AE5233's Story

I've been trying to put it all together in my head in order to write something coherent...but I have to get it out now. I'm very new here so bear with me! About three years ago, I met the N four months before my wedding date to my high school/college sweetheart. I was at an office party for a bigwig I didn't even know, and everyone in the department was invited (department was HUGE and I barely knew anyone). I went with a gay guy friend of mine because finace was out of town, and we had a blast drinking and dancing. I noticed the most gorgeous man I'd ever seen across the room, and after a few drinks smiled and made just enough eye contact with for him to come over to me. He saw my ring and asked if I was married to my date or if I was engaged or what my status was, and I told him the truth. We flirted and I regretfully gave him my phone number. I could justify this for pages and pages, but I won't because I know this was a huge mistake on many levels. And that's where it all begins. I (stupidly) went home with him that night and we talked for hours. He was 14 years older than me, had a great job, a cute little house, a nice car, and just nice "things" in general. We talked until the sun came up, drinking wine and just laughing. He was and had everything I was wanting in my upcoming phase of life--success, my own home, stability, and independence--except I was supposed to have it with my husband. After that night, I continued seeing N almost everyday...whether meeting for lunch, meeting after work, or spending the night there. My finace lived about 30 minutes away, and my 2 roommates had odd schedules, so nobody really knew what I was up to. I felt a huge sense of guilt and disgust with myself for what I was doing to the man I would marry, but also this huge rush of passion, excitement, and really just a feeling I can't even describe--he was like a knight in shining armor--was I making a mistake? Was this the man I was supposed to marry? My head was so messed up.

About a month into it, I learned he was attending anger managment classes because of a charge of domestic violence against his ex (who was about 19 years younger than him). He told me a long drawn out story about how she cheated on him and how he put a keylogger on her computer and found out, and she hit him and blah blah blah. First red flags I did not see. Poor guy, getting arrested and charged, and how dare that girl falsely accuse him of hitting her! N showered me with "love"--always saying the sweetest things, complimenting me, cooked me dinner many nights, texted constantly, checked on me at work, and treated me like a queen in the bedroom. I had never felt such passion for a man, so much chemistry and so sincere...but we never went out anywhere and I never met his friends, but I chalked this up to I was an engaged woman and we can't be seen anywhere for fear of someone catching me. He was protecting me, and that was so nice (ha...)

This goes on for four months and I know I need to do something...break off the engagement or break things off with N. He never talks to me about getting married, and even on the night before my wedding, he invited me to his house because he didn't think that I'd have plans (really?!). One night he played Irving Berlin's "What'll I Do" in the background as we had dinner. In my head I told him goodbye and that it was over, but I knew it wasn't. I snunk into the buisness center on my honeymoon just to email him. It's disgusting thinking of all the horrible things I did to my H. The day I got back from the HM, N met me at my old apartment and declared his love for me. I was so confused.

I tried to live my life as a married woman, but it was all a giant scam. I continued to subject myself to this mess. He slowly started showing his true colors. But I was hooked, moreso than I could believe or understand. Sex became the only way to feel close to him; it was his only interest when I was around, and he raved about how amazing we were together. He'd never felt like this with anyone. I was super shy but he made me so comfortable (or so I thought I was) that I would do practically anything for him or to him in bed...things I hadn't even thought about before. It became very rough, and he became very aggressive and almost crossed the line into violent. I'd end up with brusies, and he'd always want to know what other people thought when they saw them. I was an object to him, it was obvious. I was afriad to stop him or say no because he was so strong and I know he could and would hurt me. The emotion that I thought was there was completely gone. I constantly told him I was being used, but he said it was my fault because I was married, and what else could we do besides sleep together? It became the only way I could feel close to him.

Texts and conversations always had sexual jokes or innuendos in them. He'd send unsolicited naked photos of himself to me asking me if I liked. Told me he'd never ever done that before but he did with me because I'm so different and he feels comfortable. I recently found out that he had videotaped us together and had taken pictures of me without my knowledge. It's disgusting. I trusted him. I feel physically ill writing this.

This progressed and progressed and I'm still battling it. I didn't know then, but N started seeing other women around July 2008. He backed off from me a lot which made me of course obsess about what I was doing wrong. I found out he had a GF, and this sent me into the worst downward spiral I could imagine. I had panic attacks, constant thoughts of suicide, and I couldn't go to work I was so depressed. Imagine me being like this around my new husband; he didn't know what to do and I couldn't tell him. I went into therapy in August 2008 and struggled to get better, thinking I could just "get over him" and get on with my life. It didn't work that way.

