Why Does This Hurt So Much and What Are We Really Missing?

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#1 Jun 7 - 10PM
Anonymous (not verified)
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Why Does This Hurt So Much and What Are We Really Missing?

I keep reading comments to the affect of: "Do you really want to be with a person like that?" "Do you want him back, knowing what you know?" "Do you want to be with someone who has lied to you and treated you this way?, etc."

No, we don't want to be with someone like that, but that doesn't take the damn pain away! We are hurting so much, looking at all the evidence and coming to grips with the reality, and NO, we don't want to be back with them! That won't make the pain go away, but only make it worse in the long run or even short run.

We want to be free of this extreme pain they have left us in, being rejected and mistreated in such cruel ways that I wouldn't believe if I hadn't experienced it for myself and read about it here over and over again! I swear, you can't make this kind of crazy up! And even when we know "it's not personal" and they will do it to the next one, and they're lying, and they're hurting you on purpose (even though it's not personal), and they're projecting, and they're crazy.... it still hurts like nothing we've ever experienced before!

So I think on days when we're expressing our sadness and pain, it has nothing to do with ever having them back or wishing we could have worked things out (to endure more abuse), but dealing with the ultimate betrayal of everything we believed about them. Feeling utterly devalued and rejected in every single way that no-one who hasn't lived through it can appreciate. In normal relationships, when you need/want to end things for various reasons, don't you try to break it to the other person in the easiest way possible, knowing there is no easy way? Don't you try to protect their feelings? Don't you worry about breaking their heart?

In these situations, these considerations don't even apply and you get the exact opposite. Instead of the N/P trying to deliver bad news in a way that is merciful and compassionate, in a way that will hurt us the least amount possible, they do the exact opposite. Not only do they not look for ways to soften the blow, they set us up for the ultimate pain that we can experience when they delightfully deliver their final blow. They are ruthless and look for ways to hurt us the most that they can, only to skip away laughing and singing about how they D&D'd us. THIS is what hurts so damn much.

When I'm having a bad day and feeling utterly depressed and sad, it isn't because I want him back. It's not so much about how I miss something that never was anymore (well, maybe a little). At this stage, it's because of how much he's HURT me. I see so much talk about missing the pretend nice guy, and we did at first. But at a certain point in this recovery process, I think it's about missing US. They DESTROYED us in every way possible and how much of our pain is about THAT and NOT about them? And there's just coming to grips with how we BELIEVED them and they BETRAYED us in every way possible. I mean, have ANY of us ever experienced such utter betrayal on every single level of the human spectrum?

I used to be happy and content in comparison to what I am now. Even if my marriage wasn't perfect and I was lonely, I was relatively at peace with it, even though there was a restless side the N tapped into. I was productive and positive and now I'm a shell of my former self (still, after 12 weeks NC and over 5 months since I last saw him). I'm unmotivated and depressed. I'm sad and I struggle each day just to get through it. I don't get 1/4 of what I used to get done on any given day. I miss ME! And I can't believe he DID this to ME! WTF? Without ME at my full, functioning self, I can't relate to the other people in my life that I love the way I'm supposed to. I just want to be over ALL of it! I want to be happy again.

These fuckers are wrecking balls in our lives and all we did was believe in them and trust them. We were good to them and loved them and they ultimately kicked us in the teeth for it and then some.

Jun 11 - 10PM
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

Smitten kitten

I'm in the same place. Why do these insensitive narcs have to cruelly end their relationships? After my N d&d'd me I felt like I had been sucker-punched and then kicked in the gut. Seriously, I remember my first night alone laying in bed in the dark, looking up at the ceiling, and my brain felt fried. I felt numb, drained and half alive. A few years ago, when my exH and I split up (he is not a narc), he said, "I love you, Caligirl, but I'm in love with so and so. You've been a good wife and you are going to make some guy very lucky in the future." I cried and told him he was my best friend. We were together 10 years. We still respect each other. It was so much easier going through my divorce than my breakup with my N. I started dating shortly after my divorce. I was sad, but I still had confidence. People said I looked great, happy. It's been devastating trying to move on after my N d&d'd me. I am going on 3 months NC, and I'm still stuck. I just feel so down. I'm heartbroken and feel like damaged goods now. I want to move on, but I'll start blaming myself all over again and thinking about the terrible things he said to me. They are so cruel. If these narcs had just an ounce of empathy for their partners, moving on wouldn't have to be so difficult for us. ((Hugs))
Jun 10 - 11PM
JRB123
JRB123's picture

