild thing is that I actually believe that he considers himself a good Christian. I think he walks around thinking that about himself. It was good for me to read your story because it gave me the strength and understanding to realize that these guys are all the same and all we fell in love with was the fantasy of what we hoped, not what was really in front of us. Thank you for writing your story. We all learn when we read. Knowledge is power!! xoxoACgirl
Jan 6 - 12AM (Reply to #23)
Run4it
Run4it's picture

ACgirl

Reading your comments gave me the shivers....It absolutely ripped my heart out to find that he was fooling around with the running buddy OW. She was his friend's wife and had been over for dinner etc. She even friended my daughter on facebook early on and sent a picture of me and her husband from high school to my daughter to look at. Not only was my Narc a sicko, she is too. She told her husband (no ex) that he needed to be with someone else, someone like ME! I believe she must be a Narc as well from all that went on. So sick I hate to even recall it all.... Stay here and read and learn and become stronger with the wonderful support on this site. It has made a huge difference for me. By the way....the hypocrite did NOT mail me the new Upper Room Study this month LOL Liars, cheaters but most importantly COWARDS
Jan 6 - 12AM (Reply to #24)
Run4it
Run4it's picture

And one more thing...

I truly am sorry that you had to suffer through this. Sending love and hope your way....
Jan 4 - 12AM
Run4it
Run4it's picture

I love having my story here

I love having my story here so I can read it every time I feel even an ounce of compassion or longing for that short little man.
Jan 3 - 2AM
Night Owl
Night Owl's picture

Bible Studies?

I can't believe he had the nerve to mail you Bible studies. I guess it is good we can laugh about it but oh what a hypocrite he is! Also I've got to ask - why did he put the pillowcases in the freezer?!?
Jan 4 - 12AM (Reply to #18)
Run4it
Run4it's picture

Pillow cases....

I know I mention it a lot on here but I thought that was the weirdest thing ever. He liked his pillowcases very cold and he ironed them and put them in plastic bags in the freezer.. He also slept with a small floor fan on his face all night for sound and had to clip all the drapes to make the room dark. Couldn't stay at my house because it was too much light! We had to travel with the fan...lol Hypocrite is an understatement for my psycho.
Jan 4 - 12AM (Reply to #19)
Gravity
Gravity's picture

Run4it

pardon me for laughing but yes absolutely this guy sounds like a nutjob! He is waay more than a "control freak." I heard from OW Mine never allowed anyone on his bed without wearing socks. Specificially tube socks. He saved all of his stickers from the tops of his deodorant and stuck them to his bureau. They all have crazy weird ticks. As Hunter says.. welcome to Narcville. I'm glad you found us! Continue to read and heal! BEST WISHES FOR A NARC FREE NEW YEAR! WELCOME! xoxoxo *hugs*
Jan 5 - 2PM (Reply to #20)
Run4it
Run4it's picture

Thanks Gravity!

Just a few weeks here and already so, so much better. I know better than to try and do this by myself and without the support of people who have been there and not only survived, but thrived. God bless you and happy Narc Free 2012 to you as well!
Dec 20 - 6PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

With that said

With that said RUN4IT.. Welcome to Narcville Hunter
Dec 17 - 12PM
Run4it
Run4it's picture

More venting lists....

Just to get this off of my chest, I need to vent about more insanities that I let slide. 1. Constantly asked me if he was the best lover I had ever had (NO, but I lied) 2. A very fit, athletic man but he had a few small stretch marks on upper thigh. He asked me if I noticed them and then told me they were from the underwear he wore as a child (Insane and N) 3. He hated "fat"people and weighed and checked his body fat daily. 4. He sent the crappy poetry he wrote about OW#1 to 10 different poetry contests and when he didn't get any positive responses commented that the ones that won were not nearly as good as his. 5. Treated his brothers like crap 6. Said he had never cheated on his wife but certainly had many opportunities (find that one hard to believe...) and the kicker that DID make me angry at the time... 7. We ran a 4th of July race (NARC, me, my son and daughter in law) My son beat him handily and he said to me: "I could have caught him but I didn't want to make him feel bad" There was no way he could have caught him and that was just sick, mean and crazy! He was so envious of my happy son with a great personality. OK, back out into the sunshine to play now. I am just going to keep getting it out until there is nothing left of him inside of me.
Dec 20 - 6PM (Reply to #13)
uk lady
uk lady's picture

Hi Run4it

Well all I can say is that the x sang from the exact same hymn sheet as your's. 1. Complete gym feak - professional football referee - marathon runner - workaholic : surprised he even had one night free for me in the end. 2. Had to sleep in complete darkness 3. Often took medication to get to sleep 4. Always bleated on about being the best lover I had ever had - non existent in the last couple of years because he said he was too self conscious about his cancer operation. But feel that he must have got over it bc I suspected his involvement during the past year with OW 5. Absolute insane about anybody doing better than him in whichever sport he participated in - especially younger guys. I used to take great delight in reminding him that he was a veteran - anybody over 35/40 is considered this. 6. Selective memory when it suited him 7. Always had to work to his agenda and timeline especially around marathons - even suggested trips to NY and Toronto and tried dressing it up as holidays. I declined because I knew all he would be thinking about was the running and what he could/couldn't eat and that he had to go to bed early. 8. He thought he was the connoisseur of every genre of music - er no! 9. Would go overboard with new friends but they never stayed around for any long period of time - always mystified me but now I know better 10. Had very few male friends but loads of female "friends" 11. I was always referred to, or introduced as, a friend - never given the rightful title. 12. Had unhealthy relationship with his mother - I always thought that she was treated more like a girlfriend than I was in terms of consideration and attention. He often had to buy her the same gifts that he had bought me - could never leave her out of anything as she would act like a spoilt little girl and make him feel guilty. Even one of his male friends told me that he considered her very needy. 13. He lied, cheated, gaslighted, projected, envied me the whole time we were together. Amen. Dee x
Dec 21 - 11PM (Reply to #14)
Run4it
Run4it's picture

