Female on Female Narcissistic Abuse

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#1 Sep 12 - 11PM
It.Was.All.Abou...
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

Female on Female Narcissistic Abuse

I don't want to be a forumn hog. If you'd like to read more, my story is on the "My Story" forumn.

I'm a woman who was victimized by a woman. Maybe there are more of you out there. I haven't had time to read everything. Anyway, I wanted to post here as well, since this is specifically about female Narcs. Mine was very "masculine" in many ways, but quite "feminine" in others. Ultimately, and most importantly -- terribly hurtful and destructive in surprisingly devestating ways.

Sep 18 - 1AM
It.Was.All.Abou...
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

By the way...

I only brought up the masculine/feminine thing because I somehow pictured the female N as a fancy lady, with many shopping bags and an entourage of tiny dogs. Mine was more busy talking about being on the high school football team. :)
Sep 15 - 2AM
megamillion
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Hi Its.All.About.Her and

Hi Its.All.About.Her and welcome - and I'm sorry you're dealing with this situation. I was in an approx 4 year same-sex relationship with a female N - unfortunately my first relationship with a woman and my first time 'in love' (which, btw, makes it all the more confusing... how did I manage to confuse abuse with a reciprocal, loving relationship?? oh well, at least I'm learning). My exN was similarly both masculine and feminine in different ways (and when necessary to manipulate) - though I certainly was more of a caretaker (and eventually called hysterical and crazy - essential gendered language for abusers!) You can find my story in the Share Your Story section if you're interested. I've been working through and processing what has happened to me for about 2 months now. You may see some of my recent posts which still ask 'why' and try to get a grasp of what I was really dealing with. I also still struggle every day with cognitive dissonance questions about what I did (was it me/was I abusive), what was/is true, and of course why she did what she did - but there are no satisfactory answers beyond: she is disordered. She is ill and she cannot change. And that it is not my fault. Hopefully, you're able to glean a lot from the experiences, advice, support and even the struggles of other people in this community - this has been an unbelievable resource for my (on-going) recovery. You seem very strong and I find your perspective encouraging - even if you feel like you are confused and struggling, you have recognized what she is and that her behavior is destructive and more importantly PATTERNED. Thus it can be identified and avoided at all costs. Wishing you continued strength and recovery - xxx Mega
Sep 13 - 10AM
LuckySpurs
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Not masculine

My female narc was my former best friend. She and I are both straight. She had absolutely no masculine qualities whatsoever. She was extremely feminine and kind of a sissy (i.e. couldn't handle any perceived stress factor well at all). I thought she needed my "help" to be strong, but that was just her ploy to get close to me. My female narc was more of a "Regina George" character from "Mean Girls". The "Queen Bee" of our group, that I didn't even know I was a part of until it was too late. She was engaged 4 times with 3 of those resulting in marriage by the time she turned 24! She also faked 2 miscarriages, each by different fathers at the end of the relationship to drive home the hurt even more when she sauntered off to the next man the very same day. I think an accurate description of mine is more like a "Jezebel" or a "Succubus", by how she steamrolls men. And you would never know this upon meeting her because when she turns "it" on she will appear to be the most gentile and sincere lady. But beneath that mask of hers there is a cold-hearted devil! Even during her tantrums and rages, she was still feminine in nature. Also, her career she has chosen is a predominantly feminine field.
Sep 13 - 11AM (Reply to #4)
It.Was.All.Abou...
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

Feminine

I'm sorry to gear of your pain. Feminine/masculine. It's all the same in the end. Mine, for all the bravado was also oddly delicate and feminine in many ways and seemingly super kind and empathetic. All a ruse, of course. and her devaluing was a scene from mean girls, I'm told.
Sep 13 - 2PM (Reply to #5)
LuckySpurs
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They are the same

Yes, they are the same. A narc is a narc! Same animal, different mask. I have seen tons of similarities in how my former friend and how my narc stepdad both act. She's a girly-girl and he portrays himself to be a "man's man" and they each do exactly the same things when it comes to manipulation, control and image projection. The psychosis is the same in both of them. Isn't it funny how narcs fancy themselves these great & special individuals, yet they are just like every other narc out there. Kinda ironic....
Sep 13 - 12AM
rosedewittbukater
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You're not alone

I am here almost every day. I am sorry this happened to you. I am not really into stereotypes, but mine was quite masculine in most every way, although in retrospect I have realized that what I originally perceived to be her masculine qualities were really narc qualities. Devastating is one thing they all have in common no matter what their sex or orientation is. You have come to the right place. My feeling is that no one ends up here "by accident". I have not posted my entire story here yet for a couple of reasons, but I hope to get to this point in the near future. Feel free to google my posts. Most are on the all about him forum, because when I joined this forum didn't exist yet. Also,I felt like I really connected with some of the folks over there and didn't want to leave! Peace and Healing, Rose
Sep 12 - 11PM
MovingForward
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Me too

You can read some of my posts