Fears: Worst Case, He'll Lives Happily Ever After, or Should I Say, Best Case

Fears: Worst Case, He'll Lives Happily Ever After, or Should I Say, Best Case
5

Why is letting go so hard? I'm examining the fears that keep me mentally stuck in the insanity and that keep me from being present in my life. There's really nothing happening other than I'm coming back to earth, going through withdrawals and grieving the loss.

The best I can come up with today is that my biggest fear is that he'll move in with someone and live happily ever after...that his perfect prize is everything I am not. He is giving that person the attention that I wanted and never got and I will never be loved again. I might die alone, OMG. What will that mean to me...It could mean I wasn't good enough or I am lucky it wasn't me. It could mean whatever meaning I choose to give it.

Well, he did move in an OW and she must be real special since he always said he didn't want to live with anyone. She's getting the best of him and I got the whopper D & D and he will not talk to me. HE'S GONE FOR GOOD. The N is gone.

Reality is that I don't know what is going on with him. The facts are that I'm alone and I can begin to live my life or continue to wallow in the sh*t. I'm to the point I'm so sick of it all and I can literally hear the clock go tic toc, tic toc. Yesterday I missed class because I was so into reading this blog...maybe it's time to give it a rest...this recovery process is all consuming and in some ways, some of this keeps me stuck.

It hurts me knowing he is with someone else(s) but I must and will move on. N hurt me deeply and dished out nothing but misery from day one. He was a selfish SOB who cared about nobody...he once told me, "all I care about is money." If I look deeply at my fears, there's really nothing to fear except my twisted thinking. My fears were created very early on in life and N came along so I could make my fears come true and finally begin to dispute my twisted beliefs. I'm still alive and breathing. All this for a sadistic, selfish, heartless, deceiptful prick who thinks he's special. It's really really really time to move on.

Susan32's picture

"They won't last"

Whenever I've told my story, people have said, as a way of comforting me, that the ex-Psych prof and his girlfriend (now wife of a decade) wouldn't last. During the final D&D, my friends consoled me that his relationship with his girlfriend wouldn't last. They said the same thing when he married her after having twins.

Okay, let's stick to the FACTS. They've been married for a decade. My friends meant well, as did the people on the other forum. The intentions of those who consoled me were pure.

My happiness doesn't depend on whether the ex-P is still married (or not)
My happiness doesn't depend on being with him romantically&sexually
My happiness doesn't depend on him
My happiness depends on ME

If I had told the ex-P I wanted him&his girlfriend to last... he probably would've split out of spite. I can surmise this because I congratulated him on being engaged, and he was enraged. When I told him I was glad he had found someone, even if it weren't me, his response was FURIOUS. He snapped "Don't think about me! Focus on yourself", claimed I was imposing on him/violating his personal boundaries, and "don't bring me down to your level!"

In a twisted way, he did EXACTLY what I wanted to do... because I didn't tell him.

I have to remember how MISERABLE *I* was with him. In a way, the OW/wife/girlfriend is a side issue. I was unhappy with him, afraid to speak up for myself, afraid to be happy&humorous in his presence, afraid that he'd be cruel about my family if I brought them up, afraid of congratulating him&being affectionate with him.

Sofia Tolstoy spoke of how her husband Leo "restraining her spontaneous outbursts of love" when they hadn't been married that long (the ex-P idolized Leo Tolstoy);in "Anna Karenina",Tolstoy writes how Anna has "repressed vitality" in the presence of her cerebral Narc husband Alexei.

I had to repress my vitality around him. No way to live.

I had a difficult time with the ex-P in a teacher/student relationship. Would marriage have saved it? I doubt it.

Used's picture

tresor2

he will never live happily ever after ANYTHING....
they are never ever happy....their TRACK RECORDS TELL US THAT.....

Better than ever's picture

Here's my thoughts on the

Here's my thoughts on the subject.....

When I entered the Narc's life, he had just gotten out a 6 year relationship with a girl that appeared to be heartbroken, just like some of us are. When the Narc found out that we knew mutual people, he seemed distressed.....but why?????? I really should have questioned this.....the ex girlfriend had issues, granted, but HE was most of the problem......he was afraid for me to see this.....

