Good Bye To Michael (Narc #1)

I am writing to you, as an exercise, to "let my pain out" and to find closure, with what has happened to me due to your pursuit for a "different" kind of happiness, as you put it. I spent the first year, after you leaving, basically in denial, shock, in a fog, for the lack of a better term.

The night you informed me that you were interested in "pursuing" another woman, I believed that my life had ended. You were able to leave our marriage, our children, our home, our life, in pursuit of something that you didn't even know for sure would have amounted to anything. I believed in my heart of hearts, that you must truly love this woman, in order to allow so many people to experience so much pain and heartache. Me, and Rachael especially. How you could leave such a wonderful life, was the question on everyone's mind, because we seemed so happy. How you could file for divorce 2weeks later and put a rush on things so it could " be one in 6 months" was beyond me, and again, everyone else in our life. You told me that you had no other choice than to file due to "irreconcilable differences" I said "but that is a lie, we never once had an argument or disagreement" and you said "I know, and I am sorry, but it's the only way to do it in order to have it done in 6 months". I was baffled, confused, grief stricken. I was robbed of any time to mourn, I was robbed of any choices, this was my life too, but I was no longer writing the script, you and your mistress were. It became apparent that I did still have one choice left in my life. And that choice was how I would conduct myself through this sorted affair, through this divorce, through this life changing experience. I chose to handle it with dignity, with grace, and with the strength that one can only find deep down within themselves. I wanted to be an example to my daughter, to my step-daughter, and to my step-son. Afterall, you certainly were not a good example at that point in their lives, and they knew it. I reminded them that you were their Father, and they were to respect you and your choice, whether they believed it was right or wrong, it was your choice and what they need to take away from this is to not judge you for the way you chose to do things, but to learn from it, and see that there is a better route to take for everyone concerned. I am proud of how i handled myself through this whole ordeal, and our kids are proud of me as well. With that intact, it was time for me to embark on my journey to healing.

There were a lot of things that I have learned along the way, about myself, about you, about our families, our friends, about life. Without going into all the details of my journey and the paths that I have chosen along the way, as you know about most of them and the affects that they have had on me as well. I will simply say that there was a time, not too long ago, where I yearned to have my life back, I yearned to have our life back, our family intact. And I found that I actually was given a second opportunity to have it. Imagine that, a dream come true so it seemed. But it was not to be, and the reason why is simple. Because you are not the man that I married, you are a stranger to me now. Nor, am I the woman that you married. Yet, I am not a stranger. I am still the loving, compassion, caring woman that you married almost 16 years ago. I am still carefree, I still wake up every morning with a smile on my face, I still "dance" from the bed to the bathroom to brush my teeth, I still keep my home organized, neat and orderly, I still love to hang out with friends and family, I am still the first to arrive to the party and the last to leave, I still snore like a freight train, and I still like to "buy" myself something new when I am upset. I still am the same person I have always been, yet I am not the woman you married. What I once thought you took away from me, when you left, I realized I never had to begin with. And that was you, and your heart and soul. The woman you were married to believed that we were one, that we were soulmates, that we were meant to be. That woman no longer exists.

You came to me not long ago, with the prospect of a reconciliation. Professing your love for me, professing how you yearned for me, for our life to be as it once was. You just needed time and asked me respectfully for it. This of course was something I always thought I would sell my soul to the devil to have back, but realized that I know longer wanted it. You see, while you were in pursuit of some one you thought you would like to get to know better, I was too, but just didn't know it. I was in pursuit of "myself" and do you know what? I am pretty damn amazing, and do you know what else? Our paths will never cross again, although you said you would hope that it would some day, if we were meant to be. I can assure, that that day will never come, because if we were meant to be, no one, including Annette would have come between us. And the "second chance" would have not been a discussion over the phone, you would have been standing at my doorstep with suitcase in hand, without question, if I was truly where your heart belonged. I deserve the whole heart of a man, not half his heart. I deserve so much more than I ever thought or believed over the years, I deserve complete and utter happiness, not contentment, I deserve the utmost love, respect and regard from the man I love. I deserve EXACTLY what I give to my partner, nothing more, nothing less. I deserve me, and you don't.

With that said, I am on to the new chapter in my life. I look forward to what lies ahead. And like I use to tell everyone, life is for living, so you best get started. I am now taking my own advice. This has been the most amazing journey Michael. One that looked dark, scary, bleak, unpromising, and never ending. It turned out just fine, there was a time that I didn't think I could live without you, now, I can't live without me. And if you weren't so interested in "pursuing" Annette, I would have never "pursued" me. The old saying "everything happens for a reason" stands very true for me, and going forward, I will never question that again.

I loved you, a part of me will always love you. Because if I don't, than I am not being true to myself and it would erase the last 16 years of my life. Wishing you well in life, and hoping that you find the happiness that you are looking for.

With Love and Gratitude,

Susan