joolsy's story

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#1 Oct 23 - 6PM
joolsy
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joolsy's story

I have just discovered my partner is a narcissist after a 5 year relationship. We met at work, both married, I really didn't find him attractive at first, and ignored him for a year.

I was in an abusive relationship, and finally relented s he was so charming, constantly txting, e-mailing to say I was wonderful, loved spending time with me, couldn't imagine his life without me etc etc. All telecons, txts ended with I love you, and loads of kisses. I had never experienced anything like it. He worshipped the ground I walked on.

I should have seen the signs. He could be moody, grumpy, snap at me for no reason, cancel dates, weekends at the last minute with no excuse. He was jealous of other people's success, and though he was superior at work, In fact, no-one got on with him at all, other than female clients. I reminded myself, he is different out of work!!!

We saw each other a lot, he couldn't get enough of me. I separated from my husband, and he came round to my house a lot, staying 2/3 times a week. We booked dinners, holidays, theatre. We had the same interests, could talk for hours, and the sexual chemistry between us was amazing.

Early in our relationship we went to the USA for 2 weeks on business. We had a lot of free time so went sightseeing etc. On our 2nd last day he was really horrible to me, snapping, and refusing cuddles etc. I was devasted, it was like a different person. What had happened to the person I loved and loved me??

I was on a separate flight home, and cried all the way. I didn't hear from him for a few weeks then yep, he contacted me, apologised, bought me a gift then it was back to normal. He was always saying "I'll make it up to you"

This year I decided I wanted commitment. I wanted a proper relationship, and to meet his family, and friends (he had met all mine). He went on holiday this summer with his family, and I said it would probably be the end when he returned as I needed to move on. He txtd me every day on holiday, saying he missed me loads. When he returned, he said that he realised he needed to be with me, and loved being with the kids, but had no relationship with his wife, and couldn't see a future with her. He said that she knew he was unhappy (typical narcissist blaming his unhappiness on someone else). This is a cheater, liar, had an affair (someone before me, and I am sure someone after), and he blames his wife for his unhappiness!!!

He wrote her a letter telling her his feelings, and said he wanted to move in with me. I was so excited as I never thought it would happen. He bought a bottle of champagne, we celebrated by going out for a nice dinner. He brought so much stuff round to mine we had to buy furniture the next day. We were getting on so well. He said happy anniversay to me the following week, and we planned a weekend away. He was talking about our plans for Xmas, and next year. I was in heaven...... then a week later he was distant one evening, looking at me as if I was an alien, withdrawing affection. He had a cold, so put it down to that. We left for work together, and I sent him a txt, rang, no response. He called me later that afternoon to say he wouldn't be home when I arrived back from work. He had gone back to his house got the car, and moved all his belongings out, posting his key through the door. He left me a short note to say he missed the kids, and needed to see them, and although he loved me deeply he had to do this. Two weeks!!! he's on business longer, and he was planning to see the kids over the next 2 days. He was ony a weekend dad anyway, so felt this was an excuse.

His wife has accepted him back, I met him a few days later to tell him he had left me devasted, but he has still not given me an answer so I have not had closure. He said he decided to go back (yep thinking of himself). So, if he missed the kids, why did he leave home, if he wanted to stay why did he confess his affair to his wife, and why did he move in with me if he wasn't 100% sure??? All those thoughts are going through my head, and I have not eaten/slept for weeks. It is only through counselling that I am beginning to heal, and realise who I was dealing with. Reading your stories has helped me greatly, there are so many nasty men out there, we are all victims, and we need to get rid of them. It's them that need help. I also downloaded Lisa's e-book which has been a great healer.

Thankyou. We are only here once, and deserve the best in our lives. I never want to have anything to do with him ever, and good luck to whoever has him next.

Oct 24 - 11AM
joolsy
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Lesson Learnt

Thankyou for your support, as you say time will heal. I just want to get him out of my head, and am constantly thinking about the good times we had that outweighed the bad times. Normally a relationship ends when you have had enough of each other, not getting along, or big argument, not when two individuals are getting along so well, that's why it is so hard to accept what has happened. I do remember that if I tried to cancel a date or finish our relationship he was so distraght saying that it would leave a big void in his life, the pain would not disappear, and his life had no meaning without seeing or talking to me again. So why all this ....... I will never understand. The only thing I do understand, however is I am better off without him.
Oct 26 - 9AM (Reply to #5)
DLP75
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I understand

I totally understand your comments. My narc and I are in our early to mid 50's, so I thought also that after 9 years, at our adult ages, that if there ever was a final break up (she broke up many times in those years just to reel me back), we would discuss concerns like adults do when deciding if it's over, or we wanted to stay together and loved each other enough for counseling. Aphone call, a couple texts, and she was gone. I have to keep reminding myself that she is "dating" as if a teenage girl would. I see something better over there, so no big deal if I dump the one I'm with, never thinking about any kind of feelings. It's real hard, but if you haven't already get Lisa's book and do what she say's when it comes to writing a journal. After writing down everything I put up with that I didn't see while "in love", I can't even believe I spent 9 years with her. I should have been out at two at the most. Hang in there, and it's good you know you're better off without him.
Oct 24 - 11AM (Reply to #4)
Hunter
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They are disordered.. The

They are disordered.. The last time I saw my narc we were very close.. Mission accomplished., he pulled the rug from under me.. Silence is his weapon.. It's been a year. I no longer try to figure it out.. He's a sick predator who will continue to cause distraction .. But I can tell you I will never be backed into a corner like that again. A year from now you'll feel the same! Hunter
Oct 24 - 8AM
Hunter
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Ugh!!! Welcome.. NC is your

Ugh!!! Welcome.. NC is your healer!! Hunter
Oct 24 - 2AM
Tigerlily
Tigerlily's picture

Welcome to the forum!

I had very similar experiences with my narc, who even bought a house for us to live in together and then blamed me because he was so far from his work and his kids. Like you, I was constantly asking myself why he moved in with me, only to change his mind. I think narcs are very impulsive when it comes to getting new supply, and can turn very nasty or very cold once they`ve got it. A little like an amoeba "expanding" to absorb food, and then "contracting" once they`ve absorbed it. I think it´s almost organic with them - not much brain and zero empathy involved. Trying to understand them is a pretty pointless exercise, since they aren`t wired the same way as normal people are. Try to break the habit of obsessing. I know it`s difficult, but obsessing will wear you out and may be the reason that you aren`t eating or sleeping much. You may be suffering from cognitive dissonance, in which case therapy could help. Psychic chord-cutting exercises helped me a lot. Learn as much about the disorder as you can and stay close to the forum. Concentrate on healing, get out with friends, do things that make you feel good. It`s baby steps at the start, first five minutes when you aren`t obsessing, then ten, then an hour, then six hours, then a day and so on. It takes time, Joolsy! But trust yourself to heal, and you will. Thinking of you. Tigerlily