Bramst's Story

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#1 Sep 23 - 10AM

highlander

Bramst's Story

This is my first post ever regarding my former relationship with a NPD woman, who I loved with all my heart, and unfortunately still do. I have read many postings about NPD, and it is clear that she fits most of the criteria. We were very happy 90% of the time, with the other 10% being just terrible, resulting is her melting down, saying the worst, most hurtful and disrespectful things to me, and breaking up with me numerous times. During our 5 years together, this probably happened, to varying degrees, maybe 10 times, all of which sent me reeling, and of course, since we really did love each other (or so I thought) we got back together, with one or the other getting in contact and getting together for a drink to talk. Home for some incredible make-up sex, and we were back, for another few months until she had her next melt down.

We lived in xx, but I had been working in xxxxx on (our) film project. As anyone knows, getting a film made is impossibly difficult, yet I am on the verge of getting picked up by a major production company. She felt that it wasn’t moving along a fast as she thought it should, and that she was back home, carrying the load on her own for no good reason. As I was driving back to xxxxx, 2 days after spending Christmas together with her and the family, she broke up with me via email, and one phone call. Zip, just like that. After 5 years, she cut me off cleanly and without the smallest amount of feeling, and as I subsequently found out, immediately took up with a guy at her small office. Since we had done this before, and she had thanked me for not overreacting, I figured it was just a matter of time before we fixed it, but now there was another guy involved. It has been nine months now.

As I look back at this, I realize how her actions fit the NPD archetype. She never seemed to be satisfied with my hair, my clothes, made me wear contacts, wanted me to lose weight (yeah, I needed to lose 20. Now I’ve lost 30 and look like a million bucks), wanted me to have a different job and many things I can’t recall right now. She was never interested in my interests, yet demanded that I be interested in hers. She had only one friend (who she completely cut off, as well, not long before she dumped me). She thought she was very great looking, and was convicted that her opinions were all important. Silly, accommodating me just played into it, as most of the time, we were very connected and happy, and I don’t sweat the small stuff. I’ll never know why I ignored the red flags and allowed myself to be treated in such a way.

Much to the dismay of my close friends, who all think that she did me a favor and never understood why I would allow someone to treat me like that, it has been absolutely hell, trying to move on. I still miss her every day, constantly run conversations with her in my mind, and try to guess what she is doing at a given moment (which just leads to porno films in my mind), and still feeling that there is a 50/50 chance that we haven’t seen the last of each other and I know she’ll be back. I KNOW that this is crazy thinking. I KNOW that she is a NPD person, yet I still see only the sweet girl, and not the evil girl. Short of a couple of BS emails months ago, there has been no contact at all, from her or me. That has been a huge struggle for me, and I think if there wasn’t another guy (who I know has received his ration of shit from her, as she is who she is) involved, I would have gotten in touch. My friends have kept me strong, in this regard, and she has absolutely NO idea what I am doing, except that I have broken my pattern of getting back in touch to fix things. She has followed her pattern of casually jumping from one guy to the next over the years. I know, especially when the press releases go out about my film, she will know that the thing that we both worked so hard on and had so many dreams tied up in is happening without her, I will hear from her. What then?? Maybe she has found the guy of her dreams, is blissfully happy, is transformed and I will never hear from her again.

I have only begun to understand that there are Post Traumatic Stress Disorders associated with this sort of thing. Maybe that explains why I’m still feeling like I’m feeling. Yes, I look fine, put one step in front of the other, and am still making great progress with my film, yet at any give time I am subject to waves of grief and continued heartbreak. My questions are: Why would I ever allow her into my life again? Why do I only see the sweet girl, and not the evil girl? Why would I ever consider being with her again with her having slept with another guy? Why is it so crystal clear to my friends that she is toxic to me, yet that isn’t clear to me at all? WHY can’t I just let her go and look to the very bright future that is approaching? Are these just the symptoms of PTSD that are manifesting themselves in my subconscious?