So during our "honeymoon year" , she sat back in heartache and watched us on FB, etc.....she was very upset....

Then, two years later, I'm the one upset.....HE WILL DO IT TO EVERYONE.....the only difference is how much will she put up with and for how long???????

If it goes on for too long, he will break up with her....
we get tooooooo close!!!

So, either way, it will be "on again off again" or just another woman will replace.....

blueworld's picture

im only twenty days in

i read your post and find myself tearing myself apart thinking he is happier with this girl he is with and that he was only this way with me.

this is the process where the abuse really sinks in. its when we continue to abuse ourselves after they are gone. and keep the recorder playing inside our heads.

this is because all we wanted was to be loved, accepted, respected, cherished and treated kindly.

they break us apart so badly that we actually take the BLAME for everything that happened and went so horribly wrong

the truth is though that is because we are good people we have empathy a heart soul feelings and a capacity to love others deeply. these people do NOT have that and WILL not have that.

all they do is go from one relationship to another sucking everything they can out of it to fill their own selfish needs and since they have no remorse or empathy when that one is "broken" they find the next

this is not happyiness its sick, it is like the jar of hearts song. they are running around the world like it is a candy store taking and lying and manipulating to get what they want. and thats ALL they care about

there is no happy ending for these people
there is no love or joy or happyiness
there is destruction and leaving a huge mess behind

you cannot walk this earth taking what you want for too long

before the universe comes to you and says "about that tab you have been running"

remember this.... they move on from us because we are too strong to STAY DOWN and be used. they only disreguard the best ..

and anything said from them is meant to hurt. they have no use for us anymore once they find a new source of supply

that is ALL she is

tresor2's picture

Thanks Blueworld, beautifully written.

I really did abuse myself for so many years, thinking that I was 100% "the problem." Now, things are changing...he forced me to look inward and I'm finally getting to know who I am. I've carried many negative irrational beliefs about myself that began in early childhood. I'm finally able to think differently about myself, thanks to N.

Funny you mention the tab; he got killed big time financially by the real estate crash...Asked me to sell my house to help him out, LOL. He didn't think of asking how I was doing financially.

Intellectually, I get pathology; the last part of this process is the most difficult which is getting my emotional mind on the same track as the wise/rational minds. Almost there.

Susan32's picture

Land of Enchantment

For awhile after the final D&D, I WANTED to go back to New Mexico. I tried to get jobs back there;I tried to find ways to transfer there from Oregon. Now, I realize it was my subconscious desire for closure. I wanted to go back-just to be acknowledged.

In the past 11 years, I haven't been back to New Mexico... and moving to a particularly beautiful part of California killed that desire. I lost all interest. Whether or not I go back, I don't care. I have no plans to return.

The recent earthquake and wildfires there are God's way of saying it's not a safe place.

a65703's picture

Pretty much posted the same thing last week

"The best I can come up with today is that my biggest fear is that he'll move in with someone and live happily ever after...that his perfect prize is everything I am not. He is giving that person the attention that I wanted and never got and I will never be loved again. I might die alone, OMG. What will that mean to me...It could mean I wasn't good enough or I am lucky it wasn't me. It could mean whatever meaning I choose to give it."

This is what I am having trouble coming to terms with - the possibility or the thought that he is going to live happily ever after and me, I will be alone, lonely and never have anything good coming to me.

While I do not know if my N already replaced me, do not worry if he is having the greatest love affair with her, or anyone after her because he is only after SUPPLY. Short-term supply until someone else comes along. Because they can only "act" for so long until even the most co-dependent or "bird-brained" i.e. stupid, foolish GIRL, person comes to their senses, you know why because unlike Narcissists, we have other people in our lives who are not being "brainwashed" by an N and see the relationship from an outsider perspective!! Narcissists are stupid!!!

We will be OK! Good things are coming our way, because of karma!

ssm's picture

I find it interesting

that I told XN at the end of this, that he will not find a true fulfilling relationship or love. He may get some attention, but it wont last as soon as his mask slips. HE BLEW UP IN RAGE at that one! he never could handle the truth, thats why he resented me. I was destroying his stupid idealized fantasy.

