Sumiko's Story

14 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Aug 17 - 7PM
sumiko
sumiko's picture

Sumiko's Story

Hello everybody!

I've been going through the forum reading posts, comments and stories in general. I've found it very interesting and it has helped me alot. I didn't know much about Narcissism until I started researching on it 2 weeks ago.

I will try to be brief as I can (it is not as brief as I planned it to be...) on my story:

I met him almost a year ago. After like 2 months into talking, reassuring how much we liked each other we started having an "exclusive relationship" 7-8 months ago. It's a LDR, we live in different countries and we haven't met yet.

At the beginning it was really good, but I wasn't quite "sure" about everything he'd say (I don't trust people very easily) but with the time everything started getting better and better to the point where, within 3 months or so of knowing each other he'd already know my mother, my brother, my friends and talk to them and tell them how happy he was, how great I was and how we were going to to get married, he sent me flowers and whatnot. This is when I started to take it more seriously and started to break my "trust" walls to him (even if I thought the marriage proposal was a bit too overwhelming for me at the moment).

He was charming, he seemed to be able to "read my mind" whenever I felt sad or happy, he wanted to see me grow professionally so he suggested to move in with him. I thought it was a great idea, not just because I could grow as a person (with him) but because I could grow professionally too (working internationally). He has ADD, and I was understanding how to cope with that, it wasn't really a problem for me.

I believe of myself to be very independent emotionally and (not yet, but soon) economically and someone who has alot of professional aspirations for the future. I believe that genders in relationships should be equal and communication is needed to achieve goals. I am an introverted person, yet, I like to share important moments, feelings and stages of my life with those closest to me. I am not the most confident person in the world but I know who I am, what are my pros and my cons.

I had some weird feelings (red flags more likely) before going into the relationship but I ignored them (will expose them later). When I really noticed some things started to "change" was around mid-May.

After my graduation I fell into a "post-graduation depression". It wasn't something really bad, I was just a little over sensitive because an important period of my life was over and another one was starting, I was feeling melancholic and pondering alot.

During this period (from May until 3 weeks ago) we didn't talk much like we used to do before. We both like to play online videogames so we overfocused on that during the summer. At the beginning I was fine with it but after awhile I started feeling like we were "falling apart" emotionally little by little.

Around mid-July was when I really saw how deteriored the relationship was. I felt lik he was avoiding to have any deep emotional contact with me, he was really different to the person I met in the beginning.

3 weeks ago we had an argument and a few days after, there was a misunderstanding (something that a third party from my side did that made him really really upset) that led to him giving me the silent treatment. That day (when the misunderstanding happened) I sent an e-mail explaining what had happened, I tried calling him and the third party involved sent him a few messages apologizing. After that, a week later, I sent an e-mail telling him that I understood his feelings but we couldn't solve things in silence and that if we could talk to get things through (I needed to do this so it didn't "stay on me" that I tried to solve the problem).

I haven't really begged, texted or tried to call him during this period. I don't engage in mind games.

A few days ago, he sent me a text saying "I'm still very, very angry, but I miss you" and instead of making me happy, it made me furious. And I know I shouldn't have answered but I really don't know if he is disordered or not because this is the first time he has ever treaten me this way, so I responded "I understand. I can relate to the feelings you are having right now" just to see if that would make him break the ice, apparently it didn't. So now, I am definite about cutting all kinds of communication with him, wether he is disordered or not, I don't deserve this.

I don't really feel "attached" to him (probably because it wasn't that much time spent and I never got to really meet him in person), though I do have strong feelings for him, but more than anything I am very confused for his behaviour. The first week was really bad, I think I was suffering Cognitive Dissonance at the time because I could not think straight or do my daily activities like I would normally do. Then I started reading more about Personality Disorders (among them I found Sam Vaknin's site and this forum) and it has helped me to avoid the negative feelings and to understand better my case and prevent future abusive relationships. I feel good in the sense that I found information not too late into the situation and I can still get out of it before it gives me worst headaches in a few years.

-

Red flags I noticed during the time I was with him:

- We didn't argue much, but the two times we did, he was very hurtful with what he said and he never apologized or recognized his mistakes.
- He would make it as if nothing ever happened after the argument.
- Sometimes he was over-dramatic. Someone would say something funny and he'd laugh histerically or he would weep and cry over the death of a co-workers' mother-in-law.
- He always has to be the leader.
- He is divorced (apparently because his wife had cheated on him)
- He blamed his behaviour on his ADD.
- He had a really bad relationship with his father all his life. I believe, from what I've read so far, I think that the father was a N or even a P (lots of physical and verbal abuse during his childhood).
- He had to be always right.
- He was so proud on how his child was a little "him".
- He constantly told me how other men would be jealous of him for being seen with me and how he couldn't wait to introduce me to his friends.
- He sticked to this lame excuse to not be present during my graduation, even though I had told him with 1 or 2 months of anticipation so he could ask for approval at work.
- He applied the Silent Treatment just a few weeks ago (for first time, and hopefully last).