God has been sending me the notion of living in the “now”. I can do nothing about the past, and the future will take care of itself, as long as I make sound decisions, so enjoy and utilize this time away from her in the best way possible. I am trying to do that.
If you have any thoughts regarding this, I would be very grateful…

#2 Oct 17 - 8AM

DLP75

First read

Bramst. I really appreciated your post of encouragement for me last week after I posted my story of the hag I was with, but this is the first time I've read your story. WOW! Were we dating the same woman? Most of your story is exactly what I put up with because I "loved" her. I too do not sweat the small stuff, and I would make comments often to her about, "why are you sweating the small stuff", or" lifes too short", or "why are you wearing your feelings on your sleeve"? Everything was a drama to her. My hurt now, even though I want NOTHING to do with her, is also wondering where she is, what she's doing, or who she's doing. "Vengeance is mine", saith the Lord, and although I profess to be a Christian, I really want her heart to hurt. Thanks again for the story, as it's really, really nice to know someone else goes through the same pains we do.

#3 Sep 25 - 9AM

Hunter

Welcome to Narcville, You are

Welcome to Narcville, You are headed to the to top. Your headis on straight your heart still needs more time! Once the head and the heart are in line, saying good bye to Narcville is easy! Look to your future,she can't be a part of it! To live in this abusive cycle is not happy or healthy! Sounds to me like your future is rocking!! Keep reading and stay here with us, knowledge is power! Hunter

#4 Sep 25 - 10AM (Reply to #17)

highlander

Thanks Hunter! Jeez, it's

Thanks Hunter! Jeez, it's been 9 months already! Yes, I certainly recognize that I have a MAJOR head/heart disconnect. I see the pattern of the abusive cycle throughout our whole relationship. It's plain as day, but why the hell do I still think about her EVERY day? Why the hell do I miss her so much? I woke up this morning with an overwhelming sadness, and the question of how in the world could we have been so close for all those years , even with her meltdowns, and not a word between us for over 9 months?? Maybe she HAS met the man of her dreams and she is completely and blissfully happy, and never gives me a moment's thought. I just don't know how this world works. ALL my friends think she did me a huge favor, yet all I do is miss her. I know that, if she comes to her senses and wants to come back, I would be an idiot, but hell, I guess this is where the head/heart disconnect is, but you know, since there has been no communication at all, I am just guessing on everything here. I am just inside my head with all of this. That's why I'm here. Yes, my future is looking pretty bright. My project is being put into the hands of some major film makers as we speak. I think, once we get to xxxxxx and go into production, my perspectives will change. I do take so solace in the fact that this was her film to, not on paper, but she was my motivation and inspiration, and was very excited about OUR future, and now, it will be done without her. She will get to stay in xxxxx, as she is $250k upside down in her house. This is a woman who grew up in xxxxxxx, modeled in xxxx, went to xxxxx and sang in a rock band (being friends with xxxxxxx and xxxxxxxx), travelled all over the world with her husband for their business, and was totally stoked at the idea of our film, and the life it will bring to us. I get to lead that life, and she gets to sit in xxxxxxxx. The guy she is with (if she still is) is going nowhere, and neither is she. I'm feeling like success is the best revenge in this case... Thanks for caring... B

#5 Sep 25 - 11AM (Reply to #18)

Hunter

Bram

I'm a year out and dealt with my asshaft on and off for 20 yrs! I had no idea what he was! I do now, at it all makes sense. 20 yrs of BS headfuck from a psychopath! All you did was love, only to get shit on! Read everything ,watch my buddy Sam Vaknin on u tube! Knowledge is power! Once you know the Devil the head and the heart come together! This is a real disorder and we are the lucky ones who fell upon it! It will be ok! :) stay strong! I wouldn't discuss this with friends any longer either, they get bored and annoyed, they don't understand ( thank god) Hunter

