aleisch's Story

Never let it be said that a Narc won't find a victim. I met my exN online. It was a whirlwind courtship. We met in March and got married by November of that same year. We just "connected". I couldn't believe that I met someone with whom I had so much in common.

Flash forward, and it's a different story. The magic began waning the minute I said that he should not take a certain job. This was five years into our marriage. Because it was against his "wishes", he began shutting me out and found an ex-girlfriend to commiserate his sorrows.

I tried very hard to make our marriage work. We actually separated twice within a two-year period. I had issues with his fliratious behaviour around other women and told him so. I did not know the extent of his actions until much later. I even asked once if he had a mental problem because he swung from one extreme to the other. (I was a very frank and outspoken person then).

However, I grew unhappy. I thought it was me. That I was expecting too much. That I was being unrealistic. That marriages go through their ups and downs. That I needed to be patient.

In the beginning, we agreed that I would delay college while he finished up and we were finally settled down somewhere. Each year it was one excuse or another. Not enough money. He was unhappy with his current job and wanted something new. The educational opportunities were not that great in the town we lived in. I got the same excuses for starting a family. Even for when we were supposed to have a large reception for our families since we had a very small and private ceremony. I always put it off as him being him.

Marriage counseling did not help as the counselor himself felt that all he needed to do was make us fall in love again. HUH? I was there to talk about our issues. And if they could not be resolved, then to move on with minimal collateral damage. By this time, we had two small children. I was suffering from ill health, physically unfit and very stressed out.

The driving catalyst for me was when his cell phone rang. We were all getting ready to leave the house for trick-or-treating. I recognized the area code and asked him baldly who it was (although I already knew deep down who it was). He responded and I got very angry. Firstly, he had vowed just days before (during counseling) that he had not spoken, written or connected with her. Now, she was calling him on his *new* cell phone number. Secondly, that he had the audacity to say that he had been in contact with her when the cell phone number was less than 30 days old. It drove me into a deep depression. I ended up in therapy.

I did not know what to do, what to say, how to talk about my feelings. I had spent so many years repressing the pain and hiding behind the denials. Gradually, I was able to get out from under that dark cloud. That was 3 years ago. I enrolled into the local community college (amid his protestations). I began taking care of myself physically and mentally (he accused me of cheating since it was suddenly a "brand new" me). I did this while still working full-time, taking care of the kids (driving them to their activities, cooking, cleaning, etc). He felt that I was not spending enough time with the family and that I was being selfish. He was only worried because it cut into his online porn time and he had to now get the kids ready for bed or for school.

Needless to say, marriage counseling fell to the way side. But that was more a reflection of his not wanting to admit that he was in the wrong. His reasoning - he was never intimate with any woman. I have since found emails from him to other women. He was very bold with his intentions in his emails. I sent every last one to a separate private email account and printed them out. They are now safely locked away for the future. Each day I am discovering more of his untruths. He posed as a single white male with kids or a divorced Dad on Craigslist. He went on a business trip with the intention of meeting another woman. He vowed that he only spoke to her on the phone. I have an email that said otherwise. Let's not discuss the time he took the kids to Orlando, FL and left me behind because he could not afford the extra ticket. The real reason was because he was going to meet another woman with 3 kids who lived down there. I don't think she knew he was married.

He is a horrible liar. His defense strategy is to avoid answering questions directly, especially if they could incriminate him. He tries to distract me by accusing me of something off-topic. There have been so many women. It was a sobering moment when my doctor asked me if I wanted to do a STD and AIDS test. That hit home hard.

With therapy, I learnt to become stronger. It was during therapy when I learnt about the narc personality. I never heard about it until my therapist brought it up. I resolved to learn about it. Because I felt that I needed to understand narcissism in order to change my approach in how I react and how I can posture myself against him.

The turning point for me was when I began reading one of those self-help books about women who were deceived by their partners. I finished it realizing that I was NOT CRAZY. I began researching on the narcissistic personality and I couldn't believe I was reading the script of the last 17 years of my life!

Healing has been a slow process for me. With each repressed memory, I am letting go of the pain and come to an understanding of how I can gain a positive change from it. There have been many tears. Many sleepless nights. But I am learning to love myself again. I am even beginning to see the old "me". I am rediscovering the things I enjoyed before I gave them up.

In retrospect, a lot of the warning signs were there. His avowal that I was the only one that he could talk to (his girlfriend never wanted to talk to him) or be open and honest with (HA!). Sex waned whenever he found someone else. His continual debasement of me as a person and my abilities (e.g. household chores, finances, school) undermined my self-confidence. I felt devalued and got to the point where I walked on eggshells and acted more like a servant versus a partner. Sex got to the point where it was all about his pleasure. I was rejected whenever I tried initiating any kind of intimacy (emotional or physical). He didn't like me to hold his hand because it was distracting (??). He didn't want to give me any affectionate kisses because he didn't like the taste of my lipstick (didn't bother him the 7 years prior).

The best thing I can do thrive. I am doing well in college and intend to graduate with a Bachelors and Masters degree in 5 years. I have received support from unexpected sources. I am being recognized on my own merit. I am greeting each new day with enthusiasm and pep (maybe it's those 4:30am workout sessions). I am smiling a hell of a lot more. Even my health and fitness levels have improved. I had my doctor speechless (one for the memory banks).

Right now, I forsee a long process as we proceed with the divorce. He does not want to give any financial support. I think that he will be in for a surprise, considering that he made 3 times as much as I did (at the time). He's pushing for mediation as it is the least costliest. However, I see it as a control ploy on his part. If lawyers were involved, he stands to lose much more. I have been living off school loans and unemployment for the past year and a half while he has been busy posing as the quintessential family man. He always says that he doesn't have any money. I guess the two computers he bought, or the SiriusXM subscription, or the brand new camping tents, bikes and bike rack were all bingo prizes. He is going to do his best to delay things. He's "Mr. Victim" because he does not understand why anyone would want to leave him. And I really don't care who sees it that way. They didn't have to live with him 24/7 or even to sleep with him. Perhaps that why he's been through three relationships (that I am aware of) so far since we've separated.

He refuses to communicate with me on matters concerning the kids until I sent an email to him explaining that we need to have effective and positive co-parenting. His acknowledgement that we needed to communicate better had me falling off the chair. What a joke!

I cannot believe how many years I've wasted waiting for him - to change his mind, to realize what he had, to admit his own wrong-doing. Never again! I have much better things to do with my time and energy. Funny thing is, I don't feel any bitterness towards him. Only pity. My only hope is that I get what is entitled to our children and to me. I wish that I can have no more contact with him but that is impossible with our kids. Regardless how I feel about him, he is still their father. And I intend to be demonstrate the proper model of behaviours for their sakes. Perhaps in time, there may be a good male role model in their lives. However, that's not high on my priority list. I have other things to focus upon. And I do not want to be in another relationship until I am a contented and happy "me". I am enjoying discovering new things about myself too much to want to stop right now.

Thanks for listening/reading.