Dema's Story

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#1 Sep 19 - 11AM

Dema

Dema's Story

I wondered about sharing at first. My N is truly an N, he has every symptom. However, he never dumped me - never would have dumped me. He clung to me. At one point towards then end he said, "I have to marry again, I have to have someone who HAS to help me when I need it."

And in general he seemed to be very honest at times (though he was an incredibly talented liar who was proficient at gaslighting).

I don't think he enjoyed being mean. I think he hated that he was mean. In short - I believe that N's can be the Psychopaths who do the DnD and enjoy cruelty, but I also think that there are a lot of Pinocchios and Tin Men.

And I think that maybe it is more difficult for us who have Pinocchios to share because - well, they just aren't as cruel as what we read here. No other women. No telling us that we are scum - except in the middle of a tantrum. Then I have been a slut and a cxxx and various other things.

He was hurtful and frequently raging and does all the things in the lists - but he doesn't run around or threaten to dump me or tell me that I am useless. He doesn't insist that I am nothing without him. Instead, he seems to look for his heart, mourn that he doesn't have a heart, and desperately want to be a real boy.

He is still toxic. He cannot bond, he runs from intimacy and he has raging tantrums almost half the time. And they are unexpected and from seemingly random triggers. He tells me it is my fault because I used this phrase or did this seemingly innocent thing. I didn't get him a stamp within 3 minutes of him asking when he was still in his underwear and obviously wasn't walking out to the mailbox, I asked him about my coffee, I said an innocent phrase that his mother had used when she was mad at him.

Emails, phone calls, raging, raging, raging. He wasn't like this when I met him. Partly from his acting ability. Partly because of antidepressants. He quit the antidepressants. I could live with him without the raging. I found ways to set boundaries. He wanted a mother soooo bad. But, without the numbing drugs - he is toxic. And even with them I was so lonely. So lonely. He doesn't have a heart. He is petrified, terrified of intimacy. But he craves it. He wants it. He has tantrums because he thinks it is my fault he doesn't have it. And I told him that I act more deomonstrative and loving to him in public than the people he envies. That I want the intimacy. "Then why don't we have it?" He doesn't understand. He is so pathetic.

And explaining that he runs from it - sometimes he could even admit it. But he couldn't stop running and hiding. He couldn't be intimate.

Pinocchio. He wanted to be a real boy. But he couldn't. And he raged and ranted whenever he came face to face with the fact. And I could not survive.

But, he was so pathetic. So needy. And he was not disloyal to me in a fundamental way. Calling me a cxxx is disloyal - but then again - he didn't want to leave. He always talked nice about me to others. He seldom said anything to specifically hurt me. Sure he lied and tried to make me think I was crazy. He called me bad names. He erased my hard drive.

But was that really disloyal? lol. Yes, I do hear myself. I truly do. The difference is that he seemed like a lost child when he did most of these things. A lost and out of control child.

But, yes, he was toxic. He is toxic. And I have a protective order because I needed one. He's a dangerous lost child. A Tin Man with an ax.

Anyway, I know at least a couple of people relate to this because you have already written me. And I thought maybe those of us with Pinocchios need to talk a bit more.

#2 Sep 30 - 9AM

Caralynn507

I can relate

My husband sounds much like this. He starved me of love and affection and attention and accused me of always being the problem. Secluded me and our children from the world. He was never physically abusive tho. And not much rage and no running off with other women. He used me as a puppet. I worked and he hardly did... he would tell me how great I was doing at work and how proud he was....but never a word about ME. Deprived me of affection, intimacy, love, understanding, companionship. Accused me of cheating all the time. Hid money. Turned our kids against me. He is toxic but I keep thinking it's something I can find a way to fix....but it's been 21 years with him....bad times started about 8 years ago. Just doesn't make sense. Even if I would try to hug him or kiss him he would act like I was "gross". Just made no sense. Lost my mind....trying to get myself together. We are divorcing next month.

#3 Sep 19 - 1PM

Pride and Shame

Beautifully written

You wrote this beautifully. This was extremely helpful for me. We focus so much on the bad, with good reason, but the simple truth is that they lack essential loving qualities. Thank you.

