Why do narcissists marry so quickly during the luring phase?

Why do narcissists marry so quickly during the luring phase?
1

A lot of conversations here about N/P/S/ and cohabitating. But what about those that want to marry you so fast? Why do they do this? If Pathologicals cannot commit, why do they want to rush into marriage? If you followed this particular fast paced dating relationship that turned into marriage, how long was it before he asked you to marry him? Mine just remarried after knowing his online dating victim less than five months? I know someone else here said her N split and married someone in THREE WEEKS???

But if they cannot be emotionally intimate and hate women, why do they want to marry so fast?

peacefulsong's picture

Married 4 Months Into The Relationship

Mine asked me to marry him after less than 2 months. We were married 2 months later, so 4 months total from our meeting to being married.

Before we got married he always told me he only needed a woman in his life for two reasons – sex and going out with.

But as soon as we got married he also started demanding that I "do something"... He started asking me "to contribute" by either cleaning his house, cooking, grocery shopping, or chipping in financially.

MyTurnToBe Free's picture

Fast

I was the fifth marriage for my N. The marriage before ours he said he didn't count because they were never married long enough for them to even live together. He said she was bi-polar and didn't realize it until after they were married. That marriage lasted six weeks. It took longer to get divorced than the marriage lasted.

I met my N online, met quickly, moved in together quickly and were married within six weeks. He was raising two teenaged daughters so I thought it was mostly for propriety sake. Although I wanted to wait a year before marrying he was insistent. As soon as I gave in and we were married the issues began with me not living up to his standards. I thought I was pretty darn good before meeting him but boy did I learn quickly that I had a lot of things I had to work on in order to stay in this marriage!

Lasted seven years. Ended as quick as it started!

Pumpkin's picture

Pumpkin

For supply. For a built in maid, someone to cook, clean, cut the grass, clean the vehicles, do the laundry. And they can't stand to be alone.

Miss Brownville's picture

They hurry to secure their new supply before being discovered!

It's all about control; finding a new supply source and securing that source much like an animal in the wild would want to do before another predator could steal it.

If he waits too long, the drug of the honeymoon phase begins to wear off and the new supply source might reconsider and then escape, which means he loses control.

The N was married three times and also said, as one poster commented, that he didn't ever want to be alone. That was a huge red flag, one I hastily ignored in my hurry to hear more of his outrageous flattery. The excessive flattery was its own red flag, of course.

So thankful I got away before letting him move in,which he pursued early on with full force. He then eased off as I began to see what he really is and verbally objected.

Today is day 44 of NC and every day is a gift, better than the one before. Yes, I still imagine what I would do if he contacted me, etc., etc., but now I have many thoughts that are NOT all about him. That's good because it means sometimes, one of us is NOT focusing on him, heh heh.

Emerald11's picture

This topic is interesting to

This topic is interesting to me because I met my N as he was going through his first divorce. He was totally against the idea of marrying again. Definitely seemed horrified at the idea. He was Mr. Cautious and Hesitant. After things ended, he proceeded to find someone else, and was like a different person--let her move in, and within a year and a half they were married. He didn't know that I knew this, and I drove myself crazy trying to figure out why her and not me.

So they divorced after a year of marriage, and he came back around. I wanted to know why he married her, and he didn't have an answer. He DID say though that he discovered she had a drug problem, and that he was kind of glad that he had a reason to end things because "her attitude changed pretty quick after marriage...I was done with her." He was financially sufficient and owned a home so it wasn't for the money or to sponge off of her, that much I know. If anything I think it had more to do with proving to himself that he could do it, like "hey look how normal I am." I also got the impression that he was one of the ones who just doesn't seem to take marriage seriously at all, like it doesn't really mean anything. This was a total 180 from his attitude about the first marriage, when he was angry and bitter that she had left him because "he was in it til death do us part" (although I remember him using the "her attitude changed" line when describing that marriage to me as well).

I asked him once if he was expecting me to just be ok with someday being his third wife, and he said something like, "well if I was in your shoes it wouldn't bother me, I would just look at it like a long-term relationship." So yeah, marriage = just a piece of paper for some, just something they do to keep up the facade.

Goldie's picture

Why not?

Home base.

Cake and eat it too.

Steady supply.

Cuz they can.

