I've read quite a bit on this site. You all have comforted me in each of your ways, encouraging NC when it is the hardest thing of all to do.
My story started out much like everyone's...wonderful. This man was everything I had dreamed of in a man....handsome, tall, very smart, sense of humor, etc. He was married, and he told me from the start that it would be 3 years before he could divorce his wife. He wanted to wait until his youngest son has graduated from college, and be free and clear of his obligations before divorcing his wife. He went into great detail about how his wife was very abusive to him and he was in a no-win situation. Said he had made the decision to divorce her when his kids were very young but couldn't fathom someone else raising his boys.
We tried to remain friends because both of us knew it would be a long road. Unfortunately, we fell in head first, January 2008.
He gave me a beautiful ring on my birthday in October 2008. I was over the moon. We had our ups and downs, but I thought, OK, this is part of "all this",,,"his situation".
Right after my birthday in October 2009, he was supposed to go to FL for a week vacation with me and my family (yes, parents knew and supported us in this). He picked a huge fight with me and stood me up for the vacation. Of course, I went anyway, cried for 4 days. I called him finally from FL and he was so glad to hear from me.
From that point, it all went downhill. I will say that this man never raged on me, never degraded me, always complimented me, told me he loved me incessantly, and the sex was always wonderful.
What I didn't understand was why he would never talk to me about my feelings and always went silent for days on end. But he would mostly come back like nothing was the matter, listen to my pissing and moaning, then we would be right back where we were until the next thing happened. And he started never to make plans with me, always "winging it".
All the while listening to horror stories about his wife and her rage episodes and abuse. Finally I put a title on it, domestic abuse, in the summer of 2010. He was stunned to learn this, and was shaking when I told him. On to the holidays, which were NEVER spent with me by the way, and always ruined because both of us were upset all the time.
There was ALWAYS drama....the health of his oldest son, his health, drama at home, the dog died, the son in college, the bills weren't getting paid by his wife (she was throwing them away), etc.
And me upset and then bliss for ALL this time, upset and bliss, blah blah...ad nauseum.
Finally he filed for divorce in June 2011. NO KIDDING. I thought, OK, I have won. We are finally going to be together. Our plan, ALL ALONG, was for him to sell their house, him get an apartment,spend some time on his own (I supported that) and move to the next level in our relationship.
All through this relationship, you would not believe what I have done for this man....bought him little presents all the time, a laptop last year for his birthday/Xmas (I got a crummy pendant and two bottles of wine..a week late, thank you), did all the research on how and where and cost of divorcing the bitch, looked for apartments for him, helped his son with several issues, etc. I only got the courtesy of a thank you on occasion, NEVER any presents, even though he had his own bank account.
Now we are in September 2011 and he has completely pulled away from me, saying he needs to "go find himself", and told my best friend that I need to live my life because he isn't available and won't be available for a long time. I would have liked the courtesy to talk about this with him, but when asked if he would call me please, his answer was "can't". I would have been a little more aggressive in my request, however, the SOB owes me $500 which I would like to collect.
I found the N info on the internet Labor Day weekend. I was shocked, and started putting the puzzle together. Needless to say, I am sick to my stomach every day. Lies, other women (all of which he denied),all the times he never answered my phone calls and texts, and all the times I was stood up. I will be NC, two weeks tomorrow. And of course he hasn't called me or texted me. The longest we have ever gone.
I was referred to a therapist that deals with this kind of shit, first session was last night. She called this "a horrendous abandonment and betrayal".
I should also tell you that I didn't have a relationship from 1995 to 2008 when I was sucked in by this asshole. I answered all his questions about my life, and now know he set out to destroy me. He had all the time in the world on the weekends to go out with his wife and friends, but never any time for me. I caught then out dancing one night (July 4th weekend) at a very nice restaurant and when I confronted him about it he said it was their last "hurrah".
I have to be done with this predator, and believe me, it has done a number on me.