Psyche's story

I met my husband 8 years ago and like most of your stories he was what dreams were made of. He knew what to say, how to touch. He stole my breath.. quite literally many times. In the beginning I didn't mind not breathing I would tingle and time would stand as still as my chest. Then slow and subtle it began to change and pain replaced joy as I held my breath. He had this secret life that would ooze out unexpectedly and the magical talent of making me feel like it was my fault he was hiding these things. I was the crazy jealous bitch who checked his phone and read a text message to his last girl friend on christmas eve reading that he wished he could be there to keep her warm on that cold night.. This woman was like a rash who came and went... and now in hine sight likely was never ever really gone.. he just became better at hiding her. But he would always let his gaurd down and about every 6 months to a year she'd be back and I would cry. I once found pictures of this naked woman on his phone and he tried to convince me that she sent them to him because she wanted his opinion on why her poor husband doesn't want to have sex with her.. lol.. that was priceless.. but did I leave then.. nope. She wasn't even the only one.. just the one that was the hardest to swallow even for my brainwashed mind. I seperated from my husband this past August after listening to another lie pass those perfect lips. I came across my first NPD article a little over a month ago and it was like a light long burned out turned on again and illuminated all the dark and ugly ... and often times, twisted sick bullshit I have been swallowing for years. I found this article because I was trying to diagnose what was wrong with me!!! Was I BP? If not there had to be some clinical reason as to why I was trying so hard, feeling so bad and always falling short.. why my memory seemed to be wrong. Why I was suddenly so jealous when this had never been an issue before... more importantly I was searching for a way to fix what was wrong with me to save my broken sad marriage. That article saved me.. it opened my eyes. I have read everything I can get my hands on, learning, actually making sense of things in the past that made no sense in the moment.. remember I was crazy. How eloquently he spins his web, knowing what to say... how to touch. I am three months in to my seperation I am elated to feel just the slightest part of the real me still lingering in there underneath all the hard wired confusion my Narc installed throughout me. It's not easy, but learning the rules of the game gave me the advantage of a MUCH better hand to play. I have turned a deaf ear to my heart where he is concerned... I can only follow my gut. My gut says one word... goodbye. I am grateful for you stories, when my heart is breaking again they give me comfort because I don't feel alone and I DEFINITELY do not feel crazy any longer. :)