#6 Sep 25 - 11AM (Reply to #19)

highlander

Hunter, I certainly had no

Hunter, I certainly had no idea either. I only, in the last couple of weeks, have begun to understand NPD. Had I known before, earlier on, I would have run like hell. You're right, my friends are over it. They are here for me, but I am so SICK of talking about it altogether. I'm just going to stay here, for a while, and try my best to come to grips with this and reach an equilibrium, so this doesn't weigh me down forever... Thanks for being there... B

#7 Sep 24 - 7PM

whitneywolf

bramst

bramst, I'm struggling too, but hope to encourage by saying I believe you can never go back. As in the allegory of Plato's "Cave", once you've come out of the cave and seen the objects in the real world that cast the shadows considered the actual 'reality' inside the "cave", you can never believe in just the shadows again. Also, it seems we heal in a non-linear way...with sharp clarity at one moment and plunges back into the fog at the next, though maybe with imperceptible increases in strength each time. The people here are awesome support!

#8 Sep 25 - 11AM (Reply to #15)

highlander

Hi Whitney, Thanks for

Hi Whitney, Thanks for getting in touch. Plato seemed to get it, didn't he? You know, I do have sharp moments of clarity about how badly she treated me, and my friends will never let me forget it, yet, I still see the sweet girl who I thought loved me and I loved and miss so much. I'm trying like hell not to wallow, but it's like I am treading water, with just my nose above the surface for air. I know, for a fact, it will get better, and I'll eventually be fine, but I am very tired of this right now... It is clear, though, that the way she ended things so emotionlessly and coldly, that she has to have a personality disorder, and there will be no recovery from that, and I would be an idiot to ever take her back. So there it is. I know that she is toxic, but I still miss her so much... Thanks for getting in touch. It means a lot! B

#9 Sep 23 - 2PM

Braveheart

Hooks in the Heart

Bramst, Done S. brought up some good points about NPD's. Being in love with a NPD can be most exhilarating, exciting and down right fun... that kind of high just doesn't leave overnight. I can relate. I understand the replay of private conversations with her in your mind. I also know film industry is tough, so try to keep your eye on the prize. NPD's just love to threaten you with abandonment and they are the first ones to facilitate it, making it "your fault." You have to remove HER hook that is in your heart. This requires visualization on your part. Be sure to visualize the hook being safely removed from your heart first before you drop that cord. Imagine her falling down a deep chasm. Look, I don't get into too many flaky notions, but this technique really does work when you need people to leave your heart permanently. You might find a lot of old hooks needing releasing, but be sure you do not disconnect the cords you DO need. What can I say? I love my husband too. He has become a major part of my life. But what life do I really have by being constantly berated, ignored or manipulated? She left because you had figured her out. That is excatly what NPD's do. When my husband does leave me,(or when I leave him), I know I will never see him again, ever. His mother knows this about him too. It is most painful to see their backs as they walk away, but let them. Soon you will be most successful. Much Love P.S. I had experinced PTSD while the first year of marrige, living with this NPD.

#10 Oct 14 - 4PM (Reply to #13)

DLP75

Hooks

Thank you Braveheart for the analogy of the hook in the heart. My narc, I realize now left me too after nine years with a phone call because I too had her figured out, and there was fresh meat in her Bible class that had not yet. Poor guy!Anyway, it's only been 7 weeks for me, but I realize that heart/mind battle. I KNOW in my head what kind of person she is now, but my heart is having to catch up because not like other relationships, there was good up until the end. When you see the relationship dying, it's a little easier to accept because you see it ending. But in my case I had no idea whatsoever that we would not be married one day soon when she blindsided me. The good thing is I absolutely am sure that if she ever tried to contact me, there is no way I want back in that prison. Thanks again for the hook analogy as I'll definitely try it.