IDIOT.

Stay NC NC NC!!! best thing ever!

tresor2's picture

These people bring us to say things and do things

we probably would have never done otherwise. I lashed out too and called him a psycho, evil, Lucifer and other things. My feeling was that he enjoyed seeing me suffer and act out from a place of pain. They are sadistic and any emotion we display, gives them power. It's funny, I know all of this but, there were times I could not control my emotions because I was so humiliated and frustrated.

Anytime they feel disrespected, look out. I'm working on staying NC...hope you maintain too.

Susan32's picture

They eat off of our anger

When I realized that, I REALIZED I could share my anger, my pain with my friends, my therapist, with my professors... but NOT with the ex-Psych prof. It got to me that he *ENJOYED* seeing my anger, so I decided to pretty it up, doll it up, make it look as harmless as that huge gift horse for the Trojans. Just say it's an offering for Athena.

When I KNEW he wanted me to call him the Devil, evil, spew hatred... then I did NOT say it... at least to his face. When I told him my friends/classmates hated him, his response was a huge, ecstatic grin. He fed off my rage, humiliation&frustration... so I was determined to starve him.

When I used my sense of humor on him, he felt powerless (he tried to kill it, but made my sense of humor more powerful beyond my wildest dreams)
When I was happy, he felt powerless.
When I happily wished him a Happily Ever After with his girlfriend, he RAGED.

I was no longer losing control in my presence... it was the other way around. It felt POWERFUL.

tresor2's picture

Sounds like you did

a good job of learning to control your reactions around him. It's the best way to deal with them, if you can do it. Acting, for me, has never been my specialty. I don't want to ever again be around anyone where it becomes hazardous to be myself. Stuffing feelings has caused me to to get physically ill...not worth it.

Susan32's picture

Why I could control reactions, to an extent...

The ex-Psych prof wasn't my boyfriend or my husband. I didn't have to come home to him. In my dorm room, I could cry myself to sleep, I could call my friends. I could only stifle myself so much. In a sense, my Narc workplace was WORSE (albeit I didn't fall in love with my openly gay Narc boss) because I dealt with it 8 hours a day.. or more.

I couldn't have dealt with the ex-P on an intimate basis. That's why I haven't gone to college reunions... it's not that I'm scared of the ex-P, but I'm not sure how *I* would react.

Dealing with the ex-P, I sublimated my anger into happiness... and VERY snarky humor.

Stifling feelings, in general, isn't healthy. That's why I've found things difficult with my mother (who suffered having a Narc father&Narc mother) In high school, my mother once angrily condemned me as immoral for writing a sad poem and expressing my feelings. Recently, my paternal grandmother died and my mother will say "Don't be sad." Isn't sad a NATURAL response to loss?

Done sourcing's picture

Me too tresor, I get

Me too tresor, I get physically ill, as if my energy is being sucked out of me...the vampire analogies are very apt.

ds

Done sourcing's picture

We can all get triggered,

We can all get triggered, that is for sure. Isn't it lucky that nc helps with so many facets of our recovery. I am the kind of person who always regrets it when I display anger, and of course frustration and humiliation can make me angry. I hate the way I feel after I react with anger. Not answering her calls or texts or emails isn't always easy, but i will never have to feel the regret of lashing back at her if I don't talk to her or listen to her in the first place.

I don't think mine was blatantly sadistic, its just that her extreme selfishness and lack of true empathy caused actions that looked sadistic. But she got pleasure from getting supply, not from inflicting pain...it was just a by-product.

ds

tresor2's picture

I've always regretted getting angry too,

because I was raised to keep my mouth shut and that my emotions/feelings were not worth hearing. The deal is that anger is natural, especially when dealing with narcs. Whenever I got angry and critized him or simply tried to talk to him about his abuse, he got mad and began ST so, for the longest, I took his shit w/o getting visibly mad. But towards the end, I let it all out, 8 years of stuff...and I felt good afterwards. It was like a cleansing of toxins. Have not heard from him since.

drcrnp's picture

Tresor, so true. After

Tresor, so true. After swallowing hurt and humiliation endlessly, there were occasions where I completely lost it. Screamed, cursed, cried. And yes it gave him Power. Power to give me the Silent Treatment, belittle me further, make me feel invisible, nonexistent.
It was always my fault, with no regard for the degrading treatment that precipitated my outburst.
Even though I've been doing somewhat better, remembering those times makes my blood boil.

