Sumiko's Story
Sumiko's Story
Hello everybody!
I've been going through the forum reading posts, comments and stories in general. I've found it very interesting and it has helped me alot. I didn't know much about Narcissism until I started researching on it 2 weeks ago.
I will try to be brief as I can (it is not as brief as I planned it to be...) on my story:
I met him almost a year ago. After like 2 months into talking, reassuring how much we liked each other we started having an "exclusive relationship" 7-8 months ago. It's a LDR, we live in different countries and we haven't met yet.
At the beginning it was really good, but I wasn't quite "sure" about everything he'd say (I don't trust people very easily) but with the time everything started getting better and better to the point where, within 3 months or so of knowing each other he'd already know my mother, my brother, my friends and talk to them and tell them how happy he was, how great I was and how we were going to to get married, he sent me flowers and whatnot. This is when I started to take it more seriously and started to break my "trust" walls to him (even if I thought the marriage proposal was a bit too overwhelming for me at the moment).
He was charming, he seemed to be able to "read my mind" whenever I felt sad or happy, he wanted to see me grow professionally so he suggested to move in with him. I thought it was a great idea, not just because I could grow as a person (with him) but because I could grow professionally too (working internationally). He has ADD, and I was understanding how to cope with that, it wasn't really a problem for me.
I believe of myself to be very independent emotionally and (not yet, but soon) economically and someone who has alot of professional aspirations for the future. I believe that genders in relationships should be equal and communication is needed to achieve goals. I am an introverted person, yet, I like to share important moments, feelings and stages of my life with those closest to me. I am not the most confident person in the world but I know who I am, what are my pros and my cons.
I had some weird feelings (red flags more likely) before going into the relationship but I ignored them (will expose them later). When I really noticed some things started to "change" was around mid-May.
After my graduation I fell into a "post-graduation depression". It wasn't something really bad, I was just a little over sensitive because an important period of my life was over and another one was starting, I was feeling melancholic and pondering alot.
During this period (from May until 3 weeks ago) we didn't talk much like we used to do before. We both like to play online videogames so we overfocused on that during the summer. At the beginning I was fine with it but after awhile I started feeling like we were "falling apart" emotionally little by little.
Around mid-July was when I really saw how deteriored the relationship was. I felt lik he was avoiding to have any deep emotional contact with me, he was really different to the person I met in the beginning.
3 weeks ago we had an argument and a few days after, there was a misunderstanding (something that a third party from my side did that made him really really upset) that led to him giving me the silent treatment. That day (when the misunderstanding happened) I sent an e-mail explaining what had happened, I tried calling him and the third party involved sent him a few messages apologizing. After that, a week later, I sent an e-mail telling him that I understood his feelings but we couldn't solve things in silence and that if we could talk to get things through (I needed to do this so it didn't "stay on me" that I tried to solve the problem).
I haven't really begged, texted or tried to call him during this period. I don't engage in mind games.
A few days ago, he sent me a text saying "I'm still very, very angry, but I miss you" and instead of making me happy, it made me furious. And I know I shouldn't have answered but I really don't know if he is disordered or not because this is the first time he has ever treaten me this way, so I responded "I understand. I can relate to the feelings you are having right now" just to see if that would make him break the ice, apparently it didn't. So now, I am definite about cutting all kinds of communication with him, wether he is disordered or not, I don't deserve this.
I don't really feel "attached" to him (probably because it wasn't that much time spent and I never got to really meet him in person), though I do have strong feelings for him, but more than anything I am very confused for his behaviour. The first week was really bad, I think I was suffering Cognitive Dissonance at the time because I could not think straight or do my daily activities like I would normally do. Then I started reading more about Personality Disorders (among them I found Sam Vaknin's site and this forum) and it has helped me to avoid the negative feelings and to understand better my case and prevent future abusive relationships. I feel good in the sense that I found information not too late into the situation and I can still get out of it before it gives me worst headaches in a few years.
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Red flags I noticed during the time I was with him:
- We didn't argue much, but the two times we did, he was very hurtful with what he said and he never apologized or recognized his mistakes.
- He would make it as if nothing ever happened after the argument.
- Sometimes he was over-dramatic. Someone would say something funny and he'd laugh histerically or he would weep and cry over the death of a co-workers' mother-in-law.
- He always has to be the leader.
- He is divorced (apparently because his wife had cheated on him)
- He blamed his behaviour on his ADD.
- He had a really bad relationship with his father all his life. I believe, from what I've read so far, I think that the father was a N or even a P (lots of physical and verbal abuse during his childhood).
- He had to be always right.
- He was so proud on how his child was a little "him".
- He constantly told me how other men would be jealous of him for being seen with me and how he couldn't wait to introduce me to his friends.
- He sticked to this lame excuse to not be present during my graduation, even though I had told him with 1 or 2 months of anticipation so he could ask for approval at work.
- He applied the Silent Treatment just a few weeks ago (for first time, and hopefully last).
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Other things he'd do that make me question wether he is a Narcissist or not:
- He always told me how beautiful and perfect I was, he never degraded me or made me feel bad about myself or my flaws. Actually, he super-boosted my confidence and self-steem. (Perhaps I never hit the D&D stage?)
- Many times he was humble. (Or tried to just to keep appearances?)
- He is a great father to his child.
- He doesn't SEEM to put himself before others (though, he could have been doing it with other purpose).
- He always talked wonders about his mother.
- He got me some good opportunities to develop professionally and to build my contacts list.
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I don't know whether he is or not a Narcissist, Passive Aggressive or an Emotional Vampire, but I know this is dysfunctional and I have not intention on going back. I am just looking for answers.
It would be absolutely helpful and I would like to hear your responses and advice.
Thank you very much for taking the time to read my story.
sumiko, sweety,
spinning
Spinning, thank you very much
replied to you in private
Sumiko, You are in a very
Thanks for your response
58
Thanks Sparrow. Just been
58
Love it Sparrow!!!! Will keep
You have described everything
Hello Sparrow!I'm sorry if I
Sumiko
Thanks Hunter! I will