58 and going strong's Story

5 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Aug 3 - 12AM
58 and going strong
58 and going strong's picture

58 and going strong's Story

The silver spoon is 58 years old. It has my name engraved, a gift for my birth, maybe my baptism. I like to use it for my cereal. Since I have been living alone, for more than two years now after more than two years of ‘rooming in’ with N-husband, the spoon with my name on it has grown into a symbol to me for my loving myself again: I am (my name here)!
When I open the drawer that day, the spoon is in its place, but it is bent in a very obvious and strange way. This does not happen by accident. And it does not happen in the dish-washer basket either. If someone had used it for something other than its purpose and bent it by accident, I am sure it would have been straightened out again before being put back.

As I take my spoon to carefully bring it back to its original shape, the man is standing right next to me in my kitchen. I can feel him watching me. I can feel him waiting for a reaction. I do not say a word as I place my spoon back into the drawer. The spoon with my name on it. No, not the other ones, the older ones with my grandmothers initials. The message could not be any clearer.

This marks the moment when the stranger beside me, who I thought I was falling in love with, is moved from my heart into a mental Petri dish in my head, while my little inner voice is screaming distinctly louder than before: The little things are piling up! Something is wrong here! Something is very wrong! Yes, I have read many of Ann Rules books last year, amazed by what people are capable of doing to each other. But those were ‘other people’, people who I don’t know personally. As I am writing this now, two weeks after the stranger left my house, I find that the Ted Bundy book is missing from my shelf . . . Did I lend it to someone and not get it back? I don’t usually do that. Did I tell the stranger about my liking it? Possible. Bundy, the stranger beside her, my favorite of her books I read, the one in which she describes her relationship with Ted, her disbelief and denial as things evolved over the years she knew him, her disbelief of the surfacing facts despite all her theoretical knowledge. The book that helped me find out and acknowledge how much I was still in denial and that my husband is a sociopath too.
Maybe I did give the book to my kids . . .

What do I really know about the ‘new’ man in my house? What did he tell me since we met about four weeks prior to the spoon incidence? We met online on a dating website. My first date after years of being happily alone had turned out to be a sociopath, initially leaving me with quite some heart aches during the few weeks of dating earlier this year. Surprisingly no more aches when he finally leaves. In the end, too many similarities with my second husband of more than 20 years are leaving me behind with nothing but relief.

Some weeks later, after several dates that did not lead beyond a first meeting, I find this new very appealing sounding ‘fish’. He is my age. He is charming, attractive, says he has been living alone for the past few years, never found his match so far online - just like me. He was a hippie for a while, back in the 1970s, when I would have never been allowed to date a young man like that. He says he was adjunct staff in summer camps back then. He says he did drugs back then. He says that he smokes occasionally, and would I mind since my profile said no drugs explicitly. Against all my principles and better knowledge, I do not mind. After all, meanwhile I have heard so many people my age say they smoke occasionally that it seems to me there may be nobody around me not doing it.
He tells me about the son he supposedly fathered at age 21 with a married woman, and whom, based on a contract, he never met until a few years ago when the son contacted him. They live far away, he met them once, and his sons wife is the one he occasionally has contact with. He says he has meanwhile grandchildren who he never met. He says he loves children, shows me a picture of a little neighbor girl and some of his grandkids on his laptop. He says he would love to see his grandchildren. He has met one of my sons. He is looking very much forward to meeting my daughter and my 5-year old granddaughter. We all feel he is searching for the family he never had. He says he was a teacher in Philadelphia before he moved here a few years ago to take care of his mother before she passed. He says her favorite word was ‘beautiful’ - no matter what the situation, she would always find something beautiful about it. (Thanks Sam Vaknin, with what I know now I suspect she may have loved him to death . . .)

The stranger beside me has a seasonal business and that is even slower than mine during the Florida summer. He lives more than one hour north from me, so he stays with me - way too early and too fast, I know, but I have a significant physical ‘void’ after nearly 5 years of abstinence and I am floating higher than cloud nine with all he does to spoil me. E.g., there is coffee along with a beautiful smile to wake me up, and Frangipani blooms from the front yard are marking my way to the bathroom. How much better can it get?!

Denial comes before the fall.

