daughter

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#1 Nov 2 - 3PM
jellybean
jellybean's picture

daughter

I know my daughter is a narcissist. I'm hopeful that at some point she will get more than a glimpse of the needs and feelings of those in her family but I know I cannot count on it. I know at least one of my mistakes in raising her was that I rescued her from herself too many times. Now she is married again and I have a second grandchild, almost one. I have another who is eight. Her husband is a nice enough man and she treats him pretty well, but she is very negligent with my grandchildren. They (parents) stay up very late every night drinking after putting both children in bed at 7:00 PM. Then they sleep in all morning until 10-12. They have hired a nanny to come and deal with the morning care, look after the baby all day, and pick my other grandchild up at school. On the weekend while she isn't there, if I am visiting, I do all the morning care. One night she aired her grievances (the main one being that she always feels criticized which I was totally understanding about. I wouldn't like to feel under constant scrutiny either.) I pointed out my concerns regarding the harsh way she speaks to my 8-yr-old granddaughter or ignores her and the total lack of attention in the morning routine. She and her husband were both in denial about it. ("we're not that way when you're not here, stress, etc.) I asked the nanny if it was like that every day and she said "Yes....I wouldn't want to be in your shoes." Then she left with the baby because (of course) she is in the employ of my daughter and her husband. I hadn't even realized she had left. When my daughter and her husband rolled out of bed around 10:30-11:00, I asked where they went and my daughter said they must have gone to the beach or something. Anyway, I was leaving that day (I live in a different state) after four days because I know things will get too tense if I stay longer and they were going to pay $50 for a cab to take me to the airport because they couldn't be troubled. They both work from home. I lost it and claimed that they thought they could just throw money at anything and that they were not parenting the children they have and questioned why they were talking about having another soon. I am very close to the 8-yr-old as I helped raise her until she was 6. I told them I did not want to worry about another grandchild. I was told to get out of the house right then. They left, called a cab for me, and told me I was not welcome to come back again (by text.) This has been her pattern since she was 14. She will do outrageous things (in this case it's a matter of not doing) and then deny first and then make me the bad guy. She has always had a guy or man behind her to stand behind making me wrong. At least this guy is decent. Any parenting that gets done gets done by him. I know it is out of my hands. I just have to trust that life will take care of all of them and be available for my grandkids. I just needed to vent. I talked with my former minister about it and he said it was something that I needed to say and that in their heart of hearts, they both know it. I wish I had not blown up, but I have a very hard time seeing the grandkids being neglected and I also know I have no rights. I got divorced from her father (another narcissist) when she was a baby and though he sent child support until she was 18, he never wanted anything to do with her so they have zero relationship. I reported the situation to her MIL who doesn't want to believe it (believe me...I wish it was me and I was just crazy) which I understand. SIL parents' live on the opposite coast and they have accepted my 8-yr-old as their grandchild entirely which I am very grateful for. Her birth father is a criminal and has no contact. Believe me, I know I have my own issues. I am in AA and sober. I was never a "drunk" but I did often drink myself to sleep at night. I never neglected her in the morning though. I don't mean to assign or unassign blame. I really did my best and even if I made a boatload of mistakes, here we are. Thanks for listening.

Nov 3 - 9PM
gingercat
gingercat's picture

Wow, did your story hit home

Wow, did your story hit home with me tonight. I usually log on when the post traumatic stress of trying to survive through a 15 year relationship with the Narcissist husband overwhelms me but today it was the adult children who kicked me to the curb. I have been crying most of the day and can not even write more tonight but want you to know I get it and have some input of my own that you will want to hear. Will post more when I wake up in the middle of the night like I always do over stress from the Narcissists in my life.....
Nov 4 - 1PM (Reply to #7)
jellybean
jellybean's picture

It's rough I KNOW

I am no doctor obviously, but I was told by one that my PTSD gets triggered and in high gear by these kinds of incidents. Though you and I are in a position where we can't just get the narcissists out of our lives since they are our own children, we must keep our strength and build on it though it seems difficult at times. I would like to hear your input. Take care.
Nov 3 - 1PM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Sad but true