Cuz someone agreed to it.

Janie53's picture

Why do they marry so fast?

Guaranteed supply aka as secondary supply!

Stay true to you!
Janie

Butterfly1313's picture

Could have been me

The exN told me he had always thought he would never marry again if his marriage fell apart. But then - cue the trumpets - he met me. He told me without a doubt he would ask me to marry him someday. We even "planned" the wedding (at least on paper). This made me so happy, since we were still in the honeymoon phase. But neither of us were free to marry, and by the time my marriage broke up, his mask had slipped. Once we were free to be together, I was asking him hard questions so he moved on. I thank God he did!

Hunter's picture

They are LIARS, USERS AND

They are LIARS, USERS AND LOSERS!

They do what they need to do to meet their needs!

Its not one size fits all.. My Narc has never been married!

Recovery is not about the Narc its about you .. BTW .. It take 2 to say I do ., one might ask why either party would rush into a marriage !

Hunter

WalkingByFaith's picture

Happened to Me

I met him last June through an online dating service called plentyoffish.com and BAM--- a few months later, we got married. (He wouldn't let me back out) it was like he rushed me the whole time just to make me a slave of some kind. I know "I allowed" myself to get married because I too thought I was in love with him, I was blinded by all the "showering" of his love and kindness, etc.

A few "weeks" after we got married, he turned our union into me taking orders and when I say there was no affection and love later, that is what happened. I felt like anytime he made me uncomfortable or sad, he would get ANGRY and CUSS me out QUICKLY, regardless of how BIG or SMALL the situation. I basically had to keep my mouth shut and allow him to control my entire life (my children = his stepchildren, my income, my "time" spent with friends, the chores, everything) I felt like ALL of me was being replaced by some other person. I felt like a robot. He basically wanted sex when he wanted it and I almost felt raped half the time. (sad to admit) but I was losing myself and felt empty--

I didn't know there was such thing as "marital rape"--- or some kind of phrase like so... but I felt like when he was doing his "business" I remember trying to stop him and he forced it---- I shed tears the entire time... silently...

RedMist's picture

Lol it is so funny how they

Lol it is so funny how they are so similar and predictable but with just a slightly tailored approach to their abuse to suit their victim!

So we were engaged within six months. First child arrived three years later but we never married.

Why? Because I wanted it more than anything. He often used it as a form of manipulation and blackmail. If you behave this way we can get married, if you agree to this we can get married..etc.

I told him last year that my biggest fear was that he would run of with OW and get married because that would kill me... Talk about handing him my destruction on a plate!

I have no doubt in my mind he will marry her. She has a wealthy family, owns her own home and has contacts in an industry he adores. Oh and the added bonus he thinks he will destroy me!

Things have changed now tho, whilst I have no doubt that announcement will hurt like hell, I am not even for a second thinking it is because I wasn't good enough.

OW is desperate for kids... That will be her poison no doubt.

I have my kids the only thing good to come from this nightmare. He could marry Jennifer Aniston, he would still be a lying cheating bastard.

Good luck to her.

Much Love. RM xxx

Swan's picture

that's easy!

So its too late when you finally catch on the monster that they truly are....you are already legally bound to this nightmare and it isn't so easy to break free from them.

WalkingByFaith's picture

It is....

It IS easy.....

Remember, it's a choice to entertain them. Whether you may love him or not, love is a choice, not a feeling------

You CAN and WILL break free, IF YOU REALLY want to....

- Sarah

Nemesis's picture

Sunafterrain

I think it is to do with power and control.

My narc ex said he wanted us to get engaged very early on in the relationship during a time when I was busy pursuing lots of interesting and exciting opportunities that didn't include him. The manner with which he said it was very controlling. He said "I want to be engaged to you by Christmas", which actually wasn't a question and implied that I didn't have a choice in the matter. I think this was a way of asserting his "ownership" of me.

Shortly after this was said I went through a period of illness. We never did actually get engaged. Christmas came and went and he never mentioned it again.

Susan32's picture

Marriage as ownership

The ex-Psych prof is obsessed with "War and Peace",and in the first epilogue Leo Tolstoy describes Natasha giving herself COMPLETELY to Pierre, and that she "puts herself in the position of slave." It DEFINITELY is about ownership. The ex-P wanted to own me. Early on, he wanted to rush me into marriage. He wanted a weeklong courtship like Leo and Sofia Tolstoy. With the ex-P, it was more like "I want to get married" rather than getting on his knees and saying "Will you marry me?"