-

Other things he'd do that make me question wether he is a Narcissist or not:

- He always told me how beautiful and perfect I was, he never degraded me or made me feel bad about myself or my flaws. Actually, he super-boosted my confidence and self-steem. (Perhaps I never hit the D&D stage?)
- Many times he was humble. (Or tried to just to keep appearances?)
- He is a great father to his child.
- He doesn't SEEM to put himself before others (though, he could have been doing it with other purpose).
- He always talked wonders about his mother.
- He got me some good opportunities to develop professionally and to build my contacts list.

-

I don't know whether he is or not a Narcissist, Passive Aggressive or an Emotional Vampire, but I know this is dysfunctional and I have not intention on going back. I am just looking for answers.

It would be absolutely helpful and I would like to hear your responses and advice.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read my story.

Aug 18 - 1PM
spinning
spinning's picture

sumiko, sweety,

the silent treatment is a D & D. Here's what I'd like you to remember: WHEN SOMEONE SHOWS YOU WHO THEY ARE THE FIRST TIME, BELIEVE THEM. This guy thinks it's okay to act as if you don't exist because he perceived YOU or your friend did something wrong so he just abandons you and all that you shared? NOT IN YOUR WORLD! HE'S OUT. HE WROTE THE SCRIPT, HIS CHOICE TO BE SILENT. Now it's your choice to CLOSE THE DOOR. You do not need someone in your life who thinks this treatment of you is Okay. Who thinks this behavior is acceptable to sumiko. It is not. You know this. His motives for getting you to move in with him were ALL ABOUT HIM...(people would be so envious to see you on his arm, etc.) The silent treatment is ALL ABOUT HIM, TOO. It is to "get you in line." To "teach you a lesson" not to upset his sorry little ass. Note that after you calling, e-mailing, your friend apologizing he's "still angry but misses you." What BULLSH*T. It makes me literally want to vomit. This is the beginning of the eggshell walking you would have to do in order to have a so-called "relationship" with this creep. I apologize if this sounds harsh, sumiko, but this makes me so mad. It is NOT OKAY to be treated like this. It is my sincere hope that you do not contact him again and do not respond to his attempts to suck you back in. He showed you WHO HE IS and it's not a good sight. Whether he's NPD or PD or ADD or whathaveyou doesn't even matter. YOU KNOW HE'S A JERK WHO FEELS FREE TO DISCARD YOU AND IGNORE YOU and that's all the information you need to LOSE THIS LOSER. You have a great handle on things, sumiko, and a great future ahead of you. You don't need him and the turmoil he's already brought into your life. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. IT'S A CHOICE AND I CHOOSE ME. THE SICK FREAK TRIED HARD BUT HE COULDN'T TAKE ME DOWN!

spinning

Aug 19 - 2AM (Reply to #13)
sumiko
sumiko's picture

Spinning, thank you very much

Spinning, thank you very much for your "down-to-earthness" (if that is even a word). I liked that thing you said at the beginning of the message: "WHEN SOMEONE SHOWS YOU WHO THEY ARE THE FIRST TIME, BELIEVE THEM." because HE IS showing me who he is right now. Everyday I am more aware of the red flags I shouldn't have ignored in the beginning. I wish I could have found this site earlier to prevent this, but experience is the only one who will teach us and lead us through the path we have to walk. Like I said in the story, when he sent me that message, I felt nauseous rather than happy, because, yeah, he is "angry", he has been "angry" for 3 weeks and what about me? How the hell does he think I feel like? I will keep the NC. Though, I won't lie, sometimes I just feel like sending him an e-mail to let him know I am finished with him (I just can't handle the "no-clsure" thing). Not because I am expecting a response from him, but because I just want to end this FOR ME.
Aug 18 - 9PM
LucyL
LucyL's picture

replied to you in private

Hi Sumiko, I sent you a PM (private message) to respond. If you go to the homepage, to the right at the bottom you'll see "messages", just click on that. Or as soon as you log in, you'll see at the top that there are new messages for you
Aug 17 - 9PM
58 and going strong
58 and going strong's picture

Sumiko, You are in a very

Sumiko, You are in a very good position: You point out and analyze very clearly what's wrong; you have a long distance; and you say you are not really emotionally attached yet. Nonetheless, you are in narcville now. And that means you are susceptible, even if this particular relationship did not go too far before you ended it.- The things you describe about how he met your family and friends so openly and early on did send a huge red alarm off in my head. You may want to look deeper into 'gaslighting' methods. What you describe is part of it. I found Sam Vaknin's video very good, but there is a lot more out there online about it. Gaslighting is one of the worst and most massive attempts of manipulation. Yes, if it sounds too good to be true, it usually is! Good luck and stay alert and careful!
Aug 18 - 4AM (Reply to #10)
sumiko
sumiko's picture