I guess he felt me backing off, because he came on strong. He texted constantly and always wanted to know why it took me so long to respond. If I didn't respond immediately, he'd make a comment about me being with my H and how I guess I really didn't want him anyway. When I would ask where he was if he didn't answer a text DAYS later, he'd tell me that he was not obligated to me and I had no right to ask him where he was or what he was doing. I could not let this man go. I found myself apologizing constantly for things that I did not do or say during arguments that I didn't start. I just wanted his approval and to be liked again. I adored him, so why didn't he adore me? I was to blame for every problem we had because I was married; if I wasn't married we'd never fight he said. He accused me of driving by his house everyday stalking him (I did not) and accused me of "hounding" him when I asked anything about his personal life that didn't have to do with me. It was none of my business.

In March 2010, my world shattered. His girlfriend of 10 months found mine and N's texts and emails on his phone. She confronted him and he ran. He was caught and he gave her absolutely no explanation or apology for anything. She called my husband and told him everything. N exchanged texts with his ex, apparnetly threatening her because she was telling my H about us. Needless to say, my husband asked me to leave and I went to stay with my mother. Two days later, N was arrested at work for the threats he made to his ex after she found out about me. On one hand I was devastated that my marriage was over, and on the other I was so upset about N being in jail, and relieved that I didn't have to sneak around anymore, and (disgustingly), hopeful that N would love me for being so supportive of him and picking him up from jail and now we could live happily ever after...

WRONG. His first concern was if my H was going to come and hurt him. His second concern was if my H could provide him with the emails and texts that the ex had sent him. REALLY?! That's what you think is important right now??? He showed no interest in what this event had done to me, how it had changed my life, what my status was, where I was going to live now, nothing. He was worried about his safety and if had a lawsuit against her. I asked about the ex and what the history was like wtih her in the days leading up to this blow up, and he told me she had claimed she was pregnant about a month before but told him she miscarried...then he dumped her about a week before...and she was so "psycho" and "off her meds" and felt so "scorned and rejected" that she flipped out and and had him arrested. Later, she told the police N was stalking her at her apartment, and now N has a restraining order against him. He is still unsuccessfully pursuing a lawsuit against her for some ridiculous charge that doesn't exist.

For the next year, I lived with my mother. H and I didn't speak for a few months, and then we decided to proceed with the divorce. N was pursuing me again because his ex was gone, I had something he wanted, and he needed his supply then for so many reasons! For the next 18 months, I have truly seen the N come out in this man. I wish I had recognized it so so much sooner. I let this man take so much away from me, hurt me so much, and make me feel like I was losing my mind. I sacrificed so so so much for him, and he didn't even know it or care.

