Realization!!!!!!!!!!!!

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#1 Jun 24 - 1PM

wisdomneeded

Realization!!!!!!!!!!!!

A day of clarity! Today I realized that my almost 18 year old daughter so filled with compassion and forgiveness NEVER WOULD HAVE ENDED THE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE NARC.

So I thanked GOD for the D&D that the N put her through. Was it horrific...you bet, did she think she was losing her mind...yes she did. Did I think I was losing my mind???? Yes, because the N had used me in the past to help patch things up between them.

But today I realized without the D&D she would have kept on forgiving him and taking him back. It had been that way for 8 months of insanity.

The D & D as HORRIFIC AS IT WAS became a necessary tool to end the cycle of abuse.

She has been NC for 2 months and yesterday (yes I am crying) I saw her soul beginning to come back. PRAISE GOD!

Hugs and prayers to all of you making this journey!

#2 Jun 24 - 5PM

girlsinger

Soapergirl& wisdomneeded

Hi there Soapergirl.. brilliant...wonderful, post...BRavo! thank you and eventhough I dont have children myself awareness/knowledge is always power ok wisdomneeded,.. Hi. you are really a great mom I can feel the love and concern you have for your daughter, I know we all feel your love and concern for her please remember, though she is going to be "gone from the area" but only from her current Narc but as you probably know from all of these precious members on this site the N's are literally all over the world. in every area of endeavor so its still important, perhaps more so that SHE is really fully AWARE and AWAKE about this subject matter, her "Narcdar" as to be on full tilt you are an exceptional mom, no dbout but if I may please ask is your daughter on this site and/or doing reading on this? I wasnt going to mention it but I found myself coming back here to at least ask: personally,I dont have children, as I said but I can only imagine what you have gone through with all of this your her mom...you want the very best for her this is a major concern in society today now, I know YOU "get it" yet and still unless, SHE gets it she has little to no defense, in my opinion its not IF another N comes along the question is "when" my deepest hope for you and her is that she come and read here along with you maybe the other members who have children can wiegh in on this much better than I but I just would never forgive myself if I didnt at least ask the question does she understand the cycle of this type of abuse? maybe reading here is something you can both do together I was just concerned because you seemed to think she is "home free" because she will be out of the area in October.. just my 02cents... be blessed k

#3 Jun 24 - 8PM (Reply to #24)

wisdomneeded

insightful!

Girlsinger...thank you so much for your 02cents :))) I completely agree. I am trying to form a plan before October... I would like to give my daughter until August to completely heal from her XN boyfriend and then go into continuing education for her re-location. I realize she has only begun this journey and there are alot of Narc's out there. Actually I am middle age and had NO IDEA of NPD until this happened to her so besides educating her I am educating myself to teach her. (I don't know if that made sense). I do know that if I throw too much at her at once she tends to "toon me out"! So I "baby step it" so to speak! I do send her links to the forum at least once a week for her to read and respond to me on what she thinks. Thank you again for your blessings and concern! Hugs!

#4 Jun 24 - 8PM (Reply to #25)

wisdomneeded

woops Sorry!

I SO DID NOT MEAN COMPLETELY HEAL....OMG I have no idea when that would be....How about heal more completely...making progress towards the end of healing...anyway you get my drift. I have no idea when a complete healing will take place that is up to God. But I do want to give it more time before I start to talk about meeting more Narc's in the future. :/

#5 Jun 24 - 5PM

michele115 (not verified)

That is really great news

And significant insight...sometimes things have to get really bad before some are able to walk away. It is not making lemonade out of lemons you did today Widsom, you made a fine top shelf wine! Hugs!

#6 Jun 25 - 6AM (Reply to #22)

Lobo555

Awwwww

I love this. What a wonderful compliment to give to her. And so very true. :)

#7 Jun 24 - 8PM (Reply to #21)

wisdomneeded

Sweet Michelle...

Thank you for your comment. My insight comes as result of what you and all of these wonderful women have gone through. Like your post from the other day that said "healing will come"! You have no idea what that meant to me. Blessings!

#8 Jun 24 - 3PM

Scoop

Wow what a powerful post .

