wannaletgo22's story

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#1 Oct 31 - 1PM
wannaletgo22
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wannaletgo22's story

My story- thank you for listening

Hi- I am new here. I've read through some of the posts and blogs and have already found comfort in your stories.

I am about a month into no contact with an N that I "dated" on and off for a year. He is the first guy I ever had a relationship with...and just the second that I've slept with. Needless to say, although I am an intelligent and strong woman, I am very naive when it comes to men and dating. And after the first D&D, I was just completely dumbfounded, shocked and confused. He played on all of my insecurities and inexperience...and I was just putty in his hands. I admit I chased after him a bit b/c I felt I needed to understand what I could have done to make him treat me so terribly. I got no response and eventually gave up. He finally came back, offering no explaination, and I was just so happy to have him that I didn't demand one. He's had the upper hand ever since, coming in and out of my life, pretending to be my friend, but mostly demanding sexual favors and attention and punishing me and pulling away whenever I ask him for anything in return. I discovered he has a serious girlfriend, and I suspect that I am one of several women he keeps on the backburner. I get frustrated and yell and scream, he lies and denies, accuses me of abusing and bashing him, turns everything around on me, and I feel guilty and apologize and beg for forgiveness, and he punishes me some more by giving me the silent treatment. That lasts about a month, and then he comes back, I'm so sure I'm crazy and terrible that I accept him again, and we go another round.

But finally, finally I realized that he could be as confused and torn as he claims to be about the two of us (which I doubt), I could be the craziest woman in the world, and his girlfriend could be psychotic and needy- it doesn't matter. Nothing justifies his behavior. Nothing justifies playing two women against one another. A decent person would let me go...but it was always like he didn't want me, but wanted the right to claim me if he changed his mind- didn't matter what that did to me, how it made me feel invisible and worthless. He didn't care b/c it's all about him.

I have good days and bad days. I think the hardest part is that other people don't really understand what I've been through. In normal situations, it should be easy to move on after a year of casually dating someone. But I just feel so beaten down....the mind games were insane...and a lot of them were sexual...and it's just really hard to get over. But I am trying to be strong, and I'm trying to stay positive. I'm glad to have found this site and appreciate all of the support.

Oct 31 - 4PM
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture

It can be difficult not to

It can be difficult not to obsess. I've analysed and analysed what happened to me from every angle, and there's new stuff surfacing all the time - but at the end of the day there's the core issue that he's never cared about walking all over my feelings, using and abusing me, and lying to me. And he's just not worth it.
Oct 31 - 4PM (Reply to #9)
wannaletgo22
wannaletgo22's picture

Thank you

You are so right on both accounts...difficult not to obsess....and they are so clearly not worth the energy....thank you!!
Oct 31 - 1PM
Used
Used's picture

wannaletgo22

As Hunter said welcome to narcville.or should i say welcome to your new home, where you will learn many many things, then most important one...... how to get out and stay out....
Oct 31 - 4PM (Reply to #7)
wannaletgo22
wannaletgo22's picture

Thank you..I'm happy to be

Thank you..I'm happy to be here.
Oct 31 - 1PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

I am so sorry that you are

I am so sorry that you are here, but am glad you found the forum. Whether you were "casually" dating him or not, to you and to your heart, he was a part of your life. An important one at that. He manipulated you into believing that you were different and you were making a difference, and you wanted badly to believe his words. Unfortunately, there are never "happy endings" when involved with a narc. The pain will remain for some time, but with each day, you will heal just a little bit more. Do not have contact with him, first and foremost important part of healing. Nothing he says is believable. Nothing he does is believable. He is what he is, and always will be. You are lucky you got out, you may not feel that way at this moment, but you will eventually. Educate yourself on this disorder.......as they say, knowledge is power!
Oct 31 - 4PM (Reply to #5)
wannaletgo22
wannaletgo22's picture

Thank you for

Thank you for understanding...it means a lot.
Oct 31 - 1PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Welcome to Narcville

Welcome to Narcville .. Hunter
Oct 31 - 1PM
ash5233
ash5233's picture

wannaletgo22

I think you just every single one of my thoughts into words. I am exactly where you are. And it sounds as if we had the same exact N. I'm trying the NC thing but it's proven to be so difficult for me. I can only get past 2 days at a time. I'm really glad you are here. I don't have any friends or family to talk to about this as well, as I feel so obsessed if I even mention it...I don't think anyone can understand unless they have been through it or have experienced this kind of horrible treatment from someone. I know what you are feeling and what you are going through. You are definitely not alone.
Oct 31 - 4PM (Reply to #2)
wannaletgo22
wannaletgo22's picture

Thank you for your support.

Thank you for your support. You are not alone either. In all honesty, he is giving me the silent treatment b/c I "misbehaved" and called him on some things. Otherwise, I'm not sure I could have stopped. But this time, I am not going to be there when he comes back for another round. Be strong and hang in there!!!