dazedandcnonfused's story

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#1 Jul 14 - 11AM
dazedandcnonfused
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dazedandcnonfused's story

I'm the OW my story

I have begun to write this a few times and keep deleting over the past week. I am still in contact and my feelings are very raw.
I met him 17yrs ago and thought he was my soul mate. I loved everything about him. I didnt realize he was under age until I was already in love. He didnt go to highschool so I really didnt realize he was younger than me. I was 21 at the time. One day his parents cut me out of his life. I was so hurt that he never said good bye. Looking back this was probably his easy way of d&d me. I moved out of the state within 6 months after getting my heart broken. I quickly met another man and have been with this man for 16 yrs. We have children together and have created an amazing life together.
A little over a year ago my ex found me on facebook. We have talked every day since then. With the exceptions of the times he is mad and is giving me the silent treatment. Sometimes just a couple hours, or days and one time it was for a month.
He is also married and I am not really clear how his relationship is with his wife. He pretty much comes and goes as he wants. Never talks about her. Except to tell me that I need to get a divorce but he isnt going to get a divorce.
I am in constant turmoil with this game of him showering me with attention, and then he ignores me tells me I have a man and he doesnt want to be with me.
I am searching for answers, I am not sure if he is a Narc...but the things I read sounds like he is.
I am struggling because I have never thought about leaving my husband before. But I would leave my husband for this man and it scares me. Please tell me what your opinion is. I think part of me feels like I never got my chance to be with him and I yearn to know him and love him.

Jul 14 - 5PM
greengirl91
greengirl91's picture

we are all OW with them :))

we are all OW with them :)) because that`s what they do, what they enjoy. attention, with any cost, because if they stay too much by themselfs, they "risk" some self insight, and actually "feeling" something :D..
Jul 14 - 6PM (Reply to #17)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Or "THINKING" something

The ex-Psych prof touted himself as a philosopher... it's no wonder he replaced me with a museum restorationist(?)/curator,a scientist of sorts... because unlike me, she wasn't competition. He took my interest in philosophy as a personal intrusion, so he did EVERYTHING to deflect discussion of it. He was a philosophy major-in spite of him, yes I am a philosophy major. The ex-P couldn't come up with an original idea to save his butt. I certainly don't live in fear of his fame... because he doesn't have ANY. Philosophy is all about insight. Socrates spoke of the unexamined life being not worth living. The Oracle at Delphi had the inscription "Know thyself" (the ex-P DID call me oracular) The ex-P wasn't capable of insight. During the final D&D, I'd ask, "WHY are you angry?" He could not come up with an answer, not even a cr@ppy one. At least when my baby nephew is angry it's because (a)his diaper is full (b)he's hungry (c)he's tired. Very very basic. The ex-P had major INTELLECTUAL/philosophical deficits, not just the emotional ones. He'd take things literally, unable to see many interpretations&perspectives. He threw a fit at the Q&A session after his first lecture, shouting, "READ THE BOOK!" Talking about philosophy with him didn't work either.
Jul 14 - 6PM (Reply to #16)
strongerthanever
strongerthanever's picture

Agree with you about that.

Agree with you about that. The N I was involved with wanted chit-chat all the time. Sometimes it is good to be quiet. I always thought the chit-chat was so he could not think about anything or do some introspection of himself. When you are talking about the weather, how windmills are made and their purpose, agriculture, tv shows, there is no room about feelings, the issues at hand, or the future.
Jul 14 - 12PM
spinning
spinning's picture

dazed, braveheart, here is

a link that will help you understand: http://www.lisaescott.com/2011/02/27/why-narcissists-seek-out-relationships All of Lisa's blogs are so helpful, as are the other's blogs too. When I was in your shoes (I joined while still in the relationship knowing I needed to stop it) I found so much help reading the blogs. I hope you will, too. I send you good vibes for clarity and strength. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. NEVER EVER AGAIN.

spinning

Jul 14 - 1PM (Reply to #14)
dazedandcnonfused
dazedandcnonfused's picture

Thanks, That link really

Thanks, That link really helped put it in perspective.
Jul 14 - 12PM
spinning
spinning's picture

dazed, sweetheart,

if you are here there is a problem. See how dazed and confused you feel already? That will only multiply by thousands if you continue with this person. Believe me, please, because I know. I am a survivor. I left a long term relationship (20 plus years) for the illusion of a very disordered person and endured six years of chaos, confusion, fog, destruction, endless questions, self-doubt, terrorism and frankly pure evil. Spare yourself. Please You have already experienced the silent treatment. That's why you are so dazed and confused. How can someone who says they "searched for you for 12 years" go silent on you for a reason you don't even know? Because it's what they do. They are disordered. It is a game they play to feed the beast, to fill the empty hole inside of them except they don't know how so they play with what's inside of you. He wants what is inside of you and he won't stop until it is destroyed. I apologize if this sounds harsh. Please know I have been where you are. The difference is your gut is SCREAMING at you that something is not right and you are listening. That's fantastic! You aren't as dazed and confused as you think you are. I ignored my gut voice until it was almost silent. It almost cost me my life. Truly. Please try to step away from this even for today. Then try minute by minute tomorrow. Focus on what it is you think you need to feel good about the way things are right now...after all you are with a man who you choose as a loving partner at one time. Maybe it's not all that any more, but that has nothing to do with the old N flame. Don't toss away something real for something that's just an illusion. I hope this helps some, dazed. I send you good vibes for clarity and strength. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. NO LONGER AN OPTION. THE SICK FREAK IS DEAD. NEVER REALLY EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE.