#11 Sep 23 - 9PM (Reply to #12)

highlander

Thank you, Braveheart, for

Thank you, Braveheart, for responding. You're right, it was fun, but moreover, she and I were true partners, or so I thought. You are also right about her making it ALL my fault. She demonized me to alleviate her own guilt for being so cold hearted, To say to me "I'm just not attracted to you anymore" just out of the blue, or "you were there when my dad died, and provided me such love and nurturing, but that's just not enough anymore" is the stuff that sticks with me. I really hope that one day, I will figure it out. This support group does help... Best Wishes to you... B

#12 Sep 23 - 2PM

strivingforhealing (not verified)

bramst - I feel your pain. Be gentle on yourself

I think you are suffering from PTSD like many of us on here. You might also need to explore the possibility that this is connected to your childhood. Does she remind you of one of your parents in any way? Many of us that get deeply involved with Narcs are recreating a story from the past- hoping that "this time" we will heal the pain of the little girl or little boy in the present- with someone that looks like our neglecter/abuser of the past. If this resonates with you at all, then I highly suggest therapy with a skilled therapist that can begin to unravel your story. I am sending you big waves of love and healing right now. I hear your pain and it is mine as well. I believe there is a divine plan for us- that deep profound healing can happen even amidst the darkest days.

#13 Sep 23 - 9PM (Reply to #10)

highlander

Thank you!

Thank you so much for sending me those big waves! I do feel them. I'm sending them right back to you! You're right, there are other issues at play, namely abandonment (by mom at 6 yrs old). I have had therapy about that and have a clue, but this was a really hard core abandonment, so I'm sure it's at play here. I know for sure that there is a Devine plan, better than we can come up with ourself, and we were never promised a smooth road. I also know that there may be someone else out there for me, and you, someday. I just hope that we will be able to recognize the red flags, and not ignore them as I so conveniently did, and maybe I will stop missing her so much... B

#14 Sep 23 - 1PM

GeorgiaGirl

Welcome

and I'm sorry that you are here after a close encounter with the NPD kind. It's a nightmare as you can well see now that you are "out". You are a little further ahead in the grief process than I am (almost 6 mo for me) but I definitely know what you mean about fine one minute and then get hit with a tidal wave of grief. It is partly the PTSD and it is partly just the process of grief after this type of break-up. You had no closure. You had no final goodbye. Just a door shut in your face and a new man in her life. I think it's normal that you'd want the sweet girl back - but she was never really there to begin with. Accepting that is the hardest part of all of this. Go easy on yourself and realize that the film is, in itself, a trememdous amount of stress on your body/emotions during a time of tremendous recovery. Make sure you are getting enough sleep, eating regularly and healthy stuff and steer clear of alcohol as much as possible.

#15 Oct 17 - 9AM (Reply to #8)

DLP75

Thanks

GeorgiaGirl. I was just reading your comments to Bramst and want to thank you too for the comment of wanting her back, but she never was really there to begin with. That's tough because we saw and felt what we did, but mine too found someone new and I know it's because our life together became too mundane for her, settled for me. I thought we had that everyday with you kind of love, and realize now she has to have that"fix" of excitement and always something new. My Narc actually bought three other houses from the one she was in when I met her and moved in each one. They seem to need something new and are bored very easily. Anyway, again, thanks! DLP75

#16 Sep 23 - 8PM (Reply to #7)

highlander

Hi GeorgiaGirl

You are so, so right. There is absolutely no closure here at all. Five years, then one emotionless email and a cold phone call, then that's it. You are 6 months into it? It's really tough, isn't it. It may sound strange, but in a weird way, I feel better knowing that I am not alone, and there are other people going through the same thing as I am. The No Contact thing is what I was advised to do by my sister-in-law, way back in the beginning. Maybe i would have MORE closure if it was in my face and I knew exactly what was going on, but as it is, all I have is speculation. Is she still with him, or not? Does she have regrets? Is she waiting on me for the first move? We have been here so many times before, albeit not near to this extent, of her being with someone else. I just have no idea what's next, and I do know that something is next... Thanks for the advice. I have made it a point to exercise, eat healthy and not to drink much. I am looking quite good, at the moment, and after the nasty things she said to me, I refuse to let myself go. I do know that there is much more life to live, and I am actually a really good guy. Thanks for writing to me... B