When he married his girlfriend, it was as an afterthought. He married her AFTER she gave birth. So, when I assumed they were engaged because they were living together... maybe that was just ME. Perhaps there were no intentions of getting married. Perhaps if she didn't get pregnant he wouldn't have married her. They've stayed married for the past decade... and there have been naysayers who assumed they wouldn't last.

onwithmylife's picture

Nemisis

liked what you said about power and control, when I went to read an old letter from the narc, he always used the I have plans for us", we needed to makes plans together, it is a lot about ownership of another person that they see as an extension of themselves, it all fits in very well.

agnesmurphy17's picture

Marry Quickly

Gee. I married my N after dating 6 months. We knew each other about 6 months before we started "dating" -- ie intimate relationship.

I said at the time that I am throwing all caution to the wind marrying a man I hardly knew. N did not like me saying that. So I stopped. Why did I marry a total stranger? Well, I was very lonely after almost a decade of frogs & having had my heart broken twice. He was handsome, educated, well-employed & treated me well. His parents were fantastic. He told me I made him happier than any woman ever had in his life. (I would learn he told that to my replacement as well.) He wanted a relationship. (So refreshing after so many men who go out on a date & the first thing they say is: "I don't want to be in a relationship." -- code word for I want a f**k buddy.)

Although he had money . . . he wanted to buy a house which was above his financial means. Now I know he married me to access my capital to buy the house. Early on in the relationship I had made it very clear that I would not live nor buy property with a man if I was not married to him. And I meant it. He asked me to marry him because he had no choice.

The abuse started within weeks of the marriage & closing on the house one week after we married. I left after 2 1/2 years. Lost a lot of money to his enrichment.

He took up with a woman the day I left. They planned on marrying. She moved into the house I co-owned with him after she knew him 4 months. He tried to get her to buy into the house which he had to pay me money for upon our divorce. She had valuable material possessions & collections which he wanted. And, he could be on her health insurance & cancel his with his employer. (I am self-employed & continue on his group policy as long as he does not remarry or terminate.) He was proposing to her in the first month of their relationship (I think to con her into buying into the house because the bank would not refinance for him there alone.) She contacted me & told me everything after she left him. (He was much more abusive to her than to me.)

They marry or cohabitate because there is something in it for them. Usually, money, sex & services (domestic & secretarial). And a party makes them the center of attention for the day. And a married woman is less likely to run away than a live-in.

brandnew's picture

"They marry or cohabitate

"They marry or cohabitate because there is something in it for them. Usually, money, sex & services (domestic & secretarial). And a party makes them the center of attention for the day. And a married woman is less likely to run away than a live-in."

Narc moved in with OW about 3 months after the D&D. She moved with him across the country with him to live with his parents and four out of five of his kids at 8 months. She is there for convenience. She watches my kids full-time. He will marry her only if he is not where he wants to be and she is threatening to leave.

Narc told me during D&D, that, "Don't be surprised if I meet and marry someone in two weeks, I'm ready now. It's your fault and your loss."

So twisted.

So glad I'm out.

BrandNew

Sunafterrain's picture

Agnes

Wow. Thank you for sharing your story. You left after two and a half years. That's not less likely to run away from my perspective anyway. You got out sooner than most do. Thank the good Lord that you saw what was happening. My ex married his first wife within the first year. He said he married her so he could have sex (he was nineteen at the time and came from an extremely religious home). She split four years later with their child and never looked back.

Second marriage, he proposed within seven months. Married at almost one year. Second wife was very apprehensive about marrying him and he said "her abuse" was taking place before the marriage ever happened. I now know it was the opposite. This one was five months, if that. He is heavily in debt and wanted to remodel his house. Your story sounds so similar to those he was married too, although the first and second marriages lasted a lot longer than yours. I'm curious, Agnes, when the replacement called to speak with you, did you hear things that were similar in nature as to what happened to you? What made you realize that he was just using you and that you felt compelled to leave?

agnesmurphy17's picture

replacement

The replacement (NW) found me about 3 months after she left him. I think she had difficulty finding me because I had moved so much in the last few years. Move with N, move away from N. She found somebody who gave her my e-mail.