Winter's picture

Dear Tresor

In your post I can read two fears: 1) to stay alone forever and 2) he is happy with ow and giving her everything you did not get from him.

Those two fears seem to be connected in your mind and you try to process them together. I understand where this false connection comes from. However, the truth is these are two separate issues.

I will try to logically prove it. All 4 scenarios are possible:

1. You will be alone AND he will be happy with ow
2. You will NOT be alone and he will be happy with ow
3. You will be alone AND he will NOT be happy with ow
4. You will NOT be alone and he will NOT be happy with ow

Do you agree that all these scenarios can take place? Do you agree that him being “happy” with ow has nothing to do with you meeting someone deserving of your love.
May I challenge you to try to break this connection? I understand that it hurts you that he moved with her. You feel it as a rejection, as you are not as good as her. Feel it, grieve it as long as you need. I can relate to this painful feeling. But it will fade with time if you don’t nurture it daily.

BUT, what I strongly disagree with is that this fact has any impact on your future happiness. This is wrong. There is no link. You can meet a very good man and be happy with him regardless of what the narcs experience with ow.

I will say that for you it is even better if he is “happy” with her. At least he leaves you alone and you don’t deal with his hovering. This way you are free to met and fall in love with someone else instead of being stuck with the disordered one.

Love

Winter

tresor2's picture

Thank you Winter,

love the way you've broken it down. Yes, all 4 scenarios are possible.

Let's say he is, in fact, happy with OW. I'm much better now but, before, my thinking around this was very self destructive. Because I thought of myself as faulty due to his rejections, I felt I was not deservant of anyone, plus I didn't want to be with anyone else. So therefore, my thinking about "him" is what KEEPS/KEPT me from ever being open to meeting anyone else.

I understand the disconnect you point out...my thinking is definately faulty...I really believed that his happiness is directly tied to my unhappiness.

The pain has definately eased with time and the grieving over many things has been going on for a while now. He hoovered for so many years but, would never allow it to go anywhere. He strung me along until he found someone. Oh well.

I do not believe he will be back and like you said, that's probably good for me. I'm older than most on this blog and finding someone at this point would be nice but, not a priority. The goal is taking care of me and being at peace and happy in whatever I choose to do. I don't know how to really enjoy myself and now I finally have the opportunity to learn and take charge of my life.

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond.

Hugs...

into the light's picture

Tresor, I'm older than most

Tresor, I'm older than most on the site too. Older but no wiser! My ex was 41 and I was 58 - so that should have been a HUGE, HUGE red flag waving right in my face, and I did challenge him time and time again about why he was with someone so much older. But he looked quite a bit older (plus balding and overweight!)and I'm tiny and have always looked younger than my age, so I thought, well maybe we can have a good relationship for now.

He said he loved me almost straight away, treated my home as his, and though it was several months before I said I loved him, I had allowed far too much to happen between us.

I knew, and I kept telling him, that the relationship could not last. But all the time I mistakenly thought that I was somehow in control. He pulled me in so deep and I did not realise how much I was under his spell, how much I was behaving out of character - letting things go that I would normally challenge right away.

When he suddenly did a disappearing act and then cheated on me I entered the hell we all know about.

I now feel I have aged noticeably in the last 6 months, and I'm finding that hard to cope with. Too much alcohol, not enough sleep, not enough healthy food, etc. So I feel he has robbed me of my well-being and violated my soul.

But I've been NC for nearly 3 months, and through the love of friends and family (I do know how fortunate I am for receiving total support from everyone that I have told) - and their great humour: aimed at his ridiculous posturing and fake personas - I am healing slowly.

Although there are so many bad days and nights still, the fog has cleared. I'm not sure if I can make it through to the other side where Thomas Sheridan says I will be better and stronger than ever before because I feel so depleted of my energy. But I'm not giving him victory. I'm rebuilding my life bit by bit. And I haven't yet given up hope of a normal relationship.

