Losing friends during the recovery process

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#1 Jul 30 - 5PM
Littleone
Littleone's picture

Losing friends during the recovery process

As I'm recovering I'm standing up for myself and refuse to be manipulated anymore-by anyone.
This includes friends.
Ive stated how I feel in an assertive non- aggressive way for the first time with some of these people. I guess they are not used to it and certainly don't like it.
I've lost 3 friends over a period of 5 months by choice.
I could 'suck up' and slip back into 'my role' if I wanted to, but I don't.

It's very interesting to see that when I was involved with a narcissist, I also seemed to have similar relationships within friendships. I must have had VICTIM tattooed on my forehead.

It's a shame to lose these friends, but then, they weren't truly friends to begin with. The people I have left as good friends, I could count on one hand, but they are loving, giving, NORMAL people. That's all I want and need.

Has anyone else experienced anything similar?

Aug 2 - 5PM
comagirl
comagirl's picture

Yes, yes and yes. I feel that

Yes, yes and yes. I feel that I was at such a lonely, manipulated, undervalued place in my life at the point I met my ex-partner that I was thrust toward him. As I've said, he represented a big shining light in my dull life of perseverance. I had been pushed into an existence of political volunteering by a 'friend' of mine who is a true believer, but I feel that I jumped from the frying pan into the fire. Of course they didn't like him, but I felt that they were so insular and even rude that even I didn't want to be around them. And that was a protection of not only him, but a validation of myself. On the evening he broke up with me, I found them, sitting in front of the screen at an outdoor concert. I was bawling my face off and all of them were on their blackberries, ummm, checking in, and, umm, finding the next best place to be? I was a total mess, but I got the feeling they were happy to find me at the bottom where they could return me to the fold. I'm supposed to be at a wedding abroad this week. I knew I couldn't afford it, and told 'my friend'' so. Then she RSVP'ed for the both of us, saying she couldn't go if I didn't go. And the only time she contacted me between the breakup and now was to get me to book tickets for us on my Visa! When I said, again, I couldn't go, she texted me maybe eight times with affordability options. And then she did it. What I feared and was waiting for. She dangled an eligible, in the midst of divorce man in front of me like a carrot! I had hoped that a friend would not try to manipulate me at this tenuous time, but she did. Of course she did, and then told me she was joking and wanted to let me know how much I was cared about.I C'mon, the ex-narcissist just finished an an engagement when we got together a year ago and we just broke up last week! I feel like I know who my friends are now. They listen to me, they care about me, and they know I loved him even if he was the biggest asshole in the world, and they just are only concerned about me. I now have 2 friends and my Mom to tell my truth to. And maybe 2 more. And all of you! Best, comagirl i
Aug 2 - 5PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

It's difficult

During the final D&D, a couple of my friends said "oh, you're forcing friendship on the ex-Psych prof." I had to clear my head... and then EXPLAIN. Once I told them the gory details, my friends saw the ex-P as the PROBLEM. On the surface, I looked like the hysterical, love-crazed student. I had to clarify things. They were as confused as I was... and one of them was on the East Coast, so she didn't see everything. The one on the East Coast put it this way "Unhealthy relationships end in unhealthy ways" and she basically said that it was unhealthy from the get-go. The ex-P WANTED to isolate me from my friends&family. It didn't help that my friends hated his guts. He resented that I went to Wednesday night Lenten soup suppers with my friends as well as Bible studies. My friend on the East Coast was *SHOCKED* when I told her that he expected me to give up my faith for him. I asked her, "Did you see me at church?" Her response "Yes." My response "He expected me to give that up." For her, that crossed lines. Sometimes it just means taking the time to EXPLAIN. As a writer, I can't take it for granted that my audience knows what I'm talking about. I have to EXPLAIN. In detail.
Aug 2 - 4PM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