Thanks for your response

Thanks for your response Going Strong, I really appreciate that you took a piece of your day to read my story. I am indeed very lucky that I found all this information before the relationship moved further into something more complicated. I have been reading alot about Personality Disorders, specially about N's and PA's and there are many traits that I could say he has. While I don't think he's an NPD, I do believe he has a few traits. And thanks for the recommendation of Gaslighting, I haven't yet read much on it but I will start researching on it. About how he met my closest ones, I didn't think that could be a red flag now that you mention it. I thought it was a good sign because (or that is my perception) men who don't want to get involved with your family are not ready to commit. He had a great relationship with everyone and none of my friends "sensed" anything weird about him. He is several years older than me so I thought I was dealing with a mature, responsible and committed man (my mistake, perhaps). It makes sense if he is disordered to want to make a good impression on the ones closest to me so they don't get suspicious. If you could explain a little bit more on how, on your perception, Gaslighting was being used towards my family and friends I would really appreciate it. The little I know about "Gaslighting" makes clear some of the things he once said that I can remember, like for example, saying that because I am young, it was normal that I didn't know what I wanted in life yet. A part of me didn't believe it but another part of me started questioning it.
Aug 17 - 10PM (Reply to #6)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

58

Very good point! Gas lighting for sure! Read as much as you can about it! Glad you pointed that out 58! You are dead on with that observation!
Aug 17 - 10PM (Reply to #7)
58 and going strong
58 and going strong's picture

Thanks Sparrow. Just been

Thanks Sparrow. Just been there, fully blown in a 4-week dating situation, fortunately as emotionally unattached as Sumiko appears to still be. Makes it soooooooooo much easier. Had to go there to find out that my 20+ years of 2nd marriage were not just 'disfunctional' but highly narc'ish . . . My 30-year old son commented on my date: He seemed so nice and you appeared so happy initially, but he really fooled us all - amazing ...
Aug 17 - 10PM (Reply to #8)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

58

I hear ya! That why one of my favorite quotes is...... " I will always cherish my initial misconception of you". LOL
Aug 17 - 10PM (Reply to #9)
58 and going strong
58 and going strong's picture

Love it Sparrow!!!! Will keep

Love it Sparrow!!!! Will keep that in mind for trial...
Aug 17 - 8PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

You have described everything

You have described everything it takes to be in an "emotional" relationship. Sometimes LDR's are harder because the bond becomes deeper. You have recognized the signs and found this forum, two very important things to discover. Keep in mind, and I can not stress this enough..........in a long distant relationship, they can EASILY become what they think you want them to be. It is so much easier to wear " the mask". You are in deeper then you think unfortunately, but make no mistake about it, you know what you are dealing with and you are taking the right steps to detach from it. Listen to your gut, it knows first and foremost. I am sure if you think back, there were red flags that were ignored initially. My hat is off to you, for seeing and wanting to broach the situation head on! Great start for you! My suggestion is to read, read, read........as many others will agree. And more importantly, NC.........you are at an advantage living far away, he is not in your backyard..........use that to your every advantage! Good luck and as Hunter would say, Welcome to narcville!
Aug 18 - 4AM (Reply to #4)
sumiko
sumiko's picture

Hello Sparrow!I'm sorry if I

Hello Sparrow! I'm sorry if I didn't make myself clear. I was in an emotional relationship because I involved my feelings and I love this person, what I meant is that I'm not co-dependent on him and I don't feel the urge to contact him because he is ignoring me or that my life has no sense without him. Everything I wanted was to talk about how I felt, to know how he felt and if it was the case, to have closure (now I know that is impossible with a N). I hope that makes sense. I won't say I'm at my best and I'm super happy right now, a break-up (and more when it's not even announced) it's difficult to get through with or without a N or P and I'm working myself on it and I know it will take time to fully heal. What has me shocked is how it changed almost from one day to another. What bothers me is the uncertainty of not being informed enough (by him withdrawing and leaving me without an answer) to take a decision because I firmly believe a relationship is worked between 2 persons (before I knew about all this PD stuff). I am aware I should not be chasing him because I did everything I could do to work things out and move forward. If he is still angry, he is the only one able to change his situation. I agree with you on that it is much easier to keep the "mask on" while on a LDR because you don't have to deal with the person directly (as in face-to-face) all the time, and that is something I never "forecasted" (because I believed in his intentions). Thank you very much for your advice and I will keep with NC. If anything new arises, I will post to know your opinions. Also, thanks for taking your time to read my story.
Aug 17 - 8PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Sumiko

Welcome, The best thing to do is join in ask lots of questions! NC is the only way to move forward! Hunter
Aug 17 - 11PM (Reply to #2)
sumiko
sumiko's picture

Thanks Hunter! I will

Thanks Hunter! I will absolutely keep on NC.