I read somewhere that psychopaths come into your life because your life is not full enough, hence I'm focusing on how to enrich my life on every level. (OK, that's in between having bad thoughts about making a voodoo doll, etc - strange how they awaken such atavistic impulses in us, but I do find the witchy urge to retaliate psychically a touch empowering!...)

I spent a lovely day yesterday with a male friend, someone I've known for 20 years (so I know absolutely he is not disordered), and kept noticing all the time how sweet and different he was from fruitcake man. Not sure what happens next ...

And because I had been feeling low my daughter and her boyfriend had come to stay to keep me company for a couple of days this week, when they probably had nicer things to do. Real love here, not fake friends or fake 'connecting', which is all he has in his bizarre world.

Maybe we should see NC as active, not passive. Something to choose to reverse the spell.

Here's hoping, and trusting to karma, that not even his mother and their creepy relationship can save him from crashing and burning, although no doubt he will hurt many more women before that happens.

Winter's picture

You are very welcome, Tresor

You are right, your hapiness IS NOT tied to his hapiness/unhapiness NOR to what he is doing, with whom he is living, etc...

In the past, when you allowed him to have a relationship with you, he had a chance to make you happy. He failed. He HAS NO ability to make YOU happy. The rest does not really matter.

It is amazing you are learning to enjoy yourself. However, it is not good to deny our wishes. If having a good partner is your wish, you don't need to force yourself to think otherwise. After all, it is a natural wish of many people, almost everyone I know. It does not make you needy if you want to have someone to share your time with.

Maybe it is not easy to find someone deserving to be your partner, but it is not impossible in any age. There are plenty of lonely men who wish to have a good company too.

If you know that this is what you want, I think you should work in this direction. You don't have to "convince" yourself that you are better alone if this is not what you feel.

I might be wrong, but I believe that the real "link" you have is "being happy and whole = having a good boyfriend". And it is perfectly ok for me. I don't really buy into complete self-sufficiency and total independance.

Currently for you "being with someone" is stronly associated with him. This is why, I believe, everytime you feel insatisfied (inconsiously) because you do not have a good company, your mind start thinking about him.

That's being said, I think it is important for you to distinguish between your insatisfaction of feeling lonely and your afternarc pain. It is important because while you cannot do anything about the narc, you can do a lot to get your wishes met.

Love

Winter

tresor2's picture

Finding inner peace and being

happy and whole is really what all of this is about. I would love nothing more than to find a partner and I know the success of any healthy relationships stems from one's ability to love ourselves first. Nobody is responsible for my happiness but me.

You raise a really good point... "it is important for you to distinguish between your insatisfaction of feeling lonely and your afternarc pain." That is so true...when I get lonely, I think of him and in the past, those are the times I would break NC. The afternarc pain is basically gone and the lonely feelings are really not about him; they're my issues; the same stuff I've struggled with forever. The grieving is about all of it.

Things are slowly getting better...I'm so glad he's stopped "playing." The reality of what happened is so clear now.

Thank you, Winter.

Susan32's picture

"They won't last"

I remember during the final D&D, my friends tried to reassure me saying that the ex-Psych prof&his girlfriend wouldn't last. They thought it would comfort me. Whenever I told my story, I'd be told "if he lied about his girlfriend, I doubt they'd still be together." Everybody gave the ex-P&his girlfriend a shelf life shorter than cottage cheese. Because it takes awhile for cottage cheese to become nasty moldy.

Guess what? The ex-P and his wife have been together for the past decade. They didn't break up, as was predicted.

And here's where it boils down to ME.
If the ex-P were single, would I want him? NO.

For my emotional health, I do NOT stake my healing on whether or not his relationship with his wife lasts. After all, Leo&Sofia Tolstoy were married for 48 years(!!!)

Here is the Crowning Moment of Awesome&Irony... I'm actually HAPPY he&his wife have lasted a decade. I remember how the ex-P raged when I told him that he&his girlfriend were meant for each other, that they were compatible, congratulating him on being engaged... yes, I MEANT it. I told him "I'd rather you be happy with her than UNHAPPY with me."

