stateofpeace's story

The day I new I was married to a Narc

I posted earlier about my situation so this is more of a rant to get it out.

Earlier this year, My husband decided that we should go to marriage counseling because he felt that something was really wrong and we were not communicating.

During our second session, the therapist asked him why he fell in love with me. His response was "because she paid more attention to me than anyone has ever done before". I always thought he was selfish and spoiled by his Mother, but that day I new it was more than that. On our third and last session he realized that it wasn't going his way. He really thought the therapist was going to tell me that I was the messed up one, but instead she called him out on his BS and he decided we were never going back.

We have been together for a long time and I always tolerated his behavior or maybe I didn't know any better since he has been my only adult relationship. It wasn't until our 2nd child came along that I realized that this isn't the way things should be. When I started sticking up for myself and the kids, is when he got worse. He started going out all the time until he cheated on me. I forgave him but never trusted him again. Not trusting him made me not want to be intimate with him. But that wasn't the only reason. He really made me feel as if I was sex on a stick. I felt like the more I gave it to him, the more he wanted it. I never felt it was about us, just him.

His rages were another problem. They started when he stopped smoking marijuana. I think he was self medicating then. When he stopped smoking, he replaced it with drinking and people. I wouldn't say he is an alcoholic but he is addicted to people. He is the fun party guy and can make friends with anyone. Its funny how the things I loved about him in the beginning are the things I hate the most now. He doesn't have any true friends he seems to go through them very quickly.

Back to his rages. It always blew my mind how upset he could get over the dumbest things! I found myself trying to fix problems before he found out about them. I also realized that his tantrums were a way to bully me into him getting his way. Especially when it came to spending money on things he wanted. A couple of weeks into our marriage, we started getting letters and calls from collectors. He was 6k in debt. He was/is so irresponsible with money. I pay all the bills and handle anything to do with money. He didn't even know our bank account number until we separated and of course he accused me of stealing from him.

My girlfriends hate him. They call him my fake husband when we get together. He acts as if he is the best husband and father when we are around others. They know the truth, they have heard him rage when he doesn't know I am on the phone and they can hear him.

My children are not afraid of him, I don't think they know anything different. Which is sad for me, since I didn't grow up that way. I don't want them to think this is the way things are supposed to be. He tries to control everything they do, from what they wear to what they eat. I can be outside and he could be standing in the kitchen, but they will come to me and ask me to get them something to drink. We rarely have people over to our house, but when we do. He goes on a crazy cleaning spree and puts away all the toys so it looks like we don't have any children in our house. The same with the car. If he is going out with a buddy, he will take the car seats out.

He is so vain. He goes every two weeks to get a hair cut. He always has nice clothes on and cologne. He can't even leave the house without showering. He will refuse to drive our kids to school because he hasn't had a shower. He goes to the gym everyday and tells me I need to go. I don't go out of spite. I find I do opposite of what he is telling me to do.

I know people are thinking that I was enabling his behavior. I let him do those things because it wasn't worth the rages. He would always find a way to make it my fault or that I didn't support him. He could never have a normal tone. Loud is the only volume he has.

Last month when I really stopped all affection with him is when he went to the next level. He use to come home at a reasonable time but it got later and later until he didn't come home. He always went to the same bar (a block away)and would talk about his friends there. I didn't know any of these people and I was beginning to feel as if he was living a double life. I don't have the password to the phone bill so he could have been talking with other women. I think that is the reason he finally decided not to come home. He always told me he can't be alone so I don't think he would have risk getting kicked out unless he had a back up plan. He is currently dating someone or he claims that she is just a friend and it isn't like that. Even though he told me that they just kissed, but it was none of my business.

That is when I started spinning and doubting myself on if I made the right decision. I don't want him because of his bad choices but I don't want someone else to have him either. I know that sounds crazy but I feel crazy at this point. My biggest fear is that I have been so desperate for him to unconditionally love me, that he is going to change and give what I wanted the most from him to some girl he just met. I'm saying girl because the last one was 21 years old. Meeting someone is the last thing I want to do right now, so I can't believe how quickly he has moved on.

He really believes that I caused him to be that way. He recently sent me a text that said that he needs more than I am willing to give him. What does he need? A wife and two kids wasn't enough.

I can't say that I regret him because I have the most amazing kids a mother could ask for. I do hate that they have to go through this situation too.

I know what I have to do but it is easier said than done. I have invested 16.5 years of my life to this man and I am 33.5 years old! I have grown up with him and now he has turned into a completely different person in the last 7 years.

Writing this out does make me feel better. I have to learn to let go of him and to accept the fact that he isn't able to unconditionally love me. That hurts too! I don't know what that kind of love feels like.

Thanks for reading this!