Narkless' story
Narkless' story
Brand new here! Figured I'd start by posting my story. I'm sure I'm going to forget a lot so bear with me.
I met my ex-NH in high school. We were friends but not super close. After graduation he moved away, I was in a serious relationship with someone else. Fast forward a few years, ex-NH moves back, I'm still with the boyfriend (although not happy). Ex-NH sees me out one night and says, "When you get rid of the loser, give me a call."
Fast forward another couple of years, I'm single, saw the ex-NH at a party. We immediately starting dating, whirlwind relationship. Tons of long, deep conversations. Said things like, "You're the only one I've felt comfortable with in a really long time." "You really get me", "I'm sure I am going to find a way to screw this up, I always do."
We moved into together after 6 months. Around this time is when he told me he got in trouble for drugs. He had been facing a 10 year sentence for distributing. This was a shocker to me as I despise drugs and being around them. However, I felt sorry for him so I stayed. One day he was in the shower and I heard him muttering under his breath about me. How much of a fat disgusting pig I was, I didn't take care of myself, etc. None of it was true. I felt like I was punched in the gut. He comes out of the shower and I said, "I heard everything you said, you need to get the f**k out of my apartment." So then he turns it around and convinces me it was my fault. "Oh you were listening at the door, well it's true... you don't take care of yourself, you don't eat right, you don't eat enough" etc. etc. etc. I knew something was wrong... it didn't feel right. Nevertheless I ended up marrying the idiot about 2 years later.
A year into the marriage I discovered his porn addiction. At one point he was pretending to go to work and looking at it 8 hours a day. He would also get up in the middle of the night and watch it. At this point, I didn't even know what to do. I turned to alcohol to numb the pain.
A while later, I cashed in $35k of stock. Put a down payment on a house with him. Put $13k of it in a joint account for our nest egg. A few months after we were in the house I got pregnant with my first son. Stopped drinking completely (obviously), started feeling better about myself and had hope for our relationship as he was more attentive for a short time. When I was about 5 months pregnant I discovered he continued watching porn, continued smoking pot. We had argument after argument about it. He always turned it around on me saying I ruined everything because I didn't trust him and snooped. He continued to say he found nothing wrong with it. He would also go out with his friends 3 or 4 nights a week and I would be home alone. This continued even after our son was born.
After the baby it was more of the same except it escalated. I could never do anything right... couldn't take care of the baby, the house was never clean enough, I couldn't even grocery shop correctly. If I questioned him, he argued me to death until I felt like my head was spinning.
3 months after the birth of our first son I found I was pregnant with our second son. This was a shocker as we only had sex ONE TIME after the birth of my first son. I didn't want to have sex with him. It was degrading, he always wanted A sex, it felt disgusting and dirty. When I found out I was pregnant with our second son I was devastated. How could I handle two babies when he wouldn't even help me with the one we already had? When I was 6 months pregnant with my second son I actually packed my bags to leave him after he came home drunk one night and I heard him downstairs calling me a lazy c**t because I didn't empty the dishwasher.
Fast forward to when my second son was 6 months old. Things went from bad to worse. There was an incident where he threw my older son across the couch because he was crying and screamed at me because I should've kept him asleep from the car to the house. About a week after that, he came home drunk and high... we were supposed to go to a family christmas party. He was supposed to be watching our older son while I hurried to get ready because he had shown up so late. He wasn't watching him and my son fell down the stairs. Then he threw our 6 month old son into his car seat because he was scared and crying over the whole incident.
That is when I had enough. It wasn't just about me anymore. I told him it was counseling or we were done. We went to counseling and the counselor told me in a separate meeting that he was a narcissist. He lacked empathy and compassion. The counselor recommended that my ex-NH move out, which he did.
Ex-NH continued to badger me one second, then be crying and hoovering the next. I decided to file. As soon as I filed, he moved back in the house and proceeded to terrorize me for 2 months. He even did things like go through my mail and hid a wedding invitation from one of my friends in his backpack in the basement. Every night I did the NC thing and retreated to my room (I read a lot of books in this time!)
It all came to a head one day when he took all the baby supplies out of the house and up to his parents'. He told me I should go buy more. I couldn't because I didn't have any money. As I did more discovery, I found that he had completely depleted the joint account with all the money, he had $14,000 in credit card debt on top of this. I also found that he had been contributing almost nothing to the joint household bills. The next day my parents took me to get more and stupidly I labeled them with my name. He came home and went ballistic, cornered me in a room while I was holding my baby and calling me a c&&t. I slapped him in the forehead and he called 911 and I was arrested for assault. I couldn't go within 50 ft of my house.
I went to DV counseling and individual counseling and slowly but surely started to get my life back. We have been divorced for about 2 1/2 years now and I still have issues with the whole thing. At times I feel like I wasted so much time on that relationship and wish I never met him. But then again, I wouldn't have my sons. The main thing I worry about is what he is going to do to them. He is already trying to control and manipulate them and it scares me to death that I won't be able to protect them from him.
I can't go completely NC with him as we share custody of our sons so that is what I struggle with now. The constant email wars, his hot and cold behavior... sometimes he acts angry with me and I have no idea why. Then he'll bring it up a week later and I ask him why he can't just tell me what his problem is and he'll say "I shouldn't have to tell you how to parent." It's unnerving and exhausting and I feel like I'll have to deal with this nightmare forever.
One other thing that's been
you have definitely come to
Welcome Narkless
Journey on...
Welcome here
((hugs))
My my you have been through a
It doesn't sound awful to me.