spinning

Jul 14 - 12PM (Reply to #12)
dazedandcnonfused
dazedandcnonfused's picture

Thanks for the responses. I

Thanks for the responses. I am glad I found this site. I have been talking to a good friend about this over and over and over for the past year. And to be honest I think he is so sick of hearing the same cycle of crap. Its refreshing to get insight from others that understand. I guess my main question is what does supply really mean? I have searched for the answer to this. Does it mean attention? Affection? What does he want from me? Why does he tell me such mean things and then keep talking to me?
Jul 14 - 12PM
Cgrl
Cgrl's picture

anxiety

I know that anxiety and I know the abandonment. You have to go no contact. He does not love you. He has not been searching for you. You have to believe this. You are supply. His wife is his Primary supply. He won't leave her. She will find out about you and throw him out. Nothing he does is because of you. Getttt outtttt. Seriously get out. Get off facebook. Get away from Him and spend time with yourr husband. Make it special with him. This road leads nowhere.
Jul 14 - 11AM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Does your husband treat you

Does your husband treat you worse than this? If not...stay with your husband, and try to find the love there, again. This ex of yours, based on the info here...could be a narcissist. That said, he treats you poorly. When he gets mad and gives you the silent treatment...that is abuse. Marrying an abuser will not make the abuse stop...if anything, it escalates. He is asking you to leave your spouse...but he won't? What games are these? My advice...delete/block him from FB. This will be hard, but go NC. If you pursue this...trust us all. IT WILL NOT END WELL. Prayers for you!
Jul 14 - 11AM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Don't Do It

If you suspect, those are the flags the warning bells listen to them. Regardless, leaving your husband should be on your terms, not because of a illusion he's handing you *provided he's a narc. IF he is a narc, they're about conquest and control. Once you leave your husband, you will be devalued and discarded... Don't interpret this that as long as you keep hubby around you will keep him. Narcs are abusers...you will be playing with fire. Hugs!
Jul 14 - 11AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Stay with your husband and

Stay with your husband and hit the delete button! As I read your story, I saw mine and100 others here! Do his actions equal his words? Hunter
Jul 14 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
dazedandcnonfused
dazedandcnonfused's picture

My husband has never treated

My husband has never treated me poorly. Is overly affectionate and would do anything for me. That is why I am so confused that I am so fixated on my ex. I am obsessed with him for a lack of a better word. Oh and as for the fb. He deleted his profile, it was a fake one anyways I figured out. I think just to find me. With a different name. I didnt know who it was until he personal messaged me. most of our contact is gmail, skype, text. he lives in another state and I have spent a small fortune going to see him. Each time I see him it is great...and then he says crappy mean things to me after I leave. Blocks me gives me the silent treatment. I am left begging him to talk to me, apologizing for things that I dont know what I am saying sorry for. I am so utterly nice to him that it is sickening.
Jul 14 - 1PM (Reply to #7)
Brooke1
Brooke1's picture

dazedandconfused

Maybe its that traumatic-bonding thing they talk about. Your ex hurts you so much (emotionally) that your bonded to him? I was just thinking the other day that i wonder if i might never get over my ex/boyfriend cause he has hurt me so much. I know that doesnt make sense, but its how i feel for now about him. Sounds like your ex is trying to train you--being with him = happy, and leaving = upset? I dont know...the way you talked about it just gave me the feeling that he's not really upset, he's just calculatively trying to do something with you. I hope you stay with your nice husband! For me, i want to try and find a counselor to figure out why ive never had a healthy relationship. And the sad thing is, i think the more abusive relationships ppl have, the more we probably confused pain with pleasure and drama with love, etc.Write down all the mean things that guy says to you cause our minds tend to block those things out when they are nice again.
Jul 14 - 1PM (Reply to #5)
Brooke1
Brooke1's picture

dazedandconfused

Maybe its that traumatic-bonding thing they talk about. Your ex hurts you so much (emotionally) that your bonded to him? I was just thinking the other day that i wonder if i might never get over my ex/boyfriend cause he has hurt me so much. I know that doesnt make sense, but its how i feel for now about him. Sounds like your ex is trying to train you--being with him = happy, and leaving = upset? I dont know...the way you talked about it just gave me the feeling that he's not really upset, he's just calculatively trying to do something with you. I hope you stay with your nice husband! For me, i want to try and find a counselor to figure out why ive never had a healthy relationship. And the sad thing is, i think the more abusive relationships ppl have, the more we probably confused pain with pleasure and drama with love, etc.Write down all the mean things that guy says to you cause our minds tend to block those things out when they are nice again.
Jul 14 - 1PM (Reply to #6)
dazedandcnonfused
dazedandcnonfused's picture

I do that! I definitely

I do that! I definitely latch on to the nice things that happen and easily dismiss the mean negative ones. Although lately the mean things definitely outweigh the nice. The last time I went to see him I was shocked that he took me back to his house. I didnt know I was allowed to see where he lived. I was to shocked to ask about his wife etc. but I didnt see any signs of a woman even living there the house was bare. No pictures, no knick knacks nothing. maybe I am looking to much into this...but I am just puzzled by the entire thing.
Jul 14 - 12PM (Reply to #4)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Dazedandconfused

He is best left where he is! He's nuts, read everything you can. The find your deepest darkest secrets bait you, take away the oxygen, then throw you back! Maybe you'll swim maybe you'll die! They don't really care! Psychopath!! Run and don't look back! If hes doing this now ,what will you gain by leaving you nice husband? It's not going to better! Hunter
Jul 14 - 12PM (Reply to #3)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Dazedandconfused

He is best left where he is! He's nuts, read everything you can. The find your deepest darkest secrets bait you, take away the oxygen, then throw you back! Maybe you'll swim maybe you'll die! They don't really care! Psychopath!! Run and don't look back! If hes doing this now ,what will you gain by leaving you nice husband? It's not going to better! Hunter