He lifted me so high up that the fall down feels like it's going to kill me today

He lifted me so high up that the fall down feels like it's going to kill me today
Posted September 6, 2011 - 12:00am
1

Boy am I having a hard, horrible day with wanting the N to contact me, tell me he loves me, etc. That pedestal he had built for me was so, so tall. Like a skyscraper in fact. And as tall as it was, that's how far I fell when he started the D&Din full force. I'm lying on the pavement now, bones and mind broken, looking up at the top floor of that pedestal, waiting for him to show his malevolent, guilt-ridden face out of the window to throw me a bone and a cast for me to heal in. Between the constant loneliness in my marriage and the fall from the ex N I don't feel like I have a life ahead of me. If not for my children, I don't know what I would do tonight.

‹ "So, You're in Love With a Narcissist" im so in need of help ›
Anabelle's picture

Sorry

September 6, 2011 - 4:17am — Anabelle

I am so sorry! It's so painful and difficult. But you will make it. You will. Look we all did.

Sweet, think about it, that he picked you, because you are an amazing, fun and radiant person. You may think you lost all these, but you didn't. It's all inside you really, just his shadow hides all these. What you feel now is his own emptiness. How could a man with his empty soul lift you? It's only possible because you are able to love someone so much.

Call your therapist. Meditate. Walk a bit.

Lots of love to you
A

Arwen's picture

Thank you Annabelle...thank

September 6, 2011 - 4:28am — Arwen

Thank you Annabelle...thank you SO much. Your words made me feel so much better. I have been watching Sam Vaknin's amazing videos on youtube which helped me so much. Then I worked out to J Lo On the Floor video la la la la

megamillion's picture

All day

September 6, 2011 - 2:36am — megamillion

This was me all day today, unable to focus and wandering around asking "...but WHY? WHY WAS I NOT ENOUGH?" and "WHY DIDN'T I MEAN ANYTHING TO HER?" and wishing that she would contact me.*

*Of course at this moment I am SO GLAD to not have heard from exN.

Fortunately, my mother dragged me to the gym - where I almost burst into tears twice on the treadmill. Then, FINALLY, once covered in sweat, I was able to see more clearly that exN is a piece of fossilized cow poo... with less emotional and intellectual depth than a fresh turd!!

Apologies for the graphic description! Anyway, I just wanted to say that this deep need for validation FROM THE SOURCE of the invalidation/rejection is what seems to spin me often. I sometimes can talk myself out of it and other times I can't. If you care to share what your therapist suggests about this feeling, I would be very interested in his/her perspective. (For me, making sense of it in a more clinical manner sometimes helps chip away at the emotional boulder in my path to recovery).

Wishing you calm and the strength to rise up - at least a few feet off the ground.
xxx
Mega

Arwen's picture

thanks everyone...so much. I

September 6, 2011 - 12:33am — Arwen

thanks everyone...so much. I do have a great therapist I will contact her. Just having an awful time of it tonight. nine months out and still in shock and grief. Oh my. Love to all

ordinarycourage's picture

Ups and Downs

September 6, 2011 - 12:10am — ordinarycourage

Relationships with N's can really make you feel bipolar.

Do you have a therapist? Can you call a good friend or family member? One thing I learned from being where you are is to talk and get reality checks from other people.

It's so hard going through the D & D and still having to carry on as a parent. The N's waltz away from all responsibility and leave us to pick up after them.

It's okay to lean on others, including us here at this forum. We can be here for each other during the bad and the good times, unlike the N.

How could I's picture

Well put Arwen

September 6, 2011 - 8:33am — How could I

Children are a blessing!! I'll keep you in my prayers.

Tinker's picture

hugs to you Arwen...kids keep

September 6, 2011 - 12:05am — Tinker

hugs to you Arwen...kids keep you going, but do it for you too. focus on yourself, give yourself permission to be good to yourself for a change. do something wonderful for yourself every day, even if it's just a small thing - a walk in the park, 10 minutes to breathe, a small ice cream cone. you are worth it! tink