#4 Sep 19 - 11AM

Dema

Still needing to talk

I guess I haven't gotten it all out yet. I never have seemed to do things in the correct order - have had NC for weeks now except for a court date and him emptying the attic with court permission. But I haven't gotten it out. He tried to get his daughter to block me from seeing her children - I have been their grandmother their whole life - and the oldest is almost 16. But what he really thought was that I loved them more than I didn't want him. And when she refused, and when there was a court order - he said, "Well, we will have to see each other - at family events." and he sounded so wistful. He is toxic just like other N's are toxic - but he is loyal. And I believe faithful. And destructive. And maddening. And unpredictable. And disturbing. Toxic. He would have huge tantrums if anybody parked behind his car. No matter what. And he wouldn't move it out of the garage. His daughter was furious at that - but I tried not to battle him. Tried to keep peace. Let him know when something was important to me - and if it wasn't too painful for him, he would try to do it. Loyal. He told me once that he agreed with Woody Allen - that he wouldn't want to be a member of a club that would have him. (Was really Woody quoting....??) And yet, or maybe because of, he talked and talked and talked about himself. Everybody else was too boring. He wanted to find a couple to hang out with. But if they listened to him politely they were boring, and if they spoke they were boring. We joined things - but then he wanted to quit. They weren't like us, they were dull, they were narrow-minded, they didn't like him. He would start with saying they didn't like us. And when I insisted that I always felt loved and included, he would insist they didn't like him. And no amount of telling him otherwise or stating examples of how they had accepted him would change his feeling that they didn't like him. They weren't like us. He didn't fit in. It isolated me. I wasn't single. But I wasn't married. He spent an enormous amount of time in a locked room with "No Admittance" on the door. Recently, one of the grandchildren asked if she could see inside that room. I told her sure. It is still a mess. I don't need the room. Someday, I will fix it up - maybe. It is a hurtful place right now. He bragged about his intelligence, his creativity, his body. He posted pictures of himself in a bathing suit on FB. He shunned his friends for weeks or months at a time. He didn't have many friends and mourned that fact. He couldn't be happy. I tried everything to make him happy. I spent what I didn't have, I did what I didn't want to do, I made a point of stroking his ego twelve times a day in addition to the times that came naturally. I tried and tried and tried. Nothing, but nothing made him happy. He felt the loss of what he had. But he never found a gain. He never found thankfulness - or rarely. Sometimes he was thankful for me. Sometimes he almost cried at the thought of not having me. Do you see the pain there? I am very maternal. Do you see how difficult that is? Always he had loyalty to me. And yet he lied, he bragged, he complained and worst of all he raged and acted out. I needed a protective order. Two different judges said so - because he appealed and a different judge heard the case. He was bad - really, bad. But, he is this hurting child. A toxic, poisonous, deadly hurting child. I have had no contact, I will maintain no contact. I can feel myself healing. I love having my predictable house. I could write a long, long message on how it was unpredictable before - about the ways he kept me unbalanced. I have girlfriends now - good ones. I am closer to his daughter than ever before. She agrees - she thought he was NPD years ago - but I had to realize it for myself. But he isn't an evil monster. He is Pinocchio He is the Tin Man. He is pathetic.

#5 Sep 19 - 11AM (Reply to #2)

wisdomneeded

WOW!

First of all Welcome.... next - "Pinocchio. He wanted to be a real boy. But he couldn't. And he raged and ranted whenever he came face to face with the fact. And I could not survive". Amazing analogy! He wanted to be a real boy. I will think about that line all day long. Funny when I think about the movie I realized from start to finish I was pulling for Pinocchio to become "a real boy"! I wonder if that is what happens to the victims of a N. You observe a "red flag", something is not quite right, but then you are already hooked. So you wait, and hope and help and do whatever would be necessary to get your Pinocchio Narc to become a real boy......sadly it never happens. On a lighter note too bad Pinocchio Narc's don't grow there noses longer when they lie....would save their victims alot of time trying to figure out if they are telling the truth. Hugs! WN

#6 Sep 19 - 12PM (Reply to #3)

Dema

I love the nose

And I think some of them would fall over forwards if it was true. ROFL!

#7 Sep 21 - 10AM (Reply to #4)

lola_azul

My Pinnochio

Yep, I believe that mine is a Pinnochio. The poor thing so hard trying to be normal and fit. He can't. He tries to mirror emotions that he sees in other people and is so unsuccesful. Because he is young, and needs lots of secondary supply, he is constantly looking for sources and for that, has to lie, which makes him really unloyal. Shame, shame!! Somebody who met him once told me that he doesn't act heartless!! I now know that he hides that but the truth is that he is heartless!!!

#8 Sep 21 - 10AM (Reply to #5)

Dema

Sympathy

I am drwoning in sympathy for mine right now - but have to maintain no contact. I am drowning in sympathy even when I go through the crazy things he did in my head. I thank God for the court order. Don't know how the rest of you survive. But, I do want to remind you that your young Pinocchio is still toxic. And that you cannot help or change him. You can't give teh Tim Man a heart. Only God has that skill and it would take a major miracle. So, he can poison you and you can only be ineffectual for him. If you get out of the picture, you will get better and he will be no worse off. Or even if he seems to be - the bottom is the bottom. He has no heart. He makes it look like he does. He makes you cry - but he has no heart and you cannot help. (Can you tell I am speaking to me as well?)

#9 Oct 7 - 12PM (Reply to #6)

Froglegs

I'm so glad I read your

I'm so glad I read your story. Thank you for sharing it.

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