Sparrow's Story

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#1 Jun 2 - 12PM
Sparrow
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Sparrow's Story

My N ex-husband left me for a woman he fell in love with at work last April. I and all of our family and friends were in shock. We were the happiest married couple on the planet, everyone modeled their marriages to ours. We were best friends, lovers........never argued. Too good to be true. 15 years of marriage he announced he was interested in "pursuing" another woman. Pursue? We are married, married people don't do that. Anyway, he left that day, with such ease, leaving everyone behind scratching their heads wondering what happened. To this day they don't understand. I do however, but it was not until I met the next man in my life, until I learned about narcisism.
My friends and I had planned a trip to New Orleans for my husbands 50th birthday in June. He left in April, we all still went since the trip was paid for in full and nonrefundable. I wasn't on the ground more than an hour, checked into hotel and went to the bar for our first cocktail. 15 minutes later, I watched a man walk in, walk up to the bar order a drink and before I could blink, he was tapping me on the shoulder introducing himself. We shared friendly conversation, he hung out with me and my friends all night, held my hand as we walked (I thought that was odd, but cute) and we exchanged phone numbers. He flew home the next morning (Friday) and I continued my vacation. I had a surprise phone call from him that Saturday while poolside, telling me he couldn't get me out of his head. I was so excited. The attention I was craving, he was giving, out of the blue, as if an angel dropped him in my lap. It must be meant to be. (Ha!) I returned from my trip and we struck up a daily contact via email, text and phone. He would not let up, we had so much in common, made a great connection. He use to tell me all the time that he has NEVER met anyone he connected with like me in his entire life. I kept falling........he lives in Minnesota and I live in NJ but we were sure this long distance relationship would work. I discovered he lied to me from the start (I had a background check done) he told me he was never married and had no children. I discovered he was divorced with a teenage daughter. I never told him this, I would explain away to people that he must of had his reasons, after all we met in a bar in New Orleans in the middle of the afternoon, he owed me nothing as far as his personal life. I waited and waited, he finally admitted to me without me asking a few months later and apologized for not saying something sooner. At this point, I was hooked, I couldn't get enough of him. Turns out I was looking at him with only one eye......and a fools heart. To make a very long story short, we were together for a year minus 2 weeks, off and on, from almost the word go. The roller coaster ride was horrible but I kept holding on and he kept coming back. I always flew to where ever he was, whether on business or his home, he never flew to me. He didn't have to.......I discovered a short time ago that he was on a dating site the whole time he was with me. He would log on at 5:30 am and be on until 10:30 at night. He is a loner, never had to go out, was content staying home and chatting it up with me and yearning for our next visit. Of course he didn't go out, he had all he needed, me and his little N playground.....when I discovered this, I waited patiently as he was telling me he loved me and could not wait for me to move out there with him, he was "on line" on his site with supply abound. I finally exposed him, told him I was aware of what he was doing, how his parents did him such a disservice (he was abandoned by both as a teenager and raised by his Gmom) and that I could not fix him and would not tolerate this behavior from him any more. People ask why I didn't just ask him to stop. I knew he couldn't and wouldn't, I had already educated myself enough about the N man and was positive that he was smart enough to hide anything I called him on. Bottom line, he sniffed me out from the word go and took full advantage of my vulnerability. As the book says, he raped my soul. I am healing, it won't happen over night, but with each day, I am getting my self back.........I didn't bother going into all the little details of the courtship, since they are pretty much identical to everyones on this site and as we get to know each other and talk, those details will be discussed as well. I am glad I found this site, appreciate the help I have received so far and look forward to helping others as well. Thank you for welcoming me into your world here and caring enough to read my story!

Sparrow

Jun 5 - 2PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

I am so sorry you are hang a

I am so sorry you are hang a bad day............did something happen to trigger these bad feelings?
Jun 5 - 2PM (Reply to #18)
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture

Yes

Lack of sleep Talk about the narc Dreams about the narc Fell asleep this afternoon for 2 hrs -- feel much better. Depressed, but better. This is a long road full of potholes. :/
Jun 5 - 3PM (Reply to #19)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

The feeling of depression is

The feeling of depression is terrible, I know.........can you maybe take a nice quiet drive? Or go to the movies? See a comedy, something to make you laugh? If you need to talk, I am here.
Jun 5 - 3PM (Reply to #20)
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture

You're so sweet -- thank you!