With you

Hi there, I just wanted to say Big Hugs. Your post is spot on. It is a massive betrayal you have experienced. You loved this man deeply and that is something he sounds incapable of. Love is always a gamble with anyone but with a narc it is the worst experience ever! I understand your pain as we have had similar experiences. I have had 3 sesssions of therapy which is helping me gain clarity. I remember when I used to work as a psych nurse and learnt about people with schizophrenia that couldn't distinguish between reality and fantasy. I kind of felt I was experiencing this same conflict as I have been so caught up in the fantasy of the N. His false self was like the perfect ideal man. However the reality is actually someone very different indeed. I think this makes it so hard to get over as we are so disillusioned and it makes us question everything as our beliefs have been shaken to the core. I know in reality that even if the narc came back I wouldn't want him and would choose my husband instead but sadly this still doesn't stop the pain and longing. My therapist is helping me focus on what is missing in my marriage and I'm working to try and rebuild it (even though I think about the N every day). I am about 7 months no contact (even though I have to see him) but haven't spoken or emailed. Now I try not to even look at him at all. I think we sadly have to go through this pain and like you, I eagerly await the 18 month stage when this will hopefully just be a painful memory. Wishing you well and if you ever want to chat,anytime, please do. One day you will be happy again but I think it is a slow process, one day at a time.
Jun 10 - 8AM
SoaperGirl
SoaperGirl's picture

I WANT TO KILL THE BASTARD! Where is the justice?

At this point, I am beyond devastated - I am disgusted with all those little homelies that well-meaning people offer up - don't seek revenge. Karma will get him etc. Sorry, but that doesn't cut it with me! I AM BEYOND FURIOUS! I want to KILL THE BASTARD!!! I am discovering lie upon lie upon lie. I feel like he's built a house of cards of duplicity and HE WON! He got everything he wanted. A well to do woman with tons of money (evidently more than she's got common sense!) who adores him, a well to do lifestyle, a life of comfort and ease! No worries! Meanwhile, I get to sit here nursing a broken heart, dealing with a ton of shit I never asked for or wanted and for what??? NOTHING BUT PAIN AND SUFFERING! I'm trying hard to make sense of all this. Something isn't right here. I feel like I've been lied to all my life! Meanwhile shitheads like my narc do whatever they want, play people, lie, cheat, steal and win the whole pot of gold, the lottery and win big! Where is the justice? I'm not seeing it! Part of me thinks, well time to go school and learn all the con-artist games, and get my own self in shape and myself a sugar-daddy. Except for me it can be real. I can lose weight, get stylish hair and make up, play the game and I too can win the lottery! Most women don't know shit what they're talking about. Yes, there are good men out there too who can get taken by con-artists, were honest, decent, kind and lonely - vulnerable. Shit happens! I'm sick of it! It needs to stop! Time to face reality instead of spouting pious homelies to try to make myself feel better. It doesn't while these assholes dance away with everything!
Jun 11 - 9PM (Reply to #38)
enpsychopedia r... (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Here kitty kitty

Soaper, It's time to take matters into your own hands. Get yourself a pet cougar, don't feed it for a week and take it to the kitty kennel.
Jun 11 - 9PM (Reply to #39)
SoaperGirl
SoaperGirl's picture

Not sure I understand your message, but it sounds funny

Okay. I'm not sure I'm getting what you're aiming at, but it sounds funny. I was just doing a frustrated rant...I'm over it now. hahaha.
Jun 12 - 3PM (Reply to #40)
enpsychopedia r... (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Soaper

Thinking about OW's kitty kennel and the prospect of him working there, looking after your new pet!
Jun 12 - 3PM (Reply to #41)
SoaperGirl
SoaperGirl's picture

I love the idea of him getting together with a cougar

Unfortunately, from everything I know, I expect he's much too lazy to be of any help to this woman, probably at best he would be of minimal or half-assed help. There appears to be some minor speculation on another site, his own cats may have fell to foul play. A mature, full-grown house cat of his (living inside the home!) went missing for 3 days, and he eventually found her under his bed, weighing less than one pound. another cat soon after, had to be put down. No explanations given for either event. But I love the image of a cougar taking his arm off is delicious! Or ripping him a new one - yeah, I'd love to see that!
Jun 11 - 10AM (Reply to #35)
Cgrl
Cgrl's picture