Oh, he said the same lines of endearments. Wrote the same phrases in his love letters. The abuse was identical. But also tailored specifically. I was not impressed with threats of suicide. She was really upset by such threats. He used slightly different manipulation tactics based upon our unique weaknesses.

I think I knew within 6 months of the marriage that he had married me to buy a house. but I went into denial. The D&D started almost immediately after the puchase of the house & moving in. It was a real Dr. J & Mr. H situation. The cycle of abuse was about 7-10 days. And when he was Mr. H -- the things he said were HORRIBLE. And then, poof, as if nothing happened. I was to "forget" -- And he never apologized because he had not intended to hurt me -- If I was hurt that was my problem because I saw things that way. And if I felt any hesitation or reserve, I was attacked for holding grudges. Attacked for being a petty & small person for nursing grudges over trifles. But all his RAGE was over trifles.

Seriously, if a person loves another -- they do not spend 33% or more of a relationship doing the silent treatment. They do not spend every holiday making a theater & a drama to ruin everything. They do not make clear that work is first, the gym second, the house renovation 3rd, and then maybe -- just maybe -- the wife 4th. It's not rocket science.

I lasted as long as I did because I used tranquilzers for awhile. And, of course, I was married. And I had no where else to go. I was financially strapped for ready cash because I gave everything to him. My check was spent before it was even issued by my employer. I plotted my escape for about 6 months. I stopped giving money to the house. I went to therapy alone. And I found a girlfriend who allowed me to rent a room in her house.

I think the final catalyst for me was when I read Robin Stern's book, THE GASLIGHT EFFECT. I read what my N was doing. He is a poster child for what she calls the Intimidator Gaslighter. She said these are the most dangerous & they often go to physical violence. he was beginning with he physical when I left. (Spitting, shoving, threatening violence.) When I read this book, I finally recognized that I was NOT the crazy one. That I was afraid all the time because he was indeed a dangerous man. If a woman writing a book could write out the exact words 7 tacktics my N was doing -- Hell, I better scram. This had zero to do with me (as my N said). He was a twisted creature & it was time to go.

I contacted the first ex-wife., She lasted 20 years. She told me that he was physically violent. And that I was correct. I sensed that he was trying to push me into what I believed to be depraved sexual acts. Truing me into an object. She said he was totally into S/M. He kept all that a secret from me. Was gradually training me & tearing me down. Trying to make me completely submissive. The man is a MONSTER. And a well-respected university professor. It's too creepy.

Susan32's picture

Who is Harry Nilsson?

Harry Nilsson wrote the '60s hit song "One is the Loneliest Number." He rushed his third wife, Una, into marriage, proposing marriage to her on the night they met. She was 19, newly arrived in NYC from Ireland, he was in his 30s... and on the day of the wedding, Harry called it Hell, and was intoxicated at the ceremony.

In the documentary "Who is Harry Nilsson? And why is everybody talking about him?" the marriage between Harry&Una is romanticized, despite the fact he was still heavily into drugs&drinking after the wedding. Harry fathered 5 or 6 kids with Una;she idolizes him.

But it's the rush into marriage that's unnerving. Like many Narcs, Harry sabotaged his success, he was self-destructive, his palling around with John Lennon is described as a "friendship made in Hell."

Una married Harry when she barely knew him;he was drunk when she married him. When he died of a heart attack in the '90s (he was in his 50s),he'd tell her "I'll make you a rich young widow."

Harry Nilsson struck me as a classic, alcoholic Narc. He resented never being as famous as the Beatles, tho the Beatles respected him.

My mother would compare the ex-Psych prof to Harry Nilsson.

Deidre40's picture

Good question. I think in

Good question. I think in their mind’s eye, they see their failed relationships as always someone else’s fault or doing. Every one of us shares that common thread—we were abused, but the abuser made us feel we were to blame. A very strong trait with narcissists is that they don’t admit wrong. They either won’t…or can’t. They perceive themselves as the end all, be all of existence…and if you fail to shower them with compliments, and praise…they retaliate…either by leaving their victims, or by abusing them. Mine did the latter. I eventually broke things off. I truly think they want to be normal, in some way. I can’t imagine going through so many failed marriages as my ex did and not thinking that he had something to do with it. But, sadly…I remember the stories. He blamed all of his ‘’crazy’’ ex’s. I’m sure I’m in that category now….lol You know you’re healing when…you don’t care what they think of you, or say about you anymore.

