I'm still pretty new here and slowly getting comfortable posting. I'm more of a reader and ever since my birthday last month (the last D&D) I have been researching narcissism and reading other peoples experiences. I have yet to post my story, it's only 2 years, a short period of time in comparison to those who post here. But its very confusing nonetheless.
I'm still struggling to figure out if he is an N or not.
(He probably is, but I'll explain my confusion and how things got blurred) Yes, I know a toxic relationship is a toxic relationship so it shouldn't matter what he is. But I find comfort in getting answers and making sense of all this confusion. It helps me feel more grounded and less dizzy, like I'm getting my sanity back because things start to make more sense.
The lines all got blurred in my relationship because while in the honeymoon stage the guy got into a horrific accident. He was too good to be true while in the honeymoon stage (overly romantic and such an all around good guy) then the accident propelled the relationship into getting serious too fast.
What is the worst thing that can happen to a supposed Somatic Narc (underwear model)?
To become a burn victim. His immaculate body is now scarred with third degree burns all over. His face was ok though.
I stayed with him through his time in the hospital. It was a whirlwind of events. If I wasn't working my fulltime job I was at the hospital by his side for about two months straight. It was exhausting being in the burn unit and I was already emotionally hooked. How could I not be? Daily, I was holding the hand of a dying man I thought was amazing. I cried when he cried, I felt his pain in seeing his pain especially through all the surgeries. My heart bled for him! I fell, hook, line, and sinker.
This is where everything gets blurred. Was he disordered before his accident but I just didn't know because we were in the honeymoon stage? Or is he a man with psychological problems from being in such a horrific accident?
He changed after he got out of the hospital. He wasn't healed yet, still had to go back for surgeries, could not drive, hardly could walk without a cane, still had lots of physical therapy to go through. He was stuck at his parents home on the couch day in and day out, a drastic change from the on-the-go pace he was used to.
I tried to visit him, but it was less than when he was in the hospital because he lives an hour away from me. He didn't like that. We started fighting a lot. I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt when we fought because the accident was a life changing experience.
This is my question. Can a non narc who goes through such a life changing accident then automatically know how to use narc tactics?? And adopt narc defenses?
He was overly jealous (something he did show a little of even before the accident, he didn't want me having guy friends because he said its not that he doesn't trust me, he doesn't trust guys), He would constantly check up on me to see what I was doing, If I was at home he would be cool about it. If I was going to eat with friends and told him my plans, his tone of voice would change and he would ask me what time I would be done eating. I'd give him a guestimate time but when I would call him to tell him that I'll be there longer than expected because we're all catching up he would not be happy.
He would accuse me of lying (I never lied to him so Idunno why he thought I was) but I would catch him in little lies, he'd tell me I'm rushing him when I asked him why am I not his girlfriend yet (though I stayed by his side in the hospital, I already met his family, plus it was about 5 months of dating), he would tell me he wouldn't get my texts or calls sometimes, and when I asked him if he got my vmail he said no, but I would get mad because you can't NOT get my vmail, you can not get my txts or calls but a vmail is recorded!
What else...he told me to give him my bag of "goodies". He told me sex toys are equivalent to cheating on him. At the time I did not see it as controlling, because he seductively told me that I wouldn't be needing them anymore. I thought oOoh!! So I obliged. He told me he was going to throw them away. I told him no or else I won't give it to him, so he said he'll just keep them for me. I haven't seen them since.
We were always on and off. And in hindsight I always would end up apologizing after a few days of his silent treatment because I missed him and I was tired of fighting. Nothing was ever his fault. And in his mind it was me that liked to fight, or I wanted to fight because I was PMSing.
And if I didn't call him first, he would get in touch and act like nothing happened. And I would ask him why are you acting like nothing happened? And he would get mad and tell me because it doesn't matter and he doesn't hold grudges! And blame me for still wanting to fight with him. And wouldn't apologize, I just had to except the fact that we were "on" again and he was acting "normal".
