Missym's story

I met my narc in 1993. He was tall, dark and handsome...and what I thought him to be reflective, devoted to me/us, wanted a family, was ambitious, educated, loving to me and very ingratiating toward me...in that he seemed to be proud of me, recognized my unique and positive traits, gloried in them...and brought joy to me. Coming from a broken home, and a father who abandoned him and a mother who was critical/bitter and consumed with anger, she never was able to nurture him....So, my gregarious, together, loving family was very appealing to him.

We lived together for two years, and got married in 1995. I was over the moon, though looking back, there were signals that I overlooked.

We enjoyed our time on the east coast, worked on careers, and in 1999 I got pregnant and our daughter was born in NYC. My father had been diagnosed with a rare but eventually terminal disease, so we decided it was time to move back west and raise her there.

Things progressed, he had a hard time re-establishing himself professionally, and so, having another baby became a difficult thing for us. Eventually, we both started churning professionally again...and then, he started acting very wierd....in lots of ways.

His previous devotion to me/our family became more and more focused on his wants, his needs, his own desires. He resisted all attempts to have another child...and since I was older, my age started to become an issue. I looked into adoption, surrogacy, etc. - always with him showing feigned interest at first...until it got more serious...and he would sand bag it. During this time, he became obsessed with working out, teeth whitening, his looks, his cars, his "time" with friends (without me)...a constant unsettling of our life together...and began to set in motion my insecurity related to our life together, his love for me, his devotion to me, to our life, etc.

In 1995, during back to back marital therapy, he told me he did not love me and was not attracted to me. I simply could not beleive it. I was stunned, heartbroken, frantic not understanding why this was happening, what I had done, where he had gone.

For the next 6 years, I traveled the long and sad journey of our marriage and life together ending. Little by little. I did more than I shoudl have all those years. Took the blame, understood, bent over every which way to respond to his constant complaints, manipulations, anger, resentment. On this side, there were all the "right" tokens he would offer (take me to Italy, etc.) during our anniversary month. But then nothing the rest of the year. And countless...literally countless distrubing rages, fights, slights, outright painful actions on his part to hurt me, rejections, and always, always....efforts to do for himself against this backdrop of a crumbling marriage and life.

Finally, after several deal breaker actions on his front, and my total and complete exhaustion...I asked for a divorce. We are now in mediation, and his games continue. Notably, he has already found a new girlfriend, we have not even filed yet, and daughter is struggling to accept it all...but he exposes her to his new supply whenever he has her....be damned anybody to tell him to slow down on that front.

Looking back, the sexuality issues (porn, excessive masturbation, could never climax in me, and an almost asexuality throughout alot of our time together), the disinterest in building our family together, his disturbing family background, his wierd identity issues that never seemed authentic and genuine (always searching for a new identity and values), and later, his complete self absoprtion, selfishness, distancing from my family and me -- all finally, after too long, led me to end it.

I am making my way through it. Slowly, painfully, recongition that he would never, ever change. That in fact, narcs get worse as they age. That he would never really love me. HE was never what I thought he was. It has been the most surreal experience of my life to witness thsi person, who I believed was everything I ever wanted, to become in front of my eyes, this horrible, unrecognizable figure.

And since we have seperated, he has become even more pitiful -- throwing one life off for another version in the blink of an eye. We live in a small town, and it is beyond me that he could act like he is doing....now with no respect for me or our daughter. But then again....as we all know...he is ALL ABOUT HIM.

I will get through this. And, I know my future is bright. I wish I would not have taken so long to get here....but I stayed to keep our family togehter for my daughter. In the end, I know I did all I could to "make it work"...but it was a losing battle from the beginning.

I have only recently become aware of this. Strangly enough. For all the counseling I've had, the blogs, the assistance, the education....HOPE still remained for so long. I kept thinking, "If I'm a better wife, do this, do that, etc. he will be back to the man I thought I married".

It was not to be. I did all that...and it only got worse.

I am still grieving...and his actions of late...not sure if they hurt me or help me see even more clearly. But. As the song says, I will survive. And in fact, I will thrive one day very soon.