Yes, I broke NC on Sunday - an overview

"Now I know that I have a heart because I can feel it breaking." - the Tin Man (The Wizard of Oz)

First of all, thank you to everyone for your supportive comments when I reached out. I must have known within that this was an inevitable conversation for me and I'm not sorry I broke NC. The catalyst was the news of the new girlfriend in the narc's life. I'm not sure where things stand with that - I'm sure they're just getting started. But his choice to begin again with someone new is what I needed to resolve for myself.

He's not cheating. I broke our engagement last year. I set boundaries for him of seeing other women WITHOUT ME in his life or ONLY me. So his choice, even though very hurtful, is his choice. But I must have needed something from him still and I found myself driving over to his house. He must have seen me because he came outside as I drove into his drive and he invited me inside to talk. Unlike the previous 15 months, he didn't refuse to talk about "us". In fact, he seemed to welcome that conversation. He wasn't angry. He wasn't arrogant. But he was different.

There was a half-empty bottle of wine on the counter next to two wine glasses and other telltale signs that someone had been there for dinner the night before. Of course, that was very painful. This was the house that we had picked out together that would be "our" home as a family after we had gotten married. Knowing that another woman had been in that house on a date with him - them preparing a meal together in what was going to be my kitchen - even writing this is difficult today.

But we awkwardly got into a conversation about us. We hadn't really officially ended yet. We had just about ALL BUT ended and I had been NC for the last 7 weeks. We had spent the 6 months between Sept and March beating each other up even more when we were supposed to be trying to work things out (for the umpteenth time). His narc behavior and my anger. After some small talk, I expressed my sadness and fealing of defeat. He said he felt the same way. He said that he just didn't know how to move forward together anymore. We just didn't work. And we didn't.

After an hour and a half of talking - mostly calmly and sadly - he said basically this: "I know you are the love of my life. I can't believe that we have done this to what we had and I'm more sad about that than I can say. But I've thought and thought and I don't know HOW we can fix this anymore. HOW can we fix this? What can we possibly do after everything we've already done? You don't trust me and I don't trust you. We've both said and done things that have caused more damage than can be fixed. As someone told me recently, (narc) you just have to get on with your life. I can't say that I've moved on but I'm trying to move on. We've spent years trying to get back together countless times but now, as hard as this is, and as much as it hurts, what we need to work on now is the painful process of getting past each other."

Surprisingly, I felt the same way. My sadness has been beyond belief but I could honestly feel his sadness too. I felt it all last year after I ended the engagement. Even though he came back, hoovered me back in, and said that he wanted to try to put things back together again, I know now that he was already gone for the most part. I feel lots of things but mainly I just want to be done too.

I tried to confirm that this was finally the end and that he had moved on and he kept replying with "you keep trying to give me an ultimatum, I'm NOT saying that I've moved on. I'm saying that I'm trying to."

He can't commit to a final ending and closure anymore than he could commit to marriage or exclusive partnership.

And, I never mentioned that I knew about the new girlfriend. I couldn't even go there. It didn't really matter anymore. What mattered was that I took one last look around, took a good look at him across the room with a look on his face of resolute indifference and it FELT over. For maybe the first time in 10 years - I felt an ending. He wouldn't say that he had moved on but I felt it. And I left.

So as my friend Onwithmylife said to me yesterday, "he gave you something that many of us never get - closure." I'm not sure that he gave me closure. I took that for myself. But I think he finally gave me an honest answer - as honest as he's capable of. I don't think I came looking for words. I came looking for a feeling - or perhaps a lack of one. And I needed to see him and interact with him in the light of a new situation - one that now included another woman.

We've broken up and "ended" so many times over 10 years that I've lost count. But yesterday and from now on, I'm mourning the death of something very important that has been dying a slow painful death for way too long. It is relieving to say goodbye. I don't want to feel anger. I don't want to feel regret. I just want to start living again and be happy.