If He doesn't Love Me Why Does He Help Me?...

My ex would do stuff like this, too. I believe now that he did it 1) to make himself look like the nice guy he always told people he was, and 2) to make sure I liked him. It was very, very important to him that EVERYONE liked him. I don't believe it had much to do with him liking ME and actually WANTING to do something nice for me out of the goodness of his heart. He never did anything unless there was something in it for him.

My XN was good at this it does a lot of things, makes them look like the hero, I needed my house painted so one day we were in his hot tub after about dating six months or so and he goes...I was thinking maybe I could paint your house and you could pay me....so I had got an estimate and for two coats it was about $6K with supplies, so I said well ok, how about a discount and I'll give you $3K and I'll buy the supplies, he put on one coat and it took two years....but he did some extra stuff too...but sure enough when we had our first big fight, he was after me to have my sons cut the grass and found the bottom of the gutter on the ground and screamed to himself in the yard "oh he couldn't even put it back on" and I saw this, combined with a lot of other things that were going on and I spoke to him to basically not tell me how to deal with my kids and he threw that paint job up in my face big time..."oh what about all that work I did for you???" So I said what do you want more money???? Oh no I did it because I wanted to, ya right...also at that time I had set boundries at the beginning of the relationship telling him I didn't go out on weeknights (because I'm responsible and have a job) so I think the whole paint job thing was also to put him around me during the week so he wouldn't be alone so there is always something in it for them that is worth the little effort they put in for doing you a favor...snakes....all of them!!!!!!!! Also admiration gets thrown in for them too, every time we pulled up to the house I said oh what a beautiful looking house and I'd give him credit....live and learn.

there is manipulation with every thing they do. they don't give for the sake of giving from the kindness of their hearts to help you and see you happy with nothing expected in return. They dangle carrots, they want to be the hero/good guy, they want to have that to hold over your head should you ever question him or reject his bad behavior. He wants you to be dependent in some way.. hooked in some way... in debt to him in some way... seeing a false image of him... If he takes care of you, you can't give him a hard time when he is an ass. At least, so he thinks. If you do question something hurtful that he does (even questioning jealous questions when you get out of the bathroom), get ready to pack your bags for a guilt trip when he brings up how much he has done for you, you heartless beotch. ;p Get ready to back down and take it and stay silent because he helped you when you needed it. See? he will turn that right around onto you and you and how awful you are to question someone who has done so much for you, nevermind that it is a different subject/event/situation/time altogether and he has created a distraction. If you take money, have a plan to get it paid back to him ASAP. If he does use these random acts of his as something to hold over your head, be ready to keep him on topic and not let him do that. giving you things is not a get-out -of -jail- free card for past or future behavior. and also , you said if you did not love someone you would not financially burden yourself. They are not circuited like us. Don't let yourself think they are human like you are and have empathy like you do. you wouldn't do it, but they would. You wouldn't have done a lot of the things that he did. He knows you would not give money to someone you didn't love, and he knows that works to his benefit. Just remember... what you would do has nothing to do with what he would do. Try to just say, "oh no thanks, we are busy," to him next time.

for this question: Manipulation. My ex was the KING of doing this. It's meant to make you feel "obligated" to do something for HIM, whatever that may be. Do this financial difficulty on your own and give the four hundred back. If you don't, you're in for more heartache. He's an asshole. YOu don't need HIS money!

What you would do and what he would do in the same situation are two different things. Please do not use his gesture to fuel your desire that he is not disordered and that he really does care about you in an altruistic way. He doesn't. I am sorry to say it like that but it is better for you not to read something deep into his gesture. He has a reason which unfortunately isn't anywhere close to what you hope it is. I have been there, I took the money and it was a huge mistake. Thankfully he isn't a factor in my life now but it seems yours is. Think about what you want out of your life and start making it happen today. Xoxo

Don't let this confuse you into believing love has anything to do with his willingness to help you. My exN was VERY helpful to me on many occasions, but that did NOT change the fact that he is a narc and incapable of feeling deeply for my well being. They like to keep up appearances of caring in order to keep re-establishing their mask (to themselves and others). If they see any value to preserve for present or future use the supply we give them, they will do this.

He's dangling the Carrot to stay in the game! Hunter

My Narc/Psycho came begging me back 6 mths after the 1st D&D. I made the mistake of letting her back. I had lost 3 family members within a 5 mth period, had to have back surgery and was an emotional wreck. The perfect situation for the N to make her move. The supply she left me for did not work out. The narc went out of her way to "take care" of me. Bought me wheelchairs, took me to surgery, doctor's appts, etc, etc, etc. She did many things for me and bought everything I needed or what she felt I needed. There was just this nagging emptiness of why she really came back. I felt all along that there was a reason other than "she loved me". I never felt emotionally connected to her when she came back. I was to find out that she was "out of supply" and I was being recycled. After a year, we ran into her boss at work. Her boss had the strangest look on his face when he saw me. He knew how rough our 1st breakup was and of course, she made me out to be the crazy one. I had asked her how would her work relate to us getting back together. She is in law enforcement and there were several legal issues we were involved in the 1st time which jeopardized her job. She said she had talked to them and expressed her mistakes and love for me and it would be fine. I was a priority in her life, blah, blah. Shortly after people in "her" life bagan seeing me, the next D&D begun. Long story short: The Narc told her work and friends that I was a crippled envalent on my death bed and needed someone to take care of me so that is why she came back. They were told I could not walk, feed myself, move or do anything for myself. She was the good samaritian/saint that came back to take care of an evil person who hurt her so bad in the past. Everything she had done for me or bought me was bragged about and even displayed to them. Once they saw that I was not what she had said I was (half dead) she quickly lied and told them that I had set her up and faked being disabled so she would come back. She, of course, then had to dump me for lying to her. It was all for attention, hers. They are willing to work for attention and even pay for it. I never imagined in my wildest dreams the lies she had spun. I too, thought she was being so nice and compassionate to me.

It could be for a lot of reasons - he will likely talk about this and brag on himself for this for years to come. And he might get extra mileage with you out of it. Sounds like he got at least some. But, the thing is that being a Narc doesn't mean the person is inherently evil, though some of them are, it means that they are damaged. Some want to be good, want to be real, want to feel what other people feel. It is very sad. But if the emotional memory is missing, then they cannot have a rounded relationship. If their ability to relate to others quit developing at age 2, then the person will always be an exhausting child. I feel sadness for my Narc. But I cannot help him and he was causing me to lose me. I felt kindof like I was fading. Getting washed away. That's the bottom line isn't it? If he cannot love you and he causes you to not love you - then how can you love your neighbor as yourself or in any way fulfill your destiny? That sounds melodramatic - but isn't it oh so true? It is so sad that he has this incurable disease. But the disease is basically emotional cannibalism.