Smitten Kitten's picture

They marry quickly in order

They marry quickly in order to trap their new supply source before the mask slips and the new victim catches on and leaves. It takes a lot of energy to wear that mask and they can only keep it up for so long. Once they're married, they can relax and show their true colors because now their supply is stuck and not going anywhere. At least not for a while. Now there's a binding, legal commitment that's much harder to get out of. And since the N regards their supply as their property, marriage "solidifies" it. This is also why pregnancies are often quick to follow the marriage. Another tool to trap the victim.

Cgrl's picture

Lobo

He married her because it is not so easy for her to leave now - is it????

Money....security....supply....roof over his head....can
use her....can lie to her....she is most probably an alcoholic...

Basically he can pull some massive shit on her and turn it around to mean so many things because he knows she is an addictive personality, hence the alcohol. He can really give it too her.

And do what he always does.

You on the other hand - were making DEMANDS on him.
Time to leave lobo........she is getting smart. Cant have her dump me.

Reddley's picture

Ok I am thoroughly curious

Ok I am thoroughly curious now.

How do these fuckers who marry and remarry and remarry etc pay support? Do they even ever think about that shit before they hop into the next marriage? Do they get away without paying? I'm jut baffled.

Who the hell wants a man who loses most of his paychecks to his ex wives and children? I'm not saying I wouldn't be with someone who has financial burdens to some degree but support payments are a long term thing! And I'm sure as shit not paying for some other woman's bills if this guy gets laid off or loses his job for some other reason.

Cgrl's picture

"It makes my head do twirls on my neck like a figure skater."

I LOVE THIS!!!! Thank you sooo much for the
laugh - God I love you girls!! You always make me smile
and know I am so NOT alone.

My narc was married twice. Still married when he got with me and promising marriage to me so I would have been number 3. He married his second wife only after knowing her for maybe six months. His first wife he got pregnant in high school.

Surprisingly - I was quite happy with being number three which blows my mind because I have never even been married.

I was settling.

Anyway - Since gay marriage is now legal somewhere (whatever) he can marry his guy and HE can now be number three if he ever gets a job, stays at it long enough and saves some money for a divorce.

Fccking assclown losers.

God I love the head twirl thing - thank you!!!

Lobo555's picture

<Raising hand>

The three-weeker? Yep, that was in my post. CharlieSheenWinning married a woman after knowing her for 3 weeks. We were on/off for years, but never in a "relationship." He wanted "fun" not a relationship. He was married twice, engaged to a third, but the third kept breaking things off. Then he was in his "I just want fun" phase with me and other women.

I broke it off when he told me he still wasn't over the third woman. He got together with yet ANOTHER woman the day after I broke things off. Married HER 3 weeks later.

Yeah, I've been wondering about the marriage thing, too!!!! How, how, HOW can he have married twice, been engaged, then swore off marriage because of all of that and THEN marry again?

It makes my head do twirls on my neck like a figure skater.

Lobo555's picture

Okay, I'm replying to my own comment :)

I should have added on there that CharlieSheenWinning married a rich woman. He's homeless, jobless -- gave away, sold, or lost everything he owns. So, he's in it for her cash and for the fact that she drinks as much as he does. A drinking buddy who has cash and loves tantric sex -- a perfect match.

BUT, why MARRY? Why not just sponge off her? This is what has my head doing pirouettes. Maybe *she* insisted on it. Maybe he did it partly to get back at me and also the woman he was engaged to who also broke it off w/him.

Who knows?

I just don't get, even after all the reading I've done, why they get MARRIED.

Used's picture

OR MAYBE WHEN THEY

OR MAYBE WHEN THEY DIVORCE[AND THEY WILL] HE WILL BE ENTITLED TO HALF HER MONEY...OR IF NOT HALF..AT LEAST SOME..