I also thought maybe his behavior was cultural if it wasn't the accident. He was raised in the US but his parents were not. I don't mean to offend anyone with my statement, its an observation. But he is Latino he is very machismo and stubborn. He told me his father told him not to ever let anyone disrespect him. Before the accident he loved to get into fights with men that "disrespected" him. He said he used to do MMA training, and he would tell me how he loved an audience watching him fight in highschool, nightclubs, etc. I almost witnessed one when a guy was standing too close to me when I was dancing with the "N" at a club. He went after the guy and got into his face but I pushed the "N" back because I didn't know what was happening, trying to stop it from escalating. The other dude backed down and walked away. I saw such rage in this eyes. And I told him don't you ever do that! And asked him why he did that. He said he was too close to me and that he would step on me if he didn't tell him to move. I calmed him down and we enjoyed the rest of the night.
I saw this incident as a redflag early on, I've never dated guys who fought. I was actually concerned enough to talk to a friend about it. (This was before the accident, so my heart wasn't fully in it yet..I didn't know if I should stay). My friend, who is Mexican was totally enamored with the fact that he was so protective over me. She told me that Hispanic men will fight for the women they love and convinced me that he cared about me and that its a good thing.
I thought he was just overly machismo (likes to be in charge, fights for respect, stubborn at times, overly romantic, and very family oriented.) He was all about family. He loved his parents dearly and respected their word. And though they hardly spoke any English, I could see they are loving parents.
He was a mama's boy, his mother took very good care of him after the accident. His father, from how he describes him is a hard worker, and very strict.
His parents are the stereotypical hispanic parents. And I wonder hypothetically, if that stereotype is one to bring about a narc son? An overly loving mother who spoils her son, and a strict emotionless father, who teaches his son from a young age that it is not ok to cry, emotion=weakness. Always fight for your respect, take no mercy. But then again, not all hispanic men with this parental dynamic turn out to be narcs so idunno. Thoughts?
An emotionally unstable burn victim? An overly machismo man, a victim of his cultural environment? Or simply a disordered narcissist? Or all of the above??
That first year was child's play. We fight over stupid crap and we'd be back together after about 3 days.
The big D&D that changed everything was his birthday. Fighting has become more frequent by this point but I was determined to do something nice for him, I wanted him to smile on his birthday. It was such a hard year for him with the accident and all. He was still recovering and still on pain meds (another excuse I told myself for his behavior, all his different meds must be making him the way he is).
My mentor passed away around the time of his birthday. And her funeral was scheduled on his birthday. He was not a happy camper. He accused me of lying. I told him why would I lie about that?? I could tell he was jealous that a funeral was scheduled on the same day as his birthday. I took the day off and I told him I'd go see him after the funeral. I asked him his plans and he kept telling me he didn't know. That his parents would probably plan a dinner for him. I told him to keep me updated.
I called him before the funeral and asked him again about his plans. Again he told me the same thing but still didn't know the time of the dinner, again I told him well when you know the times let me know.
I baked him surprise cupcakes but didn't bring it to the funeral because obviously it would be inappropriate. So I planned to drive 30 minutes to my house in the opposite direction to pick them up then drive an hour to his parents place.
I called him after the funeral to let him know I was out and to see if he found out the times. He was not happy. He told me i made him look dumb. His parents were waiting on me but they all decided to leave without me.
I was like what??! I told him why did he not call or text me the times when he found out?! He told me I should have called him and told him when the funeral would end. I told him there was not a set time for the funeral to end!! I was busy saying last goodbyes and mourning a death. He should have texted me!!
I told him tell me the address of the place I'll drive and meet him up. He refused, he told me no I made him look dumb in front of his parents. He told me to go home and he'll just call me later and maybe he'll let me meet him up at the house depending on when they get home. I asked him for a estimate time, he refused to give me one.
I started crying and begging for him to let me meet them up. This angered him. He told me no go home, that I'm ruining his birthday.
