Sunshineahead's Story

Hello All,

My story began over twenty four years ago when I met a man who I fell in love with....No fairytale ending here... Looking back, I see now that I was not in a "healthy place" and should not have been involved with anyone....I had just broken off a relationship with another finacee and was feeling lonely....Hence, I was essentially the perfect "source" for my N.

My N and I dated for a little over three years. There were times of absolute joy...and then there were the times of complete confusion and pain. All would be going so well...and then he wouldn't call or wouldn't show up for a date...bizarre behavior that made no sense to me (at the time!!!) ...but I would make rational excuses for him. After all, he was handsome, funny, extremely intellegent...The man I wanted to marry! I endured the times of tears and anxiety believing that once we were married life would be blissful....(You know the story!)

Yes...We finally married in 1991...And things went downhill rather than up. We had planned a honeymoon to Negril and we had a discussion about scuba diving. I love to snorkel but told my husband that I was not at all interested in scuba diving. He said that he understood...Until, of course, we were on our honeymoon and he badgered me constantly to dive with him...BIG RED FLAG!!! This was a selfish man...but I was in DENIAL...

The story continues with HUGE highs and EXTREME lows throughout our marriage of almost 21 years...We had three wonderful children (who I see that he is very jealous of!) and we moved from state to state four different times...(I now understand that this is very typical of an N who wants to cut off your resources of family/friends/church...And also typical for an N who has difficulty getting along with people from work and becoming bored with his job/surroundings. When they no longer feel they are getting "supply" they leave! The children and I always cried for days when we moved away...There was NO emotion from the N)

We have been in and out of counseling since the first year of our marriage...I always "knew" something was not "right" but could never name the problem. My N is an expert on keeping me off balance and using many varied tools from his arsenal to play mind games with me....He would constantly critique me, have occasional fits of rage over silly things, not "be there" when I needed him, etc...And yet there were still times that were "normal". I am a strong Christian and I believed in my marriage..I believed that if I could just discover what I could do better, pray harder, etc...All would finally be well...Oh, delusional one!!!

Flash forward to this past year. We went on a wonderful family vacation last August and he had several bouts of rage during the trip that stressed everyone out. When we returned from the trip there was some extreme tension about relationships between my N's family and I...And, of course, he took the side of his family (I have discovered that my N husband will always play the role where he can look like the "hero" and get the most supply! Loyalty/Love...What is that?!)

Anyway, our fighting escalated one day to the point where he was screaming that I was an abuser and how much I had hurt and betrayed him (PROJECTION) I decided to go for a ride to get some peace..He followed me out to the car and tried to force his way in...I rolled my window down part way and said I would not get out but that I would talk to him from the safty of the car. He then went to front of the car and threatened to let the air out of my tires...My youngest son came out to see what all the yelling was about and my husband realized he was being monitored..So instead of letting out the air in my tire he went and stood behind my car so I could not back out...He stood there for several minutes, finally grew tired of not getting any reaction, and left to go into the house. Once my husband left, I asked my son if he would like to go for a ride with me to get away from the house for awhile...He did not have on shoes but I assurred him we were just going for a ride. He chose to come with me.. We began to drive down our long driveway and were shocked when the rear passenger door opened...My husband had gone in to get his keys and was now trying to force his way into the car...The look on his face was scary and my son instructed me to "floor it , Mom"..I did and my son reached back to close the door. We continued down our road and turned onto the next street. We were about four miles from home when I saw my husband flying up behind us in another family car. My son and I believed his intent was to run us off the road.

We drove immediately to the police station and filed a police report/restraining order. He was arrested and had to leave our home. We continued to counsel and I believed that we were making progress...Though he insisted that I was evil and that I had plotted against him with a lawyer and my friends and planned to have him arrested to get a good alimony settlement!!! ( I was shocked and could not understand this thinking at the time...I now realize that N's plot / lie and do horrible things and assume that everyone else does the same..More projection)

In January he let me have a bombshell...He confessed to several infidelities, including sex with a shemale...(I had no idea what this was and was in complete shock/denial...I now understand N's have extreme sexual addictions and NO attachment - Madonnna/Whore syndrome) He insisted that he was having medical problems and did not understand why he was acting this way ...He said he wanted to heal and to save our marriage..I believed him...So...We continued to counsel...I saw no signs of true remorse and, instead, found his anger and criticism increased.

In September I discovered that he was cross dressing!!!!!! REALLY!!! ...I was COMPlETELY shocked!!! What was NEXT? I jokingly asked him if I was going to discover that he was a murderer...SCARY...I really feel I am an excellent candidate for the show "Who the bleep did I marry?!!!" I began to do a LOT of research and I now understand that this Cross Dressing is the "crux" of a N...They are their own "true love" above all others...When I confronted him with what I knew, he did admit it and again asked for help...I tried AGAIN...However, this time I am finally "on to him"..I see who he is very clearly...I believe God can change people...He is seeking help...I just do not see a lot of depth or sincerity and, of course, he still puts all of the blame for ALL of his actions/choices on me! If he is ever going to recover, he has a LONG way to go!

Two weeks ago he went into a rage again. This time I went for the phone as he was smashing things...He came after me, ripped the phone out of my hands/wall and ended up hitting me in the face with it...Lots of blood...I do not believe it was his intention to hurt me..But it WAS his intention to bully/control/scare me ..Sadly, my youngest son was with us again and witnessed this entire interaction. Not something I would wish for any child!!! I called the police and he was arrested again...Court is next week...Who knows what will happen this time!

So, after almost 21 years of marriage I have filed for divorce. It is painful, especially for my children, and scary - I have been an unemployed teacher for 1 1/2 years! However, I am finally at peace. All of the crazy things finally are making sense and I feel sorry for him. I do not know what the future holds but trust God to lead me as I go through the grieving process and begin to live a new life! My hope is that there will be much more education in this area and that there will be others who do not suffer through so many lost years of pain but who will instead discover the truth early on and leave the N to find real joy in their lives! May joy and peace fill each one of our hearts!