Smitten Kitten's picture

What Used said ^^^

And also, it's much harder to get divorced than to just kick someone out who's living with you.

dazed's picture

My N can"t deal with

My N can"t deal with uncertainty. She always has to be in control. Told me she loved me on day 2 of our relationship and wanted to marry on day 21. She went out to lunch with a guy at the end of our relationship and said he was too old (20 years her senior) and had no romantic feelings for him. Then there was the big d&d with me and she went back to this other guy and within a month wanted to marry him. I agree with deidre that they can't stand to be alone and have to have supply all the time.

Sunafterrain's picture

Thank you!

Thank you ladies!

I learn so much more with every question I ask and all of your input. It is interesting and validating for me and helps to answer some of the unanswered questions I have. Ex was only divorced from his wife, not just over a year, and only five months out of relationship with me before he married this one and caught her on a dating site.

Go figure. Fast and furious! I can guarantee that she knows NOTHING about anything about him. I'm beginning to see that I knew too much.

He needed someone who was "fresh" that he could web his lies and deceit about his past and what he's done. I hadn't much thought about it. Thanks for your honest and painful answers! It helps SO MUCh piece this together.

Smitten Kitten's picture

My exN was separated from his

My exN was separated from his wife for about 9 months during our year+ relationship, when he dumped me for new OW overnight. She's a recycled GF from over 25 years ago that he cheated on his wife with then.

All during our relationship he would talk about needing to move forward with his divorce, but never actually did anything but talk. As soon as new OW came on the scene, he couldn't serve his wife with papers fast enough. Last I heard, his divorce will be final in September and he plans on marrying OW soon after that.

He has been living with his parents since his separation and is relinquishing his house to exW in lieu of alimony. He will have to pay child support for his 13-year old son and has been struggling with debt, and will be struggling financially for several more years. He used to talk about how he would have to start over from scratch basically with everything.

New OW owns a house, has a good job, and a large network of friends that she's very socially active with. She also has the added benefit of having known his family since they were kids, and his parents always thought of her like a daughter and wanted them to get married when they were younger. Jackpot! Perfect long-term supply.

Deidre40's picture

A few things I think are the

A few things I think are the reasons behind wanting to marry so quickly:

a) they don't take marriage seriously
b) have no idea what true love even is, and therefore asking a woman to marry him is nothing to them
c) they have to make sure they get you attached, quickly...before you figure them out (before the mask drops so to speak)
d) they have a lot to hide

And probably a lot more to the list than what I have here. My ex N had 4 ex wives. He told me that he loved me after three weeks of dating, and told me he wanted to marry me (oh goodie, i can be wife #5?? sign me up) after only 5 weeks of dating me. lol He needs to be married. I believe this. He cannot be alone for a second. He needs supply either from online strangers...facebook 'friends,' or from real life women. And I predict he'll be married again very soon. It's just the way he is...and I think many narcs loathe being alone...because they don't like being alone with THEMSELVES. So, they need a mirror (other people) to show them who they are. Which is why they get upset when we, their victims, speak up for ourselves and stop taking their abuse. The mirror cracks and they lose their footing.

Just my two cents, anyways.

Smitten Kitten's picture

Exactly!

Mine also hated being alone. He needed constant supply from everywhere too. Would always talk about how lonely he was and didn't want to spend the rest of his life alone. He was talking about marrying OW within a few weeks of being insta-couple of the year.

My mother, who is also a narc/psychopath, hated being alone too and was married 5 times and engaged more times than I know about. Her 4th husband she only knew 6 months when she married him, but he moved in a few months before that. Lasted only 2 years.

Her 5th husband, she only knew 6 weeks before marrying him! I swear, as they get older they get more desperate. That lasted over 15 years until he died a few years ago (he was much older) but only because neither one of them had any better options. If they could have they would have divorced because they despised each other. Worse marriage I've ever seen and was sexless from almost day one. If my mom could have afforded it, or if another man had come along, she would have dumped him in a heartbeat, because she divorced all her other husbands for much less. Plus, the older she got, the worse she got at keeping her mask on, so she wouldn't have been able to even trap anyone.

My sister and I, not knowing about NPD then, used to talk about how she was like a Black Widow who lured her husbands in with her chameleon act and trapped them in her web. And then wham! We all know what happens next. Little did we know then how this description is exactly what the N/P does with his victims.