Too personal

This is my second narcand he just left recently. I was dumb enough to take him back but that is another story I will share later. When he first dumped me I came here. I read everything I could find. I learned something very valueble that first time and it helping me now- stop taking this personal. When you are further in your recovery you will "get it" Nothing they do is because of you. It is all about them and what they think they need. It is thier reality. Not yours. I know this is really hard to understand right now but you willl. I promise. If you detach yourself- take yourself out of the story and put someone else in, he was going to do this. This is his "core". This is him. They are so impersonal. His behaviors have nothing to do with you. You just happen to be there- like the next women. Someone said thier narc is getting married- believe it when you seer it and believe you me- he is probably already trolling to replace her too either after he marries or right up until the day to crash and burn her world. Nothing they do is because of you, what you did or didn't do.
Jun 12 - 8AM (Reply to #36)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I know it's not personal, but still....

"If you detach yourself- take yourself out of the story and put someone else in, he was going to do this. This is his "core". This is him." Thanks for trying to make me feel better. Yes, I understand that he would do this with anyone, already has, and will again. But it was still my mind, my heart, my soul, my body and my life he fucked with. I am still messed up from the whole experience and so is my life. The wreckage he left behind personally affects me, even though it wasn't because of me. I get that. I just want to get past the pain of the fallout. And it's my narc that is supposed to be getting married, and I believe he will if he can fool the OW that long waiting for his divorce to be finalized. He's the type that needs to be married I think, not only so he has someone taking care of his sorry ass, but for his community image as well. I think he will really alienate his children for good when he does, or at least for a long time. This new recycled GF wants to have a baby too because she always wanted one and never had one. So that'll be interesting how that plays out too, since he's already raised 3 kids and doesn't want to do the baby thing anymore at his age.
Jun 12 - 9AM (Reply to #37)
Cgrl
Cgrl's picture

Smitten kitten

I'm going to try again here because your post is so painful to me. I was where you were before I went in for round two with him. Shit maybe it was round seventeen. He discarded me so many times I lost count. Now I am out for good. I felt like you too the first time. Hopeless. Tired. Drained. But then I would read here- I am so happy because the first round, what I didn't understand actually "stuck" to me this time so I jumped right in to anger. Try to understand what you are missing- what could have been IF he was a normal guy. He is not. Her hopes and dreams will shatter too. That baby she wants so desperately will either never be born or will be born in to the most fucked up situation imaginable with him discarding BOTH of them. Or cheating the crap out of her. There are NO happy endings. You are seeing something that is not there because YOU know what he REALLY is. You wanted that with him and now he will have it with someone else thinking- WHO CARES. Do you really want to live a life with a guy who can Just up and leave at any given time? No warning? Don't you think you are worth more?
Jun 10 - 9AM (Reply to #34)
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture

I have this thought, too -- BUT

Then I think, would I want to have the chaos, misery, and general f'd-upness that is a narc's brain? Because no matter what he has -- the devoted woman, the cash and fabulous prizes -- he still has to live with his own disordered existence. Nobody and nothing can change that for him. Yes, he has *everything*. This includes the inability to ever be happy or satisfied. I like to think that someday, when I've finished my pole vault over this narc-induced mess, that I will be happy. I have the ability *to* be happy. CharlieSheenWinning -- well he's "winning" all right. He's got the rich NewWinningWife. But he also has HIMSELF. And Lordy, is that not a good thing! I didn't want him, he doesn't want him -- I never met a more self-loathing individual in m life. And soon -- NewWinningWife won't want him. I totally understand what you're saying. There seems to be no justice for these asshats. But there is. The justice lies in their own heads. {{hugs}}
Jun 9 - 5PM
enpsychopedia r... (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Smitten--Do you feel powerless?

Hi Kitten, If there were one word to sum up all of the turmoil you are feeling, what would it be?
Jun 9 - 6PM (Reply to #30)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

No, I don't feel powerless.