Some more of his behaviors I have recognized in the past 18 months:
-Could not get along with coworkers. Admitted to me that his boss's boss "hates him" and refuses to work with him.
-Would tell me I was "unattainable"--when in reality it was him was unattainable
-Would never admit to dating other women while we were sleeping together; always told me it was none of my business
-One minute he would be depressed and lonely because he had no friends. The next, I would ask him what his plans were and he would blow up, telling me that he had friends who were girls and he was going to go out with them and I have to accept that. What do I want him to do, wait on me?
-N never was interested about my friends or family or my life. I'd mention friends names and have to explain who they were over and over again. When I'd say I was going to Atlanta, he'd always ask why (my family lives there)
-Would never apologize for anything. Would only say "I'm sorry you are hurting." Would never say "I'm sorry I hurt you." NEVER.
-Left me broken down in the middle of a busy intersection in the middle of the summer. I had picked him up from lunch, and he jumped out of the car and walked back to work while I sat in 98 degree heat waiting on someone to help me push the car out of the road.
-Self-proclaimed "car snob", "coffee snob", and "beer snob"; only shopped at the most expensive stores downtown, owned a car he couldn't afford, and paid more for a haircut than I did
-constantly wanted his looks validated. Does my hair look too gray? Should I color it? Does my hair look good grown out longer? Is this under eye circle cream working?"
-Never once did I get complimented. Not once, except in bed. I could walk in feeling the most confident I'd ever felt in my life,a nd I wouldn't get a second glance from him. It shattered my heart everytime.
-IRS is in constant contact with him; he owes them money
-Can't understand why he has to pay taxes; gets angry when the communicate with him
-Gets parking tickets once a week for knowingly parking in residential parking (where he doesn't LIVE!); gets enraged when he gets them and feels like he is being treated unfairly
-Admitted to dating a girl at work just so that she would give him her parking pass to park closer to his office
-Other than me and the new OW, only dated doctors, physician assistants, and psychiatrists
-When I was around, he'd always have his phone facing down so that I couldn't see who was calling or texting him.
-Told his ex that he couldn't be "in a relationship" with her on FB becasue he didn't want "everyone knowing his business"
-Extremely moody. Can switch from silly with a bizarre sense of humor to rage to pouting. I called him "Eeyore" in the beginning because he always sounded so pitiful.
-Would play the ignoring game for days and weeks at a time. When I would beg him to talk to me, profess my love, give him every reason in the world to talk to me or just tell me WHY he wasn't talking to me, I got absolutely no response. Until he decided to talk to me that is, and it would be some kind of sexual text or email, as if nothing had happened.
-Keeps telling me (currently) to "fix" myself as if I am broken. I am the entire problem, and if I could just "fix" it we'd all be ok.
-Tells me "focus on you"--right. If I focused on me, he'd flip.
-Always claimed to be broke, but would always have new things. Refused to use coupons.
-Most books on his bookshelf are sex related, how to please a woman in bed, etc.
-No face to face contact during sex, and afterwards, always jumped up, got dressed, and started talking about the latest south park episode or something as if nothing happened and I wasn't a human being with emotions
-Admittely never dates women his age or older; claims only younger women are attracted to him
-Friends seem to come and go...one week he's hanging out with one friend constnatly, the next he says he hasn't talked to him in a while. Claims all of his friends have "issues". They randomly disappear from his life it semes.
-If we argue, he tells me that he is not "getting sucked into another argument" with me...just another way to justify ignoring me.
-Would never initiate contact with me unless he wanted to see me--always on his time. I had to be at his beck and call always, and if I wasn't I got yelled out and accused of ignoring him. But he couldn't do this to me becasue I was married and it's irrelevant if I want to see him.
-works in IT and has customer service calls; he speaks to people as if they are stupid; extemely condescending and demeaning.
-When I was idealized, he would tell me I was his favorite (of all his women, I assume) and call me "doll" (my favorite nickname he called me). I haven't heard it in the last 6 months.

The last D&D was about 2 months ago. After four weeks of him ignoring me and after repeated obsessive texts, calls and emails from me begging to talk to me, he randomly responds with "sure, we can talk." I realized then I have to get off this ride. I needed closure and I needed answers because I was hurt beyond belief and could not stand this pain any longer. He asks me to come over...I opened up to him with every emotion, told him everything I've felt in the last 3 years, poured every little thing out of my heart and soul. Begged him to tell me if he had a new girlfriend (new pics were on facebook, so I knew, but I just wanted him to admit it). He told me that none of my words mattered because I was married and anything I said or felt was irrelevant because of that. He told me that he did have a new OW, and I felt some sort of relief. And one last shatter to my broken heart, he told me that he missed me and I ended up in his bedroom. I said no over and over, and while he acted like he might stop, he didn't--he was extremely aggressive and continued to go on even after he saw and heard me crying during it all. It was horrible. I got up, got dressed and told him it was the last time I'd see him. I felt like trash. He felt nothing.

I haven't seen him since then. I started therapy again last week and shared with her everything I was learning about narcissism. She said that that she always suspected he had a PD...and my thoughts and feelings were finally validated by someone who mattered. For once I didn't feel crazy. I feel sad, for so many reasons. Now, I'm educating myself about this, attending therapy regularly, and learning to take care of myself. I haven't established NC for any amount of time other than a few days but then he calls. Today he called and all of that pain and hurt and anger came back, so I know what it is goign to keep feeling like each time it happens. I want out from under his spell because I have a husband who I am so blessed to have--we are working on things slowly but surely and we will hopefully continue to do so. I know this N cannot be in my life for that to happen, and I cannot be myself until he is gone. I want myself back and I want my life back where it is supposed to be.

I know my story is different, and it may just sound to some of you like I was just cheating, but the truth is, this man is an N and I got so wrapped up in him that I lost myself and lost sight of what I was doing to myself, my family, my friends, and my health. These people can make you feel like an absolute queen and then make you feel like the dirtiest piece of trash...even if you think you have the love of your life with you, Ns can manipulate their way into your heart and make you feel as if you are absolutely losing your mind. I'm ready to get mine back!