Im so glad you posted this,

Im so glad you posted this, because this is exactly what ive been going through. I drew a line in the sand for the first time with some of my "so called friends" and they didnt like the new me who wasnt going to dance to their tune any longer. Painfully this included my own daughter who had got very used to manipulating me into making the first move and all the phone calls. When I protested, she texted me three hurtful little words designed to cut me down, just as they had in the past. "YOU NEED HELP" only this time I texted back. "Yes and Im getting it" thats why I stopped chasing you around after the forth phone call today. Silence. I then followed up with a letter telling her exactly what the new terms of our relationship would be. The terms certainly did not include bending over and taking it anymore. friends on facebook who randomly say "how are you" on one of my photos, having practically ignored me when I as going through health issues and the worst year of my life. I ignore them too now. They dont like it I dont care and nor should you. Im your new friend. We on this forum are the real meaning of friends.. xxxx
Jul 30 - 10PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Absolutely! But I have also

Absolutely! But I have also learned that these friends ARE your friends........they just aren't equipped to help you in every area of your life. I have learned to not judge them by what they CAN'T give you in your time of need, but to judge them by what they give you in other areas of your life, where you may need them otherwise. Not everyone is able to meet your emotional needs, ESPECIALLY when you are looking for help regarding your narc. Love them and appreciate them as you did BEFORE your narc. Don't let the narc taint that friendship, as he has tainted you! Smile
Jul 30 - 9PM
Lost
Lost's picture

Yes experienced the loss of friends

Sure have Littleone, I have lost a friend who I actually called my best friend, through this whole experience for varied reasons ... I too always had a role but it was a role I chose to play because I wanted to fit in and feel normal (I was bullied at school primary & high), therefore my coping was to agree with everyone and their opinions so they would like me and I would fit. My experience my ex N in some ways made me realise that this friend was actually quite aggressive and very dominant and liked to control those around her. I think she does it out of care and love for them however as I grew and became stronger and learned what was right & wrong for me, things went down hill. I didn't agree with their view on life and how to live, I believed in a right to privacy whereas they told everyone everything about everyone else and had to know every little thing I did. She accused me of always having drama in my life yet she would always be fighting or having a go at someone be a member of her family or her husband because they weren't doing things the way she wanted them to or because she didn't like rather than letting them be to live their life they way they choose to. How do you learn and grow if you always have someone telling you what to do? Because I was so used being a certain way and so was everyone else around me, when I started changing and not doing what everyone else wanted me to, including the ex N, people didn't like it. I have never felt so calm and present where I virtually have no drama in my life (the only drama would be what I would create) as I have in the last 5wks since NC with ex N and since not having this friend in my life. The friends I have now are supportive, will listen without judgement, do not get aggressive with me or call me names. We are different yet we share very similar ideals and values. I too can count my good friends on one hand and that is ok Sending you lots of loving and healing energy
Jul 30 - 6PM
lillymarch
lillymarch's picture

I noticed that I lost a lot

I noticed that I lost a lot of my normal friends while with the N. I ended up with woman who were dysfunctional. As I get back on my feet and I become healthier, I'm having to drop those woman who remain stuck in the garbage. It's sad but I know from personal experience that only they can pull themselves out.
Aug 2 - 6AM (Reply to #2)
christy_rn
christy_rn's picture

I get what you're saying

I actually feel like I lost more friends while I was with him. I hardly talked to my absolute best friend because he hated her (when I asked why he didnt like her, he had no reason!) so anytime she would get broughten up it would start a completely baseless fight. However she amazing, and when I finally kicked him out, she was the first person I called and asked to come over... no questions asked she told me to come immediately. Im so thankful for her right now. However there are some people I work with that I use to be nice to talk with every now and then even though I've never really liked them. Now, I dont want to associate with them at all, so I'm still nice, but make no effort beyond that. I'm talking about the kind of people that lie, talk about how great they are all the time, and treat some of the newer staff members with no respect. I cant take people like that I think for us right now it is important to surround ourselves with good positive people. We just spent a big chunck of our lives with a person that didnt deserve to be in it. So it is normal for us to strongly avoid negative people. So I completely understand your feelngs right now.
Aug 2 - 3PM (Reply to #3)
FINALLYFREE2BME
FINALLYFREE2BME's picture

The experience brought me

The experience brought me closer to my true friends. I cleaned out the excess vampires after the N. Now I'm much more discerning about who I let into my life. And I don't feel like I have to take anyone who will have me -- for friends or boyfriends.....