Over the first four weeks and in my house, I
- was told the dog had been fed, when I could clearly see the dogs dish had not been touched after I had washed it the day before
- had to deal with confusion and chaos in the kitchen, for how could he know ‘my order’
- was asked if all my panties are white, despite that obviously not being true
- was asked what I need the ‘900 napkins’ for (my grandmothers linens for the dining table I have - yes, they came in dozens with the dowry early in the last century, and I still like to use them)
- had the coffee filters changed from the white to the brown ones (I could care less as long as there is coffee)
- was told he was ‘woozy’ and forgot what we had talked about the night before
- encountered resistance regarding my wish and habit of closed toilet lids in my house
- smoked outside so I wouldn’t harm him (aware that smoking IS controversial)
- was told to quit smoking so I could be there with him longer (for the rest of our lives -LOL)
- was told how ugly I am when smoking
- was told he would team up with my daughter to make me quit
- was told he despised dependencies and he made sure he had none in his life (Thank you, Sam Vaknin, for teaching me otherwise!!)
- was told he did not like and want table cloths, for dinner and in general - what a tiny favor he’s asking for!
- was told if only I were a bit shorter (we were the same height, wonder why he had not realized that earlier . . .)
- was told that he thought he had made himself clear with the dish detergent being left on top of the sink instead of in the cabinet beneath - o.k., that’s really no big deal
- was asked several times during a horror movie we watched if I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t, gosh, we were watching a movie
- found a strange piece of plastic in the disposal that could have wrecked it had I not turned it off immediately
- had a stick fall into the air condition which caused me to call the service people on a Saturday afternoon, about an hour after coming home from work, after he had ‘waiting for me impatiently’ inquired about the time of my return several times on the phone; there was no wind and this has never happened before despite the same bush there for 14 years
- was lured into travel plans that never worked out as he had promised to sit his friends dog again, and the friends travel plans were constantly changing so I would have to go by myself
- had my very different sleeping pattern adjusted to his and faced disapproval when one evening I had an important heart-to-heart with my daughter on the phone until 10:30 - what took me so long to join him in bed . . .?
- was pretty sure that a drawer had been searched through
- And then some

At some point the strangers ‘friend’ and his dog came to visit for a few days. While the stranger was talking business with my son - what a coincidence, they both had been doing computer repair services and were discussing a joint venture - my son met the friend and did not like him and found him creepy. He even asked me if I was sure this man was not up for a ‘happy threesome’ . . . I denied vehemently, but was left wondering nonetheless.

What the stranger beside me did not know:

- A little more than two years ago I absolved two months of fieldwork in the locked unit of a mental health facility as part of my education as an Occupational Therapy Assistant. That was when I finally found proof about my 20-year marriage truly being abusive and not just my suspicion and in my head as I had been so frequently told by my N-husband. (Note that we were seeing a marital therapist off and on for many years!)

- That after spring 2009, when my son finally found the way to disclose that the stepfather had molested him 20 years earlier, after surfacing from several weeks of severe PTSD I did ‘study’ everything about child molestation out there, as I so much wanted to understand why I had not seen. (I had told the stranger about the molestation, but not the rest)

- That I had some serious therapy after that. (My other son and my daughter are not ready for therapy yet, but we are all talking openly, also about gut feelings and ‘weird’ feelings)

- That he asked one time too many when my daughter and granddaughter would come to visit, and that raised my awareness

- That when my granddaughter stayed on the 5th weekend, the trail of Frangipani that was split up to mine and my granddaughters side of my bed (he was in the guest room then) raised my awareness even more

- That there were other ‘tiny’ things and strange behavior going on that raised my awareness even more

- That his overall behavior towards me had changed significantly as soon as the prey of his hidden agenda (Thanks again, Sam Vaknin!!) had arrived, including him commanding me in front of my granddaughter to get him a fork, which left me more than speechless. (It is only now that I see the purpose of threatening me in front of her to set an example for her. Which worked, as she picked up on his behavior and said she could get the fork for him.)

- That there was a reason nobody in my family was willing to leave him alone with her, not even 5 minutes, and not even me, after my observations and him already being in the Petri dish in my head - while still hoping I was going overboard with my perceptions and observations due to the family history

- That I knew why my granddaughter should be with my son and not in my house before I addressed very carefully(!) on Saturday my feelings about his approaching her somewhat too sensual in my opinion when we woke her up that morning, and that his immediate verbal explosion about me supposedly accusing him of child abuse and his having to leave immediately was the answer I had somehow expected and yet so hoped not to get

I can be calm to the point of stoic, and I sat there without a word, hearing the f*** word for about 15-20 minutes, more often than I have heard it in the 12 years I have been living here, while he was running around packing his ‘stuff’. Throwing the key on the table he mentioned I did not have to change the locks . . .

It was the next day, Sunday, when I found out that some of the family silver was missing.
After asking me over the phone if I was insane, accusing him of theft, he then tried to suggest to me that I might have lent the missing pieces to someone and then have forgotten . . . I did call the police.

I am still wondering if the silver was taken as a theft, or eventually even in preparation to ‘prove’ later on that I am insane in case it might have come to an accusation of child abuse . . .
And sometimes I wonder if the duo, stranger and friend, had planned on emptying my house while I would have been gone on one of the short trips mentioned above.

A week later, last Saturday, I decided to watch a movie on CD. I hardly watch TV, and I had to switch remotes. When I turned on the TV, the loudness level was set to the maximum, way over 90 on the scale, and my ears nearly fell off. Miraculously the TV did not implode and I can still hear.

Looking at the blessings of my experience:

- First and most important, my granddaughter was not hurt.

- The strangers love-making was amazing (not surprisingly so with all I have learned about psychopaths and narcissists over the past days now: Being so oversexed (somatic N), while so empty and cold inside they have this capacity to ‘read’ their victim so well and do exactly the ‘right’ thing - for as long as they please to), and it strangely helped me get over the sick visions I still had of my N-husband.

