howard's Story

On thing to quickly understand is NO CONTACT with an Narcisstic personality. This is the easiest thing to do and the most effective. The first time I didn’t do it but the second time around I literally cut the cord and it felt so good. So below are some of the N traits I encountered. All these N personality traits were very new and rather shocking because my previous relationships where much healthier.

First of all my N. I’ve known him since childhood and we reconnected in our early 50’s via FB. So I had a strong background connection to this person due to our early childhood history. I thought that might have significance but no.

Well here are the flags:
He was OBSESSED with me because we were from the same hometown. And he was OBSESSED with our hometown even though most of his life has been in. And mine in. I believe I represented TO HIM purity, honesty, the perfect life with a small town "girl". Even though I was a very successful business woman making well into 6 figures and left our hometown right after graduation. I truly think the hometown image represented to him the time he stopped maturing (age 5?).

At the beginning he lavished me with adoration in emails, texts, letters, presents and phone messages. It took a lot of work from my end to initially talk to him on the phone to have a conversation. He preferred emails and texts. He told me he was scared of conversations because he always “scews up” the relationship. RED FLAG. I clearly remember the first time we talked on the phone he definitely was not an easy conversationalist and it was all about him so I cut the call off early. He did not ask me one question. FLAG!

After we met in person he immediately wanted to get married and move back to our home state. I said, “Sweet, but no way.” But I was very flattered.

He said I was the sexiest, smartest, cutest, most successful woman around. OK, this man has been around adoring females for over 40 years so I knew it was BS but it MADE ME FEEL GOOD. I drank in the compliments.

He would call me late at night consistently on my landline (not my mobile phone) most likely to see if I was home and not out. I was very flattered but unnerved by this potential “checking up on me”. I started thinking he might be projecting.

When he visited my home, while I was at work, he went through my phone messages and probably through my personal papers.

He was EXTREMELY jealous! I’ve never met anyone so jealous in my life. I have a lot of male associates and peers due to my career and he was JEALOUS of everyone whether they were married or single. This really threw me for a loop. But, I was IN LOVE. So I slowly eliminated some of these friends in my life (not all but some).

He was a heavy drinker, smoker, gambler and went to bars almost every night to “eat” . We lived in different cities so I just assumed he truly was out to eat. Most likely picking up women I later learned.

When I visited my brother who was ill, “N” called constantly during my visit because he thought I might be "seeing someone." He thought I was lying. Hello???? I’m with my brother.

He was EXTREMELY jealous of my brother’s friend who was also visiting at the same time. My brother’s friend is married, with 3 kids and a wife. I hung up on “N”. I was shocked because I was visiting my bro that was given 9 months to live and “N” could only express jealousy! I was mortified and that almost ended the relationship…. BUT HE LOVED ME. I WENT BACK TO HIM.

He would come up with mean accusations and blamed me for everything. After one horrible conversation after he went to bed and I got INTO HIS computer and read his emails and was able to confirm that he was a serial sex dater. I didn’t see it during the time we were together. I still was in AWE BECAUSE HE ADORED ME. Maybe he wasn’t that way and he changed?

When I went away for three weeks last summer to teach at a cultural exchange program he didn’t ask ONE question about the trip upon my return. NOT ONE! That blew me away but I WAS IN LOVE. I FORGAVE HIM.

He was addicted to phone sex , skype sex, sexual photos, text sex. I’m a technologist and know the Internet is open no matter what anyone says. I told him he should be careful. Risk taker just like all the politicians that have been outed recently.

Finally, “N” couldn’t take the jealousy anymore and he left our relationship – COLD. No conversation, just an email to say it was all his fault and that I was dreamy and that he needs help, etc. Basically shifting the blame to him so he could move on without guilt. He also said he was going to start sleeping with people. He actually said this. I was devastated and stunned. This was all during a very stressful time in my life and right before the Christmas holiday last year. Sweet. I couldn’t get over him but I never initiated contact with him after.

For the next three months he emailed me very nice notes, sent texts. I would respond occasionally. I wanted him back but I wasn’t going to pursue it. Well, finally 4 months later, after my father passes away, he contacts me again. Says it was all his fault, he was fucked up, he wants to go into counseling and he wants to marry me. He apologized for all the pain he caused especially during a stressful time in my life last Fall. I believed him – first mistake. I accepted his apology. Second mistake. He never explained why he broke up with me last Fall. Even though I asked. Third mistake. I should have stopped all conversations at that point. BUT NO I WAS FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN.

I’m was in bliss that we are back together. I was flying all over the country visiting him. Same story he wants to get married, move into my home with my son and I and commute. Yes, yes, yes! I go along with it. YOU ARE THE MAN!

Than the similar patterns. Start again. Him being very jealous, him going cold for no reason, him being mean. I knew something was up because by this time because I’d researched the Narcissist and symptoms. So I let him ride his emotions for a while knowing he wanted ME to break up with him which I wasn’t going to do. I wanted to see if he would just cut it off or actually have a conversation before cutting it off. So after an evening of emailing me amorous notes he calls me up and says he has slept with 2 women -- a week after I visited him. So in response I asked, “Was it good for you?” He was mortified because I had little reaction from an emotional standpoint. What do I do? Yell at a 54-year-old man acting like a 5 year old?

And this “break up” happened the evening before my birthday. So I said let’s talk tomorrow. Another email the next day said he can’t talk and he needs to think and he was so sorry for the pain he caused me. I emailed him back saying I was fine and asked if he was OK? I said we should talk. He couldn't do it.. But next day, on my birthday, he sent the largest most expensive flowers arrangement I’ve ever received. They were shipped with each flower individual wrapped. A dozen red roses, a dozen lilies and a very loving card. I threw the card out immediately and gave the flowers to my former neighbor at a retirement home. She LOVED THEM. I sent him a very short email thanking him. He started emailing me again… not to talk but to say he still loved me. He called and said he loved me and left sweet messages on my voice mail. He sent more emails and I didn’t respond. Finally he sent the email he wanted to do in the beginning – very nasty, very curt, very mean and said this was the end. That’s the last I’ve heard from him. No doubt, he will try and reach out to me again, when he needs a stroke. As far as I’m concerned.

I could go on and on and on about all the appalling and alarming red flags I saw but I just ignored them. I’m a smart, successful woman and got sucked into this relationship albeit for a total of less than a year and a half. I feel for those who have been in these types of relationships for years! It is horrible on all levels. I’ve never experienced this before and I’ll never experience it again.

In the end, I threw away everything he gave me or donated it to worthy causes. I deleted all emails, text messages, contact information, and photographs because none of it means anything. It’s just dust – worthless words without weight. I’m free to focus on my family, my health, my life and my good friends. It was fun but with a price in the end.