Blythebloo's story

I have a 2 1/2 daughter with a narcissist. She is the only good thing that came out of that relationship. Granted I got pregnant a month and a half into the relationship and it was still in the "honeymoon" stage. I was completely unaware and oblivious to anything, I worshipped him and he and the impending baby was all I could focus on. I look back now and wonder why I waited 3 months to go out with him, and why I was turned off by our very first conversation (he never let me get a word in). Why did I still go out with him? Why didn't I flinch or wonder why all he talked about was himself or his crazy exes and girls he called stalkers? Or when I told him I was pregnant he doubted the paternity because I got knocked up the day after I returned from a vacation in south beach with some girlfriends. His excuse for questioning his sperm placement was "I know how I would act if I were on a vacation like that." He assumed I was banging the cabana boy. The sex was great. Too great. So much that sex was the only way to feel close to him. During the pregnancy he told me loved me, went to a few appointments with me, when it came time to find out the sex of the baby he came along but when told we were having a girl he pouted for 2 days and did not talk to me. He had hoped for a boy since he already had a 3 year old daughter with "a crazy ex who stopped taking her birth control pills to trap him". My oldest son put the crib together and my mom went car seat shopping with me. Things were so so through the holidays then a month before my daughter was born he flipped on me. His other daughter mama started calling at odd hours of the night, stories were not jiving, she was emailing me stating him and her were just "friends". Then there was a weekend where he wanted time "alone" where I later found out through a pathetic journal account that the "alone" time was spent screwing his other daughters mama while I layed in bed at home alone just 6 weeks before giving birth fretting about what I did to deserve this "flip" from him.  After reading this journal entry describing his betrayal I was a devastated new mother, breast-feeding and was to be returning to work as a nurse on 12 hour shifts. Of course after I confronted him, he blamed me. Told me that my ex (I was married prior and had 2 boys who are now 15 and 13) contacted him as well as my mother and put crazy stories in his head about how the baby wasn't his and how I was a whore and that was his excuse for cheating. I received numerous long winded emails and texts apologizing and making excuse after excuse for why it happened and that he loved me and didn't want to lose our family we had created. 3 weeks later I took him back. Much to family's dismay. They tried to tell me. Even my 90 year Grandmother spoke up and said "Celeste, there is something not right with this guy." Shortly after we reunited his ex he had been screwing accused my youngest son of "touching" their daughter. He was 10 and she 3 at the time. My son was devastated. She took out a restraining order between the kids. It basically divided us big time. CPS got invloved, we went to court, we tried to prove the mother pulled this move to keep us from being together. Well it worked. My narcissist skipped out on the court hearing and in the process threatened my son indirectly through a text sent to me that "if he touches her again I will break his fingers off and shove them down you and (ex hubs) throat. The protective order was dropped, nothing ever happened between the kids. I told my ex about the text that was sent and he thought I should get a protective order between my son and my daughters dad the narc. I did. 2 weeks later we got back together and I then read another account in the dreaded journal how he had more ex sex while we were split. 3 months later and 2 protective orders later we split again. 2 weeks later a week before Christmas I drove by his house and found another ex at his house. This was an ex from over 10 years ago who he had casually ran into at the grocery the summer prior and had kept in contact with. I later found out they had been having an emotional affair while we were together and finally acted on it physically 2 weeks after we split. It was also that prior summer that I began to figure out what an incredible liar he was. I had never experienced so much chaos with one person in my life. The things I read in his journal, the messages he sent to people on his Facebook didn't match what I heard from his mouth. My family and friends pulled me aside and told me he was a monster, that they didn't recognize me when he was around. Meaning I didn't act myself and they noticed. He put me down. He put my family and my children down. I was basically allowing him to brainwash me and isolate me from a support system. I tried several times to get away. Even tried to persue other romantic relationships but couldn't progress because I was still stuck on the narc. We briefly got back together for a week right around the time my daughter turned one. Then we split for 5 months. He got a new girlfriend whom he was quick to brag about and show off. He would send me the "wrong" texts that were meant for her and I would get emails gloating about how much better she was than me and that he had told yet "everything" about our relationship. Apparently this girlfriend had money so she was offering to buy him a pricey vehicle if he got a vasectomy as well as a boat and other things. He weakened me with all these emails of relationship success with this woman so I broke down and told him I still loved him. Bad idea. We got back together again. He dumped the sugar momma and she dumped all his stuff on his lawn. Obviously she hadn't experienced his abuse yet and begged him not to go. Or so he said. Who do you believe??? That was exactly a year ago. Between then and now we have had the worst year together. We have broken up a dozen times or more. I moved in with him for 2 months only to impulsively move out during one of our numerous fights. Basically I found my voice and have been in self preservation mode. We fight so much because I speak up for ME. I do and say things he doesn't like. I dye my hair purple. I get a tattoo. I join a different gym other than his. I get my nose pierced. I go back on my 12 hour shifts at work.  I go to yoga class on Tuesday evenings. I even casually dated 2 guys which he found out about and as of right now cannot accept and accuses me now of cheating. We attempted to do couples counseling and that always ended in disaster. I left every session feeling more confused. My narc would twist everything I said and would point the finger at me telling the counselor I did the same thing. The counselors goal early on was to get us to stop fighting or at least lessen the intensity of the fights. Never worked. At our very last session I told the counselor that he had taken a piece of my self esteem away and I wanted it back. She looked at me with wide eyes and blatantly said "this goes much deeper than just fighting". I also went on to say to her as he sat next to me shocked, that he was someone I could never be friends with. He has no traits that I find friend-worthy. Our values do not match. I do not roll with liars or cheaters. Things went south after that session. He began to really distance himself. I panicked and Became needy and clingy. He put me down in front his family one last time.  I called him out on it.  A month ago he ended it. He claimed he was tired of fighting all the time and wanted to just move on. I was frantic. I begged him not to do it. Now I realize he did me a huge favor. I was not strong enough to do it myself. This was how it had to be. I had finally pulled his mask off, he knew this and he wanted out before I could show anymore people. I could no longer give him the narcisstic supply he had gotten from me before so he was done with me. The only supply I was giving him was the kind where I was seeing him for who he really is. I had him figured out. He liked all the attention I gave him, positive and negative. He likes the fights, he likes the chaos, he likes keeping his exes in his back pocket, he likes pitting his exes against each other, he likes putting ppl down, he likes feeling powerful. He dumped me so he could be free to find his next victim. Someone who will pity him when he shares his story about me and someone who will think he was just misunderstood and deep down does gave a big heart when he feeds them full of lies about his past. That same someone was ME almost 3.5 years ago. I look back at all the crap and wonder why the heck I did not see this. I get relief in knowing that everything was a lie. Now a month later of being free of him, the fog has lifted, I see things so much clearer now than ever before. The cloud of emotion is gone and all I have is my common sense. It is my common sense that tells me to stay far away from him. We share a daughter yes but that's all. He will never rule my life again. I have kept communication strictly about her and during the exchanges I am cordial and almost friendly to him. A new approach but it is not like me to be cold to anyone. He deserves it yes but I want to be happy and I am much happier with the little black rain cloud out if my life. If it shines through when he shows up to get his daughter then so be it. I'm not going to change ME for him anymore. I just hope and pray he doesn't come back around in attempt to mess with the sunshine I created.