I'm going to watch a movie now and get a good night's sleep later. I think I need to work through the depression and not bottle it up. I'm in shock, as you said.
Jun 5 - 8AM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

I am so sorry that you have

I am so sorry that you have been through all of that Lobo.......I know it's hard, and I know how you feel when you reference the box of china. But, you can heal, it will just take a little bit of time and a lot of effort. What steps are you taking to heal? Coming to this site is. Vey good step, ar you doing anything thing else? I found it very therapeutic to educate myself on this personality disorder. Another thing that has been extremely helpful, I joined a kickboxing class and go a couple times a week. it is awesome! Try and do things for YOURSELF........that will help you, I can promise! Good luck, and please stay in touch with me!
Jun 5 - 10AM (Reply to #14)
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture

Thank You

I'm so weepy today -- this sucks. Thanks for being concerned. I am doing a lot to heal up. I talk to a friend who is also a psychologist. She's the one who alerted me to narcissism and since then I've done a lot of research. I have reconnected with old friends, I come to this site, I do things that I love that are comforting. Trouble is, whenever I venture out, people bring up the narc, CharlieSheenWinning, to me. Not many people know we had a long-term relationship (or whatever it was). The fact that he married someone 3 weeks after I broke things off with him to a woman he only *knew* for 3 weeks is big news in our small town. So, every party, gathering, night out I go to is horrendous. I have to hear about him and NewWinningWife and/or answer questions about it. People always want my opinion on it. I say I don't know what is going on -- I give as little emotion as possible. It's been only 2 1/2 mons. since I broke it off, so this is all fresh and hard to deal with. I don't want to talk about him with anyone, but I can't tell anyone why. To be frank, I'm embarrassed I was with him and embarrassed I was forgotten and that he got over me so quickly and completely. Every time I go out and have to hear about him, I go into an emotional tailspin. God forbid the day I actually *see* him and the wife! So far I've avoided that, but I can't avoid him forever.
Jun 5 - 3PM (Reply to #15)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Hi Lobo555. I am so very

Hi Lobo555. I am so very sorry that you are dealing with this.you must be in shock, I know i would be. That is devastating news. I can not believe they only knew each other for three weeks. Are you sure he wasn't seeing her behind your back? The only thing I can say about this is to continue to heal, you have a very long road ahead of you but you will be fine. This marriage is not a union of the hearts, if they truly only knew each other for 3 weeks. I can guarantee you, it wont last, but be prepared to hear from him when it all comes crashing down around him. By that time, you will have healed and moved on. Chin up, I know that this is very difficult for you. Would be for anyone!
Jun 5 - 3PM (Reply to #16)
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture

Yep, 3 weeks

They met the week after I spent a week's vacation with him in another country. She went there on vacation, met him, then they went their separate ways. It's a long story, but I know for sure they'd only met the once, parted, then hooked up the day after I broke things off with him. She lives in a neighboring state. He lived in the other country, then came back here due to unforseen circumstances, she called him, and voila! Instant relationship! I know from good authority (not him!!!) that they met one night, exchanged numbers, then didn't talk until I broke things off and he'd come back here. Next step was being together 24/7, then getting married 3 weeks later. Apparently, they drink. . . A LOT. That's another charming aspect of their relationship. I'm not a drinker. I like a pint now and then, but I don't make it into a semi-professional sport. So, sometimes it makes me wonder why I'm so upset! He's married to someone he barely knows, getting drunk all the time with her, and I don't want him anyway. Why be upset about that?!!? But I still can't believe I spent years with him saying he didn't want a relationship, then i had a great vacation with him, then he married someone he doesn't know. You can't make this stuff up!!! Why write fiction? Reality is so much crazier.
Jun 4 - 7AM
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Welcome Sparrow

You sound like you are handling things really well!! Good for you for doing a background check on him!! I wish I had been smart enough to do that. I was BLINDED by charm and thought he was perfect!! No need for a background check on my Prince Charming! How long have you been completely away from him? Does he ever call, text, email or hoover? You might have answered those questions in your story and I missed it. (I'm so sleepy!) I'm glad you found this site. It has been a lifesaver for so many of us. Sara
Jun 4 - 7AM
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture

Sparrow

My ex-husband did the exact same thing!!! Left me one day out of the blue for someone he was co-starring in a play with. We had a great marriage -- everyone called us "The Buchmans" after "Mad About You." But then he met his co-star in the play and just up and LEFT. Crazy. He's since been diagnosed as bipolar and marriage with the woman he left me for is on the rocks. No surprise there. I got involved with different men after that, but nothing worked out. They all wanted fun and sex and nothing more. THEN I got involved with a narc, and that's why I'm here. Welcome -- you'll find this site is so helpful! The people are kind, intelligent, and supportive. {{{hugs}}
Jun 5 - 7AM (Reply to #10)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Hi lobo555. It's amazing