Yes, quite a way to undo triangulation by saying "I want you two to have Happily Ever After!" Even he told me to quit romanticizing his relationship with her. So I made it more romantic than Fabio on Harlequin Steroids.

I'm happier WITHOUT him than I was with him. If I had married him a decade ago... I'd be a wreck.

Journey's picture

Tresor2

I think you already know what I am about to say, but I'll remind you again.

You are so much better off that you did not move in with him - trust me!

It may seem all wine and roses but it is NOT! His current woman is NOT getting 'the best of him', the 'worst of him is more like it, because narcs are incapable of emotional attachment and true love bonding.

Don't let yourself forget that! In the early days after my exN left and took up with ow I thought the same things, had the same fears...

In time I saw that he did not change his narc ways for her, he was not living happily ever after with her and he cruelly discarded her too when he found new supply eight months later.

I spent way too much time during those months post break up obsessing about him being in love with her, happier because she was somehow more deserving or 'better' than I was. As it turned out, that obsessing only delayed my own healing and was for naught, because it was simply NOT the reality.

It IS time for you to move on - from the negative self talk, from thinking you were not 'enough', from believing there is an ounce of normalcy within him.

A narc is NOT normal and as much pain as you feel now, living with him would have made your pain and recovery THAT much harder - trust me, I was there and know how the power dynamic shifted - all in HIS favor.

NOT a good thing to experience. Be glad you have your emotional freedom now to move forward without him. You can and WILL be happier for it!

tresor2's picture

Thanks Journey, I appreciate

all your support. I feel like I'm coming out of my self-inflicted prison, finally. This OW thing is difficult to deal with but, there's actually a part of me that knows he would have destroyed me, had I moved in (or I'd be in prison for homicide). I think I'm at the point where I had my last few stutters and now I'm ready to fly. He's done me a huge favor via the D & D and ignoring.

I started 3 new careers since retiring and I thank the N experience for motivating me. I also beat breast cancer. There's a book or two in the making too. I feel a lot better today; just went into a dark place the last week.

I know it's over and I know he will not be back. That's closure and now I can move on and let go. We all heal at our own pace and I was the slowest of the slow but it's never too late.

Have a great rest of the weekend.

Journey's picture

That is great that you beat

That is great that you beat breast cancer - excellent news!

Yes, we do all heal at our own pace and please don't think I think you are moving too slow. I just remember those early days after being discarded and him immediately taking up with ow too well.

I've been out over 2 years now and have had a lot of time to reflect upon the actual damage caused to me by my relationship with N and the confusion I was in for a long, long time.

You are right, it is never too late to heal and as long as we do consciously keep moving forward, we WILL ALL get to a better narc-free place :)

tresor2's picture

I never dreamed evil people like this

exist but now, I'm a firm believer in evil. I sometimes wonder where I'd be had I not met the last lunatic. I'm truly grateful that he helped me hit bottom because by doing so, he propelled me to do things that I would have never done otherwise. I'm just now reflecting on the damage he caused me and my family and I have a hard time coming to terms with the fact it was me playing a role in it. I definately lost it.

The good news is you have two years out and I'm working on several months (1 text slip), and it feels pretty good.

indenial's picture

i could have written this post !

Thanks for sharing this. I am having exactly the same thoughts as you your last bit sums him up perfectly. That's all he is. Thinks he's special but we've seen what lies beneath and it aint nothing special. Remember we can doubt it but we know what they are inside and they are truly ugly. I've dipped in and out of the board because I've thought at times it was taking over my life or sometimes reading the reality was just too scary and made me desperately want to believe that he wasn't like that. But in truth this board has been my life saver. I wouldn't have come this far without it. So ok I rely on it 24 7 at the moment. I fall asleep with my phone in my hand reading or posting and as soo as I open my eyes I read the email updates and I'm straight back on the board. It may be obsessing but I'm going to obsess anyway. This board gives me clarity and support. Its painful to read some of it because I know its true but I have to do it. My only panic I have as I'm in early recovery is that soemtimes when I read a post from someoene who's months or years in recovery and still not fully recovered it scares me because I want and need this over asap. The thought of feeling like this or obsessing like this for months or years is enough to make me give up and curl up in a ball and admmit defeat. But then I read a positive, enspiring and enlightening post and I feel better. I also find that when I reach out to support others on here it helps me too. We are all in the same boat. Some variations but I see this board as a giant hug and I need that right now. Be strong. She will get the same treatment in the end sadly for her. My biggest fear is that he's going to have that perfect relationship that he's looing for with someoene else but realistically will he ? I doubt it very much. Yes for a while he may fool another woman but its too difficult for them to keep up the pretence for too long and that poor woman will be devastated and confused as we all were. I wouldn't wish that feeling on my worst enemy !

