Sorry, this is long!!!!
Owning my future. That is all I can do. After this episode in my life where I was part of a very toxic and sometimes abusive relationship with whom I believe is a Narc, I just wish to move on and be the owner of what is ahead of me. Still struggling with NC, still struggling with the discarding and the lies and the nightmares and the PTSD and trying to get rid of the victim mentality because I did see the flags, I knew I was not happy, I knew he was not the one for me but still stuck around long enough to be played, lied to, abused, made to feel useless, powerless and exposed to STDs (or the possibility of them) and many other things.
I was not ready to post my story b/c some of the memories are still vivid and just until last month, he was still telling me how much he loved me and coming around to “check on me” even though he was lying the whole time about ending other relationship that I believe he started late last year with a coworker, who had just been dumped by her fiancé. (See the pattern?) When I met him, I was recently divorced!!! So they do prey on the weak and even though I know I am smart, intelligent and experienced enough to catch the clowns from the normal, I still fell pray of his charming traits.
As you all know, it started like a dream. See, I left my country of origin 10 years ago and even though, I go there often for vacations, I have been depressed all this time because I miss my home, my family, my friends and most importantly the person I used to be before I made that move. I moved to the U.S. for marriage but that marriage did not go well. After trying hard enough, we got a divorce and back in 2009, I found myself alone and scared to be alone. With my only son in tow, I moved to a bigger city and although there was a better job opportunity for me, my fears of being alone and missing home were still present. When I met xN, I was clinging to whatever familiar thing I could get of my past life. He and I clicked, we speak the same language, he dated another girl from my country before, music taste, politic arguments, books, history…you name it, and we had it!! I feel so special and he made me believe that I was and of course, I thought we were meant to be. I am also way older than him but he has the mind of an older person and I am very dynamic in my taste and plainly act young.
First date, it was great but now I know that he crossed the boundaries. I can explain: We met through a mutual acquaintance who was friends with his x (the one from my country). He introduced us during a dinner get together while visiting the U.S. I apparently showed him the interest that he needed and he found me through Facebook. During that same dinner and before he got there, our mutual friend told me that the xgf told him that the xN went “psycho” on her when she ended their relationship. Duh, first flag?
It did not matter, this was going to be a fling, right? He was too young for me so he could be entertaining. The thing is that this is a cerebral Narc so no fun sex with a younger guy as I thought this would be. Now, back to the boundaries crossing. He kissed me the first time that we went out. I did not know back then that he was still pursuing the other xgf and even though she made it clear that it was over, he was still calling her, crying, stalking her and trying to get her to come to visit him. She is a stewardess and her itinerary sometime included this city.
For the first year, I did notice that he was always chatting or texting with somebody. It was always “his sister”, “his best buddy”. Mind you he was also unemployed so I was always buying his booze or dinner or bringing snacks for us. He required that I’d go and hang out with him right after work. When his sister came in town, he discarded me completely. The whole time she was here, he went MIA on me. I assumed that he was embarrassed of my age but now I believe that she is a primary supplier. The same happened when his friends came over on vacation. I never met anybody that he knew. Honestly, there were not a lot of people to meet b/c he did not have any friends. During that first year, I also caught him lying to me because he successfully got the xgf to come to stay with him at least three times and during that time he told me that he was going to be out of town. Totally discarded but I did not buy it and went to spy to find out that they were together. Later, I learned that she was just using him to save money on her hotel fees but according to him they were not sleeping together. The lies to me were excused because “I did not want to loose you”. I know, I know, pure BS!!
In the meantime, our mutual acquaintance was telling me that it was not true that they were not sleeping together, as a matter of fact, the last time that she came to see him at the end of 2009, he passed an infection to her and she spend Xmas Eve taking antibiotics. Well, guess what? I was sick with the same condition during the same time!!! That is when she found out about this whole triangle and went NC for good. I was getting first hand information and found out that the same day that she went NC was the same day that he invited me out on a date for the first time in the 6 months that I have known him. All the other times were more like me coming over to his house to watch him put on a show of playing songs, dancing (horribly), feasting on food that he made me “to please me”, drinking incessantly and this went on for moths until either his parents arrived in town or we had an argument.
No wonder I felt drained and used and not loved by this guy. During the weekends when we were together we were great but as the week progressed, my conscious feelings that there was something wrong crawled back on and I swear to God, I would end the relationship with him ever single time. He pleaded, argued but never gave me what I wanted or need and so the cycle would start all over again on Friday night. The holidays were awful! The first one, my mom came from home to my rescue b/c my baby sister had been visiting me over for Thanksgiving and saw me totally drained and upset with this guy. That was other thing; he wanted full control over me when I have family or friends from out of town but when he was with his, zero contact or plain MIA on me.
I did not get gifts neither for Xmas or my bday nor was I treated like a real girlfriend. If he was partying at home with this family and friends, I was called to pick him up at 3 or 4 in the morning so he could continue the drinking. This was a modified version of a booty call b/c usually by 6 or 7 in the morning he would have just passed out and if any sex happened, it was sloppy, scripted and painful. Still, I hung there because I felt the connection, but desperately trying to get intimacy or a friendship.
2010 came and I was ready to make a change. By February, I was done with him and started looking to meet other people. I was actually breathing better. He noticed and lured me back in. He had joined a gym and even though he was not working, his hopes for his future to find a job were high. He started taking me out for breakfast and then when his parents left the country again, back to the same routine on the weekends of drinking. Mind you, he hates clubs, bars or anything that could cost him money. So all this partying was him and I by ourselves at either his house or my apartment.
He started making friends at the gym and I was hearing all the stories of his spinning records and this new friend or the other. How much they were swimming and riding bikes. He got himself a $3,000 bike with the full gear and I swear to God, he’s never riding it. Those friends came and went. Then in the middle of the year, he got a job working at a local chain of hotels. He has a masters degree and an engineering degree but this job was more like a project manager for the refurbishment of the hotels rooms. Way below his skills, he said but it was a job. This is when other characters from work started to pop up and from where he met the new victim. I do not have a lot of details about her but my assumption is that she was engaged and broke it off sometime in October 2010 and he started luring her right after that. By December of last year, he was already MIA on me and not spending the time with me. We did spend Xmas day together and New Year’s Eve, then my birthday in January but he was already going D &D. Making me feel fat or ugly. My birthday was miserable. He had the nerves to tell me that he tried to record some songs for me but his laptop was acting up so he did not have anything to give me. He got a pair of sunglasses from me that were over $100.00. Ah the irony. Should have known better to be buying shiznet to this fucktart.
Because I always try to make something special out of my birthday, I remember thinking that this was going to be my year and I came up with this: “this is my day, my month, my year” on my birthday and it has been the status on my blackberry ever since. Little did I know that changes were fast approaching and that it was indeed to be my year!!
It took me until April to confirm that he had found himself a new victim. She is younger, and totally different than me. I struggled with the idea that she was better for a long time because I always felt that his Mom (whom I never met) had an issue with my skin color, my age or the fact that I am divorced with a 17 years old son). She saw me on his FB and I could tell that she was not pleased when he took me home and introduced me to his creepy dad. (she was asleep in the room). He never said anything but I knew better.
Not only I found out that he was cheating on me, in a matter of a week, I also knew that I was the other woman and she was the girlfriend. Guys, I don’t know how I missed this because he did go MIA on me more often. I knew he was not sleeping at his house and that something was off. But he kept the text messaging coming and was acting so normal. Never told me that he met someone else or that he wanted to give it a try with someone else more fitted to meet his parents or be considered his girlfriend.