No, I don't feel powerless. One word? Devastated pretty much sums it up. I'm recovering, but I just want to be over it. I recognize how much better I am now than I was before and I can see gradual improvement, but I've never been a patient person. If the 18 month rule is accurate, I only have 15 more to go. Yea! - not. It sucks that the recovery is going to take longer than the relationship lasted. I hope not.
Jun 9 - 8PM (Reply to #31)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Just thought of another one

Disillusioned. Utterly, completely and devastatingly disillusioned.
Jun 10 - 6AM (Reply to #32)
Littleone
Littleone's picture

Boy do I second that!! I'm 3

Boy do I second that!! I'm 3 months in too hun, and it's slowly getting better. I don't have the luxury of NC because I have a child with this THING. I wish I could cut all ties and he be out of mine and my sons life forever, unfortunately this is just not reality...
Jun 9 - 8AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Smitten

My writing skills suck but I posted somthing similar last night! May they rot in Hell!
Jun 9 - 7AM
SoaperGirl
SoaperGirl's picture

Interesting Observations SM - Cutting the Psychic Cords

Ultimately, it seems we are all battling the questions you raise. I'm still struggling to figure it all out - recently I became of aware of Psychic cord connections that keep us locked in pain, depression with the narc, even after he's left, and whatever because we are still under the influence of the N's dark, murky spirit, with them sucking and depleting our own life energy forces. At first, my aura was rosy pink, his was a sick anemic blue-green. As My narc became more "happy", outgoing, vital looking, I lost strength and was diagnosed with breast cancer. My spirits sank into depression, emotional pain, yet I did not know why. Now I realize he had attached to my energy force fields, and was sapping my life force. It makes sense now in an odd sort of way. Interestingly enough, N's deceased wife was also diagnosed with breast cancer and finally lung cancer. I wonder,was he sucking away our life force energy fields? I do remember at one point before I was found to have cancer, I wished that something would happen so I wouldn't have to move from my home to Oregon. It seems an odd thing to want something to stop me from moving in with the man I loved! At my last dr exam the other day, I was praying about everything, being psychically disconnected from my narc, getting the psychic cords connecting us cut, and then I suddenly felt bathed in a brilliant white light like I was surrounded by angels guarding me from Brent’s evil. Who knew it was possible to be saved by cancer? This is all so amazing to me! After praying more about all this, I had a feeling that maybe I’m being prepared for a new and much better man. I also last night and this morning was dumping a lot of toxins from my system. Maybe some good things could be around the corner?
Jun 9 - 7AM (Reply to #27)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Yes, Psychic Cords

I believe it was Scoop who posted something about that the other day and I even mentioned in someone's post that on days where I feel so weak and drained, it's like he's still sucking my energy from me. I've been envisioning that psychic cord and imagine "cutting" it to break this bond that exists. It doesn't help that he is still on my mind waaay too much. I think thoughts of him just keep that chord in tact.
Jun 9 - 7AM
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thank you everyone

I just wanted to thank everyone for taking the time to read my post and for your comments. It's good to know that I'm progressing, some days it just doesn't feel like it so much. This has been kind of a rough week, but today is better. I actually felt better after the Four Aces debacle yesterday because I got angry! And anger is better than depression. At least when I'm angry, I have more energy, whereas I have none when I'm depressed. It's good to have some place to go with all of these feelings to process them, otherwise I don't know WHAT I would do.
Jun 8 - 7AM
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture

Wrecking Balls

Wow. I couldn't have worded that better myself. Holy crap. No, I don't want him and I know I'm better off without him. But the fact that he told me for years that he didn't want a relationship and then *married* a virtual stranger 3 weeks after I broke things off *kills* me. First he said he wasn't over his exgirlfriend who dumped him 2 years prior, then he marries someone he only knew for 3 weeks. Where does that leave me? As the ultimate unpaid prostitute. And that hurts like all hell.
Jun 9 - 10AM (Reply to #24)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

At the final D&D when mine

At the final D&D when mine dumped me overnight for the new OW, he also said he never got over the previous OW, until NOW. But he only had a relationship with her (and it was long-distance like ours) for about 3 months, when he started pursuing me. He says he's going to marry the new one as soon as his divorce is final in September. Yeah, I don't feel like an unpaid prostitute, I just feel like shit and the ultimate rebound girl.
Jun 9 - 8AM (Reply to #23)
SoaperGirl
SoaperGirl's picture

