MPathic1's Story

Greetings! I joined recently and have read several posts and now it's my turn to speak out.

I really don't know where to start, so I'll just dive in:

My name is Ron, I am 49 years old, gay, single, and have one HUGE N in my life: My mother. A textbook Malignant Narcissist.

As I have been researching and learning about the Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I have begun to recognize the traits and the damage caused me by this hideous, evil woman.

My beloved Grandmother passed away a year and a half ago. We were VERY close and I miss her greatly. While she was laying dead in her bathroom, my mother was digging around in the bedroom outside BEFORE THE FIRST RESPONDERS SHOWED UP rooting around for the information about the money she would now have control over. This was CHRISTMAS DAY, 2009. I had yet to show up at GMa's. If I had, and seen this behavior, I would have put the bitch's teeth out. Damn the consequences.

This is one example of her behavior. Similar examples abound over the last 40 or so years. I have been her target for so long that it seems normal. Typical stuff: I'm not worthy of comfort, love, happiness, etc. She has fucked up the very progression of my LIFE with her control tactics and mental abuse.

And I have come crawling back for more for over 40 years.

Why? LOTS of reasons: American values of respecting one's mother, RELIGIOUS pressure: Honor Thy Mother and Father (We'll get into my Dad at a later date!), even pressures from unknowing people like coworkers or casual acquaintences: "She IS your mother, after all!"

Maybe the hope that she would change motivated me, as well.

She contracted HPV cancer 4 years ago. The entire family rallied around to support her. She survived, but is absolutely unchanged. I have NEVER known anyone who survived a life-threatening illness or situation completely unchanged.

Last year, she hauled off and struck my step-father. He is 20 years her senior and has health issues of his own, including a history of taking tumbles. Why did she hit him? She wasn't getting her way by dictating how I should go about doing HER a fucking favor. I turned her in to Family Services, but my 86 year old step-father protected her. She has him convinced that he cannot live without her. There's nothing I can do about their relationship . . .

She assumed that I was the one who turned her in. I DID face her off with her behavior since my Grandmother passed away. SHE has cut off all contact and that's FINE!

So why am I here? I really do not know. I hope to be able to vent and learn how to deal with this evil woman.

ALL advice would be welcome. I know that the N's discussed here are males, and I have had my own experiences there, as well, but perhaps I can gain a little perspective to go along with the counseling I have sought out recently.

Because, you see, my life is going merrily to hell in a handbasket, due in a large part to the seething, raging anger I have been harboring for decades. I have had some pretty dark days recently.

I have realized one thing, though: I seem to be a magnet to these types. I cannot tell you the numbers of people I have allowed into my life who ended up hurting me or fucking me over in some way. I need to learn what it is about me that attracts these types and how to STOP it!

I am known as a generally positive and loving, compassionate person. It takes a LOT of energy to try maintain this and I am losing the fight.