New here, but about 20 months NC

New here, but about 20 months NC
Posted October 5, 2011 - 7:58pm
1

Hi everyone,
I've been reading this forum since my therapist first told me my boyfriend was a narcissist 2 years ago, but this is my first post. So first order of business is a big THANK YOU to Lisa Scott for setting this up and to all of you who have generously shared your experiences. I've learned so much from you all.

I felt that I was well on my way to recovery at the beginning of the summer, but after July 4th I began to exhibit the same kinds of symptoms I displayed while I was in a romantic relationship with an N. I couldn't figure out what was wrong, and was almost ready to go back into therapy when I realized what was going on.

My post-N circle of friends has been a pillar of my recovery as I began to experience (for the first time in my life) what it was like to have friendships with normal (not disordered) people. So I think I went into denial when one of my closest new friends began to exhibit narcissistic traits. Instead of facing facts I regressed into my childhood survival mode.

Now I feel as though I am at square 1 again. How do I limit contact with her when she is part of the circle of friends I have come to rely upon for healing social interaction? I don't want to lose the rest of my new friends, so I am treading cautiously and trying to limit contact instead of going full NC.

Advice from anyone who has gone through this would be appreciated. Supportive noise from anyone else would also be appreciated.

‹ PTSD: The Aftermath of the Narcissist EMDR therapy for PTSD: Anyone heard of this? ›
58 and going strong's picture

Welcome Parizade! Glad you

October 5, 2011 - 10:16pm — 58 and going strong

Welcome Parizade!
Glad you found this place and it has helped you.

Sometimes there seem to be or there really are set-back situations. I have learned to see those as additional chances to learn about myself and my own interactions with others and then improve and move on.
There are so many people with narcissistic traits out there. But that does not mean they have to be full-blown Ns.
Some we can just leave, some we may have to deal with for whatever reason.
But that does not mean we cannot grow and go on healing while still being exposed to them. To me it is a question of our own mindset and being aware of their techniques and how immune we already are.
If you were a health care professional and had to treat a patient with a contagious dis-ease(!), you would certainly educate yourself about how to protect yourself most efficiently from contamination and also you may want to boost your immune system - correct?
But there is a difference between a cold or a Hepatitis.
So I would watch it for a while and see if your friend is a true N or 'just' a manipulative and self-centered person. How does she interact with the other friends in the group? How important is the rest of that group for you? Sometimes in the healing process we are so very suspicious that we tend to see Ns all over the place. . .
It may be so, but we are also living in very narcissistic societies.

I have found over the last years that many of my old friends were in dysfunctional relationships too, and that was usually the reason why we had become friends to beginn with. And when I realized that, without knowing anything about narcissism back then I did instinctively put some on the total NC list (mostly those who were still blinded by STBXNH); and others have just grown more distant over time.

You appear to be very aware of what is going on around you and with you. And that to me translates into: You have a choice now!
If I were you, I would try to take it one day at a time, and with the knowledge you have now, you can evaluate how bad it really is if and when YOU change your behavior. Just be prepared that this close new friend may eventually d&d you if you turn yourself into a No-NS-for-anyone person.

I tend to trust that the healthier I become, the healthier and normal are the new people showing up in my life.

Congratulations on your healing so far! Keep going that new path!

Parizade's picture

Thanks 58

October 9, 2011 - 9:03pm — Parizade

She decided to come along on a weekend trip I've been planning with other mutual friends, and now I'm dreading the weekend instead of looking forward to it. I wish she would just skip the devalue and go straight to the discard. I don't want to deal with her anymore, but that seems to attract her even more. She seems determined to show up everywhere I am and poop on whatever I have planned.

58 and going strong's picture

Parizade, you don't have to

October 9, 2011 - 10:12pm — 58 and going strong

Parizade, you don't have to give her the power to spoil your weekend! Or poop on your plate as she desires. It is up to you to have fun - or not. So pull away your plate and take back your power!

And generally, if someone says insulting and/or devaluating or defining things to you, you can just say "WHAT?" and repeat that and make her repeat what she said with your "WHAT?" until she realizes and cannot go on any longer and everyone else also understands what she was doing. It is important, however, to strictly stay with that single "WHAT?" and not say anything else.

Same would be a simple "NO" to any unreasonable request. Again, stick with the single word, no explanations or excuses needed.
This is called the 'broken-record technique'. I have tried it after reading about it, and it sure works:
After my 3rd repetition that manipulator realized I did not play his game, and he was left so helpless that all he could do was hang up on me. . . We are members in the same club, and so far I have still to hear an apology. But then, this happened about 2 weeks ago, and it was more important to me to stand up for myself in that situation, for prior to that moment I would always give in to such jerks.
I am sure you can stand up for yourself too!
Enjoy your trip. No more thoughts on what she might do. Just envision having a perfect and wonderful weekend with your friends every night as you go to sleep.
It does work.