Weird day for me/ doubts

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#1 May 23 - 9AM
Alisa
Alisa's picture

Weird day for me/ doubts

Just realized that today would've been my ex-Narc and mine one year anniversary. Ugh.

What's good about it, is that I am not feeling depressed about it. It just bothers me that it all happened like that (It had been a really romantic vacation). I was actually thinking of things he said to me that night and how he seemed a completely different person from the person I had known before and also different from what he would later become. A true chameleon.
I have gained lots of perspective in the meantime and I have accepted that whatever happened between me and him was just a bunch of lies.
I do not miss him at all anymore.

I have been avoiding contact since the beginning of March. Right now it seems he's stopped hoovering too (maybe a new woman?). However, over the past couple of days sometimes thoughts have popped into my mind like "What if he isn't really a narc?"
Usually when that happens, I come to this website and do some reading, which helps.
Have you ever had these kinds of doubts? Also, what's up with not hoovering?

May 23 - 4PM
Journey
Journey's picture

Oh yes, doubting is normal because WE are normal

You are doing great - keep doing what your are doing :)! Likely your recent days of doubting have a little to do with the fact that you say it seems he has stopped hoovering. That in itself opens us up to believe maybe we are wrong in our perception of them after all. I know I have these doubts with certain triggers. I also know that the only sane way for me to keep moving forward and not get stuck in pain is to dismiss the doubts as fast as they come up. It does me no good to think for a minute he is not a narc. If he is or isn't doesn't really even matter anymore. He was not good for me and he is gone. Doubting only leaves me feeling like I could have don't something differently to have had the love I wanted with him. At this point that is irrelevant and where once I was in denial of how bad he was for me, now I am in denial of any possibility he wouldn't be (such as being a normal capable of real relationships). Not hoovering in my opinion is just not needing your supply right now. It doesn't mean he never will again, but for now he is 'busy' securing it elsewhere. Sorry, because that in itself, even when we don't want them anymore can trigger pain and loss - because we are normal. They are not and never will be.

Journey on...

May 24 - 12AM (Reply to #13)
Alisa
Alisa's picture

That's what I usually try to

That's what I usually try to do - dismiss the doubts. Crazy, that I felt it was almost bothering me he wasn't hoovering. While up until last week I was so happy whenever I didn't hear from him in a long time. I think the only thing that I am sad about these days is that he had to be a narc and that this is basically the end of it all. Nothing to be done.
May 23 - 3PM
ewa
ewa's picture

You are doing great with NC.

You are doing great with NC. Bravo :). The moments of doubts are cumming from time to time. This is normal.
May 24 - 12AM (Reply to #11)
Alisa
Alisa's picture

Good to hear this is "normal"

Good to hear this is "normal"
May 23 - 10AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

If he's not a narc than what

If he's not a narc than what is he? Narc or not he's not for you! Hunter
May 23 - 10AM (Reply to #9)
Alisa
Alisa's picture

:) So right about that

:) So right about that
May 23 - 9AM
Lisa87
Lisa87's picture

Alisa

I know what you are going through, if he is a narc he will come back for supply, even if he has a new girl.....but you don't want to be his supply so no contact and indifference to him is best. We have each other on here for support but please be strong and stay NC. I've blocked mine and am NC for 5 weeks (3rd time) and I still have weak moments but I need to be strong and this time I will not give in to be sucked in and devalued again. The mind games, lying, manipulations, roller coaster ride is not worth it. Do I miss him and the good times?, most definitely, but they are not capable of being in a mature or real relationship and that is what we need to stay focused on. It was a facade.......you will get through. xoxox
May 23 - 9AM
mynewlife2011
mynewlife2011's picture

you broke it off for a reason

Yes of course as time travels on we begin to doubt ourselves, our motives, their motives, our actions, their actions...Narcs work on our self-esteem when we aren't even aware. They "plant the seed" of doubt constantly as a form of control. They plant other seeds too, seeds that tell our minds we can't live without them. It takes awhile for the healthy thought patterns to reappear, and for the Narc to leave the building. If it helps any, you could have ended up like me..13 years of marriage with kids in that same exact web of horror with a narc. I tried everything (counseling,etc), read my story. I promise you I was generous (overly so), loving and served him. Boy is there a price to pay now. You see, when you climb all the way up a mans butt it is really hard coming back out, living your life for him. Because he is too selfish to think of anyone but himself, and you are thinking of him to meet his demands and needs- it becomes all about him, and your needs, hopes, wishes, dreams, fears..no longer matter. Trust yourself that you made the right choice. He may hoover again, he may not. If he comes back around I guarentee it will only because he thinks he can get away with using you a little more. He will not change, you need to let this bad egg go, and do not let him rob any more years of your young life. I so so so regret giving my ExNh chance, after chance, after chance. I can never get those years back. love xxoo
May 23 - 9AM
Kiwi2005
Kiwi2005's picture

Alisa! Yay for not being with

Alisa! Yay for not being with him :) Also Congrats on avoiding contact since March! As for the doubts? I think we ALL have them, I think it's even worse when we remember the good times we had with them or the nice things they used to say. Its important to rememeber- that was all fake and non-existant. He's probably not hoovering because he has other NS! When the run out of supply they go where they think they can get it- for now he's getting NS elsewhere! Be thankful! I know easier said than done- They've brainwashed us to question EVERYTHING about them, ourselves, etc. BE STRONG!
May 23 - 10AM (Reply to #5)
Alisa
Alisa's picture

I am thankful. Thankful for

I am thankful. Thankful for finding this board and the people on it, thankful it took only one second chance that I gave him before I realized it wasn't really me he wanted. I am actually even thankful he hoovered that one time and I did give him that second chance because until then I had blamed myself for the failure of our relationship. But when he came back and I started seeing the games he was playing (and found this board), I knew it had nothing to do with me and that was a huge relief because it stopped my thoughts from spinning around what I could've done differently. And I am also thankful he's not hoovering. Makes things a lot easier
May 23 - 9AM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Alisa

I know we all start doubting things after a while. Just know that in your heart you know he's not right for you. That's the main thing and you need to try to focus on you now and not why he isn't or is hoovering. Really, be very thankful he isn't. It's very hard when they come around and we are weak. It's much better when they stay away.
May 23 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
Alisa
Alisa's picture

You're probably right. It's

You're probably right. It's just that I am feeling nervous in a way because he is not hoovering because I have a feeling he will again at some point and it freaks me out because I don't know what to expect. Your post just made me realize that, even though I don't long for him and know he's not right for me and feel mostly indifferent actually (lots of anger is gone too), he is still on my mind a lot (in a way that I think about things he did and analyze them). But... everything's slowly getting back to normal. He hasn*t been my first thought when waking up in the morning for a looooong time (which has improved the quality of my sleep! I had started suffering from insomnia shortly before I went NC)
May 23 - 9AM (Reply to #3)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Alisa

I think it's a huge step when he's not the first thing you think of when you wake up. It's so big!! You are recovering and you are getting better. Prepare yourself for anything though and be on your guard. He may or may not hoover again, but always be prepared any stupid little thing he may attempt. You're doing great and everything is getting back to normal for you. What a wonderful feeling that is! Good for you!