Unfreakinreal's story...

The best way to tell my story is how I would tell it to him, so here I go...

Dear Tony,

It is with all that I have that I hope one day you are able to find someone that truly makes you happy and that you are able to enjoy and nuture that relationship. You and I are no longer in each other's lives which has given me the opportunity to find me again.

You were never able to understand why I felt the way I did or why I was so determined to salvage our relationship. At the time, it was easier to live in my fantasy world, reliving all of the great times we had and forcing myself to look away from the truth that was there from the very beginning.

When you came into my life, it was at a time when I was ready to begin looking for a serious relationship. I had spent 2 years alone, recovering from another toxic and unhealthy relationship and I was open to new possibilities. The first day you crossed my path left such an impact on me, even as brief as it was. I didn't know your name but I thought about that smile for weeks afterwards.

6 weeks later we crossed paths again. Not by accident, but because you had come looking for me at my work, questioning my co-workers as to where I was. When I found out it was you that was looking for me, I was ecstatic. I couldn't believe that you had made a special trip to bring me a gift card from my favorite coffee shop with the handwritten note "Something to keep you warm. Tony". Merry Christmas, you told me and turned to leave.

We talked on the phone once, and I learned that you were a fireman. We agreed to talk the day after Christmas. We did, and you somehow invited yourself to my house which I was all too willing to accept. You showed up with home baked cookies and special creamer for my new coffee maker. I thought you were incredible. When you showed me the pictures and I found out that you were one of the firemen trapped in that building, I didn't know what to say. You almost lost your life 4 days prior and here you were with me. I felt something so special and thought you must have also, why else would you choose to be with me after such a tragedy? Surely there must be others that you should be spending time with on the day after Christmas.

That night you told me everything I needed to know to run the other way. You told me everything about your life and I listened to you talk for hours, thinking it had a lot to do with the collapse. I never understood how you seemed to be so unaffected by your proximity to death and the death of your fellow firefighters. You seemed in extreme need of someone to talk to and I was amazed that it was me that you chose. But you would never talk about the fire. Only once when you were forced to see a therapist to be able to return to duty.

Why did you tell me about the last time you made love to your ex wife? I still remember the date - January 22nd. I was too shocked to say anything. And you seemed so tortured, it was hard not to want to comfort you. That first day you spent way too much time in my personal space and I allowed it. After that night, we were inseparable.

For a while.

We had a beautiful and incredible time on New Year's Eve. I bought you a vase to replace the one that your wife had smashed during a fight at your new apartment - where you had only been living for 6 weeks.

The party that I was so excited to go to with you that you completely destroyed by being a pig and a drunken fool. You made up for it by carrying me down the street so I wouldn't ruin my shoes in the snow. And then destroyed it by telling me that you didn't love me (I didn't ask if you did) and that sex was just sex. I tried to leave and you left bruises on my arm trying to stop me. You begged me to stay and hold you and I did.

Complete strangers marveled at how 'perfect' we were together.

I sent you a care package to your firehouse for your first day back on duty after the fire, books on divorce and children to help you, left easter eggs in your mailbox so you would have something when you got off shift (do you remember the conversation we had that night? You were demanding to know where I was going on a Saturday night and I didn't want to ruin the surprise). You refused to call me that night before bed which you knew would upset me greatly. I sent you flowers on MY birthday to the firehouse, baked brownies to take with you, made sure I kept the things you like in my house.

You used to get up and make me coffee and pack my lunch on Monday mornings - I loved that. It has been months since you even rolled over when I got up. Every once in a while I might get a 'lock the door on your way out.'

I made it a point to make sure I took lots of pictures of you and your children together because you had so few. I created albums for each of your children so they would always have pictures of Dad when they were with Mom. One of the many things I did that I hoped you would appreciate.

I am a single mother - you never once offered to take pictures of my son and I - even after I pointed it out to you. You knew how important pictures are to me. You did not take one picture of us.

- I am going to stop for a while, this is really beginning to hurt.