tresor2's picture

Indenial, try not to compare

your recovery to anyone elses. You will heal at your own speed; it's not a competition. Some women have been with several abusers and that makes recovery more difficult. The stories are all different.

Sometimes I too feel that the board is triggering me but, isolating and not talking about it is worse. The board helps more than it hurts. Recovery is a huge process and there are some wonderful people on this blog to help us through it.

The other day, I was so obsessed with this blog that I forgot about class and missed it. I'm definately easing up for a while.

So glad you're doing well and that you found this board. None of this is easy but, with perseverence and commitment, we can regain our freedom.

Sea's picture

Tresor its because

You love him very much and very deeply with all your heart. I know how it feels it.

We can love and they cant. You are aware of who he is and have all the knowledge in your brains. However your heart finds it hard to let go. Slowly my dear friend. I am taking small steps as well. At times my heart flood with lost love and grieve as well.

Let it go slowly, we can do it. Hugs

Syren66's picture

First of all, you have

First of all, you have amazing insight even in the fog that envelops you after a recent split. You state your fears, but counter them with really strong intellectual evaluation...that is no easy feat and tells me that you're moving through this in a very healthy way, which means you're going to emerge a much stronger and wiser person. I'm 45...you're probably much younger than I and I would give anything to have the my current level of wisdom in my 20's...or 30's even! :D

For what it is worth, he is projecting the illusion of happiness...his relationship with this OW is a train wreck...it's called 'rebound'...you did have a profound impact on his life if he's willing to over commit to some new person so quickly.

Look, REAL, DEEP and MEANINGFUL relationships take a long time to develop...sometimes, years. There is no fast-track for that. Feel for this other woman...she is very unfortunate to have crossed his path, for she is in for a lot of pain.

Best wishes to you! :)

tresor2's picture

Hi Syren, I've been doing

a lot of reflecting and philosophying lately...it helps me gain perspective. No, I'm much older than you and I wish I would have starting thinking like this years ago but, that was not my destiny.

It's impossible to develop anything meaningful with N's. I tried for 8 years and each year was progressively worse. The more I stood up to him, the worse it got. The clouds are finally starting to lift. I have not seen him for one year and last talked to him, 4 months ago. He was a horrible, horrible experience.

Thanks for your support...I really needed it.

Syren66's picture

I see mine from time to time

I see mine from time to time and am tested at every turn, but it's also a good gauge as far as my personal progress. I moved in August 2010...there has been contact, since we have a shared interest that lands us at the same place, many times, out of state. I set boundaries for myself very early on after the split and have maintained them, no matter how charming he tries to be. I've recovered even with that contact and feel absolutely nothing for him other than total indifference...that was put to the test a month ago when he showed up at a tournament he knew I'd be at with his new girlfriend. I couldn't possibly have cared less. I did leave however, as I refused to deal with whatever drama he had planned for the evening...the event became about him and not about the reason for my being there and so I left. I think I was the only one who wasn't weirded out by the situation, since many of our mutual friends were in attendance and were clearly uncomfortable with what he was doing. Then again, I know what he's all about...they don't. But I think they're starting to get the picture.