They sound like twins

Seperated at birth!
Dec 21 - 11PM (Reply to #15)
uk lady
uk lady's picture

Hi Run4it

That passed through my mind too. Although probably more like, they both come from the same batch at the factory producing the androids. Dee x
Dec 18 - 12PM (Reply to #11)
Im_always_fine
Im_always_fine's picture

First I LOVE your nic name

First I LOVE your nic name Run4it... I could not get through any if this with out this site. I've become so isolated over the past 5 years that I really don't have anyone left to talk to. They wouldn't get it anyways. It just seems so petty to say something like," He never stops sulking." They would think,"So what?...ignore him" No one can understand what the CONSTANT intense emotional conniving does to a mind unless they've been there. OH the women here have been there...and back! I thank God for bringing me here. Just talking and laughing with the people here has been all the support and help I could ever need. btw...your NARC is such a DICK! Maybe one day soon you will be able to laugh him...living out such a farce.
Dec 18 - 9PM (Reply to #12)
Run4it
Run4it's picture

Yes, he is a dick

Hi IAF, reading the stories on this site have been an eye-opener and and life saver for me. The people here are really the only people that can understand and God knows I am thankful for the support. Hang in there....
Dec 17 - 10AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Welcome to

Welcome to Narcville!! UGH!' Same assclown different body!! Hunter
Dec 18 - 12PM (Reply to #9)
Im_always_fine
Im_always_fine's picture

LOL. "Same assclown different

LOL. "Same assclown different body"
Dec 17 - 10AM
Run4it
Run4it's picture

Thank you for your support

So great to wake up this morning and read your comments. My friends cannot understand what this has done to me as they have always seen me as a very strong and confident woman. Their response is "he's a weirdo, move on" and yes, that is all true, but what they don't get that you ladies do is that I feel like I just came back from a year in a POW Camp having my essence systematically sucked out of me. I already feel better just telling the highlights of this last year to a group of people that actually understand. I know that I have real love inside of me and have wonderful children and friends and am so thankful to have this safe place to come as well. Run4it and don't look back....
Dec 17 - 7AM
Used
Used's picture

Run4it

Welcome to the forum... Your story is horrendous, and yet so familier, its as if all the NARCS are related...... He sleeps in the dark with a fan on his face...OMG... ARE THEY ALL NUTS... you will learn lots here, and feel free to pm the MODS, THAT IS GOLDIE, [ME], SPINNING,JOURNEY, HUNTER...FOR ANYTHING YOU WANT TO AS OFF THE BOARD...USED X
Dec 17 - 10AM (Reply to #5)
Run4it
Run4it's picture

Goldie, I have read a lot of

Goldie, I have read a lot of the stories here and really am shocked at the similar methods and madness of the NARCS we have all encountered. I am now convinced that my own father (deceased) had NPD and have long known that my mother is a N. I have worked very hard my entire life to overcome all the mess. No more "Looking for Love in all the wrong places"
Dec 31 - 8AM (Reply to #6)
mandathepanda
mandathepanda's picture

"Goldie, I have read a lot of

"Goldie, I have read a lot of the stories here and really am shocked at the similar methods and madness of the NARCS we have all encountered. I am now convinced that my own father (deceased) had NPD and have long known that my mother is a N. I have worked very hard my entire life to overcome all the mess. No more "Looking for Love in all the wrong places" Runforit, this rang such huge huge bells for me. My father died suddenly just a few weeks ago - I had a very difficult relationship with my father, and havent spoken to my mother for 10 years. She definitely has a personality disorder... My father dying, whilst a huge shock, was the wake up call I needed...I realised simultaneously that this man was not going to take care of me OR change, and that I needed to stop looking for the love I had missed out on from my parents. What hard lessons to learn, but how liberating too....
Dec 17 - 7AM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Welcome to the forum. If I

Welcome to the forum. If I didn't know any better, you were talking about my N. Bizarre isn't it? How alike they all are? You will see more and more traits in others stories while reading their posts. His best friends wife? Geez.......they really do stop at nothing don't they? No moral code what so ever. You are lucky you escaped! Good luck on your journey!
Dec 17 - 7AM
whskywmn5
whskywmn5's picture

Welcome

Welcome to the forum...im sure its not where any of us in this life time expected to find ourselves, but here we are. It can be a slow gradually realization that things just arent right, or it can fall on your head like a ton of bricks, either way you are at the best place you can be to find the answers you are searching for. I would highly recommend for anyone here with access to it, to get Lisas book The Path Forward, reading that book its like I am reading every word about my Narc moron as I like to call him....its so uncanny how they all seem to have so many of the same qualities about them....and let me tell you, they are good qualities either, when all is said and done and their real side emerges.
Dec 17 - 5AM
freaked
freaked's picture

run4it.... run away from IT..

oh my....quite the narc experience this is. thank heavens you reached this forum...and with the right name handle too! Run-AWAY-4rm-IT close shave...very. stay here dear...and soon yu will know that you are fine, beautiful, warm, loving woman....each of here are exactly so too...but..our encounter, nightmare r/s with a narc left us shattered into bits.........and here we regroup our soul. Do have a chat with Goldie for serious insights.. she cured me of a dangerous mental malady i had contracted: namely, self-pity. now I am doing well, thanks to the Forum's love and support. nobody can mess with my mind/soul/heart/body ever again.