Great Analogy

In my book on Red Flags in Relationships - one is "The Criticizer" - Huge red flag - book says he is a wrecking ball aimed at your head- sounds just like my narc. Excellent point! - no, I don't want him back either. http://soapergirl.blogspot.com/
Jun 8 - 7AM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

smiten kitten

Good post and like your term wrecking ball, trying to destroy our lives, I only hope and pray they get what is coming to them...
Jun 9 - 3PM (Reply to #19)
wacaet
wacaet's picture

smitten, I can so relate to

smitten, I can so relate to what you wrote like you I had accepted my life for what it was, I even told N that exactly in our initial contact, I said: I don't know if I'm happy and living well. I'm frustrated & depressed a lot, too. I think what I've got now is acceptance. Life is what it is. I try to eek whatever joy/happiness/fun I can out of it and tolerate the rest as a necessary evil. I realize now that an N sees that as an open invitation to come in with the wrecking ball!!!
Jun 9 - 4PM (Reply to #20)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

wacaet

I wasn't even depressed before, but I was lonely and in denial. I didn't realize how lonely, really. I just figured this is how it is when you've been married this long and as good as it gets. At the same time I was kind of sleep-walking through my life and just sort of stuck my head in the sand, specifically about certain things regarding my husband. I never told my Narc any of this until after the relationship started. But he knew I was lonely and starved for attention before I did. I wasn't the first married woman he'd targeted, and I have no idea just how many there were, but he knew more about me than I did.
Jun 9 - 5PM (Reply to #21)
wacaet
wacaet's picture

I was (and am) in a constant

I was (and am) in a constant depressed state due to my husband's chronic illness, sometimes it's easier to cope sometimes it's not but I do think that lonely married women are a narc speciality they really must have a seminar on how to target us
Jun 8 - 6AM
MandyM
MandyM's picture

I hear you. Believe me, I

I hear you. Believe me, I hear you.
Jun 8 - 5AM
jen79
jen79's picture

Smitten Kitten

Do you know that what you wrote here, is a huge step in recovery, alot of progress. Even if it still hurts. After you accepted what he has done and who and what he is, there comes a second phase of pain. This happenes only with these type of persons. We call this world pain in germany. I dont know if there is a word in english for it, you are not only mourning him, in fact you dont want him back anymore, you are mourning the fact that such people exist, your faith in goodness in humanity got shattered. And you know what its ok, its a good sign, you are waking up. They call this dark night of the soul. You are also mourning the person that you once were. This is also a big progress, cause do you see: This is the shifting point in recovery, you are in the middle of shifting the focus away from him towards you and the world. This is really really good. Ok and it is also really really painful, I was in this for about a 3 to 4 months. I can say that the worst part of this is behind me now. So accept this, and cry over this, and stay with the pain. Mourn this, and sit with it. And you will come to a point where you will get tired of it. You can only be light, if you know the dark, the shadow, and then you will choose the light again. Thats how you become a whole, aware person, your full potential. I had to sit with it, after this comes realizing you are not perfect either, and that everyone is just doing their best, yes even these narcs. But know, that what you experience now, is a sign of huge progress. Big big hugs
Jun 9 - 12PM (Reply to #15)
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

Jen79-how insightful

Yes, "The dark night of the soul." Very apt description. Because that is what it is. When we realize on the deepest level what Evil really is, its very painful for us because we were not built to handle it. But for some reason or another, God sees it fit to bring us through, and the transformation that takes place we cannot fully explain to "outsiders." You have to just experience it to know. I liken this phase to the story about Adam, Eve, the Serpent and the apple. It is allegorical, IMO, not a real-life story. The first man and woman were complete and happy until the Serpent tempted them and tricked them into sin and disobedience. After that, they knew they were "naked, and were ashamed." the "naked and ashamed" bit is when we see the dark side of things with open eyes. Adam and Eve, and the rest of humanity could never go back to the old way of life after the deed was done. And niether can we, victims of N abuse, we can't just go back to our old ways of seeing and doing things. It IS very painful. Our Pollyana worlds have been shattered. But ultimately its better. This is why we always win in the end.
Jun 9 - 12PM (Reply to #16)
jen79
jen79's picture

Smiiten Kitten it is painful

But you will win something beautiful if you survive this. And you will. You will be free of these mind prisons that most people live in our society. First step is seeing how insane the world is, they live in a dream, sleepwalking, thinking money, looks and sex is the only thing you have to live for. You will liberate yourself of that, step by step, to see the glas as half full again, you first have to empty it. Only then it can be filled again with new, whatever you wanna fill it with. See this as a transformation, many people are going through this at the moment, somthings onto that 2012 thing. I personally, never wanna go back again, first you feel the pain of loss, and then when there is nothing to loose anymore, you will feel so free and life becomes sweet again, like a child. Only now you are an adult. Just keep walking, when you are in hell, just keep walking. You are on the right track!