I still wanted to surprise him with cupcakes (silly me, but I put so much love into my baking) and I was half way to his town that I decided I'll just go to the mall parking lot in his town and stay in the car with the cupcakes and read a book so I can at least be in the area when they are done eating so I can drop off the cupcakes and head home. I had work early the next day so if I went home now, I would not be able to make the hour drive back because it was already late afternoon.
He called and asked me if I was on my way home. I told him no I'm almost to his town, I'll just read a book and wait at the mall. He was furious at that. He told me he REFUSES to have "some girl" waiting for him in a parking lot, and that I was creepy. I wept hard, I was already emotionally distraught from a funeral earlier that day, and now it broke my heart to hear the man I held his hand through his darkest hours, tell me that I'm just some girl and that I was creepy. He told me again just go home!! you're ruining my birthday!! I told him about the surprise cupcakes but he still didn't seem to care.
I turned the car around and he asked me what I was going to do. I told him idunno. He was mad, he told me tell me when you find out! And he then got off the phone.
I haven't eaten all day because I thought I was eating with him and his family. I called up my friend and she was eating at a wings place with her fiance and his best friend, all mutual friends of mine. They gladly invited me to eat with them when they heard that I wasn't going to spend the day with my guy like planned.
I still did what he wanted and told him plans after I made them. Again, this angered him because I didn't go directly home. He accused me of ruining his birthday and that I was going to party like always. (He always accuses me of being a "club rat", I don't even go out that much, only once in a blue moon and I stopped at the time because I felt bad about his accident and his pain, I wasn't in the mood to go out and I spent my free time sitting next to him watching movies) I told him I'm not partying I'm eating wings, I'm hungry I haven't ate all day. And he accused me of going there to be around guys. I told him no but I hope you have a good birthday I tried to be there with you, I never wanted to ruin it but I keep ruining things for you. So I'll leave you alone. Call me or text me later.
I thought he just needs some time to cool off and he can get in contact with me when he feels better because no matter what I do I kept ruining things. I cried while throwing away the cupcakes. I stayed up late the night before to make them, and now they were nothing but trash.
It just wasn't fair. My birthday was a month before his and he told me he would take me out to eat. A few days before my birthday his phone started acting up and I didn't hear from him till after my birthday. He said the network was out. I asked him if we were still going to go eat, he told me my birthday already passed. I was just kinda like whatever about it I didn't care either because it already passed and I didn't feel like celebrating, I was too tired. But I never made a big deal about it or accused him of ruining my birthday.
I thought he would get in touch after he cooled off but I didn't hear from him that night. I cried everyday. A week passed. Nothing. I finally texted him and called. No response.
A year before that I got out of a 5.5 year relationship, it was painful but nothing compares to heartbreak I felt for this man. The emotional pain swallowed me whole. I kept thinking maybe I should have skipped the funeral for his birthday. But I'd shake my head and think no that doesn't sound right.
I became obsessed with him. Does he hate me? Does he miss me? It can't be over, I was with him while he was dying! Did he meet someone new? Can he meet someone new? He can't drive anywhere and he's always at home?? etc. My thoughts ran wild. We had no mutual friends, no facebook, nothing for me to know what he was up to. I frantically researched on ways to get him back. I loved him, I didn't want to lose him over a funeral.
I sent him a birthday card I did not get to give him that day. I typed him up a letter with my feelings for him explaining how I didn't want to ruin his birthday and I'm sorry to him and his parents and I didn't want to give up on us.
A few days later he sends me a text stating that he got my card. I asked him if he liked it. He said he did. And we stopped talking again. I was frustrated!
I was so drained, he was my every waking thought, every dream. I desperately wanted to drive and hour to his house and talk to him in person. My girlfriends told me I should. But I didn't want to be "creepy" girl that just shows up waiting for him outside his house.
My mind was consumed, but honestly I really thought it was over between us at this point.
Three months go by and there it was, a text from him..
"I miss you"
dun dun dun!!
Omg, this took forever to type. I need a part 2 to get to where I'm at now. But at a later time.
But any thoughts, comments, insights??