Wow what a powerful post . When a woman has been D&D it is impossible to see it as positive thing but really what it means is an end to the suffering . When a victum is in a relationship with a narc we are so brainwashed and trauma bonded we simply dont have the capasity to get out , this is so hard to comunicate to friends and family and what tends to happen is we are re victimised by our well meaning friends because the dont understand where we have been and what we where dealing with . I had family saying to me "i could have told you he was a wrong one but you didnt listern " or " you where stupid to stay with him , if it where me i would have been out of there qick as you like "or my friend said "i would have never put up with that " ... all theses comments sujest there was something "wrong "with the victum for not being strong enough or clever enough but unless you have been there and get the dinamics of a psychopathic union there is no way of explaning it unless you have read up on it as you have .. youre daughter is so lucky to have you wisdomneeded .... When she feels up for it point her to the board as we are all kindered sprits ... Big love Scoop xx

#9 Jun 24 - 5PM (Reply to #19)

wisdomneeded

Thanks Scoop...

I completely agree that my daughter should be on the forum. I do not know exactly why she has not joined herself...sometimes I think she is embarressed. I let her know much I love and respect the women on this board. Everyone here is intelligent loving women who got caught up in the "sick sick world of narcism". Until then I will encourage myself with what I learn. It has helped me not to judge her and rush her through the process. My heart breaks that you had people re-victimize you. THAT IS SO THE LAST THING THAT IS NEEDED. People do not understand that this is "Not a normal man"! The Narc is EVIL and what you went through is EVIL thru and thru. Love Back atcha Wisdomneeded xx

#10 Jun 24 - 2PM

SoaperGirl

We need to educate our daughters on NARC red flags

Just reading lately a book I got on figuring a man is a predator before you get involved with him. How much grief and pain it would save us all to have our narc antennas up, and learn to listen to our gut reactions. Even better, we need to teach our daughters too. Big red flag #1 beware whirlwind courtships! Predators routinely state their main tactic is to sweep a woman off her feet, overwhelm her with intense emotion, gifts, attention. Predators have an agenda in making a relationship appear intense and deep very fast. They have to move fast before you figure out what their M.O. is. He has to hook us quickly! A dangerous man will not want to slow down, a normal man will respect doing so. 24/7 time together resulting in Isolation of from an outside life. Insistence on early committment..he wants to move in or marry very quickly after a short time in early dating period. There are other red flags to be sure but we need to let our daughters, friends, and other loved ones know what to look for.

#11 Jun 24 - 5PM (Reply to #16)

Lobo555

So Strange

CharlieSheenWinning didn't do any of the above with me, but I can see he's doing it with his new woman. They got married so fast -- after only 3 weeks. We knew each other for years before getting involved physically. He used me badly and screwed with my head, but he never tried to isolate me or sweep me off my feet. Dare I say I was the lucky one????

#12 Jun 25 - 8AM (Reply to #17)

wisdomneeded

OH Wow!

After only 3 weeks he got married???? ...Lobo, you are the lucky one!!! That is the point - there is so much pain involved after the breakup it is EXTREMELY DIFFICULT TO SEE that YOU not the NEW WIFE truly are the the Lucky One................... Absolutely NO ONE lives happily ever after with the Narc!

#13 Jun 24 - 4PM (Reply to #11)

Erali

Strangely...

my ex didn't use any of these tactics. He did, however, figure out that all of those behaviours made me very wary when coming from men, so he took things unusually slowly (while also figuring out what made me tick, I guess). That is what hooked me, I thought it was so unusual for a man to do that, and I was intrigued.

#14 Jun 25 - 9AM (Reply to #14)

SoaperGirl

Sounds like you have a healthy streak in you

That's good that you'd be so alert those behaviors. Alright Girl! Good for you. My narc meter was apparently turned off when I got involved with my narc. So, sounds like you were too healthy for him, and he had to try another tact I wish I'd been more like you.

#15 Jun 25 - 11AM (Reply to #15)

Erali

Well, he still used all of my

Well, he still used all of my weaknesses against me, and it worked! So despite my healthy streak I was conned big time!

#16 Jun 25 - 9AM (Reply to #13)

SoaperGirl

No surprise

As I understand it, there are different types of abusers, and they have learned to read and tailor their luring tactics according to the needs and weaknesses of the victim. Like violent offenders vs passive-aggressives, both abusers, but in different ways. It would make sense that abusers come in all stripes, varieties and methods they use.