Hi lobo555. It's amazing isn't it? To have a beautiful marriage one day and poof! It's over the next........incredible. It is comforting to know that there are other women out there who have been through the same thing. I am not surprised to hear your N is unhappily married. They will never be happy, they are just actors in their little game. Where did you meet your N and how long were you together?
Jun 5 - 8AM (Reply to #11)
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture

Bipolar Ex, Narc Ex

I have really bad luck with men! My ex-husband wasn't the narc that I'm here about. I met my ex-husband at age 18 in college. A few years after the marriage went kablooey I met the narc. Was friends with the narc for about a year and a half before getting physically involved. Was physically involved for years, kept pulling myself out and then getting sucked back in. Now he's married to someone he knew for only 3 weeks before. He did that after telling me for years that he didn't want "a relationship." So, basically, I was his unpaid prostitute for years and then he up and married someone he barely knew! This further demonstrates his instability, but still. . . it hurts like hell. I went from ex-husband who left me one night out of nowhere to some nice guys who were great but didn't want me to the narc who psychologically abused me. I feel like a box full of china that's been thrown out a window. The box looks fine on the outside, but the china is all broken up on the inside.
Jun 3 - 4PM
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

Hi Sparrow I would like to

Hi Sparrow I would like to comment to the 1st part of your post. When I was a young child this same experience happened to my mother and while she was 4 months pregnant. We had to uproot out lives and it scarred my childhood since he was the only father I had ever know (but not my real father). I remember clearly how my mother grieved and how much I grieved over it. So confused. Now I understand too. For what I am going through now I feel my past is playing a role in my resolve to not go back to the EX You have good understanding but how are you doing otherwise? After walking in on EX with ow on sofa I was traumatized by the vision repeating over again are you doing ok now? I am so sorry that happened to you!
Jun 3 - 5PM (Reply to #8)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

So nice to hear from you

So nice to hear from you Badabing. And thank you for your kind words and thoughts. I am doing well, I have my moments but they are much fewer and far between then in the past. The key is to constantly stay focused. It's a lot like giving up drink, drugs, or cigarettes........it is a craving. Trust me, he really isn't in your heart, he is in your head........just like a drug. Nobody loves drugs and believes they are good for you, they crave drugs and believe they need them. You just have to be on the ball 24/7 and make a true effort. We slip, that is to be expected, but always get back on the wagon, quickly! I realized early on that mine was like a drug. I remember watching the first Twilight movie and thinking the one line "you are like my own personal brand of heroin" was the absolute ridiculous line ever said in a movie........and now I shutter every time I think of that scene in the movie. Funny how that was a vampire movie, huh? You will do great! Keep up the good work, know yourself and be true to yourself. Ask yourself, your true self........."would I be happy with this man under normal circumstances?". The answer will ALWAYS be NO. Another thing you may want to read up on.......RCD. Events that repeat themselves.........you may find some answers there........I did. Good luck and reach out any time you feel the need. I am here for you as much as you are forme!
Jun 2 - 7PM
Littleone
Littleone's picture

Hi sparrow, Argh, another

Hi sparrow, Argh, another one. It's simply amazing how similar they are in some respects. It's incredibly hard to fall from such heady heights straight smack down into reality. Glad you have escaped. Thankyou for sharing :)
Jun 2 - 9PM (Reply to #6)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

It took a number of

It took a number of attempts.......but I did it! But I won't kid myself, I am not completely out of the woods. but I can see the light........You will too!
Jun 2 - 5PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Sparrow

Welcome, Hunter
Jun 2 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Thank you Hunter! I am

Thank you Hunter! I am enjoying this very much! Extremely helpful!
Jun 3 - 6AM (Reply to #3)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Sparrow

Join in on the fun, I suggest you Find a buddy, Having a buddy to vent to when feeling down works great when we have a narc attack. :) Read here and see who you connect with, send them a PM and get to know us personally. Hugs Hunter
Jun 3 - 7AM (Reply to #4)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Thank you Hunter! I will

Thank you Hunter! I will certainly do that! Everyone has been really kind. It is awesome to make the aquaintence of so many women that are going through the same thing. People on the outside, don't understand, they think of it as a normal everyday breakup but it's not. All breakups are difficult in one way or another.........but when it is with a narc, it is a whole different animal. I look forward to getting to know everybody!