We used to feel sorry for this guy getting suckered in by our mother, but it turns out, my mom was HIS 5th wife too! He had 7 children by 4 different women. They both thought the other one had money (which they didn't). At his memorial service, some of his children came and shocked everyone with the story of how he had abandoned them and their pregnant mother when they were kids. They had to hire a private investigator to locate his whereabouts. Can we say double-narced? He and my mother deserved each other.

Sunafterrain's picture

Deidre

You just hit on something important that I have neglected. My ex HATED being alone, stating "I don't want to be alone the rest of my life".

I think you're right. So if that is true, why do they sabotage each marriage so that they ultimately wind up being alone?

Reddley's picture

This is so strange to

This is so strange to me...

And the more I read the more I think my exN was misdiagnosed. GDIT!

He wants to be alone. He's terrified of being hurt by people. He spends most of his time pushing people away... One of his NUMEROUS reasons he broke it off with me was because he wants to be alone. And I believe it 100%. He was perfectly comfortable alone before I came along and turned his little world upside down. He'd gladly sit at home alone for days on end without anyone coming to see him. He'd been in his apartment for over 2 years and only 2 people had visited OTHER then the people who helped him move in...

His ex wife tried for 14 years to get him to marry her in the first place. He dragged his heels...

She said I want children... I think she was hoping he'd say "Then we're done." But instead he said "Well then we're getting married because I don't want bastard kids." A year later she says "I don't love you anymore" and kicks him out.... childless. Not a real shock to me though... he couldn't get off unless he jerked off... how the fuck was he going to knock her up?

What an ass. Narc? Maybe not! Still a fucking psycho at any rate.

Smitten Kitten's picture

He sounds more like a

He sounds more like a Cerebral Narc than a Somatic one maybe. They prefer masturbation and being alone to actual intimacy with another person. And deep down, they ALL hate intimacy and eventually drive everyone way by sabotaging their relationships. They fear abandonment and yet create a self-fulfilling prophecy by their own actions. They are truly their own worst enemy. It gets worse as they get older and they can become hermit-like. They get to a point I think, that they just don't have the energy or motivation to keep up the pretense and the mask anymore to garner new supply, and by then they have burned all their bridges as past enablers abandon them over time.

SoaperGirl's picture

Cerebral Narc and Passive-Aggressive Man

You have described my narc perfectly Smitten Kitten. Unfortunately, with these guys ED problems are a frequent occurrence. Yes, they do much better playing with themselves than with a partner. They know how how talk a good game, but when it comes time to prove it, no can do. Thank you S.M. for the great description. I hope you will expand on the cerebral narc further. Fascinating!

badjer's picture

My ex purposefully filled up

My ex purposefully filled up his nights and weekends because he "didn't want to be sitting indoors alone" if he could avoid it….

SoaperGirl's picture

The Real Reason A Narcissist Wants to Marry so Quickly

Because this hottie has to move fast. The clock is ticking and his time is fast running out before we start to figure him out, what his agenda is or start responding to our own red flags.

Is it because he's so into us? No! It's because he wants to get bethrothed to our checkbook before we have a chance to check him out fully, find out his debt load, his mental, criminal history or much of anything else about him that would cool us off if we knew!

He has to get us hooked as quickly as possible. Once we're married to him, in his mind - he owns us and everything else we have including our money! It's all a trap baby, and we often fall into it (including me!).

Susan32's picture

Going after the checkbook

The ex-Psych prof LOOOVED this quote from Leo Tolstoy about how Cossack men were financially dependent on their wives. I remember him quoting it verbatim:
http://bigbook.posterous.com/tolstoy-and-females
Tolstoy talks about how Cossack men didn't treat their wives with any consideration, weren't affectionate with them in public (I certainly saw that with the ex-Psych prof&his girlfriend,never seen such coldness) He talks about how Cossack men merely saw their wives as a means to an end, but were dependent on the women's labor. It was reflected in Tolstoy's life-his wife, Sofia, was in charge of the business side of his writing.

The ex-P WANTED to be financially dependent on me. But this isn't Russia.

Lobo555's picture

"This isn't Russia. Is this

"This isn't Russia. Is this Russia?" ~ Ty Webb (Caddyshack)

Okay, sorry. Saw a Caddyshack quote opportunity and had to throw it out there! :):):)

Hmmm. . . now that I think about it, Ty might have been a narc.

