LucyL's Story

Have you guys heard of anyone who was able to get rid of a narc, for good?

Has anyone ever cheated with a narc? Was anyone blackmailed by a narc because of that?

Finding this forum was a great step on my recovery from a relationship I had with a NARC almost 13 years ago. I’ve been reading a lot about narcissism, co-dependency (which I am), and love limerence (thinking about someone throughout the years for no reason) to try to understand what’s missing in my life and grow out of this situation. Therapy alone did not help.

However, my situation is now somewhat complicated as I cheated on my hubby with the narc.

I dated the NARC in 1999 when I was studying in another town. I always found him kinda weird when we were dating: he had terrible mood swings. He never seemed to like my friends and would be really quiet around them at times and really lovely and nice at other times. He didn’t have many friends of his own. Basically, looking back, I was always trying to cheer him up like it was my fault he was on a bad mood. It was also a really sexual relationship.

I went back home and we kept in touch. He visited me a couple of times. Then I decided to try and move permanently to his town so I could be with him. He broke up with me a month after I announced it saying “he wasn’t ready for anything serious”. Then, I found out about all his internet dating, all profiles he’s had on dating sites, porn sites and more.

I never confronted the narc- I just let it go, started dating another guy and married him 7 yrs ago- a lovely nice man.

Thing is: the narc never stopped contacting me. He disappears for some time and then he’s back again. I was never completely over him; I always thought about him since, even though I love my hubby.

My only contact with the narc was through email. And sporadically on msn. All his emails are always complaining of loneliness, saying "girls don't like him" and do not offer more details of his life. He even tried to add me to Facebook a few years back and I ignored it. Until this year when I completely messed it all up.

I hit a big life crisis where I put into question my marriage, and my whole life. One day I saw the Narc online on msn and decided to unblock him. He immediately said hi and started chatting to me.

And then he started complaining (as usual) about being single and that “no one seems to like him”.This guy is older- now 41 yrs old, pretty well-off and never had a relationship that last more than one year. Well, that’s when I decided to disclose to him the fact that I never forgot him. I was hoping he would go away after that. I read that full disclosure sometimes help us moving on. But I only made it worse.

He started emailing me several times a day. And chatting with me online. In those days, my anxiety levels were up the roof. He ended up coming to my town and I cheated on my loved one with him- one time. I've never cheated on anyone before...

After that happened, I couldn’t stop thinking about the narc. When I told him, he said that was I was very pretty but “I was not his type of girl”. He even mentioned that he was getting a “mail order bride” on a 3rd world country so that he wouldn’t be alone…

After this, his emails became less frequent: he still writes but I'm slowly stopping to reply and went back to blocking him on messenger. And now I decided I’m strong enough not to reply to any of the emails. I already ignored the past two. I also told him he would no longer hear from me and that we cannot be friends but that didn’t work.

I know what I did was extremely bad. However, if I didn’t have this increased contact with the narc, now that I am much older than before, I would never have seen his real face. This allowed me to finally decide to grow out of the narc’s control. And I do feel sad to have involved my hubby on it.

However, I’m afraid that If I go “no contact”, the narc will try to do something to get my attention by messing up my life- such as blackmailing me or else. What do I do? Did I give him control of me by doing what I did? How do fix this? Should I tell my loved one?