Hi Jelly, Welcome to the site. Once they are grownup and leave the nest, there is little that you can do, as frustrating as this may be for you. I do not see any overt signs of abuse or neglect here. Having a Nanny if you can afford one is a personal choice. Your daughter is not required to get up early if she does not choose to do so. What would be neglect would be if they were allowed to roam freely around the house while the parents slept until 10 or 12 with no supervision which has been done by some parents. The truth of the matter is that they are running the show. This is their family, their lives, and their call. There are millions of children in daycare all day long because both parents have to work. Having the children in their own home with a Nanny to supervise them is not a bad thing. I had to send my little boy to daycare all day long when he was small some of the time because I had to work. I was a single parent. The notion of being able to work at home and have a Nanny to help me out would have been heaven to me and good for my son because my working away all day and having to pay for all the bills created an exhausted Mother who had a bad attitude many a day, which of course was not good for my son. I understand that you are venting and this is good, better to do it on here than to jepodize your relationship with your grandchildren by alienating their parents. I am having trouble seeing what is abusive about what they are doing. I may be missing something and you may have left out some details. But I would let them "live and let live" and enjoy your time with your grandchilren. Forgive me if I am wrong. Sometimes the message gets lost in the written word and I may be missing your point. Are you saying that they are alcoholic's, is this the issue or that they are not up with the children in the morning? Thank you for sharing and keep posting and reading the other stories on the forum, there are many on here who have children and parents who are PD's. God bless, Goldie
Nov 4 - 1PM (Reply to #5)
jellybean
jellybean's picture

Thanks

I have not answered any of these responses because I was unable to log-in until just now. My daughter has been diagnosed with NPD. First, at age 14 though this was not "official," all the traits were there and the doctor suggested this would be a life-long issue. I did not want to believe it of course. I was a single mother as well and she had no one but me really...no cousins, no grandparents, and only an uncle who just died thousands of miles away, father who shut her out entirely. I really don't think I was equipped to raise her alone. I had a demanding job and did the best I could, but I don't think it was enough. I don't "blame" her most of the time and try not to blame myself because it does no good anyway. I know all I can do is be as strong as I can and work on my own issues. It was very painful to see what is going on. I agree that it is great to have the nanny there but she is only there from 6:30 AM-2:30 PM on weekdays. I realize that all I can do is accept the way things are and support my grandchildren when I am able and when their parents will let me. I can only pray for the best for them all. I know other children are raised this way and survive OK. That's my hope. I am already beginning to see signs that the 8-yr-old is growing up too fast though...just as my daughter did. Fortunately, the grandchildren have more support than my daughter ever did.
Nov 3 - 10AM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

I am so sorry to read your

I am so sorry to read your story. ASs a Mother, my heart breaks for you. Did your daughter have a positive male role model in her life with the absense of her Father? It does not sound like it. Narcissism stems from abandonment as a child and/or neglect as a child. Has she been diagnosed? Or is that your own assessment? Don't fret, your assessment is probably correct, unfortunately. In my opinion, like Hunters, there is really nothing you can do, but to keep peace in order to remain in your grandchildrens lives. It is a terrible thing, to have to sit on the sidelines and watch this all play out in front of you. Thank goodness they have a nanny to tend to the childrens needs, but sad that they are not receiving the love and guidance of their parents. Talking to the in-laws about this seems fruitless as well. Like you sad, they live on another coast and they only know what they are told by their son. Stay strong in your sobriety, continue attending meetings, and know in your heart of hearts, there really isn't anything you can do but pray that all will turn out ok. Do your best to find a way back into your grandchildrens lives and keep a steady yet SILENT watch over them. Unfortunately, it's all you can do for now. Unless there lives are in danger or their welfare, you couldn't even involve the authorities. Best wishes to you and your path forward.
Nov 4 - 2PM (Reply to #3)
jellybean
jellybean's picture

True

The silent part is challenging, but I know it's the only path.
Nov 3 - 10AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

There is not much you can do

There is not much you can do to help your daughter. People make their own choices.. We recommended NC .. In your case keeping things at bay to see the grand kids is all you can do!! Welcome to Narcville Hunter