I hope you reach that place in your life when you can think of your ex and feel absolutely nothing...not hate, not anger, not love, not sadness....just....nothing. Then you'll know you're in a good place.

thanks for reading and hang in there! xoxo

rosedewittbukater's picture

Tresor

I think you and I are really in the same place.
This helped me in the struggle with "he seems happy".
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/narcissist-victims-syndrome-survivor...
Anyway, I think about the forum sometimes and wonder, like you and some others "is it keeping me stuck". But I also realize it is keeping me strong. Be kind to yourself. Put a timer on or set your phone alarm so you don't miss class again! xx, Rose

Sea's picture

Thanks Rose

A v good article to remind us they are not going to change. I can imgine what he would do and say to new woman exactly the same he to me. No thanks i dont want really. But from afar i still miss him and grieve for lost of dreams.

tresor2's picture

Thank you Rose,

very good article...I think I've read just about everthing Sandra Brown has written. I do "get" pathology and understand hardwiring but, there's still a small part of me that blames me because I didn't deal with him in a more skilled manner. Isn't it amazing how strong the emotional part of our brain is...even with facts, it can sometimes override our intellectual brain.

And who cares at this point...he's gone for good and I'll never hear from him again...and my life goes on...Like I said, I'm really ready to be done with this phase of my life. All I lost was a fantasy, a wish or an illusion.

Hugs

drcrnp's picture

OMG I so relate, even though

OMG I so relate, even though I'm so much older than you. He destroyed me with D & D. Moved on without a backwards glance. Left me doubled over and bleeding. Now he's living with the OW. Living happily ever after. The rejection, the sexual jealousy, the horrible curiosity, imagining her in the house where I stayed, in that bed, with "our" dog (heartbroken over that dog!!) -all so painful.
But I offer a ray of hope. NC 3.5 months. Dated but it was empty, just "going through the motions." The pain was too all-consuming. Somehow it has abated. As it ebbed, I slowly recognized the kind and loving attentions of a good man who has stood by me all summer. He is a friend of a dear friend (who I met via the N! so there was a reason!). I couldn't appreciate this new companion until my head got a bit straightened out. I'm surely not 100% yet but now I can think of the N and his new woman and it doesn't kill me. It hurts, or maybe just aches a bit, but it passes. I thank this group, and my closest friends. My mind is occupied with life, my work, books, music, and this gentle sweet protective man who is patiently standing by. I never would have thought in a million years that this could happen. So, take heart.

tresor2's picture

Drcrnp

I doubt that you're much older than me, LOL. I know, the experience is torcher...I should have left 8 yrs ago...the red flags and even his blatent statements were there from day one.

Congrats on the 3.5 months of NC. The pain does cease and all that's left are memories, and then the realty hits...I fell in love with a narc; the real deal, OMG. I'm so happy that you have loving support in your life. Sometimes good things come when we least expect it.

We must remember that N's don't change and supposidly, they end up treating everyone the same. Knowing that does make it a little easier. My clouds are lifting and it's good to finally get some clarity.

outOFtheFOG13's picture

I am no expert on the

I am no expert on the subject, however, I do not see a narc living “happily ever after” with anybody. It was no defect on our part, it is a defect on their part and they will repeat the same behavior with the next person they land. And the next person after that and the next person after that. They are not capable of experiencing true happiness. They will revert back to the same behavior we witnessed and no other person will ever be able to give them what they demand for the rest of their lives. They can only take from another person as much as the person has to offer. Once they have bled the well dry, they will move on. We may see our ex with a new partner and all appears to be wonderful and everything we wanted and didn’t get. but we have to realize things are not always what they seem and I would be willing to bet the happy couple is either in the honeymoon phase where the narc appears to be the perfect person or the new partner may be too weak to attempt to leave the narc and they would rather forsake their own selves to sustain the narcs ego. They will make excuses for the narc and they will make excuses for themselves and pretend that everything is wonderful. This person may not even recognize what is happening and that is exactly where the narc personality wants people to be. That happy front is not real. More important point – seeing the ex “happy” should not signify a failure on our part or a sense of loss that the new partner is getting what we didn’t. If we had continued to allow the narc to steal our spirit – that would be failure because we abandoned our true selves and got nothing in return. They will repeat the cycle.

tresor2's picture

OutoftheFog,

you may not be an expert but, you know what you're talking about. Thank you for reminding me of who he really is and snaping me back to reality. The work for me now, is to stop my own self-destructive repetitive cycles. So far, so good. There is hope.