#17 Jun 24 - 5PM (Reply to #12)

ruby01 (not verified)

Mine didn't do any of these things either

but he did try to on about the second date tell me not to talk to other men and that he would fix my car. I think my reaction to that was so negative he immediately realized I was scared of his moving too fast, and he put the brakes on real fast. They are probably glad when they meet women like us because they don't have to put so much fake effort into it and actually spend money. Cause you know that's got to really annoy them when they hate us to begin with. Next time I think I'll take it all and RUN!!

#18 Jun 24 - 2PM (Reply to #10)

Bizzeemom04

I feel foolish that I fell for it!

SoaperGirl...you are so right! My counselor just read back to me the notes she took the first time I spoke with her (about 3 weeks ago). "he proposed to me over the phone WITHOUT meeting me in person ONE month after our online relationship. I met him in person 2 months later and he proposed again...of which I really had no desire to marry but went with it anyway??? During the 6 months of "online dating" and lengthy phone calls...we had several break ups and get back together. It was completely tumultuous and we weren't even in the same state! He came out to visit 7 months after we started our relationship to meet my kids FOR THE FIRST time and see where I lived, etc. We were married 6 days later. Uggg....I just let it all happen and he convinced me things would work out and he "knew" we were meant to be together. Now not even after a full year of marriage I am filing for divorce. I was a lucky one to get info quick and be able to understand. NEVER AGAIN!!

#19 Jun 24 - 2PM (Reply to #6)

wisdomneeded

RED FLAG EDUCATION

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!! The Narc used all of those Red Flags with my daughter. I did not have a freaking clue. She was sooooo in love. I truly believe "how to spot a Narc" should be taught in schools. Thanks so much for your post - Soaper Girl!

#20 Jun 24 - 3PM (Reply to #7)

SoaperGirl

How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved

Might be worth getting a copy for your daughter. This book has been invaluable to me. You'll have to pull my copy from my cold dead hands. hahaha. How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved by Sandra L. Brown (Paperback - Apr 15, 2005)

#21 Jun 24 - 5PM (Reply to #8)

wisdomneeded

So Appreciate....

the book suggestion. I will ABSOLUTELY GET IT. It sounds great! I read alot on the subject and feel the more we know the more empowered we become...

#22 Jun 25 - 9AM (Reply to #9)

SoaperGirl

What sold me on this book was...

Explaining why in a whirlwind courtship, a man SEEMS to be so into you, yet you know he's incapable of loving anyone..so, what is his motive? Why is he coming on so hard and fast to hook you..like wanting to move in or marry so fast after meeting you? Why? Obviously he wants something from you, but what? In my narc's case, he was over his head in debt, going broke fast, and needed his own personal ATM machine without having to work for it. I didn't have money, so he needed a more well to do victim - Why the rush into a relationship? ANSWER: He wants access to your checkbook and banking accounts - MONEY! Seems obvious now, but at the time, I was clueless and never thought of narcissism. Now, thanks Dr. Brown, I finally get it!

#23 Jun 24 - 2PM

agnesmurphy17

Be Prepared

He may be coming back. Two months ain't nothing. If whatever keeps him busy suddenly evaporates -- he'll be back to your daughter. But, yes, being dumped is a blessing in disguise.

#24 Jun 24 - 2PM (Reply to #2)

wisdomneeded

Yes....

I agree! Thanks for the heads up. Right now he is busy with new supply a good friend of my daughter's stepped right up for the job :/ My daughter is so repulsed that he went to one of her friends that I am hoping she WILL NEVER BE TEMPTED BY HIS LINE OF B.S. AGAIN. Fortunately for my daughter she will be out of the area completely by October.

#25 Jun 25 - 1AM (Reply to #3)

empath

Some friend!

That the OW/NS is a "good friend" must really be compounding the pain and cognitive dissonance for your daughter. What an awful double whammy! Some "friend"! Some day that girl will be exactly where your daughter is now, and she will not have the gift of your daughter's friendship to get her through her trauma. Pity her. Everyone's healing is on a different timetable. Patience and consistency is perhaps the key. Keep busy, keep moving forward, and keep focused on the good, on the progress. :) I am keeping a good thought that you will soon see your daughter back to her cheerful former self again very soon! (((hugs)))

#26 Jun 25 - 8AM (Reply to #4)

wisdomneeded

So Kind...

Your post truly touched me! Thank you, Empath.... Yep the fact that the OW turned out to be a friend rocked my daughters world. And you are right - Pity her - she will get exactly what my daughter got from the Narc. Your cheerful thoughts towards my daughter are so appreciated. Each day I see moments of her soul returning - Hugs :)))

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