Susan32's picture

Marrying the checkbook

The ex-Psych prof would say "What if I dumped you for an heiress?" He was ALL ABOUT marrying for money. For the 4 years I was with him, he tried (in vain) to get access to my money. Sometimes I wondered what he wanted from me... since I supplied neither money nor sex. I didn't even cook for him.

In his favorite book, "War and Peace",MANY characters wed for $$$. Helene marries Pierre because he's loaded. Nicholas Rostov cruelly dumps his childhood sweetheart Sonya, then marries Princess Maria... because Maria is an heiress.

When my grandfather died, the ex-P had his eyes on my money. He raged at me when I volunteered instead of getting a paying job. Yet he'd accuse me of going after him as a sugar daddy.

He ended up marrying a curator who was paid MORE than him... so she could help him buy a house. It was all about the money.

Smitten Kitten's picture

SG

Well said! That is ALL sooooo true.

Sunafterrain's picture

Soaper

I know I've read bits and pieces of your story here, so forgive me if this question begs yet another answer to me about it...how long were you married to this man and how long dating before you married him and afterwards, caught on?

SoaperGirl's picture

We didn't marry

We were engaged (He proposed 3 times 3 months into relationship.) We had plans to marry, but were waiting for me to become old enough to take early retirement. It was a LDR.

Then, last fall, just about 2 months before I was scheduled to move in with him, I was diagnosed with cancer and that threw a monkeywrench into everything. Narcs hate sick women!

Once I had surgery to remove a breast, I was damaged goods to this dude. Missing a breast, I lost a great deal of my appeal for him.

In fact, during the D&D he indicated he wanted a guarantee that I'd never have cancer again, which of course I couldn't give him despite having only about a 5% chance of recurrence (the average woman has about a 6% chance of developing cancer during her lifetime.) I think that ws a major excuse to dump me.

I think he spent the winter trolling on Match.com for new supply. Finally,. he found a woman even more desperate and gullible than I had been, and she had lots of money, an expensive home and successful business as well. Meantime, he kept stringing me along until he was sure he had this woman locked in.

Whereas, even without the cancer, he had to wait around a year for me, this woman was willing to let him move in 3 weeks after meeting him in a coffee shop. I figure they probably starting communicating that last month we were supposedly "together" and he was too busy to talk with me.

They couldn't have been together long, I'm sure not more than a few weeks. I'm guessing early in February they met on Match.com.

My narc and I had casually emailed back and forth for a couple of years before that (it wasn't a romantic situation-just discussion over soap opera storylines over a show we had in common. (I was a fan and he ran website based on the show), and then his wife was dying from cancer - which I felt sorry for him over!)

Yes, pity was his hook! One thing I will be forever ashamed over is that I didn't realize from his descriptions during her illness that he abused his dying cruelly, and I didn't pick up on that.

Example: the night she died, her lungs were filling up with fluid.

Basically she was drowning in her own chest fluids...the narc, well he just sat in the other room watching TV knowing she was gasping for air...then he showed up only in their bedroom in time for her to "die in his arms". Then he called the paramedics after it was too late for them to be able to help her!

Why didn't I see how phony he was about everything? Why! I feel so stupid and gullible now! And I felt sorry for this bum!

Reddley's picture

Soaper.... That cancer

Soaper....

That cancer probably saved your life.

God works in mysterious ways so they say.

SoaperGirl's picture

At times, I've thought and wondered the same thing

That thought has crossed my mind a number of times. The wonder of it all gets to me. Today, I am narc free! I am also considered cancer free, and unlikely to ever have it again!

Thanks to reconstruction by some highly skilled doctors, I also have TWO breasts again complete with nipples and aerolas. I look every bit like the normal, healthy woman I am. Well, I do have one aerola that is darker than the other, but it is expected to fade in time along with any remaining scars to look as natural as possible.

Yup! Life is good. I think the cancer saved me as well. My narc's deceased wife had cancer three times. The last time killed her. She died at age 54. I will turn 63 in two months. Many more birthdays are expected so my doctors tell me! I'm gonna die a very old woman!

Lobo555's picture

So glad to hear this!

You put a BIG smile on my face! Narc and cancer-free. LOVE to hear wonderful news like that.

A long, healthy, happy life to you! :):):)