Hard to swallow, but this line really hit home with me.
Know this – the N values the attention of total strangers more than attention from YOU.
“Does he miss me?”
Oh, boy. First, you deserve better than what he was throwing at you. You’re emotionally generous (which is why he picked you), loving, and without question can do better. You’re special. But one of the ways in which these asshats are a disaster is that they can’t — not ‘don’t', but CAN’T — value a person. Valuing, missing, wanting, loving a person involves bonding with them, and that equipment is missing in a narcissist. He doesn’t miss anyone, ever. He misses the attention, the sex, the appearances of being in a couple. He feels sorry for himself that he’s not being taken care of, or coddled, or paid attention to. But only normal people miss other people. To narcissists, attention is like a drug, and they don’t really care who’s pushing it, as long as the drug makes him feel good.
Because you’re emotionally generous. Did you have a narcissist as a parent, which “bent” your boundaries when it comes to them? Maybe, maybe not. Do you have a taste for bad boys, or for lost souls? Maybe, maybe not. What’s a certainty is that you’re emotionally generous, which is a fabulous gift that I want you to cherish, not change. Emotional generosity isn’t a problem, or a fault. It’s part of being a loving person and having a rich and meaningful life. The only thing we’re going to “change” is the boundaries — beefing them up so that people with personality disorders don’t barge in and wreak havoc like a rabid yak in a china shop. Narcissists can smell emotional generosity from a mile away, and they bolt on in and immediately start charming, intoxicating, and figuring out how to push your buttons. All with the cold calculation of a serial criminal.
My P actually called me "special" numerous times and such a good, kind person (everything he wanted to be in fact). It of course always confused me because if I was such a special person then why did he treat me with so little respect. BUT the one thing he couldn't cope with were my displays of anger. HELLO - why did I get angry? He never quite got the concept of projection, broken promises, compulsive lying, cheating and the ultimate loneliness of being in a relationship with him.
And since we broke up for the final time he, "misses talking to me". Not me, just the supply I gave him. That was the straw that broke the camel's back and I finally saw the light.
If they miss anything, it's the supply. I don't miss him. That's all that matters, now. ;)
This is absolutely correct. Xnh always did value the attention of strangers over attention from me. If we were in a room full of people, xnh and I were talking, and someone that he even vague recognized walked through the door, xnh would interrupt me (mid-word) to say something to them. If I said anything about it to him, xnh would get angry, and tell ME that *I* was the person that interrupted him. This kind of treatment happened to me thousands of times. It used to really hurt my feelings.
As for xnh missing me, no he doesn't. Xnh may miss my wallet, or he may occasionally miss sucking on me for attention when his supply is low. However, he does not miss ME as a person. Even after 16 years, xnh doesn't really know ME. He merely knows what buttons he formerly pushed to get supply. To him, I'm not a person. For our entire relationship, I was merely the little knob on the gum ball machine that xnh was forced to twist in order to get his gum ball treat whenever he wanted it. Incidentally, I was usually the one required to insert the penny into the slot, as well, so that he could twist. He usually didn't like the color of gum ball that came out either.
For xnh, the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side of the fence. If he already possesses it, he doesn't want it. He wants something else.
Mine would treat my like that too, especially the second time we got together after the first breakup.
I wouldn't accept it and get angry and that must have accelerated the process of him getting tired of me.
He never missed me.
Gumball machine, check. You inserting the penny, check. Grass is always greener, check. Sounds absolutely familiar. It's incredible how similar these people are. And your analogies are amazing! Thank you
My former P (as in psychopath) probably prefers the NS he gets from his students than from his family or his colleagues. His colleagues are no longer strangers,the "thrill" of the chase is over. For him, students were "strangers." While other profs dated people who lived in town, the ex-Psych prof courted his future wife over the internet/phone;it was an LDR while he was in New Mexico and she was in LA. I was D&D'd for her. I declared my love to him after FOUR YEARS... I didn't hastily declare it. I WAITED. But I was replaced with someone with whom he had an LDR and had just moved in with him.
He idolizes Leo Tolstoy, who preferred the crowds who'd come to his estate to listen to his lectures, to the attention of his own wife who bore his 13 children and edited his books.
I think you can tell a great deal about a person by whom they idolize or what type of persona seems to spark their interest. I read that Pablo Picasso was a raging narc. I read that one of his sons killed himself by drinking bleach. Can you imagine??
© E. Scott Enterprises | Lisa E. Scott
We are not certified mental health professionals and our website should not be used as a replacement for professional therapy, legal or medical advice.