Why is letting go so hard? I'm examining the fears that keep me mentally stuck in the insanity and that keep me from being present in my life. There's really nothing happening other than I'm coming back to earth, going through withdrawals and grieving the loss.
The best I can come up with today is that my biggest fear is that he'll move in with someone and live happily ever after...that his perfect prize is everything I am not. He is giving that person the attention that I wanted and never got and I will never be loved again. I might die alone, OMG. What will that mean to me...It could mean I wasn't good enough or I am lucky it wasn't me. It could mean whatever meaning I choose to give it.
Well, he did move in an OW and she must be real special since he always said he didn't want to live with anyone. She's getting the best of him and I got the whopper D & D and he will not talk to me. HE'S GONE FOR GOOD. The N is gone.
Reality is that I don't know what is going on with him. The facts are that I'm alone and I can begin to live my life or continue to wallow in the sh*t. I'm to the point I'm so sick of it all and I can literally hear the clock go tic toc, tic toc. Yesterday I missed class because I was so into reading this blog...maybe it's time to give it a rest...this recovery process is all consuming and in some ways, some of this keeps me stuck.
It hurts me knowing he is with someone else(s) but I must and will move on. N hurt me deeply and dished out nothing but misery from day one. He was a selfish SOB who cared about nobody...he once told me, "all I care about is money." If I look deeply at my fears, there's really nothing to fear except my twisted thinking. My fears were created very early on in life and N came along so I could make my fears come true and finally begin to dispute my twisted beliefs. I'm still alive and breathing. All this for a sadistic, selfish, heartless, deceiptful prick who thinks he's special. It's really really really time to move on.