#17 Sep 23 - 11AM

Done sourcing

Sounds like she is capable of

Sounds like she is capable of only taking care of herself. Good people have each others backs, narcs only show you their back. She doesnt contact you because she is getting attention and supply from some place else. It's that simple. If she contacts you it will be for her selfish reasons, not because she had an epiphany and has to have you to love and cherish, blah blah blah. You look into the past and tell yourself stories about it. Fantasy thinking and magical reflection are symptoms of living with a masked pperson. Her mask is gone, and it was all a reflection of what youwanted to see, that is the ability they have, to show us what we want to see. Tell yourself the true story and move on. You know the truth already. Live it! ds

#18 Sep 23 - 8PM (Reply to #2)

highlander

Thanks

Hi ds You are very perceptive! After 9 really brutal months, it's kind of hard to see what's real and what I've created in my mind, like you say, fantasy thinking. After the terrible things she said in the last couple of emails, and how often I tried to fit into the mold she wanted me in, sometimes I find myself thinking that maybe she was right about me. I think that she will get in touch once she knows I am in xxxxxxx shooting, and you're right, it will be for selfish reasons. She was my inspiration for the story. At this point, I feel that I would be so happy to hear from her and take her back for whatever reason...

#19 Sep 23 - 8PM (Reply to #3)

Done sourcing

The last 439 crappy things

The last 439 crappy things someone said and did to me were by the same person, the exwn. Think about what you really want. Taking her back means you will someday be back here or in an asylum nine months out, kicking yourself in the balls again. Revenge doesn't work either, because of the mirroring thing maybe. So weird that we know they are nuts and disordered, but that their words have so much power over us. So many of us here on the site have shared, including me, that they felt lifeforce being sucked out of their bodies by the narc. That is dangerous shit there! Risisng above it all, doing the right thing for the right reason, and staying no contact, no response is the only sane approach. But we can be crazy for as long as we want to...just know that you are choosing insanity...lying to yourself at this late point is silly...embrace the truth and have a great life. Sounds like you have some cool stuff happening, why share you great fortune and karma with an empty narc. I'm sure the sex and looks have alot to do with this obsession...Be open to new experiences with new people. Easy for me to say? Fuck no! I paid my narc dues big time. I don't just talk it. I did it and survived it and moved on. ds

#20 Sep 29 - 8PM (Reply to #5)

Trulybroken

Love this reply

I would have loved to kick my ex in the balls ;-) My ex said I was the demonizing him so I could move on and believe he was bad. He said this only after I finally confronted him that he is a N !!!! I left him a yr ago after he cheated and only last June we tried to make `nice nice" and be "friends" When I left his sorry ass last yr, there was no closure, bringing him back for the 4 weeks we talked, it gave me closure. Granted it put me back from months of healing, but I got my answers and finally called him out. It ended UGLY and there is no looking back for me.

#21 Sep 23 - 10PM (Reply to #4)

highlander

It's a silly notion, after

It's a silly notion, after beginning to get a clue about NPD, that I would ever give her the time a day ever again. Based on some of the symptoms I've read, she is a classic case. On top of that, I am the fourth of fifth guy she has done this to. Dumb shit me thought that I was the one. PLUS, my friends would all kick my ass if I ever spoke to her again, her ex-"best friend" included (which was her only friend, I might add). No, I just fantasize about that because I haven't stopped missing her, and her sudden switch to a cold-hearted person still baffles me. But, for sure, I never want to be here again as my balls are sore enough! You are right, I do have some exciting, life changing times right around the corner, and no, she deserves to sit on her pile of dirt in Reno, in a house that she is massively upside down in, and watch our success from afar. She pissed all that away. I am open to new experiences with new people. I never have a problem meeting women, but I will be so, so glad when this ridiculous black cloud that is hanging over me is gone forever... B

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