- I was fortunate to not having been deeply emotionally attached after that short time, and I have mentally ‘sorted it in’ as a 4-week-1-night stand - not that I am proud of that, but it makes it easier

- Meanwhile I have lost my naïveté and learned a lot about drugs and that one does not have to smoke in order to go ‘undetected’ to a ‘layperson’ like me

- Had the stranger not left - after realizing he was loosing his prey, his supply - he might still be here in my house tonight, as I did not know that after more than 72 hours a guest needs to be evicted here where I live

- I had heard about ‘gas-lighting’ before, had a vague idea, and found this site when googling

- This whole thing, this flashback if you will, was the rock-bottom I had to hit so I would find all the information about Narcs to be ready for the still pending and extremely ugly divorce, now knowing who/what I am facing and being able to be calm, factual, and clear.--

----

If you are wondering about the sexual abuse of my son: It cannot be sued over here as it happened back in Europe, and it cannot be sued over there due to lousy statutes of limitation. Aside from that my son wants his peace. He forgave my not seeing, and that was the hardest thing for me to accept. He, my daughter-in-law, and I, all did Rapid Resolution Therapy after his disclosure, and that truly did miracles for me. Yes, they are in a happier place now with that secret being off his heart and soul.
And all my children and I are as close now as we have not been since 25 years ago.

Thank you for reading this lengthy story, and thank you for not having to explain or justify what I did or not did.
After reading so many of your stories, I have decided to share mine in all openness, fully and very sadly aware that it may painfully open some eyes, especially for those of you with children and in second marriages/relationships.
WE ARE DEALING WITH MONSTERS OF UNCOMPREHEDABLE ABILITY OF CRUELTY.
PLEASE, should I have raised any suspicions in you regarding your children, do get professional help first and immediately. That is not something one can handle alone or through a website like this.

Love, peace, and healing for all.

Aug 3 - 2AM
freaked
freaked's picture

same story, different player

Dear 58, i too am a victim of a NH ..that's why I am here. Reading your post made me terribly shocked, but then...I have experienced quite the same with my NH of 23 years. Now since I moved out of his bedroom, he is livid with rage. doesnt say anything, but strange events are daily happening. I am scared stiff..but have nowhere to escape to. I am praying he doesnt murder me so that he can marry OW without needing to pay any alimony. There is terror here in my life. I am on this site almost all day long. This is the ONLY company i have. I am living in a prison house. can scarcely describe the situation here succintly enough. if some day I do get out of this alive, i will write my full story. i am also 50+
Aug 3 - 5AM (Reply to #2)
58 and going strong
58 and going strong's picture

So sorry to hear you are in

So sorry to hear you are in the middle of it all. Is there any way you can leave? Go to a shelter, go anywhere, but go. And hide for a while and breathe. I know this is tough advise at our age, but it is the only reasonable thing to do. My N-husband was 'only' verbally abusive to me, but when crazy things are happening, you are in serious danger. He will not change, and it does drive you crazy. I feel so lucky that I was far enough in recovery to not have to go any deeper with my date. Gas-lighting is the worst kind of brainwashing attempt one can be exposed to.
Aug 3 - 10AM (Reply to #3)
spinning
spinning's picture

58, yours is an amazing,

story of learning, revelation, courage and commitment to the light. I am in awe and want you to know that you are indeed still going very strong and you inspire me. I am 53 and going somewhat strong...stronger than I've been in the past six years of hell that I, too, gave over to a deeply disturbed individual. A borderline capable of great destruction. It almost killed me. Never again. I, too, grew wise and have lost my naivete. In many ways I am thankful that I made it to my mid-40s before discovering that there were truly evil people in this world. On the other hand, I feel it's a lesson I could have lived my whole life without...though not learning it would have meant my death. Thank you so much for sharing this, 58. It is an amazing story, very well written and so honest and moving. I am so glad you have found our community and I welcome you and your valued input, though I am sorry we all landed here. Thank you again. I am proud of you. Most sincerely, (fighting to keep from) spinning. IT'S A CHOICE. I CHOOSE MYSELF. NO ONE WILL TAKE ME DOWN.

spinning

Aug 3 - 11AM (Reply to #4)
58 and going strong
58 and going strong's picture

Spinning, Thank you so much

Spinning, Thank you so much for your feedback. When I started writing last night, I suddenly could not stop any more, had to get it all out. . . Re-reading it I realized for the first time, how subtle and innocent each of those little incidents looks when seen by itself. But I also realized that that is exactly why victims tend to loose when it comes to facing society and the western (legal) systems we live in. As sad as it may be that we landed here, to me it is wonderful that we finally did land and are in a safe place now. When I found this site, I started to find this wealth of information on here, and then I realized that what I have to give belongs here and not to 'rescue' any perpetrator. At the same time I feel everyone here is so genuinely covered and covering everybody else in empathy, love, and support that it makes my eyes misty with emotion and joy. Give and you shall receive does apply. Glad to see you choose yourself.